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“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."
--Morticia Addams

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updated 9/14

      9/14/20

       It's been a while, and I'm unmotivated to update (obviously), so...Read it over the next few days. Lots of piled-up links and vids at the end.

      "You wanna squirt?"
      Not a phrase one normally hears in public, or private, so I was confused. It was at the local April booksale, being held in July, and it was said by an ancient man by the door with hand sanitizer. Later on I heard one of other retirees say "Squirter?! Where's our squirter?!" followed by "He's on break!" If he was a teenage boy, he'd probably use his break to squirt.
      I bought 1 book, a slab by the Uncle John's reader series about history ($1), and 9 CDs for 50c each. My total was $6, so, as usual, I was overcharged. These old ladies can't do the new math. I didn't care, obviously. Not that you care, but the prize scores were Greatest Hits collections by Massive Attack, which sounds like a metal group but are actually electronica produced by a Mr Eno, and the Four Tops. I had to think "Didn't I grab this from the library?" before I realized that I don't have "Sugar Pie Honeybunch" or "Bernadette." The latter is a song about how much it sucks to have a smokin' hot girlfriend. I've only been mistaken as a guy with one when I'm with Jessica, and all I can say it doesn't suck, but sometimes other's reactions can get weird.

      I've read A Word a Day for at least 20 years. It's as advertised, a word a day usually with a week-long theme, with a pithy quote at the end, and a very liberal attitude.
      Last week started with redshirt, which is not what you immediately thought. "A college athlete who practices with the team, but does not take part in official games." I responded with, of course:

And I got Email of the Week! The prize is a word-based party game, that will likely never see use, as I don't go to parties and the sample questions were hard--I guess, I saw the page yesterday but can't find it today--included "What's the Third Amendment?" I mean, I got it after some pondering (it involves the word "billeting"), but some of the others I was baffled by.

      Anatomy Of A COVID-19 Conspiracy Theory. I commented:

      I was stocking at work when a Black kid, grade 2.5 or whenever they start to read, pointed and yelled to his parents "I see OBAMA!" They looked around and said "Really? Where?" and he pointed at the On-Cor frozen lasagna. I exchanged amused looks with his parents and finished what I was doing. By then he had the lasagna in his hands, and his father said "Now you only want to eat what Garfield eats?!" It was cute, is my only point.

      Really Expensive Accidents And Mistakes

      Ways To Stay Motivated In This Shit-Shellacked Era Of Epic Stupid

      Saying Aliens Built Ancient Monuments Isn't Only Crazy, It's Racist. Back in the early 70s, the big best seller on the "non"-fiction charts was Erich von Daniken's "In Search of Ancient Astronauts." I saw a half-hour TV show about it, and if they wanted me to buy the book, it worked. A third of the way through, I was "This is the REAL TRUTH!" Two thirds through I was "This is garbage!" It was the second thing that made me a "show the science" skeptic. Forget proof, where's your evidence? His theory was that every giant monument from the Pyramids to the Nazca lines to the Easter Island heads was made by Aliens! (But not Stonehenge, that was made by white people) Every myth, legend, and religion was really some dopey native misinterpreting the Aliens! (Except the bible, that was made by white people) That's the point where I noticed the way he thought--only White People can build things without Alien aid. (Did I mention he was German, and raised in a time when the country's government was, umm, let's say "not optimal for non-racism"?
      What really ended it for me was the photo section in the middle. I don't think there were captions, just listings of what page it was referenced on. Look, here's an Aztec carving that looks like a guy in a space suit in a space capsule! One said that a carving was clearly an Apache helicopter gunship. I flipped back to look at it, and...if a little kid did it, and the kid told you it was a helicopter, just like that 3-eyed, 5-legged Cubist nightmare they scrawled was the family dog...Sure. It hit me: "So the Aliens travelled untold trillions of miles, using a technology that current physics says will not exist unless they want the trip to take millions of years, came to Earth and...flew around in helicopters? They kept helicopters in their flying saucers? 1960s American helicopters?"
      Next was what was obviously a 3 foot wide, 6 foot deep hole made when the UFO blasted off, melting a hole in the solid rock! I looked at that one, and said "That isn't melted. That was dug." And he knew exactly how the UFOs propulsion system worked, right down to the exhaust pipe? Maybe that's a thing you could share with the rest of the class. He said "And to this day, the primitive desert tribesmen of Iraq use use these as refrigerators, placing a rock cover over them to trap the cool desert night air!" Maybe because--THAT'S WHY THEY MADE THEM? I read Newsweek religiously, and I knew calling Iraq "primitive" was like saying "Here, the simple barbaric people of northern France drive the Renaults the Aliens gave them!" Never finished the book.
      My copy's long gone. But if you want to read it, 50 years later it's still in print. And also called The History Channel.

