NEW 127

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."
--Morticia Addams

Jump to the Newest of the New
updated 7/15
previously 7/10

      8/14/20

       It's been a while, and I'm unmotivated to update (obviously), so...Read it over the next few days. Lots of piled-up links and vids at the end.

      "You wanna squirt?"
      Not a phrase one normally hears in public, or private, so I was confused. It was at the local April booksale, being held in July, and it was said by an ancient man by the door with hand sanitizer. Later on I heard one of other retirees say "Squirter?! Where's our squirter?!" followed by "He's on break!" If he was a teenage boy, he'd probably use his break to squirt.
      I bought 1 book, a slab by the Uncle John's reader series about history ($1), and 9 CDs for 50c each. My total was $6, so, as usual, I was overcharged. These old ladies can't do the new math. I didn't care, obviously. Not that you care, but the prize scores were Greatest Hits collections by Massive Attack, which sounds like a metal group but are actually electronica produced by a Mr Eno, and the Four Tops. I had to think "Didn't I grab this from the library?" before I realized that I don't have "Sugar Pie Honeybunch" or "Bernadette." The latter is a song about how much it sucks to have a smokin' hot girlfriend. I've only been mistaken as a guy with one when I'm with Jessica, and all I can say it doesn't suck, but sometimes other's reactions can get weird.

      I've read A Word a Day for at least 20 years. It's as advertised, a word a day usually with a week-long theme, with a pithy quote at the end, and a very liberal attitude.
      Last week started with redshirt, which is not what you immediately thought. "A college athlete who practices with the team, but does not take part in official games." I responded with, of course:

And I got Email of the Week! The prize is a word-based party game, that will likely never see use, as I don't go to parties and the sample questions were hard--I guess, I saw the page yesterday but can't find it today--included "What's the Third Amendment?" I mean, I got it after some pondering (it involves the word "billeting"), but some of the others I was baffled by.

      Anatomy Of A COVID-19 Conspiracy Theory. I commented:

      I was stocking at work when a Black kid, grade 2.5 or whenever they start to read, pointed and yelled to his parents "I see OBAMA!" They looked around and said "Really? Where?" and he pointed at the On-Cor frozen lasagna. I exchanged amused looks with his parents and finished what I was doing. By then he had the lasagna in his hands, and his father said "Now you only want to eat what Garfield eats?!" It was cute, is my only point.

      Really Expensive Accidents And Mistakes

      Ways To Stay Motivated In This Shit-Shellacked Era Of Epic Stupid

      Saying Aliens Built Ancient Monuments Isn't Only Crazy, It's Racist. Back in the early 70s, the big best seller on the "non"-fiction charts was Erich von Daniken's "In Search of Ancient Astronauts." I saw a half-hour TV show about it, and if they wanted me to buy the book, it worked. A third of the way through, I was "This is the REAL TRUTH!" Two thirds through I was "This is garbage!" It was the second thing that made me a "show the science" skeptic. Forget proof, where's your evidence? His theory was that every giant monument from the Pyramids to the Nazca lines to the Easter Island heads was made by Aliens! (But not Stonehenge, that was made by white people) Every myth, legend, and religion was really some dopey native misinterpreting the Aliens! (Except the bible, that was made by white people) That's the point where I noticed the way he thought--only White People can build things without Alien aid. (Did I mention he was German, and raised in a time when the country's government was, umm, let's say "not optimal for non-racism"?
      What really ended it for me was the photo section in the middle. I don't think there were captions, just listings of what page it was referenced on. Look, here's an Aztec carving that looks like a guy in a space suit in a space capsule! One said that a carving was clearly an Apache helicopter gunship. I flipped back to look at it, and...if a little kid did it, and the kid told you it was a helicopter, just like that 3-eyed, 5-legged Cubist nightmare they scrawled was the family dog...Sure. It hit me: "So the Aliens travelled untold trillions of miles, using a technology that current physics says will not exist unless they want the trip to take millions of years, came to Earth and...flew around in helicopters? They kept helicopters in their flying saucers? 1960s American helicopters?"
      Next was what was obviously a 3 foot wide, 6 foot deep hole made when the UFO blasted off, melting a hole in the solid rock! I looked at that one, and said "That isn't melted. That was dug." And he knew exactly how the UFOs propulsion system worked, right down to the exhaust pipe? Maybe that's a thing you could share with the rest of the class. He said "And to this day, the primitive desert tribesmen of Iraq use use these as refrigerators, placing a rock cover over them to trap the cool desert night air!" Maybe because--THAT'S WHY THEY MADE THEM? I read Newsweek religiously, and I knew calling Iraq "primitive" was like saying "Here, the simple barbaric people of northern France drive the Renaults the Aliens gave them!" Never finished the book.
      My copy's long gone. But if you want to read it, 50 years later it's still in print. And also called The History Channel.

