"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."
Jump to the Newest of the
It's been a while, and I'm unmotivated to update (obviously), so...Read it over the next few days. Lots of piled-up links and vids at the end.
"You wanna squirt?"
Not a phrase one normally hears in public, or private, so I was confused. It was at the local April booksale, being held in July, and it was said by an ancient man by the door with hand sanitizer. Later on I heard one of other retirees say "Squirter?! Where's our squirter?!" followed by "He's on break!" If he was a teenage boy, he'd probably use his break to squirt.
I bought 1 book, a slab by the Uncle John's reader series about history ($1), and 9 CDs for 50c each. My total was $6, so, as usual, I was overcharged. These old ladies can't do the new math. I didn't care, obviously. Not that you care, but the prize scores were Greatest Hits collections by Massive Attack, which sounds like a metal group but are actually electronica produced by a Mr Eno, and the Four Tops. I had to think "Didn't I grab this from the library?" before I realized that I don't have "Sugar Pie Honeybunch" or "Bernadette." The latter is a song about how much it sucks to have a smokin' hot girlfriend. I've only been mistaken as a guy with one when I'm with Jessica, and all I can say it doesn't suck, but sometimes other's reactions can get weird.
I've read A Word a Day for at least 20 years. It's as advertised, a word a day usually with a week-long theme, with a pithy quote at the end, and a very liberal attitude.
Last week started with redshirt, which is not what you immediately thought. "A college athlete who practices with the team, but does not take part in official games." I responded with, of course:
Anatomy Of A COVID-19 Conspiracy Theory. I commented:
Really Expensive Accidents And Mistakes
Ways To Stay Motivated In This Shit-Shellacked Era Of Epic Stupid
Saying Aliens Built Ancient Monuments Isn't Only Crazy, It's Racist. Back in the early 70s, the big best seller on the "non"-fiction charts was Erich von Daniken's "In Search of Ancient Astronauts." I saw a half-hour TV show about it, and if they wanted me to buy the book, it worked. A third of the way through, I was "This is the REAL TRUTH!" Two thirds through I was "This is garbage!" It was the second thing that made me a "show the science" skeptic. Forget proof, where's your evidence? His theory was that every giant monument from the Pyramids to the Nazca lines to the Easter Island heads was made by Aliens! (But not Stonehenge, that was made by white people) Every myth, legend, and religion was really some dopey native misinterpreting the Aliens! (Except the bible, that was made by white people) That's the point where I noticed the way he thought--only White People can build things without Alien aid. (Did I mention he was German, and raised in a time when the country's government was, umm, let's say "not optimal for non-racism"?
What really ended it for me was the photo section in the middle. I don't think there were captions, just listings of what page it was referenced on. Look, here's an Aztec carving that looks like a guy in a space suit in a space capsule! One said that a carving was clearly an Apache helicopter gunship. I flipped back to look at it, and...if a little kid did it, and the kid told you it was a helicopter, just like that 3-eyed, 5-legged Cubist nightmare they scrawled was the family dog...Sure. It hit me: "So the Aliens travelled untold trillions of miles, using a technology that current physics says will not exist unless they want the trip to take millions of years, came to Earth and...flew around in helicopters? They kept helicopters in their flying saucers? 1960s American helicopters?"
Next was what was obviously a 3 foot wide, 6 foot deep hole made when the UFO blasted off, melting a hole in the solid rock! I looked at that one, and said "That isn't melted. That was dug." And he knew exactly how the UFOs propulsion system worked, right down to the exhaust pipe? Maybe that's a thing you could share with the rest of the class. He said "And to this day, the primitive desert tribesmen of Iraq use use these as refrigerators, placing a rock cover over them to trap the cool desert night air!" Maybe because--THAT'S WHY THEY MADE THEM? I read Newsweek religiously, and I knew calling Iraq "primitive" was like saying "Here, the simple barbaric people of northern France drive the Renaults the Aliens gave them!" Never finished the book.
My copy's long gone. But if you want to read it, 50 years later it's still in print. And also called The History Channel.
The Strange World Of Sparks. Fans will love the interview, non-fans have a lot of videos to help them become fans.
To be honest, the actor playing Dolly is not that great. They kind of rush through the last half, maybe because the reopening had begun. And if you've never seen the original,1) it will make less than no sense, and 2) what freak hasn't seen the original?! Are you some kinda FREAK, you freak?!
Never thought I would tear up at a Godzilla scene.
You work in a giant corporate office. The global company's so vast, you're not exactly sure about what every part does. They've got tentacles reaching everywhere.
There's a new worker in your section. Diligent and focused, but terrible with technology. You make a joke about sending a clueless old client a fax as a text, and he looks at you blankly and asks "What's a fax? Or a text?" like some retard. He's good at what he can do, and he's a big handsome guy so he keeps the ladies from getting in your hair. You're a bit jealous, though you'd never admit it to yourself. You've started to find ways to bring this quiet guy who never talks about his past down a peg.
You walk to his cubicle. You say, deliberately loudly so anyone can hear, "Hey, Steve! Every time I come here, there's that old pizza box! When you gonna throw that shit out?"
He says, jokingly, "Every time I throw it, it comes right back!"
"Yeah, well, the next time I come back I don't want to see it. You know what we say here, Steve!"
"You say lots of things here. Is it...'Work smarter, not harder'? Again?"
"Nah, 'A Clean Workspace Means a Clean Mind.'" You take a sip of your coffee, adjust your MAGA hat, and walk away. Steve mumbles something.
You turn. "Did you say something, Rogers?"
"Yeah. I said 'You say a lot of things here'. Like--" he reaches for the pizza box and answers in a loud whisper--"Hail Hydra."
You run down the hall screaming "CODE RED! CODE RED! CODE--" ka-RRANG something hits you in the back of the head.
Just before you lose consciousness, you see a ripped pizza box flying a few yards ahead. Rogers steps over you and says "21st century, and I'm still fighting fascists. This is why I got a job in Portland." The last thing you smell is the daily tear gas attack from outside...
See? This is what happens when you don't update for a month, but keep writing and saving links. It just gets outdated, and you end up throwing most of it out like moldy cheese. Fascist stormtroopers pounding Americans for a month? Who cares? 170,000 dead because Jared thought the plague would only kill blue states? Whatever. What's on the teevee? I has toilet papers again!!
I'm trying to sell my stock in Webster Bank. HOOTERS is open, but the bank lobby isn't, WTF. I tried to make an appointment with a teller who had absolutely had no comprehension of what "I want to sell my Webtser stock" meant. "We don't cut the dividend checks here, they're from a third party." "No, I want to sell my shares." "We don't cut the dividend checks here, they're from a third party." This went on for 5 minutes. (My quarterly check should have been here a month ago, but Trump Hate Bad USPS, so maybe they're getting this a lot)
I got a call back from a financial guy. "Things are crazy because of the storm!" I thought, what? The storm with a 6-letter, 4-syllable name? My computer rebooted 3 times, big deal. Then I left the house to buy cat food...
...at my job. They had power, but they were throwing everything into shopping carts. They have a generator, but only powerful enough to run the lights and registers. I figured they were rushing the carts to refrigerated trucks. They were not, They were rushing to the dumpsters.
Great feeling to know that all your work for 6 months is going to a landfill.
So, yeah, kinda busy in the frozen dept for the last week. 3 people to restock a whole dept. Well, maybe 3 people. The dairy manager kinda sucked, so his last day was exactly when the power went off. His last words: "Not my problem." So the frozen manager is also dairy, there's part-time me, and a guy who works when it suits him. On the plus side, he had asked for 3 personal days before this, and they let him take it. Most places would demand he forfeit them. (He also called out sick the day before they were to start, whevs) We had extra help, but they cut that off because we were catching up fast, so they just let us 3--2.5? 1.5?--people do it. Stop&Shop would've been screaming at us. We had managers walking through and saying "You guys are doing amazing!" and they clearly meant it.
The Great Captain Planet/Hitler Face-off of 1995
Got my COVID haircut last month. Sister Patty, who'd been working 60 hour weeks since reopening a month ago, asked "How do you want it?" I said "Assume I won't get another for 6 months." I think it's the shortest my hair's been since middle school, when we had that one terrible president. Thank Gourd we'd never have another one as bad as Nixon!
My hair had gone from "Winter Soldier" to more of
"MY NAME IS KAREN AND I WANT TO SEE YOUR MANAGER NOW! ATTACK THEM, MY HAIR!"
As CT is one of only 4 states with declining coronavirus cases, I think it's time I did my part!
WE CAN CATCH UP TO FLORIDA AND TEXAS! CT, STOP WEARING MASKS!
Notice how that when you wear a mask, people can't see your nose? This is the REAL threat. What if Harry Potter sees you and thinks you're Voldemort? He'd yell all "CAVEAT EMPTOR ERGO PROC HOC LASAGNA" and spell you to death.
That would be another old one. Today I might say about those bikers in Sturges--guys so manly they don't wear masks, they don't even wear helmets as they squat on their 150MPH bicycles--that the first day's concert that they risked their and everyone around them's lives to see, was Smashmouth. Yeah, put that on my tombstone. "HEY NOW, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, YOU GOT COVID! All that intubulates is g-o-o-o-ld!"
Okay, not even sure why the following are here anymore. They were good enough when I was planning on writing this, so they must be good now!
You'll tear up at that one.
21 Ridiculous (and Seriously Problematic) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Figures of the '90s I only sold a few of these in my toy store days, but...they were memorable.
Something about kittens. Likely super cute! What, am I supposed to edit my own page?
The Conspiracy Singularity Has Arrived
Trailer for a movie about Pepe the Frog's unintentional de-evolution from comedy stoner to pro-Nazi symbol. Remember Richard Spencer at that "Many good people on both sides" Nazi rally that Trump praised and ended in murder? He pointed at his Pepe the Frog pin.
POW! HAHAHA! Best part: when he stands back up, he's crying. "You can't do that to the Ma-a-a-ster Ra-a-a-ce! sob" They never caught the puncher, but witnesses said his last name was "Rogers."
Okay, it's funny, but mainly here for the fact it sys "Connecticut" like 20 times.
Polydactyl: Cats With Extra Toe Beans To Worship
"It was all just a dream!" Disney Resetting Star Wars; Erasing Last Jedi. I tried twice to watch Rise of Shitlicker, and never will finish it. This is the Last Star Wars for me! (Until season 2 of Mandalorian comes out)
"Useless Facts, Badly Drawn": 33 Random Bits Of Trivia That Are Totally True
I'll try to post more often. I don't want you guys to think there's been another Sinkcident.
Byron managed to somehow stomp on my mouse and make the time/date stamp on the computer to go from one line to 3. I do not know how. It's irritating, my monitor's only 15 inches, so I need that space!
After a month, he stomped again and reset it to normal. Byron: He puts the IT in kitty!
This also made my mouse now go "DOODELY-DOOT" any time it went to the edge of the screen. So I guess I have to wait for more stomping.
DJ likes to be chased. So he provokes his older brother into doing this. Bigfoot Byron's 17 now, and I'll bet you LTRotD just felt more long-timey right now--so he doesn't always rise to the bait. He pretends he'll chase, then sits down when DJ falls for it and runs. I call DJ "Provokemon." "Pick-at-you Pick-at-chu Pick-at-chu!"
The grocery may not be able to get those Holy Grails of pandemic food (hash brown patties, Friendly's sherbert, and pre-cooked bacon, the STAPLES OF LIFE), but the Meat Dept has a four-foot row, top to bottom, of "chicken paws'. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED A GIANT PACK OF CHICKEN FEET FOR? Scaly, gross, gigantic feet with the toenails on? Does my town have a thriving Santeria community? Are chicken toenails now a food? WHY THESE FEET, why FOUR ROWS of HORROR TOOTSIES
The public restrooms in the store are literally as far from my department as they can be, assuming there isn't a Port-a-Potty on the roof. Every shift I get "Oh god no" looks from people when I say "It's by the front entrance. A-a-all the way back."
SHAWT: "Where are the bathrooms?"
ME: "By the front entrance."
"By the front entrance."
"By the fruits & veggies?!" (looks at the nearby fruit & veggies doors excitedly)
Yeah, drop your pants and shove your ass into that 10 below zero door and take a dump on the Birdseye. I'll make you clean it off, and I hope you like anal frostbite.
I was "blocking" (a weird task we do, that makes the dept look unshopped for the hour it takes before customers come through, then it looks like...customers came through, i.e. like shit, I'm kinda lost on why I have to spend 2 hours a shift doing this, but Life Is Absurdity is basically my only motto).
I was doing this and heard a loud, violent sneeze. I heard two more. I looked up to see a guy, about 3 feet from me, who had who had taken his mask off to sneeze. And not in his elbows. And then he talked to me about something, some product we didn't carry, and all I thought was "I gotta wait 2 weeks before I find out what this guy did or didn't give me." Luckily, the door was open between him and me, but who knows what was floating in the air by his gaping piehole.