      The Strange World Of Sparks. Fans will love the interview, non-fans have a lot of videos to help them become fans.

      

      To be honest, the actor playing Dolly is not that great. They kind of rush through the last half, maybe because the reopening had begun. And if you've never seen the original,1) it will make less than no sense, and 2) what freak hasn't seen the original?! Are you some kinda FREAK, you freak?!

      

      Never thought I would tear up at a Godzilla scene.

      

8/13

You work in a giant corporate office. The global company's so vast, you're not exactly sure about what every part does. They've got tentacles reaching everywhere.
       There's a new worker in your section. Diligent and focused, but terrible with technology. You make a joke about sending a clueless old client a fax as a text, and he looks at you blankly and asks "What's a fax? Or a text?" like some retard. He's good at what he can do, and he's a big handsome guy so he keeps the ladies from getting in your hair. You're a bit jealous, though you'd never admit it to yourself. You've started to find ways to bring this quiet guy who never talks about his past down a peg.
       You walk to his cubicle. You say, deliberately loudly so anyone can hear, "Hey, Steve! Every time I come here, there's that old pizza box! When you gonna throw that shit out?"
       He says, jokingly, "Every time I throw it, it comes right back!"
       "Yeah, well, the next time I come back I don't want to see it. You know what we say here, Steve!"
       "You say lots of things here. Is it...'Work smarter, not harder'? Again?"
       "Nah, 'A Clean Workspace Means a Clean Mind.'" You take a sip of your coffee, adjust your MAGA hat, and walk away. Steve mumbles something.
       You turn. "Did you say something, Rogers?"
       "Yeah. I said 'You say a lot of things here'. Like--" he reaches for the pizza box and answers in a loud whisper--"Hail Hydra."
       You run down the hall screaming "CODE RED! CODE RED! CODE--" ka-RRANG something hits you in the back of the head.
       Just before you lose consciousness, you see a ripped pizza box flying a few yards ahead. Rogers steps over you and says "21st century, and I'm still fighting fascists. This is why I got a job in Portland." The last thing you smell is the daily tear gas attack from outside...

      See? This is what happens when you don't update for a month, but keep writing and saving links. It just gets outdated, and you end up throwing most of it out like moldy cheese. Fascist stormtroopers pounding Americans for a month? Who cares? 170,000 dead because Jared thought the plague would only kill blue states? Whatever. What's on the teevee? I has toilet papers again!!