      The Strange World Of Sparks. Fans will love the interview, non-fans have a lot of videos to help them become fans.

      

      To be honest, the actor playing Dolly is not that great. They kind of rush through the last half, maybe because the reopening had begun. And if you've never seen the original,1) it will make less than no sense, and 2) what freak hasn't seen the original?! Are you some kinda FREAK, you freak?!

      

      Never thought I would tear up at a Godzilla scene.

      

8/13

You work in a giant corporate office. The global company's so vast, you're not exactly sure about what every part does. They've got tentacles reaching everywhere.
       There's a new worker in your section. Diligent and focused, but terrible with technology. You make a joke about sending a clueless old client a fax as a text, and he looks at you blankly and asks "What's a fax? Or a text?" like some retard. He's good at what he can do, and he's a big handsome guy so he keeps the ladies from getting in your hair. You're a bit jealous, though you'd never admit it to yourself. You've started to find ways to bring this quiet guy who never talks about his past down a peg.
       You walk to his cubicle. You say, deliberately loudly so anyone can hear, "Hey, Steve! Every time I come here, there's that old pizza box! When you gonna throw that shit out?"
       He says, jokingly, "Every time I throw it, it comes right back!"
       "Yeah, well, the next time I come back I don't want to see it. You know what we say here, Steve!"
       "You say lots of things here. Is it...'Work smarter, not harder'? Again?"
       "Nah, 'A Clean Workspace Means a Clean Mind.'" You take a sip of your coffee, adjust your MAGA hat, and walk away. Steve mumbles something.
       You turn. "Did you say something, Rogers?"
       "Yeah. I said 'You say a lot of things here'. Like--" he reaches for the pizza box and answers in a loud whisper--"Hail Hydra."
       You run down the hall screaming "CODE RED! CODE RED! CODE--" ka-RRANG something hits you in the back of the head.
       Just before you lose consciousness, you see a ripped pizza box flying a few yards ahead. Rogers steps over you and says "21st century, and I'm still fighting fascists. This is why I got a job in Portland." The last thing you smell is the daily tear gas attack from outside...

      See? This is what happens when you don't update for a month, but keep writing and saving links. It just gets outdated, and you end up throwing most of it out like moldy cheese. Fascist stormtroopers pounding Americans for a month? Who cares? 170,000 dead because Jared thought the plague would only kill blue states? Whatever. What's on the teevee? I has toilet papers again!!