I said I'd update more often because I didn't want you to think I'd had another Sinkcident. But I waited in a dropped-other-shoe way. I saw my Mom for the first time in 6 months! Masked and 10 feet apart, with me yelling "Air Hug!" without touching. I wanted to wait, because a few days later I was seeing Jessica for the first time in 7 months. But it rained up north, and we were meeting outside. In a graveyard, because Jessica. Maybe next week.
And then, a shoe didn't drop, a jackboot kicked me in the head! The Sinkcident came back!
It's been exactly a year since it ended. I got a phone message from my BIL. "You got a call from [inaudbile] Plaza!" Wha? I've only started using my sister as an emergency call number, and why would anybody call them before me? He left another equally confusing and garbled message, something about "Officer Palazzo" (sp?). This resulted in a total of 4 phone calls and 5 emails. It could've been covered by an email that read "The local police have a warrant for your arrest. Call them."
It was for Crime #53a-211, "Possession of a sawed-off shotgun or silencer." It of course was for the former. The reason I never turned it in was because of--well, all this. It's not for self-defense, it's either a murder weapon or for self-offense, ie suicide. I was told that if I turned myself in, this could move to the next stage. So I did.
There is no one in the lobby after you pass through the doors that close very loudly. No doubt when they lock, even remotely, they're fucking locked. I picked up the lobby phone to tell them what my issue was, and was told to wait. I read my Kindle (the sign said "No Cellphones" and it isn't one. It was that, or stare at their collection of old-timey handcuffs and batons that likely had bludgeoned someone to death. I would briefly glimpse, on my way to the Booking Basement, a case of what I assume were their most exotic weapons siezures: a pair of Thompson submachine guns. One a WWII model, and the other the iconic M1921 with the round magazine and front grip, seen in many a 1930s gangster movie, aka "the Meat Grinder.". I could've looked at those for a long time)
I only waited 10 minutes. I was frisked, quite thoroughly (crotch sides), my pockets emptied. Of my 2 sets of keys, I said "There's a small pocket knife on one of them," so he kept that.
Then, it was really just what you'd expect if you have never been arrested before and turned yourself in. Follow every direction, like "Sit down on this bench" which had giant metal loops on them, and what clearly were what they handcuffed you to. Then many questions. "Where do you work? Do you wear contacts? Where were you born? Do you have any gang affiliations? Do you have all your Original Teeth?" (huh?) Lots of very fast touch typing by the officer, while I just checked out the cinderblock-walled room. Why does their copying machine have a monitor? A sign that read "Have you Flushed the Holding Cell Toilet? MAYBE YOU SHOULD".
"What is the highest level of education you achieved?"
"Freshman year college."
"What was the school?"
He reacted to that. "I'm very familiar with them! Did you live in Ohio?"
"No, they just looked like a great school. I slacked my way through high school getting A's, but then I had to do real work. That's why it was only one year." I realized that I was breaking my "No small talk" rule, but he was amused.
The "copier" was a fingerprinting machine. You'd think this would mean 10 scans, 1 for each finger. But it's tips, rolled fingers, upper and lower palms, and the sides of your hands, so 26. "Don't move, let me do the work," but having someone else move your hands is weird. Pro tip: don't watch, you'll just start moving them.
And then a bunch of form signing. Not having been through this before, I kinda hoped this would end it, but in 6 weeks I have a court date. I was released on a $2500 non-surety bond, meaning I didn't pay anything, and wouldn't unless I was dumb enough not to show up for my trial. That could result in a year in prison and lotsa fines. The trial he said could lead to well, anything. If they decide to prosecute, prison time. If not, it could be "nolled" (pronounced "nollied"), where I just have to keep my nose clean for 13 months and I don't have a record. Since my last brush with the law not involving illegal firearms was a ticket for running a yellow light 12 years ago, I think I can do that. So I think I'll just close my meth lab down for a year. Or it could be dismissed, which is basically the same without the 13 months. My trial is 10/20.
I'm not super worried. Because I'M WHITE
How to defend genocidal dictators, serial killers, and other evil people with conservative FACTS and LOGIC
She WAS a Barbie Girl...
Man walks like he's in a video game. Funnier than it should be. Note that the other people act lke NPCs.
"VERILY, WE SHALL STAB THEE IN THE HEAD! LIKE 3 TIMES DUDE!" "Yeah, okay, sure. Whevs." Jess: "#20.....is that some kind of S&M advertisement?"
For you really, really, REALLY LTRotD: Fourteen Vilainous Brak Memes For The 'Space Ghost' Fans
Assuming that there is an election, and that he doesn't cancel it, and doesn't try to steal it, and Putin doesn't poison us all, Trump's clearly going to lose. And what will Mr "President until 2032" do then? When the Narcissist Fails should give you an idea. As for the USPS destroying, I got my latest Funny Times last week. But only the week before, I got September's! October's already? It was from June.
Either you get it or you don't:
I was annoyed that I can't use my garage, or even the parking lot outside my condo, for 10 days. Then I realized that they were finally addressing a problem we've had for the third of a century I've lived here: the garages flood after heavy rain. This has become a worse problem, thanks to global warming: We either get droughts, or massive storms. The ground is so dry, the lawn doesn't take in the water, it just goes into the garages. Their 2 brilliant strategies thus far: raising the pavement by the garage door by about an inch, which just keeps the water in. The other: long, ugly plastic tubes to direct the water away from the drain spouts, which doesn't do a dang thing. And they only put them in the front spouts, not the ones that lead into...the garages. This is like trying to bail out a flooding boat by drilling a hole in the bottom. There will be more heavy rains: we're only halfway through hurricane season, and they're running out of storm names. They're one away from switching to the letters of the Greek alphabet, which has happened this many times: none. (We now conclude the paragraph that has: too many colons)
The paving was supposed to be done tomorrow. It clearly won't, despite the massed crew of exactly 2 guys working on it. I asked one of them today, as he was just standing there and the other massed crew was checking his phone. He chuckled at the idea of it being done tomorrow. When? "shrug"
So I called the Condo Ass and left a message.Oddly, about 10 minutes later, they started working again, and 2 others turned up. Massed Workers Squared! Whenever they finish, it'll be a week before we can park anywhere near our houses. Because the pavement has to "cure." Like sausages? As they say, it's best not watch laws and sausages being made. Or asphalt.
Trump wins Bay of Pigs Award. "He got an endorsement in 2016 from the Bay of Pigs Veterans Association. It's not an award. He has a long history of turning endorsements and other non-awards into awards." Shit, I think he's earned an award! For being a pigheaded pig. Also, the Bay of Pigs Invasion went about as well as his presidency has.
Old-timey science fiction and fantasy writers thought that since Venus had clouds, it had swamps, and if it had swamps, it had dinosaurs. I'm unclear on the logic there ("Step One: Clouds. Step Two: ? Step Three: DI-NO-MA-SAURS!")
In reality, Venus smells like rotten eggs. Not that you'd get a chance to smell it. The atmosphere has the pressure of being at the floor of the ocean, so that you'd be crushed. Not that you'd feel it, because the surface temperature is 900 degrees F. Not that you'd burn, because that smell comes from the fact the air is made of sulphuric acid. Even the rain is acid. As Carl Sagan said, "Venus is Hell."
But...Scientists Detect Apparent Signature of Life in Venus's Atmosphere. Maybe, maybe not. The chemical detected, as far as can be observed on Earth, only comes from germ farts. "The signal in question is phosphine, which, on Earth, is produced almost exclusively by anaerobic microorganisms, that is, creatures that thrive in oxygen-free environments. This gas, annotated as PH3, is often found in marshes and wetlands and is highly flammable." See? SWAMPS! T. REXES!
I'd yesterday read an interview about global warming. Asked whether Earth could ever undergo the runaway warming that made Venus hell, the author only said "It's possible." Not "highly unlikely" or any other qualifer. So, we'll all die, but...we get ankylosaurs? I may be missing something here.
Kitten With Broken Jaw Saved Thanks To A Creative Use Of Buttons
Let's Talk About Death, Baby...in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Pretty clear at this point that I'll never finish watching that trash compactor of a movie (aka "What an interesting smell you've discovered!" also, "That's no moon! That's a GIANT TURD") I was putting ice cream away the other day, and case of Breyers chocolate/vanilla had Rise of Skywalker packaging. "Dark Side, Light Side," geddit? I thought it odd we'd get that now, and it turns out that their other packages had expiration dates of early 2022. This expires in a month. So, just hangin' round the factory, and they sent it out. We also have some ice cream sandwiches shaped like the Millenium Falcon. These do not sell. I'm not sure about the Star Wars branded hand sanitizers, but at least those have the sense to connect themselves to the Mandalorian. I do not know if we have Yoda-themed baby wipes, but it would make sense if we did.
Two great tastes that taste great together: Cyriak and Sparks.
If you've commented in the last month, you might want to check there. I didn't reply, because I didn't know anyone was commenting...
I had a work dream. These are usually stressful dreams, with the "job" being some amalgram of older jobs. Sure, it's a toy store, but we also have a walk-in beer cooler.
This one was actually set in my current job, complete with people that work there. Most of my dreams involve people I've never knowingly seen--even if cats are involved, they're not my cats. All I really remember was that a manager got suspended without pay. When I woke up, there was a message on my machine. "Can you come in for 3 or 4 hours? R. got suspended for 3 days." A prophetic dream! Why do they never include the winning Powerball numbers?
He's the 3rd-shift dairy guy. It was for a no-call/no-show. Jeez, dude, just call in and say you have a dry cough. I thought it was severe for a first offense. Anyone can get their schedule wrong once. I once almost did the opposite, a no-call/yes-show. I was putting on my work clothes and thought, "Wait, I don't work today!"
But it turned out he was doing all sorts of not-good. Going to lunch 15 minutes after clocking in, taking 2 lunches, slacking off, according to the security tapes. They can only tell that he took 2 lunches if he clocked out, so I don't see the problem. He wasn't getting paid for it. Big deal, I clocked out 15 minutes early on Weds. Because I had to work on my day off the day before. Another frozen guy got called in 2 hours early the same day (but still got 2 days off). The suspension was "You chose to take unpaid time off, so we're hitting you with 3 days of exactly what you wanted!" It's like the rest of the department got punished instead of him.
I'm supposed to go back to our agreed schedule, 4 days roughly 29 hours a week with 3 days off, when another coworker returns from 3 weeks off. He's in the Army and had to go build testing stations in the Virus-Hell states of the South. He has to quarantine in a tent for 2 weeks--but that could be a lot longer if he's diagnosed with it!
The next day, my dream was about paleontology. What was the reproductive cycle and mating rituals of a giant extinct terror bird? I found out when a live one suddenly came in the room, and used its beak to french kiss me. Fortunately, so far this has not been a prophetic dream.
Well, that's odd. The Newest had 5 hits in 45 minutes, from very different places than usually come here. No LTRotD, and certainly not The Fifteen (who are the same people--HI, The Fifteen LTRotD!). They were from Oregon, London, Tokyo, Rio. That's a lot of time zones for 45 minutes. My first thought was "Someone posted the InExOb again." But they were from "(No referring link)", whatever that means. "thoughtviper.com" is of course from the Newest link on the main page. (Although you don't have to go from there--here will lead you to the top of The Newest, and this will take you to the latest entry)
My statcounter used to show Google searches, but it doesn't now. So I Googled (actually, Bing-ed, in case I needed their superior image search) "thoughtviper.com". And saw "top video search for" this page. A...video? I couldn't make a Youtube if I sawed off a shotgun and put it into my mouth! (too soon?) And here it is:
Yep. That InExOb. It mentioned that a website said it was called the Bob Semple tank, "so that everyone knew who to blame." Which is my line, but it didn't identify me. I thought "Maybe in the comments for the Yube?" (all the kids today call it the Yube). Nope. So...how did it know it was me?
Just because of the BS tank? Which, face it, is what it shoulda been named. I still believe that I, and I alone, brought the BS tank back from obscurity. It was in a slab of a book I bought for like $5 about *EVERY* WW2 tank. When writing the original post, I Googled it (or, more likely as this was 20 years ago, Yahooed or or Alta Vistaed or AskJeevesed), and there was nothing but an acknowledgement that there once was a Semple, a man name o' Bob. For the next decade, the only pictures was of the one I used, complete with caption. Am I somehow that identified with the world's shittiest tank?
The video is entertaining, if long at 13 minutes. If it was narrated instead of text, it would've been less than half that length. But it has a lot of goofy pics and WTF Facts about Bob's Your Lousy Uncle. 12 feet tall! Couldn't put a cannon on it, because the recoil would cause it to fall apart! Crew of EIGHT! Neccessary equipment: A mattress.
So, the hits didn't come from there. I checked the InExOb for recent searches, and found nothing newer than one from 2012. Which I will link to, because it's the nicest review that old thing ever got. I got a chuckle from this line:"With the advent of the Internet, Bill was able to share his obsession with the world, along with a witty commentary rarely to be equalled. The website is simplistic in the manner you'd expect from its era, but this is joy that doesn't need to be muddied by frills and whistles (thank goodness, we are not treated to 8-bit Greensleeves)."