      I'm trying to sell my stock in Webster Bank. HOOTERS is open, but the bank lobby isn't, WTF. I tried to make an appointment with a teller who had absolutely had no comprehension of what "I want to sell my Webtser stock" meant. "We don't cut the dividend checks here, they're from a third party." "No, I want to sell my shares." "We don't cut the dividend checks here, they're from a third party." This went on for 5 minutes. (My quarterly check should have been here a month ago, but Trump Hate Bad USPS, so maybe they're getting this a lot)
      I got a call back from a financial guy. "Things are crazy because of the storm!" I thought, what? The storm with a 6-letter, 4-syllable name? My computer rebooted 3 times, big deal. Then I left the house to buy cat food...
      ...at my job. They had power, but they were throwing everything into shopping carts. They have a generator, but only powerful enough to run the lights and registers. I figured they were rushing the carts to refrigerated trucks. They were not, They were rushing to the dumpsters.
      Great feeling to know that all your work for 6 months is going to a landfill.
      So, yeah, kinda busy in the frozen dept for the last week. 3 people to restock a whole dept. Well, maybe 3 people. The dairy manager kinda sucked, so his last day was exactly when the power went off. His last words: "Not my problem." So the frozen manager is also dairy, there's part-time me, and a guy who works when it suits him. On the plus side, he had asked for 3 personal days before this, and they let him take it. Most places would demand he forfeit them. (He also called out sick the day before they were to start, whevs) We had extra help, but they cut that off because we were catching up fast, so they just let us 3--2.5? 1.5?--people do it. Stop&Shop would've been screaming at us. We had managers walking through and saying "You guys are doing amazing!" and they clearly meant it.

      The Great Captain Planet/Hitler Face-off of 1995

       Got my COVID haircut last month. Sister Patty, who'd been working 60 hour weeks since reopening a month ago, asked "How do you want it?" I said "Assume I won't get another for 6 months." I think it's the shortest my hair's been since middle school, when we had that one terrible president. Thank Gourd we'd never have another one as bad as Nixon!
      My hair had gone from "Winter Soldier" to more of
      
      "MY NAME IS KAREN AND I WANT TO SEE YOUR MANAGER NOW! ATTACK THEM, MY HAIR!"

      As CT is one of only 4 states with declining coronavirus cases, I think it's time I did my part!
      WE CAN CATCH UP TO FLORIDA AND TEXAS! CT, STOP WEARING MASKS!
      Notice how that when you wear a mask, people can't see your nose? This is the REAL threat. What if Harry Potter sees you and thinks you're Voldemort? He'd yell all "CAVEAT EMPTOR ERGO PROC HOC LASAGNA" and spell you to death.
      That would be another old one. Today I might say about those bikers in Sturges--guys so manly they don't wear masks, they don't even wear helmets as they squat on their 150MPH bicycles--that the first day's concert that they risked their and everyone around them's lives to see, was Smashmouth. Yeah, put that on my tombstone. "HEY NOW, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, YOU GOT COVID! All that intubulates is g-o-o-o-ld!"

      Okay, not even sure why the following are here anymore. They were good enough when I was planning on writing this, so they must be good now!

      

      You'll tear up at that one.

       21 Ridiculous (and Seriously Problematic) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Figures of the '90s I only sold a few of these in my toy store days, but...they were memorable.

       Something about kittens. Likely super cute! What, am I supposed to edit my own page?

       The Conspiracy Singularity Has Arrived

       Trailer for a movie about Pepe the Frog's unintentional de-evolution from comedy stoner to pro-Nazi symbol. Remember Richard Spencer at that "Many good people on both sides" Nazi rally that Trump praised and ended in murder? He pointed at his Pepe the Frog pin.

      

      POW! HAHAHA! Best part: when he stands back up, he's crying. "You can't do that to the Ma-a-a-ster Ra-a-a-ce! sob" They never caught the puncher, but witnesses said his last name was "Rogers."

      Okay, it's funny, but mainly here for the fact it sys "Connecticut" like 20 times.

      

       Polydactyl: Cats With Extra Toe Beans To Worship

       "It was all just a dream!" Disney Resetting Star Wars; Erasing Last Jedi. I tried twice to watch Rise of Shitlicker, and never will finish it. This is the Last Star Wars for me! (Until season 2 of Mandalorian comes out)

       Steamed a-HAms.

      

       “Useless Facts, Badly Drawn”: 33 Random Bits Of Trivia That Are Totally True

      I'll try to post more often. I don't want you guys to think there's been another Sinkcident.