      I'm trying to sell my stock in Webster Bank. HOOTERS is open, but the bank lobby isn't, WTF. I tried to make an appointment with a teller who had absolutely had no comprehension of what "I want to sell my Webtser stock" meant. "We don't cut the dividend checks here, they're from a third party." "No, I want to sell my shares." "We don't cut the dividend checks here, they're from a third party." This went on for 5 minutes. (My quarterly check should have been here a month ago, but Trump Hate Bad USPS, so maybe they're getting this a lot)
      I got a call back from a financial guy. "Things are crazy because of the storm!" I thought, what? The storm with a 6-letter, 4-syllable name? My computer rebooted 3 times, big deal. Then I left the house to buy cat food...
      ...at my job. They had power, but they were throwing everything into shopping carts. They have a generator, but only powerful enough to run the lights and registers. I figured they were rushing the carts to refrigerated trucks. They were not, They were rushing to the dumpsters.
      Great feeling to know that all your work for 6 months is going to a landfill.
      So, yeah, kinda busy in the frozen dept for the last week. 3 people to restock a whole dept. Well, maybe 3 people. The dairy manager kinda sucked, so his last day was exactly when the power went off. His last words: "Not my problem." So the frozen manager is also dairy, there's part-time me, and a guy who works when it suits him. On the plus side, he had asked for 3 personal days before this, and they let him take it. Most places would demand he forfeit them. (He also called out sick the day before they were to start, whevs) We had extra help, but they cut that off because we were catching up fast, so they just let us 3--2.5? 1.5?--people do it. Stop&Shop would've been screaming at us. We had managers walking through and saying "You guys are doing amazing!" and they clearly meant it.

      The Great Captain Planet/Hitler Face-off of 1995

       Got my COVID haircut last month. Sister Patty, who'd been working 60 hour weeks since reopening a month ago, asked "How do you want it?" I said "Assume I won't get another for 6 months." I think it's the shortest my hair's been since middle school, when we had that one terrible president. Thank Gourd we'd never have another one as bad as Nixon!
      My hair had gone from "Winter Soldier" to more of
      
      "MY NAME IS KAREN AND I WANT TO SEE YOUR MANAGER NOW! ATTACK THEM, MY HAIR!"

      As CT is one of only 4 states with declining coronavirus cases, I think it's time I did my part!
      WE CAN CATCH UP TO FLORIDA AND TEXAS! CT, STOP WEARING MASKS!
      Notice how that when you wear a mask, people can't see your nose? This is the REAL threat. What if Harry Potter sees you and thinks you're Voldemort? He'd yell all "CAVEAT EMPTOR ERGO PROC HOC LASAGNA" and spell you to death.
      That would be another old one. Today I might say about those bikers in Sturges--guys so manly they don't wear masks, they don't even wear helmets as they squat on their 150MPH bicycles--that the first day's concert that they risked their and everyone around them's lives to see, was Smashmouth. Yeah, put that on my tombstone. "HEY NOW, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, YOU GOT COVID! All that intubulates is g-o-o-o-ld!"

      Okay, not even sure why the following are here anymore. They were good enough when I was planning on writing this, so they must be good now!

      

      You'll tear up at that one.

       21 Ridiculous (and Seriously Problematic) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Figures of the '90s I only sold a few of these in my toy store days, but...they were memorable.

       Something about kittens. Likely super cute! What, am I supposed to edit my own page?

       The Conspiracy Singularity Has Arrived

       Trailer for a movie about Pepe the Frog's unintentional de-evolution from comedy stoner to pro-Nazi symbol. Remember Richard Spencer at that "Many good people on both sides" Nazi rally that Trump praised and ended in murder? He pointed at his Pepe the Frog pin.

      

      POW! HAHAHA! Best part: when he stands back up, he's crying. "You can't do that to the Ma-a-a-ster Ra-a-a-ce! sob" They never caught the puncher, but witnesses said his last name was "Rogers."

      Okay, it's funny, but mainly here for the fact it sys "Connecticut" like 20 times.

      

       Polydactyl: Cats With Extra Toe Beans To Worship

       "It was all just a dream!" Disney Resetting Star Wars; Erasing Last Jedi. I tried twice to watch Rise of Shitlicker, and never will finish it. This is the Last Star Wars for me! (Until season 2 of Mandalorian comes out)

       Steamed a-HAms.

