ďIf all ideas have equal validity then you are lost, because then, it seems to me, no ideas have any validity at all."
Jump to the Newest of the New
I bought a pound-sized bin of Temptations cat treats, as it was 50% off. I should've bought more, as that's as cost-effective as it's going to ever get. I did find an advantage to getting the smaller ones in bags. I dropped the bin, it exploded open, and I had to shovel the treats back into it. Of course, I had 3 helpers. One mammal's disaster is another mammal's dream.
It could've been worse. I could've spilled the catnip.
Having exhausted all the CDs at two libraries, I went to the next closest. It looked like they had a few--and I mean, like very, very few--I would borrow. They're free, and mine forever once they're on iTunes. It looked like maybe 2 visits worth. I passed on classical for now, as that spinner rack had a very heavy table blocking the lower shelves. Although the Xmas music rack was easy to get to, which is helpful in January. I grabbed about 25, and went to check out. And that's when they slapped the cuffs on.
I'm a fugitive from Library justice! The one I haven't gone to in over a year claimed I still had 1 CD out. Yeah, I have iTunes, I don't need to physically steal anything. I searched the only likely places it could've gone. I have some vague recollection of getting home after the last time I was there and finding 1 leftover CD that I put in the book drop, which you're not supposed to do. But I wasn't expecting to be liable for $16 for stealing a CD that I have no need to take. The librarian at this place said that maybe they put it on the shelf without processing it. That would mean that no one's checked it out since then. I can't imagine why one of their top rentals wouldn't be the soundtrack to "Pride and Prejudice," 1995 TV version. I think Beyonce was on it, or maybe some other of today's big stars like Mary J. Blige or those guys who did "Lump".
When I said that I had no problem getting CDs from the 2nd library I went to, she let slip that "They're on a different computer system than we are." A-ha! The flaw in your plan! I'll go to the fourth closest library, and continue my bloody reign of borrowing! I renounce the name Bill the Splut for my new crimes name, Borrowin' Bill Scarface! (although I may still go by Spitball Jones)
I checked their collection online, and like all libraries, it makes no fucking sense. I was under the vague impression that libraries had this thing called "the alphabet." But Nah, just put 'em in any order you want. I searched under "CD Music" because I had to, and then had to click on "CDs" because Dewey and his decimals were murdered I guess. I tried to figure out how things must be kept in their department. Why, when looking under Rock, do the same titles appear in Pop? And Alternative? And Rap? Why is everything under everything else? Why did a David Halpern CD--which, in my old Lechmere music department would've been in New Age, have EIGHT different categories? Of course, 4 of them were "Relaxation," "Meditation," and "Music for Meditation, " and "Music for Relaxation." One of the categories was for this CD alone. In fact, every CD was hashtagged as "CD," so don't go looking in the 8 Tracks. Things must've been organized in some Mandelbrot set of fractals. Maybe it's Schroedinger's Library, and titles only turn up where you didn't look. Maybe everything was just dumped in one big section, haha!
The sections were New, Classical, and Everything Else. And it was handily placed at waist height, except for 2/3s of it, which required crouching on the floor to look through, so sorry about your arthritis Grandma, no Coldplay or Barenaked Ladies for you! (There were a lot of the same artists, over and over. One series: the BBC Sound Effects Library. One was called "Industry," and the tracks are "Brewing -- Milk bottle plant -- Textiles -- China Factory -- Stainless steel making -- Refuse skip -- Grinding -- Water-mill" because who us hasn't needed 8 minutes of fucking china factory sounds on our mix tapes)
I went in looking for 1 Halpern CD, 3 Mobys, and 2 Enyas. I found the Moby. The Enya wasn't there, unless it was (I'd never seen the cover, which turned out to look pretty much the same as an earlier album by her, so I might've flipped past it). The Halpern, I later learned, went missing in 2017. So sure, keep it listed online. I need to find the guy who has it, so that he can join me in my looting frenzy. Especially as the website listed Halpern not as "Missing" but as "Billed."
Librarian looks around in a panic at an empty CD section: "We've been--BROWSIN' BILLED!"
"For Howard, Things Are About To Get R'lyeh Crazy!"
From a bin at Dollar Tree, "Howard Lovecraft and the Undersea Kingdom" and yes, it's a kid's movie based on HP Lovecraft. It has the voices of Mark Hamill of "(the Star Wars franchise)", and Academy Awardģ-winner* Christopher Plummer. If you wonder what the asterisk is for, it's "*2010: Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role: Beginners". Maybe it's a different Christopher Plummer? Little Chrissie Plummer, age 5?
If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you can watch the trailer and see the fine CGI and productional values and stuff that went into making this. Given the fact that it was marked down from $24.95 to a dollar in less than a year, the thought of watching it fills me with a loathsome, unhallowed, shambling, cycoplean, employee-did-not- wash-hands-after-using-bathroom dread. Well, here we fucking go. I survived "Food Fight!" without being reduced to gibbering madness. There's only one way this could be worse! It could be boring!
Howard's a bit macrocephalic. Like a watermelon on a toothpick. He has bags under his eyes. He has bags over his eyes. Despite getting plenty of sleep, as he awakens from a weird dream. Which, I bet, sure doesn't mean he's not still dreaming. Oh. He is. There are fish swimming outside his window. He is dragged into the water, grows gills, and meets--CTHULHU! Except he's floating and glowing and named...Spot. Spot is his friend, and calls him Master constantly. Then he wakes up again. Mother wants to send him to school, and she's clearly evil, lusting after Howie's book. Is it the Necronomicon? Then, from the twisted Mythos of Lovecraft, comes an abomination so foul, so blasphemous, so horrifying, that I must shield my eyes! OH NO, NOT--*poof*
Whaaat the fuuuck? Is this Smurf Village? Some noseless, befreckled cutesy-wootsie kids from the Land of Care Bears? Who talk all wike dis, oh so sweet? I think they're bipedal fish? They're going to see King Didntcatchhisname, and the Littlest Angelfish says "I hope he has something to eat!" Girl Sea Monkey says "I hope it's crispy!" You're a fucking fish person! The last crispy food here was a serving of Your Grandmother & Chips.
There in the castle, which was "once covered in ice" (there was a first HP movie, involving the "evil king Abdul Alhazred" who was Cold Miser I guess) There are also some Minions or shit, little cute goblin bat clowns doing slapstick--the Slapstick of the ETERNALLY DAMNED! Wait, are these those Mi-go bats? Please tell me no, I beg you, for the sake of my sanity!
Mi-god-I'm-cute Bat says the King won't see them. Genuine Lovecraftian dialog from the Fish Children: "No way!" Oldest fish, who has no nose but does have ears and earings and sounds like she came from the mall, "No way!" Are you trembling now?
The King refuses to see them. A kid says "It's Gotha, David, Twat and Innis!" That's what it sounds like. The door bursts open and--CTHULHU!! "SPOT!" scream the kids. Spot hugs them and says "SQUID KIDS!" and hugs them.
Whaaaaat the fuuuu
Spot astrally projects to meet Howard, who is still going to school with Evil Possessed Mother. On July 19th, 1898, we are told for some reason. School's in session in July? What unpseakable eldritch horror! Spot goes to some Land of Little Bee Gnomes, sniffing out Howard literally. He ain't there. Maybe it's July 20th? Spot then goes to outer space, where he sniffs some asteroids. Then he goes to Antartica maybe, and sniffs...is the voice actor doing coke? I hope he's on something to get through this.
HP's at the asylum, dragged by his Mom, and there's Alhazred, and he has HP's real parents, and demands of Howie "All I want is the trout!' What? (turns subtitles on) "All I want is the journal!" Dude, you said trout, I'm sure of it. Spot recommends that they flee, and HP says, in that inimitable way of Lovecraft dialog, "You don't have to tell me twice!" Alhazred says he cast a spell that will turn Howie into a Deep One, which...sure, yeah. Nameless Other Bad Guy doing a clear Darth Vader voice (is this Hamill?) warns that his father will not tolerate failure a second time! Was watching the first movie actually a requirement? Did this crap come with homework? Spot is caught by Al in a fishbowl, and he will awaken him as a Dreamer and Destroyer. So...Spot is Cthulhu? HP's in the Miskatonic U library with Dr Armitage, and Spot's name is Thu Thu Hmong. Does he own a pho restaurant? Howie's journal is part one of the Necronomicon, and Spot is "not yet Cthulhu." Look, we're only 15 minutes into this, I think I'll sit back and just watch this mountain of madness.
Okay, now we're 18 minutes in, and Howie's got Innsmouth hands. "I'm turning into a fish!!" Nameless other Bad Guy is, you got it, Nyarlathotep. Howie's dad isn't with Al, he's on campus a few yards away. Shoggoths say "Tikeli-li" in the same wrenching, abominable, inhuman voices that one hears only in the depths of gibbering insanity or when someone says "Leave room for cream" at Starbucks. They also have a melodious laugh and only say "Tikeli-li.". Dad screams at HP "LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!" Man, I guess I really don't remember those books at all.
Finally! A string of Lovecratian adjectives! Crazy-ass Daddy Lovecraft says that HP's being "transmogrified" into "one of those slimy, gill-breathing, web fingered, gross, disgusting little fish men!" I should point out that the adult actors are having fun chewing the scenery, while HP is so bland, I think he won Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role: Beginning to Devolve Back Into a Lungfish, so at least this part of the script he can do.
Okay, Nyarly has got to be Hamill, because this is such a dead-on Vader. The way he pronounces "insignficant--as a small worm!" and then onscreen, his Cheez-Wiz animation hand makes a teensy lil' "like a worm this teensy" gesture. It's funny. Now, Armitage trains Luke--um, Howie--to levitate boulders. Daddy uses odd diction: "Impatient, he is!" Huh. That seems kinda familiar...