And then I finally figured it out. This has been happening for so long, I don't know why it wasn't my second thought: that one post I never deleted the hit counter from, New98 in 2009. In a sane world, you'd think it was because it started with DJ's homecoming! But, no, it's from when I was making mock of facsist cartoonist Chuck "Upchuck Asswipe" Asay, and a cartoon of his about Obama had me referencing the Völkischer Beobachter. This "news"paper was to the Nazis what Fox "News" is to the modern GOP. That must be why I suddenly got those 6 hits. They weren't for the page you're reading now at all. Just clowns who think Obama was the REAL Nazi.
Second dumbest phone scam ever: (robot voice) "You have a purchase of $799.99 on Amazon, on your checking account paid by your plastic card. If this is correct, do nothing. If this is wrong, pres1 now..." Can't fool me! My card isn't plastic, it's a live platypus! Yes, it fits poorly in my wallet, but, you know, free eggs!
First worst: going my last job at the likker store. I went in to panic. The other employees were a not net savvy older lady, and the college educated 25 year old Son of Boss. "The power company called! They're going to cut off our electricity in TWO HOURS unless we pay them!"
Yeah, riiight, thought I. "Pay them what?"
"$250 in Amazon gift cards!"
"Uh-huh. Did you try calling the actual power company?"
"Uh...no. I guess I should."
So if you've ever wondered how people can be so gullible as to fall for flat-out obvious cons...
Speaking of which, 30 Bartenders And Liquor Store Employees Share Their Funniest Stories Of Teenagers Trying To Buy Booze. My second day in a boozeteria: "I must've left my ID in my other pants!" and clearly expecting that to work. Me, deadpan: "Better go home and put on your other pants then." I'll never forget the confidence on his face as he prepared the Perfect Crime, and the crestfallen look when I somehow saw through his clever ruse.
WARNING: Not just politics, but a series of pessimistic nightmare scenarios:A wargame designer defines our four possible civil wars. Not a fun read, but maybe a required one..
Well, I made the mistake of tuning into the "debate" last night. I came in with all 3 screaming at each other. Then Biden just shrugged and stopped, while Trump and the moderater shrieked. Well, thought a person who is me, this is all it'll be, just Prump screaming. 15 minutes in, and for the first time ever, Prump wasn't orange, he was beet red from inchoate anger. He retained this shade of toddler the entire debate. At least as much of it as I saw, because fuck this noise. Every time I tried to watch, it was just the Bloated Tomatoface screaming "I WANNA EASTER EGG!" (as seen in this documentary strarring a Mr B. Bunny. At 4 minutes, the Fudd looks like Prump. Are you sittin' on a tack or sumtin'?)
I checked in a couple more times, and it was just "Biden smiling, Prump screaming, Wallace screaming back," so why bother? I knew Biden wouldn't set the world on fire, but all Prump had to do was not set anything more on fire, and NICE JOB HEINIOUSLY LOSING, human embodiment of a rancid fart. I liked that second I saw Prump barfing through his rabies foam "The MEDIA loves you and hates me!" Yeah. Remember when Hillary stumbled getting off a plane, and the Media spent 6 weeks screaming "Does she have PARKINSON'S?!?!?" And then Prump was raced to the hospital via a caravan of SUVs, and said "He was just getting the first half of his yearly physical, just as all exactly nobody does" and the Liberal Media...just dropped it? Until a few months ago, when Prezdint Burst Blood Vessel ranted about how "The liberal media says it was a series of microstrokes, and that's FAKE NEWS!" Um, actually, no one said "it was a series of microstrokes" except for that one guy. Who was you, saying it just now. And the subject was just ignored, again. For further context, one inauguration Michelle Obama cut her bangs, and the "liberal media" wouldn't shut the fuck up about it for 3 days.
"Biden said the wrong word" gets more attention than "manifestly insane person tells Americans to die of disease while encouraging them to murder other Americans"--meh, it's not like Prump wore a tan suit once!
(n.b: He referred to himself as "President Prump" at a rally, but Biden's the one who makes verbal mistakes, like--GETTING HIS OWN FUCKING NAME WORNGS)
Wow, they're really going with the Karl Rove "Attack them with what you're guilty of" idea, huh? Someone apparently forgot to lock Guiliani's crypt and he crawled out, screamed "THE SUN IT BURNS!" and went to Fox to necrotisizingly yell "BIDEN TAKES DRUGS! HE SNORTS CRUSHED ADDERALL!" That is a a surprisingly specific accusation. Everyone who worked on The Apprentice has said that sniff say that Prump sniff did exactly that. Expect Rudy to next howl at the moon "AND BIDEN HATES GARLIC AND CAN'T BE SEEN IN MIRRORS! NOT LIKE ME!!"
Joke I came up with as a kid, probably alongside every other little kid, about afternoon TV shows: "They meet on The Dating Game, go to The Newlywed Show, then end up on Divorce Court."
Divorce Court, the game: 11 baffling TV-to-board-game adaptations.
I have a bunch of board games from that era. Obviously, this one:
But I also had its progenitor, The Six Million Dollar Man. I just checked, and I mean just now, because I never really looked at it. The Bionic Woman game looks like it could be fun, but the male one is just another "race" game. The archetype of which is Candyland, a game in which strategy is very important: How can you subtly lose the game so the 5 year old nephew or niece wins and doesn't start screaming their way to the presidency? In 6 Million Dollar Man Who Only Paid $750 in Taxes, there are 2 to 6 bionic men, but ONLY ONE IS REAL and WTF does that mean? The game doesn't even say "One is Maskatron!" and I only know enough about this show that insulted my intelligence at 12, which is not an age when you actually are intelligent, but there was a bad guy named Maskatron! He wore masks and...Tronned? How the fuck should I know. You just collect Power Cards and Candyland around a bland map, but you can FIGHT!! if you land on the same spot as another Bionic Mr. Farrah Fawcett, and this tense battle is resolved by...seeing who rolls a higher dice number? You can't use the Power Cards? What if I end up in the Molasses Swamp, or have to Not Pass Go Collect $200? I just have to...look, the $6M game is now under the Bionic Woman one, what am I supposed to do, pick it up and move it, I'm not made of time here.
Now BW looks like there's actual gameplay! You can travel by car (slow), helicopter (faster, unless you land too far for a car), plane (you need to land at an airport, and THEN get a car, so fuck that). While $6M has only 4 scenarios as it's just a race game, and OKAY, I'm picking the box up NOW, stop YELLING at me, "Steve rescues stranded astronaut" by tackling him in orbit, "Steve prevents nuclear blackmail attempt" with a screwdriver, "Steve knocks out international crime ring" literally, by busting though a brick wall and screaming "OH YEAH!!" like the Kool-Aid Six Million Dollar Jug, and "Steve locates underwater missile network" by getting caught in a fishing net, GOOD WORK STEVEY.
Bionic Woman has a series of adventure cards, each worth 10-30 points after completion. You can increase the point total by "using your powers," look, I ain't reading some 1976 game's rules that closely. Sample adventures, in the order they're stacked here: ATTEMPTED THEFT OF VITAL MEDICINE! You fight Mitch McConnell I assume. GUNRUNNERS! You fight Wayne laPierre? This is strangely relevant! RAIN THREATENS BRIDGE! which Jaime defeats with her ear. TRAIN WRECK! Jaime rescues...Jaime, that guy's back is broken in like 3 places, maybe not lug him around like he's a bag of groceries. KIDNAP ATTEMPT! Holy fuck, glad I'm not THAT guy! (These all have little, and sometimes remarkably violent, pictures. I hope that he wasn't planning on using his jaw for the rest of his short life) SCHOOL BUS FAILURE! Jaime don't give a shit, she's just normal walking. This card is only worth 10 points, fuck those first graders. HIKERS LOST IN MOUNTAINS! Jaime saves them with ears again. That's worth 20 points? CHILD TRAPPED ON CLIFFSIDE! Jaime--pronounced "Jamie" for those who never wasted 15 minutes of their life on this show--saves him with speed and strength. 30 fucking points, and WITHOUT EAR POWERS! CIRCUS ANIMALS ESCAPE! Jaime kills them. Seriously, there's no way that lion will survive. Fuck all the you, Jaime! 10 points to make the ASPCA hate you; so not worth it. DAM BREAK THREATENS! Jaime uses speed to warn residents while...wearing...fuck, Jaime, is that a gimp suit? The fuck, Jaime?! RANGER HURT IN WOODS! Wish I could show you this card, because Ranger Rick here is totally checking out Jaime's caboose, and she's drawn like she ain't wearing no dang pants. "RANGER FALLS INTO ASSCRACK" more like. EQUIPMENT FAILURE AT HOSPITAL! Jaime saves a child's life, and sure has one busy schedule. Where's JAIME FINALLY GETS A GODDAMN DAY OFF!? CHILDREN'S SAILBOAT SINKS! Jaime swims with bionic speed to save 2 little boys, card is worth 10 points, so if she lets one them drown, eh, what's 5 points? ROCKSLIDE PINS RANCHER! Jaime frees him, 30 points. WTF is so special about this guy? Did he invent Ranch dressing or some shit? ATTEMPTED PLANE HIJACKING! Jaime crashes plane into field not Pentagon. UFO SPOTTED! Jaime reveals hoax. Oh yeah Jaime! She might have been tipped of by the fact that the "UFO" is depicted as a giant USB cable. FOREST FIRE! Jaime alerts firefighters, then don't do shit. The prisoners can take it from here! KILLER COUGAR ENDANGERS LIVESTOCK! Jaime spends $50 on drinks for her, and doesn't even get laid. BOMB HIDDEN IN FACTORY! Jaime fight with Ear!! Much Ear Power is in Bionic Woman!! AVALANCHE WARNINGS! Jaime Speeds! Jaime Meths! Jaime snort Adderall! Why do you come at Rudy with a wooden stake?! STEVE AUSTIN ASSISTS because, girls, right?! SHARK WARNINGS AT BEACH! Who cares, also: game made in 1976. Jaime will next fight a War of Star. SCUBA TRAINING ASSIGNMENT. Sorry, we did not give Jaime this in the previous sharky mission. Jaime is drowned. CHILDREN TRAPPED IN CAVE! Jaime saves wth Ear. Why TV show have so much Ear? MYSTERIOUS INTRUDER AT CAMPSITE! Jaime investigates giant foot print. Could be from the Sasquatch named--BIGEAR? SAILBOAT LOST IN FOG! Jaime pinpoints couple in zero visibility. Does she use Ear? She use Ear, I bet! 30 points for latest Ear job! RESCUE MURDER WITNESS! Jaime foils hit men. Jaime sends hit men head soaring like into the next town. Maybe this is the murder being witness! ART FORGERIES! Jaime eavesdrops on forgers, but can only Ear half of converation--is about VAN GOGH painting! HAHHAHA writer starting to mind lose!! REFINERY FIRE! Jaime hurls explosives says "THIS IS FINE" while sitting like the dog in a hat in that comic strip OH GOD HOW MANY FUCKING CARDS ARE THERE?! PERIL IN THE SKY! Balloon in trouble near airport. Wait--balloon in trouble? Near AIRPORT? 30 POINTS?! BALLOON IN TROUBLE, CALL STEVE FUCKING AUSTIN, it is BAAAA-LLOOOOOOn. Hahaha! Next card is, yes, STEVE AUSTIN ASSISTS. "Another balloon catastrophe averted by our combined powers of bionics!" BANK ROBBERY! 10 points, because it's not like they're robbing a blimp. DIAMOND SMUGGLING! Is it on a zeppelin? Don't come crying to me with your non-balloon related crimes. SURVIVAL TRAINING ASSIGNMENT! Jaime assists. Blood-curdling assisting action! Also, again Jaime appears to not wear pants. HELICOPTER DOWN IN WOODS! For this she wears pants, which is quite sensible. Always wear pants to helicopter rescues. EMERGENCY VACCINE RUSHED TO VICTIM! Yes! Something we can all relate to! What, 10 points? It's worth 10 damn points?! Oh, it's that fake vaccine Tomato Face is going to rush out the day before the election, right? SABOTAGE ATTEMPT ON US SUB! Jaime becomes a double agent. Oops, I was wrong, it's the vaccine that Putin is pretending works. ATTEMPTED THEFT OF VITAL MEDICINE--Oh, wait, here's where we came in.
Well, THAT was not what I set out to do. Now I have to look at some of my other TV board games of yesteryear, such as Bermuda Triangle, Marlin Perkins Wild Kingdom, and the no-doubt non-stop thrill ride implied in the title "Emily Post Popularity Game, a Game of Etiquette for Girls." In which we are guaranteed "to 'Win a circle of friends'" in the year of our lord 1970. The cover shows 5 Nixon-era influencers about half a second after being told "Three of you have the VD!"