      

       "Useless Facts, Badly Drawn": 33 Random Bits Of Trivia That Are Totally True

      I'll try to post more often. I don't want you guys to think there's been another Sinkcident.

8/24

       Byron managed to somehow stomp on my mouse and make the time/date stamp on the computer to go from one line to 3. I do not know how. It's irritating, my monitor's only 15 inches, so I need that space!
      After a month, he stomped again and reset it to normal. Byron: He puts the IT in kitty!
      This also made my mouse now go "DOODELY-DOOT" any time it went to the edge of the screen. So I guess I have to wait for more stomping.

      DJ likes to be chased. So he provokes his older brother into doing this. Bigfoot Byron's 17 now, and I'll bet you LTRotD just felt more long-timey right now--so he doesn't always rise to the bait. He pretends he'll chase, then sits down when DJ falls for it and runs. I call DJ "Provokemon." "Pick-at-you Pick-at-chu Pick-at-chu!"

      The grocery may not be able to get those Holy Grails of pandemic food (hash brown patties, Friendly's sherbert, and pre-cooked bacon, the STAPLES OF LIFE), but the Meat Dept has a four-foot row, top to bottom, of "chicken paws'. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED A GIANT PACK OF CHICKEN FEET FOR? Scaly, gross, gigantic feet with the toenails on? Does my town have a thriving Santeria community? Are chicken toenails now a food? WHY THESE FEET, why FOUR ROWS of HORROR TOOTSIES

      The public restrooms in the store are literally as far from my department as they can be, assuming there isn't a Port-a-Potty on the roof. Every shift I get "Oh god no" looks from people when I say "It's by the front entrance. A-a-all the way back."
      SHAWT: "Where are the bathrooms?"
      ME: "By the front entrance."
      "Where?"
      "By the front entrance."
      "By the fruits & veggies?!" (looks at the nearby fruit & veggies doors excitedly)
      Yeah, drop your pants and shove your ass into that 10 below zero door and take a dump on the Birdseye. I'll make you clean it off, and I hope you like anal frostbite.

      I was "blocking" (a weird task we do, that makes the dept look unshopped for the hour it takes before customers come through, then it looks like...customers came through, i.e. like shit, I'm kinda lost on why I have to spend 2 hours a shift doing this, but Life Is Absurdity is basically my only motto).
      I was doing this and heard a loud, violent sneeze. I heard two more. I looked up to see a guy, about 3 feet from me, who had who had taken his mask off to sneeze. And not in his elbows. And then he talked to me about something, some product we didn't carry, and all I thought was "I gotta wait 2 weeks before I find out what this guy did or didn't give me." Luckily, the door was open between him and me, but who knows what was floating in the air by his gaping piehole.