The next 20 minutes has a bog-standard fistfight with Al and the Shoggoths, which are pronounced shog-GOTH and are hideous floating Beholder-style demons that shop at Hot Topic. Then a flashback to Crazy Daddy's early days with Dr Herbert West. The box says that a voice is supplied by a guy from Re-Animator, so, parents, if your kids like this movie, rent them that next! Crazy Daddy goes to the Distant Planet Yuggoth and meets Dagon, and this drives him so utterly, irretrievably insane that he says "La-dee-da!" a lot. Then they go to the Shunned Circle, aka Crap Stonehenge, and Crazy starts digging with a shovel that I guess was in his pocket, and says some more Lovecraftian dialog: "Time to get DIRTY! LAND HO!" I guess this is where he buried the prostitute's body. Then they're in the Undersea Kingdom, HP gets nabbed by Dagon, don't worry he's a good guy, lots of name-dropping from the Mythos, Azathoth is the real bad guy, they get teleported to the Undersea Kingdom which is where I thought they already were, then Azzy says "outside the ordered universe is an amorphous blight of nethermost confusion, which blasphemes and bubbles at the center of all infinity." Surpisingly, he does not add "Badabing! You snooze, you lose, fart-face!"
Then Howie has to face three Indiana Jonesish challenges, which are so boring I'm skipping them. Although the Fish Men wearing sport coats and matching vests are notable. He and Spot return so that Al can raise Cthulhu, but this doesn't work because only a Lovecraft can do it, so nice fuckin' plan, Al. Dagon randomly appears and Howard, Crazy Dad, Fishy Mom and Spot disappear in a scene they didn't bother to animate. Nyarly hits Al with force lightning while Dagon stands there like a big goofus.
Back at Miskatonic, Howie gathers all three trout--um, Journals, and binds them into the Necronomicon. The Necronomicon is a Good Guy, too! He saves his Mom, who has become so much of a Fish Lady that her name almost became Mrs Paul. Crazy Daddy introduces "This is Cthulhu, he eats reality! My wife once ate a whole chicken!" The Necronomicon is so powerful that it obviously inspires a sequel (yeah, good luck with that), but the ever bland HP says that his house is protected by ryunes. "Runes" throughout the movie has been pronounced as "roons" or "ruins," so this is a nice change. Cthulhu/Spot returns to R'yleh, where the Squid Kids are having a fucking tea party--but what about the Mi-go Little Ponies? How will there ever be a fandom of Mi-gonies? And then, at home, there's a knock at the door and it's--HP LOVECRAFT ALL GROWED UP! OMG! LOL! POOP EMOJI!!
The credits inform us that this was a film by Sean Patrick O'Reilly that was produced by Michelle O'Reilly. Then--a post-credit scene! Cthulhu walks a few steps, then gets knocked out by some colour out of space. Wow, sign me up for the next movie! The credits continue, and seven out of the first eight names are surnamed O'Reilly. Hamill actually did Armitage, while Nyarly was done by a guy doing an imitation of Hamill doing an imitation of James Earl Jones. Christopher Plummer did Dr West, who had maybe 10 lines, and Ron Perlman was Shoggoth, with one repeated line, "Tikeli-li." Then, there's a post-post-credits sequence, which is a bunch of Shoggoths saying their unforgettable catchphrase, "Leave room for cream." "Howard Lovecraft will return in The Kingdom of Madness." Sure he will. Sure he will.
It was worth a dollar. Even if the animation sometimes wasn't that much better than this:
His feet and wrists heavy with shackles, he struggled into the room of kids in his orange jumpsuit. Smug kids, proud of their crimes. They will soon be...SCARED STRAIGHT.
"You maggots!" he growled. "You know who I am? I'm...Borrowin' Bill Scarface!"
They stared in terrified silence. One finally sputtered "W-who?"
"BORROWIN' BILL! You may know me better as--SPITBALL JONES!"
The kids cowered in the corner. One pissed his pants. One began to cry.
"HOW OLD YOU PUNKS?!" he screamed.
"We--we're in kindergarten! I want...MOOOOMMEEE!"
"You know what happens to shit like you in prison? You smile at a man, he smiles back, and then before you know it--HE DRINK YOUR JUICE BOX!" He looked each of them in the eye, coldly. "AND IT WAS THE BEST JUICE BOX FLAVORZ!"
"See this tattoo? This is what you get in prison!" He lifted his sleeve, showing a bleeding, blistered, ragged hunk of skin. "You know what this is?!"
One child stammered "R-really kinda gross?"
"YES! It's--eww. Wow. It is kinda gross. Actually, it's Dawn Wells in a bikini riding a robot dinosaur." He sobbed, then choked it back long enough to say "It was my life dream, this tattoo. All I gotta say, if you don't wanna be like me, here in the Library Jail, is 'Don't do the Crime, if You can't DEWEY DECIMAL the TIME!"
"M--Mister the Spitball, h-how long you've been here?"
"Huh? Like 5 minutes. I walked in looking for the bathroom. Wait, did I read the script wrong? 'DON'T DO THE CRIME--UNLESS YOU PAY THE OVERDUE FINE!"
"Huh? How much was the fine?"
"Oh, nothing. Weren't no crime, so there were no fine. Where's the bathroom again?"
My life as a fugitive from Library Justice was brief. As the Ellington librarian thought, my overdue CD was sitting on the shelf in Rockville. I took out maybe 50 CDs once I knew that was cleared of all library crimes. Not in Rockville, of course; I'd tapped that place out a year ago. And now, for the edification of exactly nobody, my reviews of central CT library CD collections!
Rockville: I was not explicitly told "All we have are the CDs that no one could be bothered to steal," but it was heavily implied. Your only source for that Crown Jewel of CDs, the 1995 BBC soundtrack to "Pride and Prejudice." CDs in pretty bad shape, so expect that weird chuff chuff noise when they play. This is not a sound I've ever heard on any CD before. I would soon learn that it's the "borrowed too many times" sound.
South Windsor! Insane collection of truly sprawling styles. Most libraries don't even have ONE Eno CD. CDs in generally good shape; some chuffing. So many odd and differing CDs that it's the only library that I couldn't use up in one go (excepting the ones with strict borrowing limits)
Manchester. The fuck. I don't even know how you could scuff a CD like this, unless you were involved in some secret Pentagon CD-scuffing project. Were they cleaned with steel wool? Used as pucks in street hockey? Good place for Indigo Girls CDs, if that's what you like. I mean, like every Indigo Girls' CD. You can often tell what the CD-budgeting person likes. Also, in the impossible event that you ever borrow the Manchester High School 2003/04 Instrumental CD and put it in iTunes, I PUT THE TITLES IN, BEEYOTCH! Immortality at last!
Ellington: Whoa, whoever decided to get rid of the fragile jewel boxes and go for these cases is a genius! I assume they have a name; I've always called them "2-button" as the center that holds it in has 2 buttons, and not that "plastic starfish asshole one that breaks into tiny shrapnel so that the disc falls out" kind. Not a single scratch on any one! Also, they let me take out 50+ in one go, despite being the ones who caught me not returning that CD that I did return.
Warehouse Point: Dunno, Copper! I never went there. The catalog lists 148 CDs of fucking utter blandness, the newest being from 1998 and 50 of them are Xmas. East Hartford: catalog defaults to Manchester's. Huh? This is like going to D'angelos and being told you can only pick up your food at Subway.
I'm going to drop off my CDs at Ellington, as we have a Three Strikes law here, and I'm think I'm done with library CDs. And I'm going into the Witness Protection Program. From now on, I'm Spitball JOHNSON
After this, I went grocery shopping and Airline Food, Amirite?! When you go to the store for one thing, and then buy everything but the one thing you came for? I remembered just as I was about to leave--wet cat food! Funny that I only just thought of that, thinking how Killsy would be disappointed if I didn't get any! As I went, I noticed that the music playing was the Eurythmics' "There Must Be an Angel." The Fantastic Plastic Machine's version of this was playing the night I brought tiny Kill Kill home. I began crying that day, knowing that there was an angel playing with my heart, and she was what I'd never had in 40 years of living. Coincidence that I thought of her that second?
YES! I ain't no gay fag looser who tears up about kitten memories! I'm so manly that I just flushed my Gillette razors down the toilet, and will now exclusively shave with only broken shards of glass from Bud bottles! Hey, why's my toilet overflowing?!
I've been reading Jason Colavito's blog. I'm aware that cable has things like the Ahistorical Channel, Moron Discovery, and TA-LC (The Anti-Learning Channel) and other cable networks based on "How stupid are Americans?" like Fox. I didn't realize how prevalent these shows are until now. Did you know there's one hosted by noted scholar of Transformerology Megan Fox?
Colavito's headlines include "Andrew Collins Claims Native Americans Were Ruled by Hybrid Denisovan Giants Who Masterminded Mound Building" and "David Wilcock Tries to Link Q-Anon Conspiracy, Space Aliens, and 'Hamlet's Mill' While Promoting New Documentary" about ďthe Cabal, a coalition of Reptilian extraterrestrials, Democrats, and Jews working to destroy the conservative white Christian lifestyle." And you wonder why the country's so dumb it's run by Trump!
A thing I never heard of, but apparently is a big deal, is "The Curse of Oak Island". This is where all the treasure in the world is buried, starting with Captain Kidd. Who fled the Indian Ocean to fart around Nova Scotia. "These have included pirates, Inca, Romans, Vikings, Israelites, and of course Knights Templar. For more than two centuries men have dug holes in the ground trying to prove that Oak Island conceals some fabulous treasure of myriad faces, everything from Spanish gold to Shakespeareís lost plays to the Ark of the Covenant." I can only picture all these guys there at once, with a pirate screaming at an Incan "HEY! I WAS GONNA BURY THERE FIRST!! Hey, Francis Bacon! I CALLED DIBS!"