If you were playing a superhero game, would you pick the power "Ear"?
I got a letter from the court Monday. I assumed that it would be details of my upcoming auto-de-fe, and wondered why it was dated
12/01/2020, but that's when the moved the date of it to. And I say
"it," because I don't know if this a trial, a preliminary hearing, or
if I have to fight a bear in a pit. It only refers to it as "The above
entitled action." The fact that they've pushed it back after waiting a
year and putting me on a non-surety bond indicates that it might not
be that big a deal. I'm going in wearing dress clothes and tie, and
not a "FUCK DA POLICE" shirt, because I'm not that confident.
*shrug* Kinda wish this was happening in 2 weeks just to get this (hopefully) behind me.
My sister Sue, who works in a lawyer's office and is married to him, said: "It's just an arraignment where they'll ask you if you understand the charge. My guess is it'll be your only appearance. The public defender will tell the judge that you're a first time offender blah blah blah. And they'll slap you on the wrist. The courts are so backed up, they won't want to waste their time on continuing this. They have way bigger fish to fry."
A Word A Day had a word for a day, and it was "Gremlin." Mainly connected to the word "Gizmo" these days, it was originally a joking reference to little critters that caused malfunctions in airplanes. I commented:
This bizarre 1944 Looney Tune was originally titled after its song, "Gremlins from the Kremlin." It involves a Nazi air raid on WWII Moscow, led by that insane, screaming, incoherent sociopath with weird hair and orange-toned skin. No, the OTHER one. It's funny, and certainly...interesting. The more human looking Gremlins are caricatures of the Looney Tunes staff, apparently all wanting some participation in beating up that fascist loudmouth.
Screen to table: 9 board game adaptations of vintage video games. The Tetris one actually makes a kind of sense, while the rest are marketing concepts in search of games that end up as gizmos. Not unlike the first of today's collection of Bill's boardgames, so I can get these things back in the closet and forget about them, "Bermuda Triangle: Sinister Mystery Cloud Swallows Ships." "OBJECT: Avoid Mystery Cloud While Delivering Cargo." Whoa man, deliver cargo?! Including lumber? Shit, man, this sounds too intense for me! I stress out going to Home Depot!
The Bermuda Triangle is an unsolved mystery dating back to the 50s that nobody has cared about since 1975, when this game was pooped out. (Is there a "Pet Rock: The Game"? I bet there's a "Pet Rock: The Game") It's sooo mysterious, because back then people didn't know that at sea, things sink! (We're currently living through the biggest piece of bullshit in American history, so wait for "Q-Anon: The Game of Civil War") It's a big plastic cloud, apparently of Mystery, that wanders around and uses magnets to pick up your also magneted banana boats. (Lumber AND bananas?! SO CRAZY) It steals them, or bumps them around, because the Triangle was most famous for misplacing stuff, like socks and car keys. 75% of the rules just explain moving the Mystery Cloud so that no one cheats and Who cares? Oh no, I lost my lumber to this giant fart!
That would be the sounds of a transformer exploding and my computer resetting during a rainy windstorm, erasing everything I had typed, right up to that last sentence. Not a joke; I had to retype everything just now. DO NOT MOCK MYSTERY FART
And now, that which you have been waiting for, "Emily Post Popularity Game, a Game of Etiquette for Girls"! Emily Post herself gives the intro to this game (for girls) in 1970, although she lived from October 27, 1872 to September 25, 1960, thus making her perfect for giving information to modern kids who can't read calendars. I got this (99 cents) at the SalvArmy, expecting something that could be an InExOb. I failed. There are 17 pie-slice shaped cardboard pieces of people, half of them lady girls and half male serial killers (including, no joke, "DON" who has weird hair), one piece of hand-cut lined notebook paper which I guess was some house rule for the owner, and The Dog. The goal of the game is got get rid of the Dog. This is not explained. The one friend you decided you didn't like because the cool kids didn't? Thanks for the social stigmatizing, Dead Emily!
You draw Emily Post Cards that are...Christ, they're no Bionic Woman Mission Cards.The most interesting thing is that, given the stains, at some 12 year old's pajama party they clearly served pizza. Chosen at random: "GOOD ETIQUETTE: PARTY Your beach party was a hit because of the time you spent getting the work done so that everyone had what they wanted without going up to the house." Ideal advice for people who have beachside houses. Class-System much, Emily's Corpse? "GOOD EQ: DATE You introduced your date to your parents and started a pleasant conversation that made everyone" PUKE THEIR GUTS OUT. "POOR EQ: PARTY You were unable to control the noise and received complaints from sleepy neighbors." "You neglected to tell some of your friends that this was an informal party and some of them were over-dressed." "THIS IS A BONUS CARD The piece of of silverware farthest from the plate is the one used first unless a special implement is brought with the first course." Is it a flamethrower? It'd better be that or a sack of grenades, because I know what I'm bringing. I'll say "So I'm the dog? At least I'm not a DEAD dog!" and BANG! *ping* go Fred and Ginny and Jane and especially Don and also slice of lined notebook paper!!
Marlin Perkins' Wild Kingdom we will get to another time. It looks like a very progressive version on Monopoly. From 1977, which is a very early time to refer to players as "s/he."
Creepy Gospel LP Covers, most of which I haven't seen before.
Nostalgia is a Luxury
Public Service Announcement: The Greater Good network is a free thing you can click on to donate to causes as diverse as cancer, hunger, animals, and Alzheimers. It used to be daily donations, but when The Thing happened, it went to 4 times a day. Currently, you can donate--again, for FREE--every 3 hours. It costs nothing, and makes the world better, one single click at a time. Alternately, you can do nothing but put on your spray tan and aid and abet evil. Your call, really.
My work schedule was perfect. Four 1 to 8 PM days, 3 off, 28 hours. The "3 days off" agreement never seemed to last more than 3 weeks at a time, but now I have it (at least until the holidays). Then my hours got cut to 24, then 20, then four 4 hour days, which is A) the legally lowest amount of hours they can schedule you for a shift, and B) barely worth even the 5 mile roundtrip's gas. It wasn't me; it was every part timer. The full timers weren't happy either, as now they had work harder to keep up.
Most annoying was that it wasn't, say, 1 to 5, it was 4 to 8. Four PM is a long time to sit around waiting to go to work. I was bored mindless waiting on Tuesday, went in during a damn downpour, and...couldn't punch in. They'd changed my schedule so I had that day off. I know what the schedule said; it was burned into my memory because it made me mad. And the font it's printed in is insanely tiny, so the first thing you see is when you're off. I thought people would take pics of it with their phones just to blow it up so that they could read it, but maybe it's because it can get changed randomly. It could've been changed so that my day off was now a day on, and I'd be a no-call/no-show. If they'd switched my day off to Thursday, I just would've said No, I have plans. And my monthly expenses are only about a grand, but $640 net isn't a grand. Of course I'd just spent money on nonessentials, like a few CDs, and I'm about to on a real essential, new glasses. I'd also spent $70 on new dress shoes for my day in court. Ratty Converses weren't going to cut it. (Actually, they are Converses, just all black so that at a distance they look like dress shoes)
But Tuesday I got a call from work, asking me to come in. At 10 PM, are they nuts? My immediate boss had just got a text. When I called back, he said "J. had a house fire." "WHAT?! Is everyone okay?!" "It was only a text, I don't know." J. is only 21, and his house has 3 generations living in it, as he just got a newborn nephew.
Fortunately, it was not terrible. "Our circuit breaker is now just a melted slab of metal," and they lost everything in their basement. Sucks to lose anything, but if it's in the basement, it's probably not essential. They're all living in 3 rooms in a motel, paid for by their landlord's insurance. Their dog is with them. "I haven't seen my cats in days." Me: "WHAT?!" "They're with my sister. One's cool with it, the other attacks anything that moves."
I went in early the next day. Apparently the store asst manager suggested that "J. can come in without his uniform, I'm sure he wants to get away from all that!" Dude, he already called out. A housefire is traumatic. Is no uniform okay, because you thought it was burned to a cinder? The reason I paid off my 30 year mortgage in 23 years is because homelessness is one of my 2 greatest fears.
I would have refused to work Thursday for a good reason: I finally got to see Jessica, for the first time in 8 months and after 2 postponements. In the last one, her husband changed jobs, which meant her insurance changed, which meant an inevitable fight with CVS over her Class 1 Narcotic narcolepsy meds. She's locked into CVS because of the Gummint. She spent a "week from Hell" trying to get her meds. CVS kindly said that she could pay out of pocket, and then they'd reimburse her. "That's what you said the last time this happened! I had to pay $2500 for 10 days, and then you refused to reimburse me!" So she went from 2 doses a day to 1. I asked if she was sleeping 16 hours a day, and she said the only way she could barely function was being stoned all the time (legal in her state). Which she did not enjoy, as she couldn't even drive. She described what happens when she's unmedicated, and I can't even remember all the symptoms, although ironically "can't sleep" is one. Twice she said "It makes me want to tear my skin off," and I sure remembered that, and the way she said it.
But we made it. I'm glad I was masked, so that she didn't see my jaw drop and say "Holy shit!" when she exited her car. She gained some quarantine weight. All the weight she gains goes straight to her shirt. She could go on Halloween as a different Jessica, the one surnamed Rabbit.
It was very windy, but beautiful. Likely the last day of the year that beautiful. (Maybe too beautiful; the sun was in my eyes the whole ride home, and I missed a turn and drove 5 minutes the wrong way) As usual, we were in Putnam junk shopping. Unsurprisingly, stores had closed since The Thing happened. Surprisingly, some were new. We shopped the big store. The only thing I was interested in was a tiny white cat in a basket figure, but I already owned it. She was searching for a pedestal ashtray and a vintage Zippo lighter as a gift for her husband. About 25 years ago, you could get ashtrays pretty easily at the SalvArmy, as people stopped smoking (or were dead from it). She found a Zippo, but said "I'm not getting him one engraved 'Lisa'." She bought maybe 6 cheap things, Disney records, a dead Mickey Mouse watch, and cat themed books. I saw a garden claw tool that someone had tagged "Trump Hand Cultivator". I said "Nah, too big to be his."
This visit's theme: fucking swastikas. Everywhere! Well, one does have to accessorize with the red hat when you go to the Trump rally.
One clerk rang her up and just talked and talked. His female coworker rolled her eyes at him. Kinda got the feeling this was a thing he did around customers of a Jessica type.
She's always been a very liberal feminist, but also usually disinterested in politics. That has changed. Her mask had a cartoon kitty and read "Cats Against Trump". Unfortunately, every time she talked, it instantly exposed her nose. She rarely goes out now, as she falls into the immuno-compromised category, and rarely talks when she does. She said "I think it's because my chin sticks out further than my nose. Your mask hangs looser because your nose is so big." THANKS JESSIE.
She mentioned that the main thing she does outside her house is grocery shopping. She otherwise does gardening, and power-washed her house. I say this just because "I got bored, so I power-washed my house" is about the most Jessica thing ever. Except, possibly, "I power-washed the cemetary."
Sensibly nervous about eating inside a restaurant, we got takeout and ate outside. I put my messy bacon bleu cheese burger to my face before realizing my mask was still on. (Why are masks such a burden to stupid people? Do they not wear pants? "My rights as an American are being infringed by not being allowed to walk around with my dick hangin' out!") A younger guy in mirrored shades walked by us, went to the end of the building, where literally nothing was, not even windows, and instantly walked back. Given the angle of where his gaze was each pass, I'm pretty sure he was not checking out how far Jessie's chin was sticking out.
She complained about her mask making her lips dry, and put on some lip balm. Then, she offered me some. It wasn't until later that I thought "Sharing lip balm, NOW?"
My other greatest fear? Going to jail for some bullhit reason. OH BOY, IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER, MAYBE I CAN SCRATCH THAT ONE OFF MY BUCKET LIST SOON
The second-worst fast-food commercial in history
I went to Wal-Mart for an eye exam, as JCPenney doesn't have an optical department and Sears doesn't exist. They should've put "appointment only" on their website. I made an appointment after I left, and the place was shuttered when I came back for it. Turns out that it closes down for lunch, 130 to 230. (Turns out that Walgreens does the same when I went for a flu shot. Having run a Rite Aid I know that state law says that the pharmacy can't be open without a pharmicist--in fact, back then even the retail part of the store couldn't open, so it's not just some rule places with "Wal" in their name have) But they opened right at my time.
After a lot of hygiene, I saw the optometrist or ophthalmologist, I don't remember. "Eyeball Person." He told me to cover my left eye and do the vision chart. He flipped through the cards really fast, then said "Wow, you really do need a new prescription!" After more tests, he used a different Eyeball Machine on me, and said "You need cataract surgery!" in the same excited tone as a game show host saying "IT'S A NEW CAR!!" Does he get a cut of the profits when they cut my Eyeball?