9/7

       I said I'd update more often because I didn't want you to think I'd had another Sinkcident. But I waited in a dropped-other-shoe way. I saw my Mom for the first time in 6 months! Masked and 10 feet apart, with me yelling "Air Hug!" without touching. I wanted to wait, because a few days later I was seeing Jessica for the first time in 7 months. But it rained up north, and we were meeting outside. In a graveyard, because Jessica. Maybe next week.
      And then, a shoe didn't drop, a jackboot kicked me in the head! The Sinkcident came back!
      It's been exactly a year since it ended. I got a phone message from my BIL. "You got a call from [inaudbile] Plaza!" Wha? I've only started using my sister as an emergency call number, and why would anybody call them before me? He left another equally confusing and garbled message, something about "Officer Palazzo" (sp?). This resulted in a total of 4 phone calls and 5 emails. It could've been covered by an email that read "The local police have a warrant for your arrest. Call them."
      It was for Crime #53a-211, "Possession of a sawed-off shotgun or silencer." It of course was for the former. The reason I never turned it in was because of--well, all this. It's not for self-defense, it's either a murder weapon or for self-offense, ie suicide. I was told that if I turned myself in, this could move to the next stage. So I did.
      There is no one in the lobby after you pass through the doors that close very loudly. No doubt when they lock, even remotely, they're fucking locked. I picked up the lobby phone to tell them what my issue was, and was told to wait. I read my Kindle (the sign said "No Cellphones" and it isn't one. It was that, or stare at their collection of old-timey handcuffs and batons that likely had bludgeoned someone to death. I would briefly glimpse, on my way to the Booking Basement, a case of what I assume were their most exotic weapons siezures: a pair of Thompson submachine guns. One a WWII model, and the other the iconic M1921 with the round magazine and front grip, seen in many a 1930s gangster movie, aka "the Meat Grinder.". I could've looked at those for a long time)
      I only waited 10 minutes. I was frisked, quite thoroughly (crotch sides), my pockets emptied. Of my 2 sets of keys, I said "There's a small pocket knife on one of them," so he kept that.
      Then, it was really just what you'd expect if you have never been arrested before and turned yourself in. Follow every direction, like "Sit down on this bench" which had giant metal loops on them, and what clearly were what they handcuffed you to. Then many questions. "Where do you work? Do you wear contacts? Where were you born? Do you have any gang affiliations? Do you have all your Original Teeth?" (huh?) Lots of very fast touch typing by the officer, while I just checked out the cinderblock-walled room. Why does their copying machine have a monitor? A sign that read "Have you Flushed the Holding Cell Toilet? MAYBE YOU SHOULD".
      "What is the highest level of education you achieved?"
      "Freshman year college."
      "What was the school?"
      "Oberlin, Ohio."
      He reacted to that. "I'm very familiar with them! Did you live in Ohio?"
      "No, they just looked like a great school. I slacked my way through high school getting A's, but then I had to do real work. That's why it was only one year." I realized that I was breaking my "No small talk" rule, but he was amused.
      The "copier" was a fingerprinting machine. You'd think this would mean 10 scans, 1 for each finger. But it's tips, rolled fingers, upper and lower palms, and the sides of your hands, so 26. "Don't move, let me do the work," but having someone else move your hands is weird. Pro tip: don't watch, you'll just start moving them.
      And then a bunch of form signing. Not having been through this before, I kinda hoped this would end it, but in 6 weeks I have a court date. I was released on a $2500 non-surety bond, meaning I didn't pay anything, and wouldn't unless I was dumb enough not to show up for my trial. That could result in a year in prison and lotsa fines. The trial he said could lead to well, anything. If they decide to prosecute, prison time. If not, it could be "nolled" (pronounced "nollied"), where I just have to keep my nose clean for 13 months and I don't have a record. Since my last brush with the law not involving illegal firearms was a ticket for running a yellow light 12 years ago, I think I can do that. So I think I'll just close my meth lab down for a year. Or it could be dismissed, which is basically the same without the 13 months. My trial is 10/20.
      I'm not super worried. Because I'M WHITE

       How to defend genocidal dictators, serial killers, and other evil people with conservative FACTS and LOGIC

       She WAS a Barbie Girl...

       Man walks like he's in a video game. Funnier than it should be. Note that the other people act lke NPCs.

       "VERILY, WE SHALL STAB THEE IN THE HEAD! LIKE 3 TIMES DUDE!" "Yeah, okay, sure. Whevs." Jess: "#20.....is that some kind of S&M advertisement?"

      For you really, really, REALLY LTRotD: Fourteen Vilainous Brak Memes For The 'Space Ghost' Fans

      Assuming that there is an election, and that he doesn't cancel it, and doesn't try to steal it, and Putin doesn't poison us all, Trump's clearly going to lose. And what will Mr "President until 2032" do then? When the Narcissist Fails should give you an idea. As for the USPS destroying, I got my latest Funny Times last week. But only the week before, I got September's! October's already? It was from June.