"He comes dangerously close to (accurately) accusing the showís producers and guest stars Kathleen McGowan (the widow of Ancient Aliens star Philip Coppens who thinks herself a descendant of Christ and Mary Magdalene), Alan Butler (who once wrote that future Freemasons built the moon when time traveling), and Janet Wolter (wife of America Unearthed host Scott Wolter) of intellectual fraud by pushing discredited claims and outright hoaxes to play to the Da Vinci Code audience." Dude, that's not how you build up! "Wife of Scott Wolter," who cares? How about "Wolter, on their wedding night, ripped off his Bigfoot mask to show that he was actually the Loch Ness Monster! Janet then ripped off her mask, proving that she was Amelia Earhardt and also the clone of Kaiser Wilhelm! Then, their wedding bed ripped off its mask, and it was the Bermuda Triangle Wolfman or some shit, I don't know. The bed ate them."
(And if you want to back up there--yes, there are people who think the Moon is hollow and made by time travellers. And why is there not a show about trying to find the Secret Fish-Mines of Moncton?)
One of the Fifteen (you are one as well) mentioned in the Comments that he's reading this page again because of a dream, in which he undoubtedly bolted upright in bed covered in sweat like they do in every movie, although he might've not screamed but just muttered something about the bottom 6 inches of his tie. (Fun Fact I just checked: that single-slice toaster would cost $195.54 today) Jay has a has a blog about fried chicken that I mention because why wouldn't I? And this becomes something I was going to talk about here anyway, the terrible way my blog doesn't work.
I found out that, because my shitty web editor saves every fucking way it wants that doesn't work, the old News from 30 to 102 are impossible to access. Unless you change, say, http://www.thoughtviper.com/new30.html to http://www.thoughtviper.com/new/new30.html. Likewise, every newer old New can only be read by changing, say, http://www.thoughtviper.com/new121.htm to whatever the number is supposed to be, such as last year's being http://www.thoughtviper.com/new124.htm. Sometimes, you have to add an "l" to ".htm" I tried fixing it, but the editor made new/new into new/new/new. I'll figure it out someday...
BIN! MILJONTALS BIN!
Yes, you can finally see, in all its 150 minutes of splendor The Swarm! Now you can find out how little I exaggerated it!
Plan Nine! Voyage Into Space! Gymkata! King Kong Lives! There truly are very few movies that really are "so bad they're good, that being because Holy Shit, they sure think they're good!" You don't need wisecracking robot puppets to laugh at this movie. There is no way it could be any funnier, with its terrible acting, ludicrous story, and lousy effects! Unless--
"Ja kunde aldrig dromma om att edet skulle vara bina! De har alltid varit vanner." Unless it's subtitled in Swedish. Did you know that Swedish for "Alert" is "Varning"? That was the first subtitle, when I didn't know it was subtitled. I thought it was a joke, and the next title would be "Mynd you, mÝÝse bites Kan be pretti nasti..." but no, it's actual Swedish. Which has words like "fart" and "slut" and my favorite, when Crane yells "TITTA!" and General Dick says "Doesn't look like a bee to me!" Dude, he just told you it's a titta.
If this is your first time viewing it, try to ignore the subtitles and focus on just how bad it is. And it most likely will be your first time, as I don't think it was ever released on anything but VHS in the USA. Maybe this is because of the whole "Kill the Africans!" dialogue, which is sometimes screamed. Richard Chamberlain calls them "Colombian," and Michael Caine shrieks "It doesn't matter what we call them! They're a mutant species of AFRICANS!" so apparently it does matter what you call them. Later, as they begin to exterminate them, "Tomorrow, there will be no Africans, at least in the Houston area!" Note that there are exactly 2 very briefly glimpsed POCs in this movie.
Along with all the other insanity, and the fact that there is not a single character you care about because they're all either assholes or morons, you get the language lesson. "Vi vet inte mangastick de har fatt Africanz bis!" Okay, I forget what that meant, but it's fun to say! It weirdly adds to the movie that it has subtitles like a profound Bergman film. As when Paul, the Eee-Whee-It's a Bee Boy yells "Det ar ett BI har inne! Hjalp!" at the giant imaginary bee. That quote at the start of this was, of course, about the impossibility of imagining bees not friending us. Next time you're in Stockholm, you can solemnly intone "HOUSTON--brinner. Kommer skulden att laggas--pa MIG ELLER BINA?!" Or inject yourself with bee venom and say (while sweating--My god, I was sure not joking in my old review about all the sweating in this movie) that your blood levels are rising to "Laskiga navaer!!" Was that blonde skiier a rude SOB? No, en ortig typ! Or just mention in some cafe "Och arden forste officeren i historen som far stryk av en mass insekter!" even if you are not getting your butt kicked by a mess of Scandanavian bugs. Then spit your coffee out, declaring "Det ar farligare an giftet den Australika kubmanetin!" Or just listen to the dopey English words, like the total evacuation of Houston being helped by the fact that "Most people stayed indoors, or went to church." Or the accents, which sometimes change during the same sentence. Or the way Crane eats sunflower seeds, which is to shove an entire fistfull down the back of his throat, swallowing them without chewing.
I imagine that this will be online until someone finds out, so make sure to use this chance to finally see "KATASTROFPLATZ HOUSTON"!
Yeah, or maybe not watch The Swarm from that link, as something gave my computer a minor virus. Malware removed it. All I saw was occasional freezing, and every few hours, MSN insisting that I connect my wifi to Xfinity. Which I don't use. Not sure what was going on there.
To make up for it, here's some more bad translations!
Also... Maybe donít turn real-life racist H.P. Lovecraft into the cuddly star of an animated kidsí movie? Yes, guess which beloved franchise THIS is! It's Tikke-li Elmo!
She's home. She's comfortable. But I don't think Kill Kill is going to last the night.
But it will be at home, safe, surrounded by her loved ones, and in her sleep.
But...please don't. Honey, please--even one more day...
6/16/1999 to 2/18/2019
I almost wrote here the good news that Kill Kill's thyroid was in remission. Her health is great!
10 days later, it was morning wet food time. She's normally first in line, that day she wandered off to the side. She only ate a little. I guess she doesn't like that flavor.
The next day, she did it again. Then DJ started freaking out. He stood right above where she lied, and began almost hopping up and down, crying at her for attention. And it went on for a long time. That's when it hit: she's not eating, and I can't remember the last time I saw her drink! She had discharge around her eyes.
Of course, this was Sunday and the vet up the road was closed. Now it was my time to freak out. I called Cat 911--Jessica--and had a panic attack that I was watching her die. She thought that I was overreacting. She calmed me down.
The next time, Killsy was a little better, but still barely eating and very listless. I'd gotten so upset the night before that I made myself sick. I decided to wait another day. Since any time there's a cat disagreement, someone gets scratched near the eye, maybe she had an eye infection. I decided to bring her in the next day, because if this was something that could be fixed with a vax, it should be done.
The vet had a "This is bad" look the second he walked in the room. She was dehydrated, hence the discharge. She'd lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks. Her temperature was 5 degrees below normal, and her blood pressure very low. My hopes of a quick cure faded instantly. "She is effectively a 20 year old cat," he said. "It's probably systemic; maybe her kidneys." They gave her intravenous hydration and forced some high-calorie food into her mouth.
I called Jess again with the bad news. Kill Kill did seem to recover some strength after the visit, but the vet said she may have at most 2 weeks. She wasn't in Pain.
Then she began to slide. Every day, ate and drank less. Slept constantly, but with her rheumy eyes open. My plan was to let her pass at home. But she got so weak...Then yesterday I woke up realised that I hadn't been eating either. I spent the day stress-vomiting stomach acid. She would get up, walk a few feet, plop back down, trying to get comfortable. Finally she staggered into the room, fell to her side, and began making tiny, weak cries.
I called the vet and asked to come in. I called Jess one last time. Tragically, just 2 days before she'd lost her cat Paul without warning. I asked her if I should bring her in. "I got up and found Paul had passed! I would've wanted it to happen in my lap! You're doing this for her because you love her!"
She was too weak to fight it. She was so dehydrated, they couldn't find a vein on her back leg, so they had to shave her front one. Yes, it took two attempts. I was handed a flyer for the cremation, and it wanted me to choose the tyle of tin for her ashes. I'm thinking of home decor right now?!
Both boys noticed she didn't come home. DJ spent 10 minutes circling every room in the house, no doubt looking for her. After sunset, Byron suddenly began screaming every hour all night for...something. I think he'd figured it out.
I thought I'd be a pool of tears. Instead, I puked. Now it's just so weird to not have her here. I guess I'm still in shock--she went from perfect health to the end in 9 days.
I knew it would be bad. Just not this bad.
I don't eat, I don't sleep, but I also barely leave bed. I now wish I hadn't had her cremated. Picking up her ashes was horrifying. Looking back on it, it's like trying to remember a nightmare.
I never noticed that when I leave a room, even the bathroom, I do a quick mental survey for where each cat is. That was hard, as she was always the first I thought of.
DJ is extra affectionate to both Byron and me. (Maybe a little too much--I know my personal hygiene has taken a hit on some days, but I don't need a face bath at 3AM) Byron stills screams at night for her.
I saw my mother this week. That helped. After almost 20 years, she still grieves for my Dad.
The dam still hasn't burst. It came close when I got her ashes. Then there was a card in the mail, from the vet. I thought it was generic, like the "happy birthday" postcards they send. No, it was signed by the whole staff. I got my Cat-a-Day calendar late this year, and today it finally turned over to her last day. The text ended with "Any extra days BB gets to spend with his owner, Lisa Young, are automatically great ones." Her name was KK, mine is Young...
When I got home on the day I was told her time was short, I called Jess to break the bad news. I suddenly realized that iTunes was playing a song by the Temptations: "My Girl." That was one of our songs! "Talkin' bout my girl, Kill Kill!" A few songs later, it was more Motown: The Supremes, "My World is Empty Without You Babe." 24,000 tracks, and both have played themselves since.
Not to make this all darkness, here's a thing that came out of me, on a Brian Eno Facebook page. I thought it came out good, although you may not get any of the references
And to anyone who left a comment here or on Facebook about My Girl, thank you. Especially for not saying "She was only a cat."
I'm better. Not good, but better.