I also had to decontaminate to go the library to pick up a pair of Swing Out Sister CDs (remember them?). They used the stinkiest hand sanitizer ever. I put the tiniest blob on, and had to roll the windows down on the drive home. Multiple handwashings didn't get rid of the stank; the next day the car still reeked of it. Well, that's a way to get people to wash their hands, I guess.
Signs passed on the way there: A picture of cheezy blond wig and the word "NOPE". And "Presidents come and go, but WU-TANG CLAN is FOREVER". Face it, they couldn't be a worse president.
How Did The 'Dilbert' Guy's Brain Melt?
I have to admit I didn't smile once at Supermarket Workers Reveal 40 Things They Absolutely Hate That Customers Do. It's not funny because it's true!
(At least that's trying to be absurd--what the hell is this? Sarah Palin still exists? "This is--MY house!' "THIS--is my HOUSE!")
Remember that kid whose family remade Pee-Wee's Big Adventure? Here's the sequel. Scream Real Loud!
"Gremlins going to mess up every cassette
From London to Idaho"
Tim Curry's Gloriously Bad Halloween Song From The Worst Witch: A Scholarly Analysis "While it's perplexing to consider the possibility that gremlins' sphere of influence reaches America's "Gem State" and proceeds no further, there is no science to back this assertion up (as of yet)."
"Hell All Your Family"--Bad Translations
If, like me, you voted early but are wondering if you should go to the polls and check anyway: How To Check If Your Vote Was Counted. My vote was counted 10/3.
Prediction: intimidation and violence at the polls, while the cops watch and eat donuts. Trump declares victory at 8PM Pacific time, says any other results are rigged. Calls on the GOP-packed Supreme Court to invalidate the election by Weds morning. Dems struggle with their fight-or-flight response. And don't fight. Dictatorship for Life results.
Or not. But there's no way that fat fuckface is going to leave without an escort by tanks. Good thing the Secret Service hates his Big Mac choked guts.
"So you can deny gravity, but when you jump out of a window, gravity is gonna win. And that's where the Republican party is at." --GOP strategist Stuart Stevens
Interesting work question from a customer: "Do you have those things, I don't know what they're called--they're like nibbles that you eat with your mouth?...So--no idea?"
Um--everything? Theoretically, you could nibble the Tupperware and the rat poison we sell. I wouldn't recommend it.
Well, I was (thankfully) wrong about any violence (SO FAR), but I did peg the election's aftermath. Not that it was hard to do. But I didn't expect even that semi-sentient sack of baboon poop to flat out say "STOP COUNTING THE VOTES except where I'm ahead!" but he always says the quiet part like a foghorn. He's a big whiny-ass titty baby whose first and only response to anything that doesn't go 100% of his way 100% of the time 100% right now! is "TRUMP SUE!" Because that's worked so well for him in the past, and nothing breeds success like eternal and utter failure.
As for now, he's going to shriek incoherently until 1/20, probably eventually claiming that because he didn't "concede" that means he won. Let's hope he doesn't go full Adolph and when it finally hits his drug-addled remaining brain cells that he's a loser--A BIG DUMB STUPID UGLY LOUCHE DOUCHE LOSER WITH BAD HAIR AND SUPER WEIRD SKIN (throwing that in there just in case he reads this)--and try to take the whole country with him. I mean, he will, passing out pardons to thugs and his inbred family and gutting every law that the 1% doesn't like. I thought that maybe the GOP wouldn't want to hitch their wagon to Trump's anchor, but then they'd piss off his shambling zombie horde of a base and they might vote against them. His 2 biggest toelickers are Cruz and Graham, whom he hates. I guess their parents didn't like them either?
(Best line of the campaign, from Obama on Trump's superspreader Nazi rallies: "Did no one come to his birthday party when he was a kid?")
He's already said that he'll "go out kicking and screaming!" which he probably does after taking a shit. Plus side: The generals hate him, the intelligence services hate him, apparently the fucking Secret Service hates him. Charged with defending the POTUS to the end, he likely just screamed "GET ME A DIET COKE, YOU ASSHOLE! THAT'S WHAT I PAY YOU FOR!" Good forward thinking, Benito. They probably already have picked out the perfect lamppost.
They declared that there would be a major press conference at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia. In a move straight out of Not Always Right, the high-end hotel said "We don't have a booking in that name." (You can read about it on Crooks & Liars, but if you know the story, just scroll to the bottom and watch the 40 second video) "NO," said the most stable geniuses ever, "We meant Philly's Four Seasons Landscaping!" And they had their big presser in the back of some run-down, janky-ass early 60s industrial park. In between the crematorium and the "adult book store." We now have the ultimate apotheosis of the last 4 years: Trumpster caught between porn stars and massive death.
A short poem about this: Total Landscaping: A Masque
Long-ish but very worth it: And Now, Some More General Thoughts on the 2020 Election. It's Scalzi, so of course it's worth it.
There is a hotline to Trump that you can call if you suspect voter fraud. The number is 1-888-630-1776. Do NOT call without good reason! Again, that number is 1-888-630-1776.
I called and it went to voice mail. I said "This election is an obvious FRAUD, caused by fraud that is obvious. Dewey WON the election. Truman will NEVER be my president, and history will clearly bear this out! Thank You." Glad I didn't waste their time.
Play us off, maestro!
As Patty cut my hair for my arraignment, she said "2020 is probably the best year not to have Thanksgiving," refering to getting together with the Trump fans in the family.
As for the Trial of the Century: It's been postponed AGAIN. I'm never going to be on America's Most Wanted at this rate! I asked my lawyerly sister "If this can gets kicked down the road long enough, do they just give up and dismiss the charges? I can't afford to keep renting my getaway white Bronco." She replied "Who knows. They will be so backed up, it'll take years to catch up. My guess is they will have to dismiss the easy things. It's not like criminals have taken a covid break so every day more and more get added to the backlog. Enjoy the stay of execution!"
I was all set to buy a belt for my appearance. I've already spent $70 on this recurring non-event in the way of dress shoes. Wearing ratty Converses would clash with my "FUCK DA POLICE" tshirt. They're really not dress shoes, just non-ratty Converses. All black, even the laces, so they look like dress shoes if you don't look hard. I decided to wait on the belt, and the next day I got the letter saying that it's now 1/20. Last time they pushed it 6 weeks ahead, now it's 8. Why they just don't rush it through in a 5 minute appearance, I dunno. If they postpone again, they should just drop the damn charges.
So, how about that coup? "May you be cursed to live in interesting times," amirite? Nice gutting of the defense dept. Like those generals, all "suckers and losers" of course, are going to do anything for him except open the White House gates from outside with a tank to take him for a frogwalk. The intelligence agencies hate him, and also the Secret Service. Maybe Hannity will burst into Congress like Rambo and save Benito the Cheeto's bloated ass. I suppose there could be some malarkey with the GOP appointing stooge electors (or not). None of them are denouncing Stump, but none of them seem very eager to jump in front of the steamroller either. Want to bet he doesn't even go to the Inauguration, while rocking himself on the Oval Floor hugging an empty KFC bucket and sobbing "MINE WAS THE BIGGEST EVER!" "12:01 on January 20th," a Secret Service agent will say. "Time to go, fuckface. I get to call you fuckface now."
3 Foster Kittens Make Dream Come True for Woman's Last Birthday. No, you're the one with something in your eye.
Thought for the day: "Your future self is looking at you right now through memories"--Madimoiselle
No reason. Just 2003:
I've been too (not remotely) busy to post here, so it's not from laziness! (It very much is)
I had Thanksgiving with my Mom, who made a delicious meal that she continually denigrated. I like to say "I was raised Irish Catholic, but I got better," but the "I have to be better than perfect or I'm going to HELL" thinking never really goes away. Yes, the turkey was a mite salty, but she'd brined it. Everything was made from scratch except the Green Giant niblets: turkey, cranberry relish, mashed potatoes, pan-seared Brussel sprouts, pumpkin pie--oh wait, I didn't have enough room for her cranberry bread, let me go get some--damn, this is awesome! Mom can cook is all I'm saying.
(comes back with another slice of bread) Her washing machine died. It took her apartment complex 3 weeks to do nothing. She researched it, and found that if they don't get an appliance fixed in 4 weeks, the state gets involved. She was waiting until the complaint phone line opened at 9AM on day 28, when at 830 the doorbell rang. It was the contractor to fix it! Or, as she said, "The Three Stooges minus one." The young apprentice kept reminding the alleged boss "Aren't we supposed to do X before we do Y?" "Oh. Right." The washer was from 2004, so you'd think they'd just replace it, but no, cheap people gotta cheap, so they replaced bits of it. This involved taking the washer's drum out of her unit. The apprentice propped the outer glass door open, then closed it. The boss man was baffled why the reassembled washer wasn't working. Appprentice, possibly named Curly, said "Aren't we supposed to turn the water back on?" "Oh. Right." Then he asked the kid to get something from the truck. Eager to please, he "ran with his head down as fast as he could." Possibly going "Woop woop woop!" I could only picture it like this:
(um, there's no fires at all in the rest of this. Maybe that wasn't the foreshadowing)
My sister Sue had to have work done in her bathroom, which for some reason involved turning the power off. This, somehow, led to her neighbors losing power. 170 households worth of neighbors, with the power company guy insisting that "We didn't do it!" (They did it) She left work to find out what was going on, and the guy said "You have some salty neighbors!" (There's the foreshadowing; the turkey was salty) "One old guy screamed at me like no one ever has! 'I just bought a shiny new toaster oven! What if the power comes back on and it explodes?!'" Umm...unplug it first? You dipshit?
At work Thanks Eve: the poor manager on duty was constantly getting paged. At Stop&FuckYou, the manager probably would've flipped, but ShopRite is a very mellow place. One call he got was from an angry customer: "I bought my turkey yesterday, and it's STILL FROZEN!" "Umm...run it under cold water for a while?" You dipshit? I would've suggested throwing it in the washer on "Delicates." And not Naruto running to any doors.
Again, not the foreshadowing! In fact, it's...umm, I've forgotten.
Another manager asked me to find Breyer's ice cream for a woman. Which she kept calling "Brayub," which I guess shares some vowels. She wanted Turkey Hill, which...shares some vowels. Has words in English. Maybe also Entish, I don't speak Tree.
Last T-gving, beloved niece Cassie had laryngitis. We mainly communicated through her phone, which in my VERY FUCKING LOUD FAMILY, we have to do sometimes anyway. I suggested at one point that we talk through memes, and mimed "Angry blonde woman screaming at baffled cat." She instantly got it. She's also a super Japanophile (she went to Tokyo for a week not long ago), so I thought of her when I saw memes done as classic Japanese Edo-era styled art. She thought it was hilarious. Her mother was utterly baffled. I think that his "This is Fine" needed a teacup.
Wait! Was that the foreshadowing?! The Naruto and cartoon dog and the memes? Is that it? Is this love? (gestures at butterfly) Y'know, sometimes I write these out in my head first, and sometimes I just don't.
Man Photoshops Himself Into Boring Stock Photos
What did professor Thomas Brennan at Ferris State University in Michigan study to get his position? An advanced degree in hitting himself in the forehead with a frying pan? Getting a metal pipe blasted through his brain at Phineas T. Gage University? Not only is COVID fake, and the Moon landings, but also atom bombs. Hiroshima was faked with the same special effects as the "surprisingly real-looking tornado scene in the 1939 film, the Wizard of Oz." Yeah, that guy scrubbing himself in a flying bathtub sure was convincing. Also, the "n-word" means "human beings of worth, as we all are". You, sir, are a blitheringly moronic dipshit, as we all are. And by "we" I mean "you."
Meet the Nazi 'Indiana Jones' Behind the Third Reich's Hunt for the Holy Grail
Wait! I got it!
The true foreshadowing was inside us all along!
Byron wanted some cheese. I said "Y'okay, but I don't think you do." It was Cabot habanero cheddar, and if I say something is super spicy hot, it is. I gave him a tiny sliver without any pepper. He wolfed it down. Then he ran to the water bowl and drank a quarter of it.
In Connecticut jurisprudence news that I heard on the radio machine: Some group, calling themselves "Liberty Freedom Fighters for Liberty Freedoms" or something (I can't find an online link) filed a suit to block mask-wearing rules. Thank you, Big Dumb Orange Loser, for turning the simplest thing people have ever been asked to do into a political statement! Their apparent death wish was thwarted by a judge who called their suit "quadruple hearsay". Their rock-hard, bulletproof, pig-iron clad claim was based on a Facebook post, about a YouTube video, that was allegedly translated from German, by a German "doctor" saying masks didn't work. I say allegedly, as none of the plaintiffs spoke German, so they couldn't tell. Man, you could almost think Trump's goon squad elite strike force are very the bad at lawyering!
Seen in the store parking lot: A big-ass pickup truck flying 2 American flags, wet and wrapped around each other in a major wind and rain storm, and a big sign that said "ELVIS VOTED FOR TRUMP (TWICE)". I...what? Is that pro-Trump? If it said "voted for BIDEN" I'd think it was. Because dead people can't vote even once! But is this anti-Trump, making fun of his ridiculous fraud claims? Maybe the guy is just too dumb to get the meaning of his own joke. Trump lost by 7 million votes. As Republicans said 4 years ago, "He Won, Get Over It." Maybe the sign made more sense in German.