8/24

       Byron managed to somehow stomp on my mouse and make the time/date stamp on the computer to go from one line to 3. I do not know how. It's irritating, my monitor's only 15 inches, so I need that space!
      After a month, he stomped again and reset it to normal. Byron: He puts the IT in kitty!
      This also made my mouse now go "DOODELY-DOOT" any time it went to the edge of the screen. So I guess I have to wait for more stomping.

      DJ likes to be chased. So he provokes his older brother into doing this. Bigfoot Byron's 17 now, and I'll bet you LTRotD just felt more long-timey right now--so he doesn't always rise to the bait. He pretends he'll chase, then sits down when DJ falls for it and runs. I call DJ "Provokemon." "Pick-at-you Pick-at-chu Pick-at-chu!"

      The grocery may not be able to get those Holy Grails of pandemic food (hash brown patties, Friendly's sherbert, and pre-cooked bacon, the STAPLES OF LIFE), but the Meat Dept has a four-foot row, top to bottom, of "chicken paws'. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED A GIANT PACK OF CHICKEN FEET FOR? Scaly, gross, gigantic feet with the toenails on? Does my town have a thriving Santeria community? Are chicken toenails now a food? WHY THESE FEET, why FOUR ROWS of HORROR TOOTSIES

      The public restrooms in the store are literally as far from my department as they can be, assuming there isn't a Port-a-Potty on the roof. Every shift I get "Oh god no" looks from people when I say "It's by the front entrance. A-a-all the way back."
      SHAWT: "Where are the bathrooms?"
      ME: "By the front entrance."
      "Where?"
      "By the front entrance."
      "By the fruits & veggies?!" (looks at the nearby fruit & veggies doors excitedly)
      Yeah, drop your pants and shove your ass into that 10 below zero door and take a dump on the Birdseye. I'll make you clean it off, and I hope you like anal frostbite.

      I was "blocking" (a weird task we do, that makes the dept look unshopped for the hour it takes before customers come through, then it looks like...customers came through, i.e. like shit, I'm kinda lost on why I have to spend 2 hours a shift doing this, but Life Is Absurdity is basically my only motto).
      I was doing this and heard a loud, violent sneeze. I heard two more. I looked up to see a guy, about 3 feet from me, who had who had taken his mask off to sneeze. And not in his elbows. And then he talked to me about something, some product we didn't carry, and all I thought was "I gotta wait 2 weeks before I find out what this guy did or didn't give me." Luckily, the door was open between him and me, but who knows what was floating in the air by his gaping piehole.