I got cards. One from Pat (the Cool Sister). One from Jessica. As one would guess, it was covered in her handwriting. All kind and reassuring. "I remember the moment she came into your life. 'Her name is Kill Kill! Isn't she the most beautiful cat you've ever seen?' I said in return, 'She is an angel.' And so, the passion of our feline friends ignited. She loved you as much as you loved her. Death is just death, but love is forever."
And there was a handmade suncatcher in her honor. It hangs now on my monitor, from the Shrinky Dink portrait our Disney artist friend made me so many years ago. Sometimes it just lays there very still. Other times, it moves constantly. Just like a cat.
Well. Let's just write something then.
Hey, how about the movies I've seen since...(checks Netflix) December? There's a thing.
Alien Planet: I've seen this many times. It's from Discovery Channel I think? It's based on a good book that was much better than this. Downside: it's from Discovery or History Channel, so every time there's about to be a commercial break, it tells you EXACTLY what will happen next, so you don't change channels. Ever be sitting in front of one of those guys who saw the movie, and HAS to give every plot point away to his GF who keeps saying "What happens now?!" very loudly? I fucking hate that. But it's well worth watching, if you want to see something where the aliens are alien, created by a biologist, and not just some Star Trek biped with a goofy forehead.
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey: The Sub-subtitle. 2 dogs and a kitty go home, in a bound ward way. I liked it. But why, in this kind of movie, do the dogs always get it easier than the cats?
ALIEN JELLY! No wait, Space Jam. This was only on my list because I have the magnets. When the VHS came out, at Lechmere we were giving away a 4-pack of fridge magnets with each purchase, as advertised on the front of the flyer. I let anyone in the music video department take ONE set, but told them to never give out any to the other depts. Because when we ran out, we'd be the ones getting screamed at. Hey, guess what! Every person from every other dept wanted them, but refused to buy the video! Hey, guess what happened when my coworkers gave them out anyway! (It was screaming)
Oh, also, Space Jam isn't very good.
The Rocketeer: This was based on a comic book that was inspired by the old serial "Commando Cody," or as long time MST viewers will say "Nipple Nipple Tweak Tweak!" This is a great movie, and I rented it because I came across a review of Rocket Ranger, an old computer game that was literally unplayable. You didn't fly by nipple tweaking, you had to run at the exact right pace to launch. Then you fought a Nazi zeppelin, "Big balloon" doesn't sound hard, but it killed you instantly...and you were right back where you began. Running to fly and chase a gasbag. If you beat the zeppelin and died...Yep, right back to running to fight a blimp again. The Rocketeer is actually awesome, so if you haven't seen it and are in the mood for something Indiana Jonesy. With dead Nazis, which is always a plus in my book.
Incredibles 2: aka, It took us 14 years to make a movie with the exact same plot.
Annihilation: It was very good and you should see it, but...The Hell?
Avengers: Infinity War: The Third Viewing. How did Nebula know to send the Guardians to Titan? She doesn't know Thanos is going there! Why did Team Stark go there? They didn't know Thanos was going there! Thanos only went there, as far as I can tell, because Dr Strange went there, so he could get the Time Stone! MOVIE IS RUINED
Teen Titans Go Oh Fuck No! I ain't going there. Maybe I shouldn't rent movies where the entire audience is expected to have not hit puberty for 2 more years?
The Third Reich: Rise and Fall. This was interesting--all home movie footage from Germany from those years. Also: History Channel telling you at every fucking ad break "YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!" and then telling you what happens next. Not how clickbait works, assholes.
Tangled. I'm sure everyone watches this after they rented a documentary about Nazis. I kinda liked it. There was a frying pan. Okay, I really don't remember that much. Imagine how clogged her shower drain must be! (I have long hair so I can make that joke)
Twin Peaks: The Other One. Oh fuck no, this was awful. I made it 90 minutes in. I almost didn't make it 30 minutes in, when there was this big glass box, and there was this guy staring at it, and this girl stared at it with him, and I just sat there thinking "And then some monster in the box kills them," and then some monster in the box killed them. I was expecting creepy and weird, I wasn't expecting BORING.
KEDI! I needed to refresh my palate, so that wonderful doc about kitties in Turkey. Note: Kiterally nothing happens in this movie. Just kitties! (and proofing this--I spelt it "kiterally" and it was unintentionally)
Gidget. I made it maybe 15 minutes into this. I wanted Yvonne Craig in a bikini, and I got that, but also one of those 60 year old movies where the high school students are in their 30s and talk like no human being ever has.
Mad Max: Fury Road. Oddly, this did not have Yvonne Craig in a bikini.
Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Okay, I liked it, but even at 90 minutes it was long. The songs always did what movie songs should do, advance either the plot or the characters. But there were way too many songs. I'm still unclear on what exactly happened in the ending.
And then she got sick. And then she died.
And then Bedknobs and Broomsticks floated to the top of my queue, like that one turd that won't flush. I'd heard it described as "the worst Disney movie" so of course I had to see it. In fact I had, about age 11 or 12, and all I remember from seeing it in the theater was kids squirming in their seats, or falling asleep and then waking up crying "It's not over?" It's about as long as an Avengers movie! Now I just watched it numbly (I was pretty numb then, and it was like 3AM, I hadn't slept for days, and...my girl) Yes, it is very bad. It begins with the Bayeaux Tapestry, which you know even if you don't think you do, and there's Angela Lansbury riding her broomstick on it. Ha ha, I thought, are you gonna show the NAZIS next and they showed the Nazis next. Nice detail work on the armbands. Because this is the Disney movie where a witch fights the Nazis!
I could've edited this movie down to a reasonable, kid-friendly length. First, get rid of the songs. They advance the plot no more than 20 seconds of dialog could. You know how you sometimes exit a movie humming the songs? You'd be humming the sounds coming from a Taco Bell bathroom before these. There is one kinda good dance number about the mixing of cultures in World War Two Britain--oh, did I leave that part out? It's set in that charming moment in Britsh history, the wonderful Blitz when the Luftwaffe was bombing everyone to death! True fact: the English government ordered all families to send their children from London to the countryside, because separating young children from their parents couldn't possibly be traumatic! The main characters are 3 children, a boy about 13, a girl about 11, and a boy about 8. They can also be described as Horribly Awful, Girl Who Is Kinda There, and Idiot. You know what? Cut them out too.
There is my god, the longest song in history from some street charlatan. Cut him out. Roddy McDowell, pretty obviously looking for work before there's a planet of apes, is a horny pastor who...literally, I have no idea. He's in 2 brief scenes, maybe Disney had a contractul obligation to run out. There's a cartoon visit to a cartoon land, and it's literally just recycled animation from Disney's fox-based Robin Hood. It's about a soccer game! YES, it's that interesting!
At the literal two hour mark, the Nazis invade. It's about as entertaining as this movie gets. So. The movie could've been 20 minutes long, featuring Angela Lansbury fighting the most dorky, incompetent, American-accented Nazis ever. And it still would've sucked!
I gave it 3 stars out of 5. There are a fraction of movies so bad they're good, a vast majority so bad they're bad, and there's this occasional turd that's just..."So WHY is this movie?! WHO DECIDED MAKE MOVIE"
I only saw 2 Oscar candidate movies. Both had "Black" in thir titles. One was an MCU punch-em-up. The other was BlacKkKlansman. Wow, that should've won. (Based on the 2 movies I saw) It's funny and exciting, although KKK members in the real 1970s would never have had facial hair or long hair! It's almost like Lee was trying to compare them to how modern racists look oh right.
Captain America: The First Avenger. THIS is how you fight Nazis! With a garbage can lid!
It's on Youtube, so hopefully it won't give your computer a virus, or worse, give it an autism vaccine. You know how I sometimes yell "I watched FOOD FIGHT for you people!!" Here's Food Fucking Fight. I can guarantee you will not make it to the end. Even JonTron bailed halway through, and watching garbage is literally his paying job.
I gathered up the last loose end: her insurance claim.
For some reason the PDFs of her vet receipts didn't make it to them. But ASPCA Pet Inusrance emailed me that they'd contact my vet. A week later, they said the claim was being processed. Then that it was completed. I got about a third of the expenses back, right up to the cremation. Now I had to face cancelling her insurance...
Their next communication was a phone call. It was conolences over my loss of Kill Kill. The caller was reading from a script (she named DJ and Byron), but had real emotion in her voice. She either had the job--which would be a terrible job to do every day--because she was a good actress, or because--more likely--every operator has to do this at some point. Yes. I cried. You would've cried when her voice cracked.
The next day, Discover sent me notification of a refund to my account. What? It was the ASPCA again. I didn't have to cancel. They did it for me, and refunded my last month's payment.
If you ever want pet insurance, call the ASPCA.
As for me, I've gone from the horror of watching her waste away, to the shell-shock of her not being anymore, to just a dull ache that I accept. This is the new reality.
I'm not even going to attempt a segue here, just say--WOW Food Fight! really sucks! If you made it through that whole thing, congratualtions and I'm sorry you hate me now.
A movie that did cheer me up: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. It tried to be a comedy, a superhero movie, a family drama, and succeeded on all counts. The plot was kind of "teenager finds out he's the Chosen One," but I sure enjoyed the journey. Two major reveals I didn't see coming. And it really was funny! Make sure to see the end of credit scene, which plays as a dopey parody of all of the Marvel post-credit scenes, and features a Spider-Man that will never get a movie. And then follows it up with a cartoon about a talking pig. Yes, a post-post-credits scene.
Silly and Cruel Beauty Gadgets That Were Destined for Failure
I was happy that my dead battery only cost $53 to fix. I wasn't as happy when I was told that it was probably caused by an open door. The car's seat belt has a tendency to randomly not rewind all the way, so it might've been open only a seatbelt's width, and I didn't notice. They gave the battery a rechargs, and since my last 2 batteries died after exactly 3 1/2 years, I should be good until late 2022.