My state isn't known for much in a culinary sense, which is odd. We have the good lobster rolls, the ones with butter and not mayo, you philistines. We invented the fucking hamburger, and you get to have it exactly ONE WAY. They literally throw you out if you ask for ketchup. We also have something you thought was some Simpsons fever dream, the steamed ham. It's a steamed burger. It gets great reviews, and is on my bucket list. Steaming removes the fat and leaves a super juicy burger, and not your house on fire.
If you want some hyperlocal burger, there's Shady Glen here in central CT. Sadly, it's down to only one location because of The Thing. It's most famous creation is the crispy cheese, and its ice cream. We sell it in the store, big drums of it. Most popular are Almond Joy and Grape Nuts, because no one else makes those. Recently, we got their Christmas special! What flavor is it? I checked the ingredient list, and this is everything listed:
"Almonds, sulfur dioxide, sodium benzoate, potassium sorbate."
That doesn't mean it's bad. It's just like Grandma used to extrude!
We've entered that least wonderful time of the year, when the store Muzak plays nonstop Xmas shit. This was not bad at first. It was 50/50 Xmas and 1960s oldies. Now it's all Xmas. My main hate for this music is that their are thousands of versions of Christmas songs, but really only about 12 songs. I get to hear the same songs up to 4 or 5 times an hour. "Winter Wonderland," with its sick and twisted "Parson Brown" cosplay. Do you get off on watching the other kiddies knock him down, you sadist? And "Frosty the Fuckboi," I suppose you never noticed that he ignores the traffic cop, then immediately "has to hurry on his way"? How many crimes has Frosty done? How many parents found their children stabbed to death by his fiendish carrot? (Little known fact: the lyrics originally were "a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal, and a carrot for dick. A big and sharp carrot dick.") But "don't worry"--he'll be back again some day.
50 Rarely-Seen Historical Photos That Might Change Your Perspective On Things
To make it worse, yes, these are the lyrics I hear when they play "Winter Wonderland". Curse you, 1999 me!
Okay, I hear you whisperin'
"Should I go Pagan or be Christian?"
Be a Christian or fry, & I'll tell you why,
Cause Sodom & Gomorrah went buh-bye!
Sodomites, they were sleazy,
And Gomorrans most disease-y.
Each place was a sty, so they had to die,
And Sodom & Gomorrah went buh-bye!
They're an awful pair of sinful cities,
Not a single holy lad or lass;
All the ladies showing off their titties
While all the boys would take it up the ass.
God looked down, started pukin',
Said "Those places need a nukin'!"
Their sexual toys are now null & void,
As Sodom & Gomorrah got destroyed!
So be a Pagan at your own risk,
And be toast when God is all pissed.
You'll learn too well, that flesh-burning smell
When you're roasting in the firey pits of Hell!
Coworker: "Do you think a grocery worker has ever committed suicide because of Christmas music?"
Yes, I am not alone. I replied "So far today I've heard Winter Wonderland 11 times. It was the first song I heard when I got in. It was the second song I heard after coming in." 10 minutes later, it was played back to back again. I heard it 14 times in 6.5 hours. Today--it was the first 2 songs I heard when I got in. It played back to back four times. As bad as that song is, Jingle Bells is like having your wisdom teeth being taken out with a chisel.
Speaking of things that rot your teeth, we sell Elf on the Shelf cereal now. He sees you when you're sleeping, he sees you when you eat. THERE IS NO ESCAPE
I don't think Elf on the Shelf is indoctrinating children into happily living in a surveillance state enough. Maybe if they added "NOW! With 'Oceania has always been at war with Kelloggsasia' marshmallows! GENERAL MILLS IS WATCHING YOU"
I don't think Elf on the Shelf is intimidating enough. Give these kids an inch, and they'll take a foot-long stocking. I think we should put a 12 inch soldier action figure with a scoped rifle wearing tiny Pampers next to it. Tell your kids "One word from Elf on the Shelf, and you get a .50 cal round in your skull from--SNIPER in a DIAPER."
I went to the doctor. I need a PCP if I want cataract surgery. I was told by the opthamologist that I'd need an EKG done in Bloomfield otherwise. Yes, but no. First, it'd require sister Patty to drive more yon than hither that day, and second, that's where my horrible job of 14 years is located. While I was there I vowed that when-not-if I left, I was never driving on the highway to Hell I-291 ever again.
So now I have a PCP, so close that Google Maps only listed walking distance. Which is good, as I needed to call in to get in (why are these COVID restrictions never listed on their websites?). I got some to do my paperwork, as I paced in a freezing parking lot. At one point, my $15 flip phone went "shhvworp" like a Tardis materializing in a Slurpee. The screen said "HELLO" which meant "GOODBYE" and it died. So I drove home and called from there. I went back with my other phone, which also refused to work. I only got in because some guys were there to "fix the heat that's out on one side of the building."
Thinking "Great, no heat," they made me wear a hospital robe. Since I work in an 8 below zero F freezer, this did not really bother me. My new doctor went over my old files, and said "There were nodules on your prostate last visit." I said, "Not that they told me about..." fully knowing this was not going end well for my rear end. After some thorough rectal rogering, he said "There's nothing abnormal. I don't know why this is on here. I'll remove it." Remove the probably "hit the wrong keystroke" file, not my fucking prostate.
I go back again next month, because I don't know why. Same month I have to/not have to go to court, for all those tanks I sold to Argentina, and also my cataract surgery, which I'd really like done, but January's getting pretty cramped right now. And 2 days after the visit, I got a voicemail wanting to set up my next colonoscopy. Man, the whole world is coming up from behind me to get up in my ass right now.
Waiting for the news, WJMJ played a Sarah McLachlan song with the most horrible of all words. I dare speak its name not, as I wish to not beckon forth the Dark Gods! (It's "fuck") This is the Catholic station, so Catholic that it's call letters stand for "Jesus Mary Joseph," and sadly, not Kevin's guess, "Jesus Music Jams." I assume their $200,000 FTC fine is on it's way. Did you know that radio stations can play Elton John's "The Bitch is Back," but can't say the title?
They next played a song by Farrell, who said he "was happy like a room without a roof." It's not a room without a roof, and why would that make you happy?
Speaking of Kevin, we had a discussion about a Star Wars TV show that's really cool. I mentioned how I couldn't even finish Rise of Skywalker, and he replied:
>I actively hated the second one (Leia floating through space? COME ON!) and the third one I thought was exciting but I literally can't tell you anything about it otherwise. Wait, there was a lightsaber battle at the end. I'm pretty sure...
Well, here's that "it's all personal taste" thing. I LOVED Last Jedi, as it upturned everything about the bland who-cares other ones. It's one of the only 3 I will rewatch. You already know what the other 2 are. (The Holiday Special and the one where Whinykin complains about sand gettin' in his britches)
As for Flying Princess... "It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together." This flat-out says that EVERYONE is at least Force sensitive. Don't forget, she's a Skywalker, in the most inbred galaxy of them all. ("A long time ago, in an Appalachia far, far away from laws about incest...") So I didn't question it at all. No one in the audience questioned why in Empire, Luke could suddenly yank a lightsaber without touching it. Or jumping like a pogo stick in the next one, when he was fighting his father/brother/cousin. I think even stormtroopers have the Force, but it just attracts blaster bolts and kills them instantly though they're in full armor. (Why do they wear that? It's no protection, and "I can't see a thing out of this helmet!" explains why they can't hit the broadside of a Bantha)
Also, why are Banthas? Woolly mammoths in the desert? "Hey, let's go to Hoth with a spaceship full of kangaroo-camels that die in the cold!" Why does shooting a lock with a blaster close every door that's open, and open every door that's closed? Why do you need a protocol droid that speaks 8 million languages, when everyone understands every other language? (Except Ewoks, those cute lil' rat bastards, who get impressed by 3PO making whoosh sounds? Are they really impressed, or just muttering "WTF's with this dipshit?") Why did I sink into my seat during the opening crawl of Menace, thinking "Trade dispute, you fucking kidding me? At least this movie won't have minstrel show blackface caricatures or guys in Chinese robes talking with ching-chong accents and literally have FISH HEADS like that old slur? And I'm sure I'll never see a crawl that begins with 'PALPATINE LIVES! Why does he? Fuck you for asking is why.'"
I gave up on Rise of Sewer-water when, yes, turns out that Rey is related to someone in the stupidest way possible. That was the dealbreaker. I wouldn't have been surprised if she was the daughter of R2D2 and the trash compactor monster at that point.
You know I'm kidding. I love 3 of the movies (The Holiday Special, Solo, and the one where Vader says "NOOOOOOOOOOO!") Happy Life Day! Yub Nub! (Meco disco mix)
America's Least Wanted: The So Important Trial of mine (for selling tanks to Hugo Chavez's corpse to rig the election) that was moved from 10/20 to 12/8 to 1/20 is now 3/30.
WTF, just cancel it! They keep delaying my plan to rob Fort Knox!
I just spent a week out of work for a dry cough and fatigue. I think it was just a bad chest cold, but who wants to take a chance at infecting their whole store? (Assholes. Maskless assholes do. How'd masked me get it? Most likely from surface contact, I guess) I dragged myself in for 4 hours Xmas Eve. I saw the freezer and its 5 pallets and said "Wow, that's...a lot. Some lazy slacker not come in for a couple of days?" "No, not that! It got here 5 minutes ago!" The other PT guy said that there'd been nothing to do for half of every day, as the deliveries are backed up from that snowstorm a week ago. In 4 hours, we got half of the 5 out, so I don't feel bad. I mean, I feel bad in the sense that I'm still sick. Not guilty-bad. I also don't feel bad about postponing my planned Xmas lunch with my Mom (it's now around New Years).
But since I can't talk politics with her right now, guess whose ears get talked off!
Hey, Trump wants to give me 2 large! He finally did something I approve of! Since you know his heart didn't grow 3 sizes that day, what's in it for him? Since he went from hating any Republican who said he didn't win the election, to hating the ones who called Biden president-elect, to hating anyone who doesn't want him to declare martial law, IMO he's just trying to fuck with Bitch McConnell, who only agreed to a 2nd stimulus deal because it could cost them the Senate run-off election in GA. So Trump torpedoed it, ran away to golf. The Dems jumped right to his side, saying "YEAH $2000!!" I guess he can veto it by...not vetoing it? A "pocket veto," which I've never heard of before. Trump not doing anything? Guess which option he'll pick. He's made of 50% spite and 50% rock stupid, so he doesn't see that the GOP losing control of the Senate might not be to his best long term legal advantage.
Hey, what happened to QAnon? They long listed a date when Trump was going to take over the world (no, really), with the deadline like a week ago. This did not happen. You'd think that the "Washington Insider" being outed as an Indonesian pig farmer a year ago would've killed it.
But "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." as Goebbels the Nazi propaganda minister said. That's Trump's MO since this whole thing started. That's why he still claims he won, because of the "election fraud" that's oozing from Rudy's leaking brain. "The president elect's son in law was connected to an energy company that went out of business in the Ukraine, to no advantage to himself, so obviously, we should investigate! The proof is on his laptop, which he left at a pawn shop and the feds have had it for almost 2 years, but have not looked at. And here's the pawn shop owner!"
ME: "So, you say it was Hunter Biden?"
"Was your security camera on when he dropped it off?"
"Amazingly, it was the one time it was turned off. Pawn shops never get seedy characters who might hold you at gunpoint, so no."
"Is it true you're...legally blind?"
"But it was Hunter Biden."
"YES! Or possibly Lady Gaga dressed as a chimp in a clown suit, while jumping up and down on a basketball!"
"Sir, I'm over here."
"Oh! Are you on the ceiling? The law says you have to tell me if you're a Spiderman. Like I said, legally blind. But def Hunky Dingdong!"
"You see, I am also deaf in 3 ears, which science cannot explain. However, a man said he has PROOF that North Korea sailed a fleet of ships full of 750,000 fake ballots signed by Hispanic children with no fingerprints, to a port in MAINE, yes, all around the world, through the Panama Canal or maybe they flewed over the North Pole like Santy Claus, and NO ONE saw them, except this guy, who is an admitted felon pardoned by the president, who jauntily wears a top hat."
"Yeah, RIGHT. I suppose, I dunno, he also has a giant tattoo of Richard Nixon's face on his back!"
"Funny you should ask..."
And if you want to ask which part of that I made up...none of it.
Also, the Earth is not flat. It's Pringles-shaped. A hyperbolic paraboloid, and specifically, a Sour Cream and Onion one where Trump won. I'm going to keep saying that until you believe it.
50 Times People Got So Satisfied Looking At Snow, They Just had To Document It
I have exciting news--I got a mouse! I named it George and I will hug it and squeeze it.