9/7

       I said I'd update more often because I didn't want you to think I'd had another Sinkcident. But I waited in a dropped-other-shoe way. I saw my Mom for the first time in 6 months! Masked and 10 feet apart, with me yelling "Air Hug!" without touching. I wanted to wait, because a few days later I was seeing Jessica for the first time in 7 months. But it rained up north, and we were meeting outside. In a graveyard, because Jessica. Maybe next week.
      And then, a shoe didn't drop, a jackboot kicked me in the head! The Sinkcident came back!
      It's been exactly a year since it ended. I got a phone message from my BIL. "You got a call from [inaudbile] Plaza!" Wha? I've only started using my sister as an emergency call number, and why would anybody call them before me? He left another equally confusing and garbled message, something about "Officer Palazzo" (sp?). This resulted in a total of 4 phone calls and 5 emails. It could've been covered by an email that read "The local police have a warrant for your arrest. Call them."
      It was for Crime #53a-211, "Possession of a sawed-off shotgun or silencer." It of course was for the former. The reason I never turned it in was because of--well, all this. It's not for self-defense, it's either a murder weapon or for self-offense, ie suicide. I was told that if I turned myself in, this could move to the next stage. So I did.
      There is no one in the lobby after you pass through the doors that close very loudly. No doubt when they lock, even remotely, they're fucking locked. I picked up the lobby phone to tell them what my issue was, and was told to wait. I read my Kindle (the sign said "No Cellphones" and it isn't one. It was that, or stare at their collection of old-timey handcuffs and batons that likely had bludgeoned someone to death. I would briefly glimpse, on my way to the Booking Basement, a case of what I assume were their most exotic weapons siezures: a pair of Thompson submachine guns. One a WWII model, and the other the iconic M1921 with the round magazine and front grip, seen in many a 1930s gangster movie, aka "the Meat Grinder.". I could've looked at those for a long time)
      I only waited 10 minutes. I was frisked, quite thoroughly (crotch sides), my pockets emptied. Of my 2 sets of keys, I said "There's a small pocket knife on one of them," so he kept that.
      Then, it was really just what you'd expect if you have never been arrested before and turned yourself in. Follow every direction, like "Sit down on this bench" which had giant metal loops on them, and what clearly were what they handcuffed you to. Then many questions. "Where do you work? Do you wear contacts? Where were you born? Do you have any gang affiliations? Do you have all your Original Teeth?" (huh?) Lots of very fast touch typing by the officer, while I just checked out the cinderblock-walled room. Why does their copying machine have a monitor? A sign that read "Have you Flushed the Holding Cell Toilet? MAYBE YOU SHOULD".
      "What is the highest level of education you achieved?"
      "Freshman year college."
      "What was the school?"
      "Oberlin, Ohio."
      He reacted to that. "I'm very familiar with them! Did you live in Ohio?"
      "No, they just looked like a great school. I slacked my way through high school getting A's, but then I had to do real work. That's why it was only one year." I realized that I was breaking my "No small talk" rule, but he was amused.
      The "copier" was a fingerprinting machine. You'd think this would mean 10 scans, 1 for each finger. But it's tips, rolled fingers, upper and lower palms, and the sides of your hands, so 26. "Don't move, let me do the work," but having someone else move your hands is weird. Pro tip: don't watch, you'll just start moving them.
      And then a bunch of form signing. Not having been through this before, I kinda hoped this would end it, but in 6 weeks I have a court date. I was released on a $2500 non-surety bond, meaning I didn't pay anything, and wouldn't unless I was dumb enough not to show up for my trial. That could result in a year in prison and lotsa fines. The trial he said could lead to well, anything. If they decide to prosecute, prison time. If not, it could be "nolled" (pronounced "nollied"), where I just have to keep my nose clean for 13 months and I don't have a record. Since my last brush with the law not involving illegal firearms was a ticket for running a yellow light 12 years ago, I think I can do that. So I think I'll just close my meth lab down for a year. Or it could be dismissed, which is basically the same without the 13 months. My trial is 10/20.
      I'm not super worried. Because I'M WHITE

       How to defend genocidal dictators, serial killers, and other evil people with conservative FACTS and LOGIC

       She WAS a Barbie Girl...

       Man walks like he's in a video game. Funnier than it should be. Note that the other people act lke NPCs.

       "VERILY, WE SHALL STAB THEE IN THE HEAD! LIKE 3 TIMES DUDE!" "Yeah, okay, sure. Whevs." Jess: "#20.....is that some kind of S&M advertisement?"

      For you really, really, REALLY LTRotD: Fourteen Vilainous Brak Memes For The 'Space Ghost' Fans

      Assuming that there is an election, and that he doesn't cancel it, and doesn't try to steal it, and Putin doesn't poison us all, Trump's clearly going to lose. And what will Mr "President until 2032" do then? When the Narcissist Fails should give you an idea. As for the USPS destroying, I got my latest Funny Times last week. But only the week before, I got September's! October's already? It was from June.