I did better than the young couple ahead of me. Maybe mid-20s, with a cute maybe 4 month old baby. I really wasn't paying attention, just reading my Kindle. But I caught that the owner came up with an estimate for a new engine. I thought, I had that done, it cost like $700. Cheaper than a car! Then the auto guy said "You need to look at these. The prices are crazy stupid." What type of car this guy drove, I don't know. The phrase "3 headers" was used, which is meaningless to me. At the end of my visit, he was recommending that they pick out an engine and get it shipped to the shop as the cheapest option. He wasn't trying to sell them anything; I know this is an honest shop. The husband finally said "This is going to cost us 3 or 4 thousand." Most Americans don't have 10% of that saved.
$53: because I didn't check to make sure a door was closed. $3/4,000: because they didn't change the oil and kept driving...
All the rest are just links.
The Odd Cat Sanctuary of Salem, Mass. Meet the cats!
How a Gang of New York Troublemakers Struck Americaís First Blow Against Hitler and the Nazis
That Time Scientists Thought Lambs Grew On Trees
Officer Cat warns, ďdonít jump out into the street!Ē Japan makes interesting safety videos.
Uri Geller promises to stop Brexit using telepathy : ďThree years before you became prime minister, I predicted your victory when I showed you Winston Churchillís spoon on my Cadillac, which I asked you to touch.Ē He sent her a letter. I guess his telepathy was too spoony that day.
A Brain Museum in Connecticut Features A Steak Signed By Pavlov. I'm drooling already! This should be a chain restaurant. "Pavlov's Mouth-Watering Hot Dogs."
Gullible People That Believed These ĎThe Onioní Articles Were Real. To me, the article's highest point was informing me that Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs.
A strange post on the Brian Eno FB page (by someone accidentally): "There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge". -Isaac Asimov
Someone responded "Yeah, I agree, but what does it have to do with Eno?" So I said
The Dreams Of A Man Asleep For Three Weeks
There was a 70s anime that got turned into the stoner-friendly US TV show, Battle of the Planets. Someone made a "movie" of it. It's just episodes hacked up, but it must've been done by a real fan. It highlights the unending repetition and cheapness of the American version, but also some great Japanese animation (as in the first minute of the opening sequence. Check out the lighthouse and the waves). You could guess without ever seeing more than the following that 7-Dork-7 and his stupid robot dog were just shoved in there, because all US sci-fi in the immediate post-Star Wars era needed some R2D2 wannabe. I love how it includes the only time they included 2 of the Japanese characters are in the same scene, and..."off-model" is too weak a word. I think, in my teenage years, I described the characters as "The boring guy, the asshole, the fat idiot, the retarded alien kid, and the girl who keeps flashing her panties." See if you agree!
I went to Yelp to leave a good review about my car mechanic, and then remembered why I don't use Yelp. Every 1 star review is clearly an asshole with an ax to grind against the merchant, and possibly the state of their own sad life. Here's one:
Okay, this is basically a text version of an unboxing video, but the writing is superb. The Quest to Acquire the Oldest, Most Expensive Book on the Planet
"Squishful Thinking: Earth is (always has been) round, so why have the flat-out wrong become so lively?" First article I've seen that actually adresses the question "Why do they believe this crap?" (For the same reason Creationism still exists--they want to be God's Special Gift)
The Day the Dinosaurs Died No, literally. What may be a fossil find of the moment of the dinosaur extinction. (Or not)
All The People God Kills In The Bible
"Take, for example, 1 Samuel, in which God destroys three cities, then smites the surviving populations with hemorrhoids to punish the Philistines after they steal the ark of the covenant. After the Philistines bring the ark to the city of Ashdod, God disciplines them: ďThe hand of the Lord was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and he smote them with emerods [hemorrhoids].Ē (1 Samuel 5:6) The Philistines apparently arenít very fast learners, because their solution is to move the ark to another city, which God once again destroys, again smiting survivors with hemorrhoids (5:9). The Philistines still donít get it, though, moving the ark to a third city, which God also stubs out and hits the survivors with, you guessed it, hemorrhoids (5:11-12). The Bible never specifies how many lose their lives in this grotesque punishment, or how hemmorhoids were even fatal." Well, that would've changed the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark...
I"I'm sure you know why this hearing has been called. You let 253 people--"
"I SAVED MY TEAM!"
"YES. You saved your FOUR PEOPLE, while you let 253 people die in an apartment fire!"
"I SAVED MY TEAM!"
"YOU--you fuck! You're a firefighter! You took your team out, let 253 men, women, children die in an apartment fire! Your job is to stop the fire! Not WATCH IT BURN WHILE YOU GO TO SUBWAY!"
"They...had $5 footlongs..."
"Well, don't do it again! Now, apparently, Houston is on fire, so we need you to go there and also fail."
I watched Mission Impossible 4: Laughfest because it was stupid to the point of being funny. Mission Impossible 5: Fuckyou is stupid to the point of being insulting. They don't even bother to connect one scene to another. There is no plot, besides what they had last time. The imaginatively-named Syndicate is here to be Evils! Or, as I called them in my last review of this crap, the DIGDUGS, for "Deadly International Group Doing Underwear Gnome Schemes." STEP 1: Spread anarchy worldwide! STEP 2: ???????? STEP 3: PROFIT! This time, it's been honed to STEP 1: DETONATE H-BOMBS! STEP 2: No, that's it.
It begins with "a Norwegian nuclear weapons expert who hates religion" (why...would Norway have experts on nuclear weapons?) I'm not sure why the Evil Atheist card is played, but he detonates H-bombs in Rome, Jerusalem and Mecca, and cackles evilly. Y'know, blow up the Vatican, and the Catholic Church doesn't have a going-out-of-business sale the next day. ("Pedophiles Half Off!") This, of course, is a clearly obvious ruse by the IMF, revealed when the walls of his room fall over and...why was there no roof? It's in a warehouse, he didn't notice there was no roof?
Well, forget about that! It's time to MEET the SPOILERS! So stop reading now. Lil' Tommy Cruise meets Superman's Mustache, and if you haven't instantly guessed the first "big surprise" double-cross, you haven't seen one of these movies before. (I've seen ONE of these movies before. Everybody double-, triple-, quadruple-crosses until you just sit there thinking "Yeah, I should invest some time into believing this fucker.") Angela Bassett, totally wasted here, is the CIA boss who is a bad guy, a good guy, a really bad guy, and then a good guy again. It really sums up this movie: Nothing means anything. It's just a link to the NONSTOP THRILL RIDE ACTION!! that is this movie.
If someone sat next to you in a theater, and screamed "NONSTOP THRILL RIDE ACTION!!" in your ear, it'd get your attention. If they did it for 150 minutes, you would first get mad, then just get numb and bored. If you have a favorite Marvel movie, think of it now. Was your favorite scene people beating the shit out of each other? Maybe it is. To me, it's the quiet, character-driven moments between the insanity. The beats that make you care about the character. That's what the 2 movies in the IMF franchise are to me--the exact opposite, just some guy screaming "LOOKA ME I EXCITINGS!!!!! NONSTOP THRILL RIDE ACTION!! Also--BLAAAARRRGH!"
No matter how much Executive Producer Tom Cruise cares about main character Ethan Hunt played by Tom Cruise, I don't. Hey, Tommy, maybe lay off the engrams and not have another scene where a teary-eyed character sobs about how
Executive Producer Tom Cruise Ethan Hunt is a perfect angel sent from Heaven? For 3 minutes? Why is that? Tommy Boy, you ever ask yourself why many people find your ego unappealing? Don't ask John Travolta, he doesn't know either.
There is a scene--it's the 2nd time CIA Angela is now a bad guy--that erupts into a firefight. It's the IMF vs the CIA! Except that half of the bad guys instantly now attack the other bad guys, because absoultely no reason. It's a 3 way! Then...there are immediately, and I mean within seconds, TWO MORE FACTIONS shooting at everybody. Will this be explained? Ever? I leave that to your imagination.
I should point out that these really aren't spoilers. That would imply that anything means something. Here's your spoiler: NO IT NEVER DOES
There is no feeling like watching a movie that is hypnotically bad, and yet you wish you'd never rented, like the beginning of the climatic scene! You say "OH THANK YE ODIN TIS BE OVER" And then see--there's HALF a FUCKING HOUR LEFT. It's not a positive feeling, mind you.
Have you ever done this? The bad guy starts a doomsday red LED clock counting down to the End of the World, and see it's "15 MINUTES" and then check the time it actually takes to end? And there's THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES TO GO? Yes, it's that movie.
We get constant reminders of how many seconds are left, apparently in dog years. There is no way, as depicted in this movie, that everything could be done in less than an hour. Kill the good guy? No, wrap her up in extreme bondage rope! (that she'll escape from) Kill the bad guy who did it? No, wrap him in extreme bondage rope! (that he'll escape from) Hilarious bit: one of the bad guys (there are several, figure it out yourself which one at this point) decides to die with his "5 megaton nuclear explosion" but tells the other bad guy to fly away in a helicopter to "the safe zone." With 15 minutes left. Look, I'm just going to go with "there is no safe distance from an H-bomb you can reach in 15 minutes in a helicopter," but the copters are shown flying at about 30MPH, and...7 miles away don't sound so safe. You'd think they'd fly as fast as possible, but Tommy needs to run with his weird arm-flailing thing and jump on, and...Oh god, this movie is bad. The bad kind of bad. They win at the litera--the literal--last second, and if I may quote myself from 20 years ago, "It's about as exciting as watching a microwave count down. Oh no, will my Hot Pocket be done?!"
I watched Ant-Man and the Wasp for the second time, and enjoyed it a lot more. First time, it seemed like it was trying too hard to be the first movie. But I always did love the fact that there's no real bad guy. The idea that Receding Hairline Man is as close as it gets is only beaten out by the fact that every problem stems from Dr Hank Pym being a bridge-burning asshole. And I came across this:
"So, there's this rich guy, right, 10 years ago? Terrorists have kidnapped him, I mean REAL bad dudes, and he's held in a cave by these guys, and he's got nothing but some pots and pans, he don't even got floss, and if you saw this guy's teeth you'd say "Whoa, there's a flosser!" So he builds an iron suit, right, out of like a calculator and a rice cooker, and--"
(ONE HOUR LATER)
"And he punches this Nazi right in the face, and he's 'MAN! Is that your face? That don't look healthy! Try some SPF 1000 or something!' And this Nazi, well he's pissed, because Nazis, they're all the time mad about something, and--"
(ONE DAY LATER)
"...so he's all, DAAAMN, here I am with this space racoon and some talking Chia pet, who is like, verbose, you know? Verbose tree? And then, this like Kree guy comes up and..."