It replaces the mouse that shit the pad. Touched by transformative power of Byron's Paw of Many Toes, it decided to go "doodley-doot" and freeze up continually. It's a bad sign when to get your optical mouse to work, you have to slam it on the desk multiple times. On its last day before replacement, it doodley-dooted when I was in another room.
Its name isn't George, but Jelly Comb. That's who made it. I went for the cheapest but best-rated one I could find. That would be the Logitech one that was tormenting me, so I went for the next one. It came with "silent clicking" and a built-in disco light display. It was cheap enough that I got it anyway, despite paying for features I didn't need. The lights I left on at night, as a kind of night light, but I stopped after a few days. The no-noise feature I fell in love with after the 3rd click.
Ha ha, I made you read about the least interesting thing ever!
I also bought some CDs, a thing I really don't need, from a big online sale. 9 titles at $75.09. (Free shipping over $75, so I think I aced that one) 9 titles, but since most were box sets, it was 28 discs. To give you an idea of how widely diverse the styles were, the only single disc ones were sountracks to Battleship Potemkin and Speed Racer. The only movies more different than those are would be The Little Mermaid and Saw. I'd already ordered them before I got sick, so I wasn't happy with myself when I ended up with an 11 hour work week. I checked online to see if I got my paltry stimulus check--I didn't, because Trump said we would--and I got my paycheck 2 days early. For 22 hours pay. I got paid for a day I called out, and 4 hours for Xmas, when we were closed. I know the store has had a bad turnover/retention rate, so maybe that's just what they do? They also gave everyone a $50 store gift card. It's a very nice place to work. Also, don't expect that $2000 check. Mitch McYertle called an extra $1400 for people making under $75K "Socialism for the rich!" The only thing Trump ever accomplished was a $1.6 trillion tax cut for the 1%, and I don't remember any GOP member mad about that. My total of $1800 is enough to almost cover my 2020 property taxes. So, it went from the federal government straight to the town one.
Wow, thanks Trump. Your fucking response to covid killed Mary Ann! Well, Dawn Wells was 82, so it's not like it wasn't something I knew was coming. I noticed her obits mentioned her charity work and her stage run in "The Vagina Monologues", which is good, but none mentioned her unwavering support for the NRA. Maybe she voted for her murderer Trump twice.
I also caught this, from exactly one interview: DAWN: "The first thing I did after the series ended was I went and did The Owl and the Pussycat and played a hooker (laughs). So I broke that Mary Ann mold right there. I played a hooker. She was a nice hooker but still a hooker."
Umm...no? IMDB doesn't list that, and "co-starred with Barbra Streisand" you think would get a nod. Her filmography is basically in the "mockable by robot puppets" category, like Return to Boggy Creek, about a Bigfoot, and Super Suckers, where she is credited as "Dawn Wells as Dawn Wells". Almost all of her post-70s career is portraying either Mary Ann or herself. I should also note that I read about her in my mom's copy of People Magazine in the 80s where she gave her birth year as 7 years later than it was. In the docudrama "Surviving Gilligan's Island," she said "Everyone thinks I was so innocent and naive, but I was married 5 times!" Every obit said she was married once, divorcing in 1967, even that interview linked above. Huh. Weird. Loose relationship with the truth? Maybe she did vote for Trump.
Speaking of which, Inventor Behind the Worst Gadget of All Time Jumps Onto Trump's Sinking Voter Fraud Ship. I remember CueCat! It was shaped like a white cat! "The gadget's whole schtick was it could read barcodes from magazine ads that when scanned into your computer would lead to... the same ad. Just the online version of it. But, hey, you didn't have to type a URL into your browser, and boy howdy that sure is convenient!" If you're reading this a couple of days from now, and DC is engulfed in flames from neo-Nazi riots, it may not seem so funny.
But these are funny! 25 seconds of cuteness, and a very NSFW comic that's funny because it's so weird. Also funny:
Also also funny, its remix:
If you don't want to watch them, don't worry. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!
Watching the break room TV, a manager said "Just when I was hoping
that we'd stop being the laughingstock of the world..."
I'd forgotten my Kindle, and since work is a 10 minute round-trip commute for me, I used my 15 minute break to run home to get it. The car radio was on a classical NPR station, but it was news. As soon as I heard speaking, I knew what it was. Not "storm the Capitol building" exactly, but when I found out and a person said "This is shocking, no none saw this coming!" I screamed at him "HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING?!"
If it'd been a peaceful BLM protest, the tear gas and rubber bullets would've come out in the first seconds. Instead, the cops just stood there shrugging "Yo, chill out, my dudes." Fuck, they held the doors open for them! "No. Stop. Don't. Okay, you can overthrow the government in a fascist coup, but you need to get your hands stamped--Hey! I need to stamp your hands!" I hope the FBI is seeing how many of the Capitol police are Oath Keepers, the neo-Nazi group whose purpose is to infiltrate and recruit the police and military.
Another thing I knew: how many minutes it'd take before somebody said "This is not who we are as a people!" And it was Biden. This gets said every school mass shooting. Every right wing riot where the cops do nothing. How many times does it have to happen before we admit that, yes, WE ARE THESE PEOPLE. Saying we aren't really means that politicians aren't going to do anything.
How did these GOP congress dimwits not see "the monster they created turns on them" twist coming? How do they plan to escape these people? Are they just going to become the Nazi party out of fear of them?
Yeah, Mitch McYertle, voice of reason--NOW. And Pence almost grew one whole vertebra! Sorry, but you guys own this shit now. Welcome to the Third World, America.
In Kremlin, Vlad high-five large drunk bear. "Mission, it is accomplish," say Vlad. "WURRF!" say bear, and they chug whole bottle of wodka.
Since a second impeachment would disable Trump for running for town dog catcher, and also take away every other ex-President perk (free lifetime health care, pension, the Secret Service), I can tell you that every Republican planning on running in 2024 is going to be on board, even Ted Cruz and Pence. Especially the people who it's said hate Trump the most, the Secret Service.
These guys who hate the Gummint tracking their every move with the Bill Gates vaccine with the 5G, as they post about it on Facebook and Parler with their iPhones next to their Amazon smart speaker, boy howdy they can keep a low profile, huh? Storming a building with no masks, taking selfies with cooperative riot police (umm, cops, the name means you fight the rioters), wearing their fucking work IDs...and startled to find out that overthrowing the country is kinda illegal? Serious Underpants Gnome vibe there. "Phase 1: Storm Capitol! Phase 3: PROFIT" Turns out strapping a GoPro to your empty noggin is kinda evidence. Also, posting on fucking Parler, which tracks your GPS location. The Lectern Stealing Guy tried to escape justice by shaving his beard. While keeping his luxurious mullet. And living in the same place. I wonder how much of a slap of the wrist they'll get for openly planning on hanging Pence from a tree on the Capitol lawn. But, other than that, "It was not that Bad."
When I got home that day, for some reason iTunes had stopped working. It was frozen in the middle of the Battleship Potemkin track, "Join Us!...Brothers!" If you're unfamiliar with the history, it was the first, failed attempt to overthrow the Russian government. With that practice, they succeeded the next time, 12 years later. And the American fascists are going to keep trying, legally and not, until they get it right.
"Please don't be from work," I said on my day off today, but of course the call was. The slackiest frozen worker was let go. He had called out twice for his Army reserve weekend. Firing someone for this can lead to serious consequences for the company. The first time, he called out that morning, which is not how the military works except for minor things, like Pearl Harbor (he called out on December fifth, a date that will forever live in 2-days-before infamy). This time, he'd presented a letter showing he was going to go in on the day before. Which was dated a month earlier. Why'd he wait? The issue turned out to be more. My boss said "It didn't match up with days he took off. He lied." Why wasn't he storming Congress? "This letter proves my innocence by proving my guilt!"
Just yesterday I'd thought that he matched the profile of a guy who gets a job, in the hopes of being fired so he can collect unemployment. If so, he got half his wish. He can collect, as technically he was fired because of his military service. He'd just have to leave off "...that I lied about." The Labor Board wil enthusiastically support him if he does, and if he's smart, he'll decline to pursue it. If the penalties for firing for this reason are huge, what are the penalties when they find out that you're in the wrong?
So, the other PT guy and I get more hours. But I don't know what the reaction is going to be when I tell them I have to take a week off next month for cataract surgery...but all my documentation will be presented and legit. I waited to ask until now because just today, I had a doctor's appt I wanted behind me. I have proof of that, and the original letter to the optomologist, but not one from the opthamologist, as Byron peed on it. I don't think they want that on file in the office.
UPDATE: I won't need any documentation at all. I found out that I get a week's paid vacation. As a part timer! Just shows how dumb the fired guy was.
With my upcoming cataract surgery, I have 7 doctor's appointments in 6 weeks. As we used to say in the 80s, Fun Is.
There was a march on the CT state capitol Saturday. A caravan of vehicles, Trump flag flying from the lead car. It was an impressive sight to see. FOUR WHOLE CARS! Well, 5, if you count the SUV passing them on the right as they crawled by to be filmed.
I'd show you the video, but it was on the Vernon Patch site on Sat, then deleted the next day. Almost as if some politically correct entitled snowflakes didn't want anyone to see it, and did their cancel culture on it! Since they left the Buckland Mall, and gave up before actually reaching Hartford a whole 15 minutes away, I'd say it was at the demand of the iron-willed, lion-hearted rebels in the clown cars. Maybe they realized that there was no way that they could actually get into the capitol. Maybe it was because their Jacobin brethren that were joining them from New Haven were crushed by the Libtard Overlords, when Costco said "No, you can't meet up in our parking lot to go insurrecting" and the Heroes of the Revolution said "Oh, okay, never mind." Maybe they realized to their utter shock that, after their last terrorist attack, words and actions suddenly have consequences. Maybe Big Brother could shoot back this time! You have to water the Tree of Liberty with Blood, but not from our lily-white livers!
We'll have to see what happens on Inauguration Day, but I'm leaning towards "nothing," as surely as I leaned towards "fucking anything" on 1/6. Hopefully I'm right.
For some reason, my DVD player stopped working. It'll transfer CDs to iTunes, but that's it. I figured it was the software and downloaded a patch. I did, but No Go. So I spent last night downloading basically anything. No Go, Fun Is. My favorite was the Microsoft player. "It looks like your hardware is compatible! Pay $14.99 to find out." No test drive of one movie? Why the fuck would I do that? Salesman at Gates Preowned Cars: "It looks like this car will start and maybe make it out of the parking lot, so pay $14,999 to find out! No takesie-backsies!"
I watched WandaVision, the first Marvel streaming-only TV show. Entertaining, but weird. It's a B&W parody of early 60s sitcoms, mainly Bewitched, complete with lame plots and a laugh track. The special effects are deliberately bad; the only CGI is to remove the strings making pots and pans float. Obviously, Things Are Not What They Seem, and I guess it's all happening in Wanda's head, what with the Vision being canonically very dead in the MCU. What purpose there would be in placing her in some VR world of I Dream of Jeannie, I don't know. The thing that confused me the least was what probably confused the non-comics readers of the show the most: the beekeeper climbing out of a manhole. That means the villains are likely to be the first onscreen appearance of these guys. AIM usually means M.O.D.O.K.! But the giant flying head is getting his own TV sitcom, so...exactly what we all thought would happen after Iron Man 12 years ago, right?
OK, running a little late here, I admit. But we're finally rid of Mango Mussolini, Apricot Adolph, Tangerine Torquemada, the Clementine Kaiser, the Mandarin...mandarin!
What? Not 2 weeks later, and the GOP is fawning over him? Because these Profiles in Courage are afraid of losing the votes of his cult, and are afraid that they'll try to kill them, after they tried to kill them? Like they wanted to do to Mike Pence, the most lackluster lickspittle milquetoast toady in modern history?
Don't worry, guys. That strategy could never backfire.
There's a new name on the work schedule! It's "NEW". Since this is the third guy we were told we'd get, I understand the confidence level. Why learn his name until he actually turns up?
Other work news: WTF is with my legs? Yes, I power-walk a tremendous amount in a very short time, but my legs are tingling after work. I thought "I know this feeling, but from where?" Not where, but when. Puberty. It's growing pains. My waist shrunk about a size and a half, now my legs are bulking up like tree trunks. Admittedly, more like birches than mighty oaks, but I normally look like an XKCD stick figure. But my socks are now cutting into my legs. At the end of work, my legs look like turkey drumsticks; skin down to the bone and above a big pile o' meat. Probably not optimal over the long term. Unless the store gets attacked by Jean-Claude Van Damme, cause I will so kick that jerk. My action hero quip as I destroy him: "Sorry to leave you in--the larch! It's a tree! Number One--The Larch! Number Two--YOU!" That may need work. "OAK-ay, ELM only going to say this once! Sorry to LEAF you in maho-AGONY! As I kick your ASH! As you PINE for your crushed WALNUTS! Pray to COD I don't give you a splitting HADDOCK just for the HALIBUT, oh wait, that was a fish one."