      Either you get it or you don't:
      

9/14

       I was annoyed that I can't use my garage, or even the parking lot outside my condo, for 10 days. Then I realized that they were finally addressing a problem we've had for the third of a century I've lived here: the garages flood after heavy rain. This has become a worse problem, thanks to global warming: We either get droughts, or massive storms. The ground is so dry, the lawn doesn't take in the water, it just goes into the garages. Their 2 brilliant strategies thus far: raising the pavement by the garage door by about an inch, which just keeps the water in. The other: long, ugly plastic tubes to direct the water away from the drain spouts, which doesn't do a dang thing. And they only put them in the front spouts, not the ones that lead into...the garages. This is like trying to bail out a flooding boat by drilling a hole in the bottom. There will be more heavy rains: we're only halfway through hurricane season, and they're running out of storm names. They're one away from switching to the letters of the Greek alphabet, which has happened this many times: none. (We now conclude the paragraph that has: too many colons)
      The paving was supposed to be done tomorrow. It clearly won't, despite the massed crew of exactly 2 guys working on it. I asked one of them today, as he was just standing there and the other massed crew was checking his phone. He chuckled at the idea of it being done tomorrow. When? "shrug"
      So I called the Condo Ass and left a message.Oddly, about 10 minutes later, they started working again, and 2 others turned up. Massed Workers Squared! Whenever they finish, it'll be a week before we can park anywhere near our houses. Because the pavement has to "cure." Like sausages? As they say, it's best not watch laws and sausages being made. Or asphalt.

      Trump wins Bay of Pigs Award. "He got an endorsement in 2016 from the Bay of Pigs Veterans Association. It's not an award. He has a long history of turning endorsements and other non-awards into awards." Shit, I think he's earned an award! For being a pigheaded pig. Also, the Bay of Pigs Invasion went about as well as his presidency has.

      Old-timey science fiction and fantasy writers thought that since Venus had clouds, it had swamps, and if it had swamps, it had dinosaurs. I'm unclear on the logic there ("Step One: Clouds. Step Two: ? Step Three: DI-NO-MA-SAURS!")
      In reality, Venus smells like rotten eggs. Not that you'd get a chance to smell it. The atmosphere has the pressure of being at the floor of the ocean, so that you'd be crushed. Not that you'd feel it, because the surface temperature is 900 degrees F. Not that you'd burn, because that smell comes from the fact the air is made of sulphuric acid. Even the rain is acid. As Carl Sagan said, "Venus is Hell."
      But...Scientists Detect Apparent Signature of Life in Venus’s Atmosphere. Maybe, maybe not. The chemical detected, as far as can be observed on Earth, only comes from germ farts. "The signal in question is phosphine, which, on Earth, is produced almost exclusively by anaerobic microorganisms, that is, creatures that thrive in oxygen-free environments. This gas, annotated as PH3, is often found in marshes and wetlands and is highly flammable." See? SWAMPS! T. REXES!
      I'd yesterday read an interview about global warming. Asked whether Earth could ever undergo the runaway warming that made Venus hell, the author only said "It's possible." Not "highly unlikely" or any other qualifer. So, we'll all die, but...we get ankylosaurs? I may be missing something here.

      Kitten With Broken Jaw Saved Thanks To A Creative Use Of Buttons

      Let's Talk About Death, Baby...in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Pretty clear at this point that I'll never finish watching that trash compactor of a movie (aka "What an interesting smell you've discovered!" also, "That's no moon! That's a GIANT TURD") I was putting ice cream away the other day, and case of Breyers chocolate/vanilla had Rise of Skywalker packaging. "Dark Side, Light Side," geddit? I thought it odd we'd get that now, and it turns out that their other packages had expiration dates of early 2022. This expires in a month. So, just hangin' round the factory, and they sent it out. We also have some ice cream sandwiches shaped like the Millenium Falcon. These do not sell. I'm not sure about the Star Wars branded hand sanitizers, but at least those have the sense to connect themselves to the Mandalorian. I do not know if we have Yoda-themed baby wipes, but it would make sense if we did.

      Two great tastes that taste great together: Cyriak and Sparks.
             
      

      


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