(ONE WEEK LATER)
"Aaaand--SNAP! Man, asshole, right?"
I got in the car and the iPod was drained. I've been having trouble with it since I switched out the used-so-long the wires are-exposed connection. is it the wire, or the Pod, or--why would the power drain? I turned the key, and--the battery was dead. Again!
So I called Larry's, the place that I gave a 5-star Yelp review to after last time. Larry, or whoever runs and/or owns the place, turned up in some mid-80s "luxury car," aka "a tank." He said "Is that your radio playing?" He got in and said "Your lights are bright...hmm. Try turning it over." I did, and the car didn't. He was genuinely puzzled. He checked the battery, which was fine, but gave it a jump anyway. I turned the key and said "OH MY GOD! I...think I just figured it out!" And I used the fucking electronic fucking deadbolt that I have to disable every fucking time I use the fucking car. Distracted by the iPod, I'd forgotten to, and I literally face-palmed.
Not. Embarassing. At All.
The avuncular Larry Guy tried not to laugh. "Hey, it happens! We can remove those beep-beep things." (He twice referred to the deadbolt as the "beep-beep thing," and said how much he hated them)
I said as he left, "Should I follow you back? How much do I owe you?" He laughed and said "Nothing! We take care of you guys."
Can you give 6 stars on Yelp?
I got the recall on my Honda's airbags done. Again! Somehow I ended up with it having to be done twice, because some of the first ones had the defective bags replaced with defectvie bags. I'm not sure how they knew this. (KYOTO HONDA FACTORY: "Sakamoto! The airbags you sent to the USA--did you take them from the box marked 'BAD BAGS' or the one marked 'GOOD'?!" Sakamoto: "....Goooood?" [quits during lunch break])
At first I thought it was a clerical error, but Honda assured me that I was "one of 685 cars worldwide affected." I can buy a Powerball ticket, but this is the lottery I win.
It was free. I sat there with my Kindle. I can't see without glasses, but I can barely read with them if I'm reading anything close to my face. ("The World Without Us," if you're curious) I glanced up every 5 minutes or so, as Kindle kinda doesn't like my eyeballs. Every time I did, there was a women with her back to me, but her face staring right at me. Why? Got me. I couldn't see. She was wearing glasses, so you think that'd be a thing she understood. Around the 3rd time, I thought maybe she worked at Stop & Shop, just not enough that we ever talked? Like 9 months ago? I'll never know. She got up after 15 minutes and left. Strange.
Strange: I stocked up on food at S&S literally one dang hour before went on strike. I almost wish I'd stayed at that awful job, just so I could go on strike.
When my car was finished, I had to dash across 4 lanes of traffic on the busiest road in town to get home. I saw the leading edge of the traffic island exactly late enough to slam into it and think "Please tires, don't burst." I got home, checked the tires, knew I had enough air to maybe make it to Larry's Auto a mile away, hit every light for the maximum amount of time, and did just barely make it. So, a 3rd visit there in a month because I'm stupid, and another $139. Just the tire. They didn't charge me labor! I wonder if this is because I left a good Yelp review, or this is just how they do business. (They've been in business 40 years, and Yelp has only existed for 39 years, so I guess both)
Sick burns from History
Speaking of history--it's retro time!
Is this the best 80s music video ever made? Possibly, there was nothing in the redacted report to say that it isn't! It does not say if the guy has more than 2 arms, not anywhere, okay, so it does, there, and there, and...NO! We'll just keep saying he has 2 arms, and you'll believe it!
Okay, not sure why that suddenly stopped playing...the url is here. Also, that is exactly how I dance at weddings.
A certain redacted report made me think of The Blurb Racket. I once saw a movie poster that gave enthusiastic quotes from both Siskel and Ebert. I said "I saw that review! They HATED this movie!" The movie company just redacted what they didn't want people to hear about it. S&E even did a segment on it.
Which I couldn't find, despite relentlessly searching all the way through the first Google results. I did find what, to me, is a great nostalgia fest. A whole trove of their "Worst Movies Of..." programs. Movies you've never heard of, movies you probably have. These guys were never funnier than when they argued whether something was good or bad, or when they agreed "THIS SUCKS!"
I like how the end of the first one, there's a brief, incredulous mention that Eddie Murphy and Dudley Moore could make a bad movie. Oh, to be so young and innocent...
Of course, Redactoachella isn't over. I have to admit that the fake idea of Fake News is brilliant in its evil. As the saying goes, there are 2 ways to be stupid: Believe everything you hear, or disbelieve everything you hear. Trump found a third way: Believe everything he says, and call the rest fake news. He could've solved his whole Wall Crisis just by saying "We built it, it's done, because we built it until it was done!" and his followers would just nod into their Coors. So I bet they'll do what they've done, alternate between "witch hunt" and "Exonerated, no collusion delusion, no obstruction dysfunction!"
What they should do is just move on and hope that everyone forgets. But Mr Twitchy Twitter Fingers won't. He's going to be like a guy who puts laundry detergent into the dishwasher, and when it floods the kitchen with bubbles, tries to stop the flood by pouring gasoline on the dishwasher and lighting it, and then when the fire spreads to the house, tries to put the house fire out by ramming the house with his car, and when his defective Honda airbag inflates so explosively that it throws him through the back windshield, and he flies a mile and a half, goes through an electric fence and lands in the pig farm, stands up in the sty, wipes the mud from his eyes, licks his lips and says "Oh, that's pig shit alright, doesn't taste like dogshit at all," and then he says "I know exactly who made the mistake here. Time for me to sue the guy who invented dishwashers!"
"Then I will start my next most successful business ever out of all my great bankruptcies," (holds up something deep-fried on a stick) "CORN DOG SHITS!" (begins chewing and nodding) "Now THIS is dogshit!" (keeps chewing) "Wait...do I like eating shit? Too late to back down now!" (also eats the stick)
"Pics or it didn't happen!" But the pics from my sister's phone came out as gibberish code, like
ˇōˇŠ7dExifII* ņ‹™≤ńŐ(1‘2‚iáŲ%ąō&samsungSAMSUNG-SM-G935AHHG935AUCS9CSB12019:04:21 16:20:31öāpĚāx"ą'ą»ź0220źÄźĒĎí ®íįí łí ņí»íí í í–|íbXÜítō 0100 ņ ‹ ļĘ£§§§§ §L<™d2019:04:21 16:20:312019:04:21 16:20:31ŤôdÜd ôd§dASCII JKJK'|ňŻfŻŮÕ≤SSÄįćł®HFíń&>ˇˇHżˇˇŇˇˇļD'ŲˇˇĺOˇˇ&§aUaUaUaUP`3aUqUqfafafafafafa"
Yeah, let me get that pic framed.
This is really because I don't know to use these new-fangled "no-telegraph Morse code Edison-mabobs," and being old, have little desire to. So...Guess it didn't happen.
The Ponytail Eternal was now one big knot. I tried teasing out, with a fucking pencil, because it was as thick as a Viking helmet. This led to one of 2 results: Lots of hair coming out with the knots, or the deknotted result looking like some bouffed-out afro puff.
So I got it cut off.
It was Easter, and haircuts are FREE! when you have a sister who loves to do them and is a registered hairdresser, and yes, I could've had my hair cut for free most of my adult life. But I liked the tail. We'd spent 26 years together! But it got as matted as a feral cat's fur over just the course of 6 months. I heard "Wash your hair every day, but don't shampoo if it doesn't need it," so I only did it on work days. Then, I didn't work anymore, so you can guess how that worked out. Sister Pat: "You don't need shampoo every day. But you need conditioner."
My ponytail was once 2 feet long and wide as a 1950s tie. But the Knot swallowed it. It looked like I was some Aquaman character, with the back of my head covered with a horseshoe crab that was sucking all my hair into itself. My tail was a foot long and a scraggly inch wide. I remembered when it was still growing 25 years ago, and saw a guy with what I immediately classified as "the ultimate Denial Do." He was as bald as a Shaolin monk over all of his head, except for his ponytail. You old enough to remember 80s rat-tails? It was less impressive than those. It was the thickness of a Number 2 pencil, but 2 feet long, and moussed to the point that it looked like a pencil. It stuck straight out, parallel to the ground in a way that might actually work as evidence for the Flat Earth. Then, in the last 2 inches, drooped down. No doubt it stuck out like a...a...I don't know. I should call David Attenborough and ask "What's that animal with a toothpick dick that's all droopy at the business end?" but he never answers my calls. I stared at his hair's trained eathworm, and said "If my tail ever looks like that, it's gone!"
After Easter brunch, and if you have any homeless friends, Jeez, I have no idea how much food my family throws out at these events. There were 9 people, and enough for twice that amount. "Bill, you want some bagels? We have like 12 left over." "Sure," I shrugged. He plopped down an obviously heavy bag. Did he give skinny me all 12? At home, I found that No, it was only half that, plus some gourmet cream cheese and a big plate of mac & cheese! I suppose I'll get my American citizenship taken away, but I hate mac & cheese. Why he gave it to me, who has never eaten any at any family gathering, is a mystery. And when I say "at home," it was 18 hours later, just wrapped on a paper plate with foil at room temperature. yeah. I'm eatin' that. I hate mac & cheese, but I sure love salmonella!
Sister Pat and I went to her house--already set up for haircuts, as 2 of her sons were at Easter--and did her best. She got the tail off, three blind mice style, and said "Yeah. We need to go my salon, and goop this up with conditioner."
