Week of 3/26/00:
AN OPEN LETTER TO AMERICA
My fellow Americans:
(note: if you are from Canada or New Zealand or some other backward Third World nation that is not populated entirely by Americans, please stop reading this and go back to being Communist bastards or whatever it is you UnAmericans do)
America has conquered the world.
We bask in the cash of history's greatest economic boom.
We live in a period of peace, unchallenged by the weaker nations, which are only filled with goddamn foreigners anyway.
But our economy is built on the play money of the stock market.
Our peace was won only by raining Tomahawk cruise missiles on every country that even looked at us funny.
And the balance of world power could change overnight.
And change for the Bad.
The Bad, The Bad!
And the Bad isn't Good!
We need leaders who can get us through the coming turmoil. We need leaders with vision. Leaders with courage. Leaders with intelligence.
As the primaries end, we look to America's two Best and Brightest, the two potential presidents who will lead us with their leading into the coming century. And we, bursting with American pride, can only say
..You're shittin' us, right?
A quarter billion Americans, and THEY'RE the best choices?!
"Jeepers, should I vote for the Robot? Or the Clone?"
NOW is the time for a REAL choice!
Because now we have formed
We're going to build a bridge to the 21st Century and burn it behind us!
We will prove that it takes a village to raise a child, but it takes only DOZENS of children to SMASH THAT VILLAGE TO RUBBLE!
We're Reformers with Results AND a chewy nougat center!
We're gonna ROCK THE VOTE!
Thrown at the heads of people who won't VOTE FOR US!
And we have a candidate who will change the face of American politics forever!
Darn tootin' he is! We've done many demographic and focus-group surveys, and SODOMY has all of the characteristics of the major candidates!
...doing to that deer what George W Bush wants to do to all America
...a hideously deformed evil little goblin from the Realm Of Nightmare,
just like H. Ross Perot
...a thick slab of board, easily the intellectual equal of Jesse "The Gonad" Ventura
...a buggerer of defenseless woodland creatures, ranking him only slightly lower in the personal morals department than Bill Clinton
...100% as likely to get elected as any Libertarian or Green candidate
The only real question is, "How do we balance out the ticket with a good vice presidential candidate? One that will gain us votes, but also offset our weaknesses? Weaknesses like our 'Tequila for School Breakfasts' platform? Our 'Let's Raise Taxes on Everyone But Us and Give The Moolah to No One But Us' initiative? Or our 'Save Social Security for Future Generations of Us by Killing Off Everyone Older Than Us' thing that's hurting our appeal to the retired vote?
Or, for that matter, Sodomy himself?"
We in The Inexplicable Party are true believers in Democracy, and so we leave it up to YOU!
YES! YOU will elect our Vice Presidential candidate! Read through their bios, then vote at the bottom of the page. If you want to know more about the candidates, clicking on their picture will take you to their Object of the Week.
Vice-Presidential-Candidate Heaven must be missing an angel, because SPEEDY'S running!
SPEEDY is HOT! And she's qualified for the vice presidency cause of her extensive experience with being HOT!
Oh, Speedy, sweet Speedy! I'm copying names off of tombstones and registering them at the DMV so I can vote for you multiple orgasms!
TIMES! Multiple TIMES, not--You know what I mean, divine Speedy!
Hey! If I'm voting for a female veep, she should be HOT! SCREW this Elizabeth Dole crap!
Umm, actually, DON'T screw her. That'd be like doing your Grandma.
He has boyish good looks and a hollow head made of plastic--
But that didn't stop Dan Quayle, now did it?
And there won't be any Clintonesque sex scandals with Ken, given his lack of genitalia.
KEN! As politically correct as he's anatomically incorrect!
Throughout American history, almost every Vice President has been a putz.
Only The Inexplicable Party has the guts to admit it.
George W Bush has said:
"I will have a foreign policy with a touch of iron - driven by American values and American interests."
By who, YOU?! Wait till you meet--RAMBIMBO!