"William? William? ...Are you there?" *click* Apparently, robocalls have reached the level where they know your name.
“All Blood Runs Red,” the amazing, inspiring story of the Black Swallow. America's first Black fighter pilot, and that's almost the least interesting thing about him. Maybe this has never been made into a movie because, who'd believe all the stuff he did? (Bonus: dead Nazis)
Door Ladder and Demon Donkey: Bootleg Toys That Are Somehow Better Than The Originals
Funnier than you'd think, but exactly as stupid:
If you've never seen this collection of old propaganda films, you need to. Alternately hilarious and horrifying in turns.
"I recognize these trees," I said as I pulled into my pre-op COVID test. "This is the courtyard I looked out on when I was in the mental ward."
Sister Patty, a few days later when we were there for my surgery: "I don't think they like it when you call it that."
Me: "What they really don't like is when you call it 'Hospital Jail'!"
I tested negs on the 'vid, so cataract surgery was on. I asked for the latest possible appointment, and they said "Be there at 530AM." Some of you are no doubt scoffing at that--"I'm up at that time every day!" Well, it's 6 hours earlier than my usual alarm time, so just subtract 6 hours from yours and think about how that'd feel. I managed to get them to change it to 645, and my next-day follow-up from 830 to 1130. So, if I could fall asleep at 2AM, I could scrape by on 4 hours.
ha ha, of course not! I got no sleep that night, and by "no sleep," I don't mean "very little," but none. I was there at 635, saying "I'm here for cataract surgery" and was told that Patty needed to park "Over there--See the 'Emergency' sign?" (squints) "No, I can't see anything, I'm here for cataract surgery!"
A lot of boring prep, going over forms, including one that listed every damn thing I'd ever seen a doctor over in my life. Remember Young's Syndrome from 10 years ago? The prostate "plasms" I didn't have last month? Going to the nuthouse in 2019? My adenoids, removed in middle school? By the end of over half a page of symptoms, I was surprised they didn't just say "We'll have to cancel this; statistically, you're dead."
I was supposed to get knocked out on my ass, but it was local anesthesia, so I could fully enjoy having my eyeball slit open and vacuumed. This made sense, as sometimes I would be told "Look up" or something. I mentioned the movie Clockwork Orange when they clamped my eye open. The doctor hadn't heard of it, which may be for the best. What if she played Ludwig Van?
The surgery was more like the last scenes of another Kubrick film, 2001. Lots of bright dancing technicolor lights, usually in threes. Then I went home with an eye shield taped to my face and slept all damn day, except for taking my eyedrops.
That I would find out I wasn't supposed to take that day! I called them, worried that I'd just infected myself, but No Big Deal. Even through the tiny eyeholes in the shield, just by looking at websites with white backgrounds, I could see a big difference: My left eye, light beige. My right eye, "bright sun on fresh snow" white. It kind of syncs up with my current eyeglass scrip, so I may not even need new glasses. But I still have a week to go before the all clear.
At my checkup the next day, I snuck over to their computer and saw that under "Mood:" it said "Alert and Observant x3." Ths meant...umm, I have no idea. Would I be able to detect traps in my D&D campaign 3x better? I'd have to play D&D first to know.
I called work to let them know. My boss said "Thanks for calling, I was just about to write the schedule!" Two hours later he called to tell me it. "I'll need you here. New guy quit!" Yes, as stated above, he didn't waste time remembering his name. I'd worked with him 3 times, and was impressed. He was in his 40s (I think; who can tell with the masks), and worked a job that required reliability, running meds and samples between the 2 UConn medical centers on opposite sides of the state. For all I know, he ran my COVID test to one. Why'd he quit? Dunno. I've never worked 2 jobs, just single jobs that required 2 jobs worth of hours, when I was in my 20s. When I hit 30, yeah, I'll trade less money for more free time. So maybe it was that. When I first started after 2 gap years of unemployment, for months breakfast was strong tea and 4 ibuprofen. Lunch was 4 more. Driving's more sedentary than office work, so maybe he just decided that the pain wasn't worth it. (Youngsters in the reading audience, age 50 is when the warranty on your body runs out. Get ready!)
A lead on The Mandalorian has been let go. Who knew Baby Yoda was a racist?!
Of course, Baby Yoda it was not. It was the third lead, "Cara Dune," played by an MMA fighter who, as an actor, was a very good MMA fighter. She wasn't bad, just kinda there. Getting outacted by a puppet and a guy who spent 95% of his role with a bucket on his head. (A guy whose emotions you can still clearly read--that's acting!) She was on the fast track: already established on one show, cleared for a big role on a spinoff, and even possibly leading her own spinoff. But, boy-oh-bantha, did she not shut up on Twitter.
Disney owns Lucasfilms, Lucasfilms runs Star Wars. Disney has a very clear moral compass: "We making money off this?" So it seems they were fine with her, while Lucasfilms ground their teeth. She started out transphobic, like in a JK Rowling mode. She'd be interviewed about Star Wars and just throw it out there. Is "I hate them trannies!" the right wing version of "I'm a vegan!"? Well, good to know, but we weren't talking about that. "Also, did you know there are many fine products from Amway, and maybe you could pop over to my megachurch this Sunday?" I have lots of unpopular opinions, but I don't try to shoehorn them into every conversation.
Seems Lucasfilms wanted her out after the election, when she went full MAGA. Stop the Steal, Save the Children (from Being Eaten by Democrats), masks are for losers who don't know it's a "Plandemic," all the QAnon stuff. Apparently the Disney accountants then calculated how much they would or wouldn't make after she tweeted how "Republicans in America are treated the same as Jews in Nazi Germany." Sure. Toddlers gassed and then thrown in ovens=being banned from Twitter.
I'm sure that there are people with no interest in Star Wars who instantly signed up for Disney+ just to stream her Mandalorian episodes. In order to angrily quit it so they can scream "CANCEL CULTURE!" Something that they'd never do! Unless they were told to by Rush Limbaugh, and--oh, this is sad. He's dead! Sad because, honestly, I thought he'd died like right after Trump gave him his medal. He lived maybe 2 years more, that's sad.
I've said this joke before, but this is my last chance to use it.
Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
A: One's a giant bloated Nazi gasbag, and the other's--Um, never mind!
Okay, you shouldn't speak ill of the dead. So here's one I just came up with.
Q: What's Hitler's greatest painting?
A: The walls of his bunker, using his brains!
COVID Killed The Video Store: a nice and nostalgic paean to days gone by.
I knew that every lotsa years, the Earth's magnetic pole switches from North to South, and then back again. I didn't know the connection between it and cavemen, the invention of art, Douglas Adams, and the Ng?wh? tree. Oh, and when it happens again, we're all going back to living in caves. It's real, even if I'm making it sound like a bad parody of The Onion (i.e., like me)
So, all GOP politicians are Trump now? The second rule is, if there's a crisis, run to social media and blame anybody who isn't you! Then say you can't do anything, that's not your job! In fact, if you're mayor of some Texas, say it's not local government or the power company's fault you have no power, it's up to you to get off "your lazy ass" and make your own electricity! It's not hard! I saw a documentary about some people trapped on island who recharged their SOS radio by riding bikes! Two of them were super hot babes! There was also a millionaire, aaand his wife!
Blame it on Biden! Blame it on a New York congresswoman and her unpassed Green New Deal! But, above and beyond all, the first rule of Trump Club is blame it on fucking windmills.
WHAT IS WITH THESE PEOPLE AND THE FUCKING WINDMILLS? Really, windmills suck, so that's what you used to keep the natural gas pilelines from freezing? You didn't try squatting and hatching them like eggs first? Eat some tacos and give Texas sized farts? I mean, what gas is more natural, just light your farts! What could be more Texan than men lighting their farts?! It's not like this exact same thing happened 10 years ago OH WAIT WHAT?
Remember how China creatificated a virus to kill its own people in the hope that it would spread to America just to hurt Trump's reelection, and some still think that's sane? You know what's more logical? Ted Cruz and the Trump sons had a bet to see who could grow the ugliest beard. TED: "Mine's a Texas classic, a mangy coyote! When I move, you can see the ravaged skin flappin' in the breeze!" TRUMP JR: "MINBE IS DESIGNED WITH MUSTACHE COCAINE HOLDING ALSO HAS WHITE TRACES WHICH ARE TOOOOTALLY JUST **SNORT** HAIRS! YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!' ERIC: (touches chin) "Huh huh! Fuzzy."
AOC raised $4 MILLION for Texas in hours. This would be the same Texas whose leaders laughed at NYC or New England getting any relief for hurricane Sandy unless it was cut from other social programs. C'mon, what's the point of being Republican if you can't make total strangers suffer? Blue states give; red states take. Look it the fuck up.
So, of course, Why Does Everyone Try To Make Poor Ted Cruz Look Bad By Not Being Ted Cruz? Yes, AOC is raising that money just to make Crud Tush (c'mon, you know Trump would call him that after Hannity told him to) look bad! You don't need $4M to make him look bad! You could find 4 pennies on the floor, throw a nickel down, and that Negative Lincoln Head wouldn't need to spend itself to make Ted Cruz look like an idiot!
And, crimeny, if I read a book that had a plot about corrupt, incompetent politicians without empathy that repeatedly beat me over the head with ham-fisted, pig-headed allusions to tilting at windmills, I'd stop reading that book.
Or write it.
She walked in the room. So great was her beauty, the lights went dim. Or maybe just I did. "Think, Damon Nekpunch, noir secret agent mercenary for hire! Think of a line! Like 'Baby, you got more curves than a bucket of Spaghettio-s!' Hmm...maybe just wait for now. Think 10% sexier."
"I'll maybe just wait," I nodded. Oh, shit, said it out loud! "Wait for what?" she asked questioningly.
"For..." I grabbed a business card off the desk, "Waiting for Hamilton Chris P. Bacon, CEO. I hear he's quite pigheaded," I said answeringly.
The door burst open. It was someone thinking this was the bathroom, who left red-faced. Another door burst open, a door that represented my every desire: made of curves of gold, mahagony, an encrustation of diamond beyond count, and a side of fries. It was like a super real good door.
He burst in, hand full of pages of paper. Held in the hand of Hamilton Chris P. Bacon, CEO. They spilled on the floor as he roared, as a boar or wild hog might, "WE MUST BURN DOWN THE ORPHANAGES--" he paused, then put the last paper down. "Wait, is this my 11AM meeting?"
I thought, "'You have more curves than a pig's tail.' Cause chicks dig pigs"
Looking at him, she said it. Said it like I would, in the outside voice. "You...literally have the head of a pig. Like a snout, and beady eyes. You clearly have been wallowing in your own filth. Yet, strangely, kind of cute."
He nodded in a way that emphasized his porculence. "Oink," he said. "I want you to meet my friend!" he squealed. "He is like a carnivore that scavenges corpses! He is--"
The third door burst open. As doors go, only okay. An insane looking old man burst it, knocking down the janitor and also the person looking for the bathroom. "MY EARS HAVE CANCER!" He pulled out an AR15 with 2 100-round magzines, and opened fire.
Five minutes of gunfire later, he said "Did I kill the WINDMILL?"
Bacon paused. "No you didn't...DON COYOTE."
She facepalmed. I said "Don't you get it? He looks like a COYOTE with a MANGY BEARD--"
"YEE--HAAAW! TEXAS IS THE BESTEST!" he yelled, in the classic yell of all proud Texamen. I was about to ask "Are you about jump out a skyscraper window", when he did hey guess what.
An assistant ran up as a loud crunch was heard, followed by a car alarm. "My god! He's landed on--"
Hamilton asked "Is it my car?"
The assistant's shoulders slumped. "No sir," and he turned the alarm off with his remote.
I always think carefully, some say even very slowly. "Maybe 'You have more curves than that guy made bouncing off that car?' Hmm. Too sexy?"
Bacon turned to us, like on a spit. He seem cured of any worry. All Beef Frank with you, he was not All Chicken. He Mustard Forgot all his past life. Before this, he was USDA choice and Very Tender.
"Can you help me eat by picking up my slop? Kinda hard for me. I AM hamfisted!"
"JESUS!" she said. "Fuck this, I'm converting to Judaism AND Islam just to get out of here."
I was about to yell "MORE CURVES THAN REALLY HOT SEX!" when Hamilton escaped, carrying a jug marked "ORPHAN POISONS". I ran like Tom Cruise fast, but he jumped into a chute marked "PECCARIES ONLY." How could I follow? He savagely oinked in glee. He was free...to kill orphans, with poison I guess, and to spread his baloney.
I knew exactly when I'd failed. I just hadn't watched enough YouTube PUA videos.
(POST CREDIT SEQUENCE)
She closed the report and facepalmed. She looked at the camera, then walked away shaking her head. "For this," she said, "I fought the fat kids, skinny kids..." Her voice trailed away "...kids...who climb on rocks..." She shut the office door and turned off the light.
In that order. "OW! DAMN DOOR ON MY ARM!"
The Old News