Lucky it was Easter and they were closed! It took almost two hours for her to get that knot out. When I walked in and saw myself in the mirror, I said "It's like I have a man bun without a bun!" My hair was in the exact shape it had been with the ponytail holder in. Then I took a look at what she'd done up till then and said "THAT'S a good look! 'Marty, we need to go back in Time!'"
She took pictures to send my Mom, who was never a fan of my long hair. I asked her to send them to me.
Obvious Plant Products
What is with this weird new Cracked censoring thing? "F**k," sure whatever. But there've been 3 articles since Saturday that changed "h**o". In one, it's homosexual. Saturday, it was "h**o sapiens" and "h**ogeneous," which even isn't pronounced that way. I really had to think hard as to why in this article it's spelled "sus**cious". I mean, "pi"? Ohhh.riiighht... This is the type of stupid thing Cracked would usually make fun of. If you're offended by "cons**cuous", you're reading the wrong website. There was another article about "Stars who hated on their fans," that had some sportsball coach use "an f-bomb every 3.8 seconds," which it quoted in full. Weird: it edited "f**cking", but not the first word in his diatribe, which was "FUCK." This brilliant Skynet tech can be defeated by ALL CAPS.
They seem to have fixed it, if today's lack of "s**cy" is any clue. If I'd seen that, I think that I'd still be wondering what they were censoring, because in context, my brain easily could've decided it was "saucy," not "spicy."
MST3K has a number of antecedents. People have been making fun of bad media since media was invented, but I think the 1966 "movie" What's Up Tiger Lily? would be a true progenitor. It took an existing Japanese 007 rip and redubbed it with goofy dialog. I'd guess it's true parent was 1982's It Came from Hollywood. It was some TV stars making fun of bad movies, complete with little skits between them.
One I'd forgotten about until just now is 1979's J-Men Forever. A couple of Firesign Theater guys took a bunch of RKO serials, mashed them together, and redubbed them. So it's the Tiktaalik in this evolutionary chain.
I thought it was funny! Although I watched it as intended, Very f**king Stoned. The first 10 minutes isn't in the best of shape, as it's taped directly onto VHS from basic cable. But it quickly improves. I would say it was taped within a week before 22 February 1985 . Friday the 15th, Sat 16th, or Fri 22nd. As--and here's the best part--that's when the Jeff Godblum movie Into the Night hit theaters. It doesn't just have all the ads, it was recorded from USA's Night Flight! With announcer Pat Prescott! And the ads, outside of that Goldblum one, aren't repeated. And are so 1985.
So take your favored muscle relaxant and watch it. Added bonus: it includes Lance and LINDA from Manhunt on Mystery Island, in the amazing cliffside enema scene. (don't worry; she's okay)
Blond lady, I said, "DON'T WORRY"!
I finally watched a movie I'd put off seeing for decades, Breakfast at Tiffany's. I'd always heard that it was a very good movie, except for That One Thing. Which certainly isn't Audrey Hepburn, as charming as possible here. Or George "future A-Team guy" Peppard as her love interest. Or the fact that, in 1961, they're both sex workers. (Although the male-female pay gap is evident--Audrey's always trying make ends meet, and George gets the modern equivalent of $2500 making ends with his meat) And it's certainly not the cat, Cat! A big orange meatloaf himself.
If you have seen the movie, or like me, avoided it because you heard about That One Thing, you know it's Audrey's neighbor. He's Japanese!
Actually, he's Mickey Rooney, and about as Japanese as Irish soda bread washed down with whiskey. In 1961, Hollywood had just gotten over blackface, but they still had yellowface. And redface for native Americans, and the same day as I watched this movie, I read an overview of West Side Story. Puerto Rican Rita Moreno, playing a Puerto Rican, had to wear brownface to make her look more Puerto Rican.
If you look at that picture, he's got a kerosene heater. Because he's Japanese! And he has giant Coke-bottle glasses and fucking bubba teeth, and, as one might guess from his facial expression, all the calmness that the Japanese are noted for. Also his accent is "So solly, Amelican! YOU DIE YANKEE DOG BANZAAAIII!" Also, the character's entire personality. He sleeps on a tatami mat (He's Japanese!) with a paper lantern (He's Japanese!) hung 6 inches from his face, so he hits it every time he sits up. I myself sleep with a metal desk lamp on my chest, so that it may bash me in the lips if I move. Also, when he hits that paper lamp--and it happens twice--he acts like the pinata is made of fucking cement.
I really wanted to see if his character was essential to the movie. He's in it not 5 minutes, and every time it's to complain that Audrey's having a loud party. The first 2 times, it affects nothing. The 3rd, he calls the cops. Audrey and Hannibal look out the window, expecting Mr T jumping a van, and see the cops arrive. They sneak out without incident. Mr Tojo has no relevance to the plot at all. Audrey could've said "My neighbors must have called the cops!" it would've served the exact same story purpose. If a character can literally be reduced to 7 words of throwaway dilaog, why's he in the script at all? LORD OF THE RINGS, Frodo: "Wow, this Sauron is a real asshole!" (MOVIE ENDS)
The director is to blame, not Rooney. He's Blake Edwards, best known for directing the Pink Panther movies and then, tragically, directing more Pink Panther movies. He tends towards slapstick. I guess he thought this was funny. I wonder if author Truman Capoat did. (In the trailer, his name is pronounced like it rhymes with "goat")
I tried to think "Wasn't there a movie that I liked Mickey Rooney in?" It took a while, but yes there was. He was Nelson "Stubby Index Finger" Stool in Evil Roy Slade. This was a TV movie that was a comedy Western, and sort of a G-rated Blazing Saddles--and came out two years before the Mel Brooks movie did. So if anybody ripped off someone else, it wasn't Evil Roy Slade.
Who is evil, nasty, and greedy, and played by John Astin. If anyone can play a hilarious and lovable sociopath, it's the actor who was Gomez Addams. I thought that this was the funniest movie I'd ever seen in 1972. Watching it again, I still LOL'd. It does a very tricky bit of comedy, the Callback. Make a funny joke, then half an hour later, refer back to it in a way that builds the joke, and it's even funnier.
Nothing's more personal that humor. If you aren't laughing before the opening credits, maybe pass. Maybe sit aound the campfire, singin' that song about the Stubby Index Finger.
Modern "Beauty" Products. All of these look like something that if the 15th century had plastic, would be used in conversations that were largely "CONFESS YOU ARE A WITCH!"
The Vernon Historical Society had its annual book sale. I bought 5 50c CDs of new agey stuff, and a couple of DVDs. Ones that I'd rented so much that I might as well buy them for $2. One was Looney Tunes: Back in Action, which is really funny on the surface, and every time I see it, I find a new easter egg. (One I got the 2nd time around: a shot in Paris that includes Toulouse-Lautrec with a naughty lady, and a Red Balloon) The other was basically the only good superhero movie before Marvel came along, X2, the 2nd X-Men movie. Superhero movies largely died with X3, the one where Magneto is just plain an asshole. He abandons Mystique?! Bullshit, call I! I think this quote I found sums that entire movie up nicely: "Some time later, on a road somewhere, a convoy is escorting a large truck somewhere." Yeah baby, what's memorable about that movie can best be summed up as "something somewhere. Truck, I guess?"
I finally saw "Avengers: The Big Hoopty-Doo". Because the internet now considers a movie that comes out on Friday something you can scream about on Monday. Saying "SPOILERS!" is a good warning, if you don't include any fucking spoiler in the article's headline. One I saw was "About So-&-so's ending," and it's a time travel movie, okay, I figured it out from that. If you've seen it, you probably know which character I'm talking about.
Well, HERE COMES A SPOILER! One NO ONE'S GIVEN AWAY YET! Buckle your socks, because here it comes! Better rip your own eyes out, Oedipus! HERE COMES THE SPOOOILER TRAAAAIN!
The Hulk is bi!!
Yes! Banner once had the hots for Black Widow, because who can blame him, right? ScarJo's my Chris Evans' ass! But now he's dating a male guy of the masculine kind! I know, it's not only unbelievable, it's Incredible! And unbelievable that Scott "Ant-man" Lang would turn down free food. I mean, he'd be asking for a doggie bag as soon as he's passed that enormous bowl of scrambled eggs.
Now that I've BLOWN YOUR MIND, "Avengers: It Needed Dinosaurs, Why's There Time Travel and No Dinosaurs" was...something somewhere. It existed. It was there. I had to use the "Reserved Seating" thing for the first time. I went on Discount Day, of course, but there was a fee of $1.70 to...c'mon, really? I pay extra to have a computer do what a human being could in the theater? Whatever, you truck somewhere. The Magic Rune of Scanning disappeared from my government cheese phone as soon as I got the register. I was alarmed that I was going to the 11:55 showing, and there was only an 11:45. She asked me for the credit card I used, said "Oh, here's a number! 101...Oh. This isn't for this theater. This is for Milford."
Ready to fight with my Captain America haircut, I said "WHA--" and stopped. "I know exactly what happened. What are my options?" Because Steve Rogers would first find an option that didn't involve fighting. There website must've gone not from their Manchester one, but from where my IP was. It thinks I live in New Haven. I've pointed this out before, but in New England, you have a distorted sense of distance. People love to whine about "How there's nothing to doooo here!" when they literally are a 2 hour drive from NYC and Boston, where things may be happening. "What am I going to do in Hartford? There's only 2 art cinemas and a symphony, and a world class art museum! Where's my NASCAR!?"
She said I could cancel my reservation at the theater on the Moon, and "There's plenty of seats available!" Which...was the whole reason I used the stupid reservation thing anyway. I used my cheesephone to cancel---with 4 minutes to spare!--and got a seat dead center, but about one row closer than I would've liked. Poor me!
And that was about the most exciting thing about the movie. Really, it was a truck going somewhere. It was always entertaining, never too confusing despite the epic juggling of plots and characters. SPOILER IN YOUR PANTS: Everybody comes back. Except the ones that don't (except one who sure will). I was expecting the usual Marvel comics trope of "Everything goes so back to normal that no one notices" but no, that ain't happening. It'll be interesting to see if this is just ignored, or addressed. I'm going with the former, because holy shit does it raise so many questions.