Finally, a veep that lets the WORLD know how America stands on foreign affair issues! With several touches of iron! Rapidly fired into their STOMACHS!!!
"You STUPID FOREIGNERS!
DO WHAT WE SAY OR ELSE! WE AMERICAN! YOU DUMB FOREIGNERS! U SHUT UP, OR WE BOMB! HOPE U LIKE STONE AGE, CUZ WE BOMB U THERE NOW! 2 STONE AGE, THAT IS!!! DAMN DUMB FOREIGNERS! WHY THEY SO MANY OF U?!?! GET OFF OUR PLANET!!! BEFORE WE BOMB YOU OFF IT! d00dZ!!"
She's also, like, this naked chick, so she'd get like 100% of the votes from guys driving trucks that have decals of Calvin pissing on something.
Nominated for her fine work for flag preservation, and her...
We have no damn idea. Sodomy insisted we nominate her.
We have no idea why.
Though he also wants her to dress up in a woodchuck costume.
The only candidate that 's done more coke than George Wiffer Bush
REAGAN'S HEAD IN A BOX
Today, the Gipper is more like the Drooler. But when George Weasel Bush and John Wayne McCain fought over who was the most "Reaganesque," we figured that his head is still just as smart decapitated today as it was attached in '80.
Why they wanted to be so closely identified with a guy who can't wipe himself without help is an enigma only the truly Republican can explain.
America has a clearly stated doctrine of the seperation of Church and State, so this means that all the presidential candidates have to swear to God in every other sentence. You know, we kinda question the wisdom of putting nuclear weapons in the hands of guys who think they're chosen by God, but, hey! If it works, The Inexplicable Party will co-opt this knee-jerk religious-vote reaction by enlisting the election's only actual SAINT!
(despite our not knowing his name)
He'll also have a good shot at locking up the Horrible Bleeding Leg Gash vote.
Just in case we were wrong about that religious vote thing.
In case we were REALLY wrong about that religious vote thing.
Kill Kill's latent cute-ocity could outbalance the voters' general reaction to Sodomy's overall nauseating repulsiveness.
Not that I'd leave her alone with that little pervert for a nanosecond.
JELLIED VEAL LOAF
What qualifications does a Jellied Veal Loaf have for the vice presidency?
Do you realize how DUMB that question sounds?!
Picture a Jellied Veal Loaf in a debate with the other Vice Presidential candidates!
Picture the Senate votes, when they have to ask a Jellied Veal Loaf to break the tie on National Health Care!
Picture Sodomy the Lawn Gnome planted in the Rose Garden, and assassinated by a careless landscaper on a ride-on mower! Then we'd have PRESIDENT JELLIED VEAL LOAF!!! And when all the world leaders came to Sodomy's funeral, there'd be this Jellied Veal Loaf in a BLACK SUIT!!
OK, maybe it's just me.
(Voting has ended. Click "Currrent Results" for the final tally)
Who should be The Inexplicable Party's Vice Presidential candidate?|
Al *I, Robot* Gore, GWBush/batch5/clone9a, or some other obedient corporate-owned lab monkey
A nice Caesar salad
A pitcher of warm spit
Pia Zadora's ass
That same nice Caesar salad, but with a side of garlic bread
Reagan's Head in a Box
My invisible friend Mr Boingypants
Maybe a 3 bean salad? Oh, I can't decide about ANYthing!
Cthulhu, who's really quite nice when you get to know him. Or so he says.
That Guy--You Know, That *guy*! Who did that *thing*! You know! That GUY!
My Cat Kill Kill
Either of these 2 user names I saw on www.napster.com: mrbutfuk; herpes4all
Jellied Veal Loaf
Boba Fett. Or Stretch Armstrong. Or both! Man, a Stretch Boba would be COOL!
The Hideous Re-Animated Zombie Corpse of Redd Foxx
Tony from Accounting
Bill the Splut
Remember to VOTE INEXPLICABLE!
And to shout:
Dan Quayle or George W Bush?
Objects from Previous Weeks
©2000 Bill Young