In summation, wait to rent it. Or don't pay $1.70 extra.
Failed Airlines That Were Too Weird for This World
And now, ALL "THE AVENGERS: TOILET IS NOT FLUSHING" spoilers!!
THOR GETS KILLED BY A GRUE AND DIES OF DYSENTRY
CAPTAIN AMERICAS DISCOVERS WHITE CASTLE AND JUST EATS BURGER THE WHOLE OF MOVIE unless that was captain marvel, too many captains for one movie. unless that was the "captain of crunch"
ANT-MAN BECOMES A BEE, IT WAS HORRIBLE
SPIDER-MAN IS TOLD BY THANOS THAT "I AM YOUR FATHER" AND SPIDER-MAN IS "NO WAY JOSE" AND THANOS IS ALL "GO TO HELLS, YOU SO ARE" AND PETER SAYS "SAY IT DONT SPRAY IT" AND IT JUST KEEPS GONG ON and this is why the movie is 3 hours long
Black Widow eats a bite of a peanut butter sandwich and is criticized by Tony for getting fat.
THANOS SO EVIL IT WAS HIM THAT MADE THE SANS COMIC--SO VERY COMIC!
THANOS SO EVIL, HE MAKE YOU THINK THOR DARK WORLD DIDNT FUCKING SUCK
THANOS IS KILLED BY EATING TOO MANY CHERRIES WITH MILK, OR IS THAT PRESIDENT ZACHERY TAYLOR? Man I get those guys confused
Someone mentioned on Facebook the 1940s comic book version of Frankenstein. It started as a straight horror story. In one, Frankenstein (that's his name, not "the Monster") goes to Nazi Germany and joins the Gestapo. Enjoy your upcoming nightmares! Then, he got his own comic, and it abruptly became a humor strip. And it is BIZARRE. It's funny, which is not a thing you expect from something 70 years old. Given how things were back then, it looks like the artist/writer just started with an idea, and ran with it until he said "I made my page count," and then it just ends. We see Frankenstein fall asleep reading about Noah's Ark, so you know that it'll end with "It was just a dream!" But it doesn't. The artist just goes through every stream of consciousness / non sequitur / "I smoked too many jazz cigarettes" options and bang, done. Despite this being the only Noah story that involves the Ark being sunk by a Nazi U-boat and a hideous aberration against God's creation trying to stop a volcano from erupting by taking a shit in it.
Yes, that sentence is correct. Also, BEEN DONE BEFORE. That's so ripped off from an episode of "Friends."
The horror roots still show. I wonder what I would've thought as an Addams Family kid when the "Wax Museum" trope is used, and the coed from the college newspaper gets murdered and then her waxed statue breaks open and her dessicated corpse breaks through. (No, I don't wonder. I would've never read a comic book again) But that's an exception. It's weird and funny, but always WEIRD, and the stories rarely go where you think they would, because the artist sure as hell didn't know.
Avengers spoiler memes They're not all funny, and...if you haven't seen the movie, don't read them. Man, you do NOT want to know who eats the other half of the peanut butter sandwich! (It's Ant-man--OH GODDAMIT I RUINED THE MOVIE)
I saw that other spectacular space movie, 2001. The only movie that everyone hates until they get spoilers. (The Monolith is a toaster, and everyone gets free Hot Pockets!) It's a movie I watch with my jaw dropped every time. It's set in some weird alternate universe where the USA decided that spending all our tax money not dropping bombs might be a good idea. Cray-cray, right?!
I've seen this in theaters enough to know that everyone laughs at the jokes! All 2 of them. 3, if you think Pan Am would be a thing in 2001 (or past the 70s). One, of course, are the instructions for the Zero Gravity Toilet. The other one that always got a laugh--okay, four jokes if you thought "Ma Bell" would have that logo, or exist--is the phone call from Dr Brown to his 5 year old daughter. Everyone laughed when we saw that this phone call--from lunar orbit--cost an astonishing $1.70! Ha ha, phone calls cost a dime! Maybe someday, a whole quarter! I checked and $1.70 in 1967 is $12.93 today. You'd shrug that off in roaming charges. And you're not roaming from the fucking Moon.
Thing I never noticed before: Why is there so much eating? I used to think "Oh, they're on the Moon, but they complain about sandwiches because the Moon is their new normal." I gradually got, over my literal decades of watching this film, that when the monkeymen discover tools, the first thing they do is kill something for food. The next thing they do, is to kill some other monkeymen over a dirty waterhole. Then, monkeyman throws his bone weapon to the sky and it becomes an orbiting nuclear weapons platform (spoiler?). Now, the monkeymen are the USA and the USSR, fighting over another dirty waterhole, the Moon. Now, it's just...Man, there's a lot of eating in this movie! Obviously, you need to eat to survive, so...I guess we're fighting over the same damn shit? Even nearing Jupiter? Maybe the villain (his name is the THAL-NOS 9000) could be beaten by stuffing a ham sandwich in his drive? It's 2001, so I guess it's a CD-ROM drive, although you might get a slice of American cheese in if it had a 3.5 inch floppy.
I resisted joining Facebook. I quit it maybe twice, back when everyone was joining it. Now I'm there, as everyone but Trumpers over 65 and Russian bots leaves.
I joined a handful of Groups. I'm currently on 5. I joined and gave up on bunch. There was the "weird record covers" group that posted the exact same pictures from the first results of Google image search every day, always including "I Like To Blow," which was a bad and obvious Photoshop. And the strange films page, which was divided into thirds: the exact same movies (Eraserhead, Santa Sangre), long forgotten if they were ever remembered DTV no-budget horror movies, and "Here's a movie I saw!" (Someone posted The Last Detail. "How's that weird in any sense?" asked someone. "Well," said the poster, "it was weird when it came out!" Response: "IT WON 3 OSCARS!" I quit when I thought "They'll post Dirty Dancing next," and someone posted a rom-com that was aimed at the same audience) Something called "Rude Comics," which changed its name to "Comics, MOTHERFUCKER!" and was probably quite funny to 13 year old boys.
I was prodded by MotherZucker to join "Cat for Love." As you might guess from the name, English is not its first language. It has 300K members. Oh, cute cat pics, from all over the world! Uusally.
It's mainly from Asian countries, such as India or Malaysia. There's only so long you can read "Why is my Cat sick?" and answer "Take him to the vet!" before you realize that maybe people in some countries can't afford to. Or they've so many people, emergency visits have long waiting lists. Maybe moving to the front of the queue requires a bribe. The group's diagnosis might be the only thing people can do.
You see a lot of sick cats. Which leads to seeing lots of dead cats. Usually, "Here's my favorite picture." Sometimes, "Here's her cold dead body." I'm not going to judge other cultures' ways.
Most of it was harmless pics of cute cats. But 300K members and not enough admins, there will be shitposting. One pic I didn't see was caught by FB itself. The image text read "May contain picture of a dead animal." The post itself: "Here is a cat crushed by a cow." Even without an image, I had no interest in investigating that further. I glanced at a comment that said "WHO POSTS SHIT LIKE THIS?! BAN THEM!!!"
A recent one had a video of an all-white cat, which caught my eye. Also the fact that a gloved hand was removing a tick from her cheek with tweezers. I watched because the cat wasn't flinching. And the tick came out...and out...and OUT...Imagine your head is proportionately the size of a cat's. Put your thumb by your cheek. That's how big this black, scaly, slimy horror was getting pulled from her. It was titled "botfly larvae removal". If that's the size of the larvae, how the fuck big are the flies? Like pigeons? It was only a few seconds, and I thought "Well, the cat seems okay--" and then ANOTHER one started to get pulled from a kitten. There were 4 minutes left to the video! Oh hell I bailed. Who posts shit like this?
I must've seen that in some 3AM insomnia episode, because my brain deleted it. And then yesterday, some kind soul posted it again. I'd forgotten it before, but even after seeing just enough to remember "The white cat one" I think I may never scrub it from my brain. But I did scrub that group from my feed.
This sounds short from the title, but it's actually very long, starting in the early 1800s: "The Last Temptation: How evangelicals, once culturally confident, became an anxious minority seeking political protection from the least traditionally religious president in living memory." Fascinating in you'e into American religious history. It shows the progression from the "Postmillenialists" who believed Christ would return after humanity proved it was worthy with a thousand years of peace. They were replaced with the Premillenialists, who think Jesus will come after the world becomes a thousand times worse, and send them to Heaven while killing everyone they don't like. So, fuck all the shit up! No wonder they love Trump. He's better than a red calf born in Jerusalem!
Smelliest Customer Ever. Yeah, I wasn't there, but I don't know about that. Back in the toy store 30+ years ago, every Xmas the Polish-American Club would come in to buy toys for their wonderful party for poor children. They'd drop $1500 minimum, which was actual money back then. Always 3 guys would come in, 2 who talked, and one who didn't. Who was easily 450 pounds, had a bloated nose that looked like it was either going to fall off his face or explode like a cherry bomb. The literal second they walked in the door, every employee and other customer involuntarily looked at their shoes. He literally smelled like dog shit. And they'd be in the store for an hour. I can only imagine what it was like to be in a car in December with him.
Can't have abortions past 6 weeks? Here's my idea! At 6 weeks, the father has to pay child support until the kid is 18. Hey, it's not her fault he didn't wear a condom!
Apparently this new law is impacting tourism down there. I have an idea for that as well!
"Visit the new Six Flags Over Alabama park! One flag is a Confederate flag, one is the Nazi flag, one is a white flag for surrender, and one is a pit-stained Kid Rock tshirt on a stick because the government there thinks that's a 'flag,' and there are 6 more random ones, because they just kept a-counting until they just runned plain outta fingers. Make sure to visit the pig troughs! It's called 'OUR SENATE'."
Via Kirk, Fire: The Next Sharp Stick?
The Old News