      Either you get it or you don't:
      

9/14

       I was annoyed that I can't use my garage, or even the parking lot outside my condo, for 10 days. Then I realized that they were finally addressing a problem we've had for the third of a century I've lived here: the garages flood after heavy rain. This has become a worse problem, thanks to global warming: We either get droughts, or massive storms. The ground is so dry, the lawn doesn't take in the water, it just goes into the garages. Their 2 brilliant strategies thus far: raising the pavement by the garage door by about an inch, which just keeps the water in. The other: long, ugly plastic tubes to direct the water away from the drain spouts, which doesn't do a dang thing. And they only put them in the front spouts, not the ones that lead into...the garages. This is like trying to bail out a flooding boat by drilling a hole in the bottom. There will be more heavy rains: we're only halfway through hurricane season, and they're running out of storm names. They're one away from switching to the letters of the Greek alphabet, which has happened this many times: none. (We now conclude the paragraph that has: too many colons)
      The paving was supposed to be done tomorrow. It clearly won't, despite the massed crew of exactly 2 guys working on it. I asked one of them today, as he was just standing there and the other massed crew was checking his phone. He chuckled at the idea of it being done tomorrow. When? "shrug"
      So I called the Condo Ass and left a message.Oddly, about 10 minutes later, they started working again, and 2 others turned up. Massed Workers Squared! Whenever they finish, it'll be a week before we can park anywhere near our houses. Because the pavement has to "cure." Like sausages? As they say, it's best not watch laws and sausages being made. Or asphalt.

      Trump wins Bay of Pigs Award. "He got an endorsement in 2016 from the Bay of Pigs Veterans Association. It's not an award. He has a long history of turning endorsements and other non-awards into awards." Shit, I think he's earned an award! For being a pigheaded pig. Also, the Bay of Pigs Invasion went about as well as his presidency has.

      Old-timey science fiction and fantasy writers thought that since Venus had clouds, it had swamps, and if it had swamps, it had dinosaurs. I'm unclear on the logic there ("Step One: Clouds. Step Two: ? Step Three: DI-NO-MA-SAURS!")
      In reality, Venus smells like rotten eggs. Not that you'd get a chance to smell it. The atmosphere has the pressure of being at the floor of the ocean, so that you'd be crushed. Not that you'd feel it, because the surface temperature is 900 degrees F. Not that you'd burn, because that smell comes from the fact the air is made of sulphuric acid. Even the rain is acid. As Carl Sagan said, "Venus is Hell."
      But...Scientists Detect Apparent Signature of Life in Venus's Atmosphere. Maybe, maybe not. The chemical detected, as far as can be observed on Earth, only comes from germ farts. "The signal in question is phosphine, which, on Earth, is produced almost exclusively by anaerobic microorganisms, that is, creatures that thrive in oxygen-free environments. This gas, annotated as PH3, is often found in marshes and wetlands and is highly flammable." See? SWAMPS! T. REXES!
      I'd yesterday read an interview about global warming. Asked whether Earth could ever undergo the runaway warming that made Venus hell, the author only said "It's possible." Not "highly unlikely" or any other qualifer. So, we'll all die, but...we get ankylosaurs? I may be missing something here.

      Kitten With Broken Jaw Saved Thanks To A Creative Use Of Buttons

      Let's Talk About Death, Baby...in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Pretty clear at this point that I'll never finish watching that trash compactor of a movie (aka "What an interesting smell you've discovered!" also, "That's no moon! That's a GIANT TURD") I was putting ice cream away the other day, and case of Breyers chocolate/vanilla had Rise of Skywalker packaging. "Dark Side, Light Side," geddit? I thought it odd we'd get that now, and it turns out that their other packages had expiration dates of early 2022. This expires in a month. So, just hangin' round the factory, and they sent it out. We also have some ice cream sandwiches shaped like the Millenium Falcon. These do not sell. I'm not sure about the Star Wars branded hand sanitizers, but at least those have the sense to connect themselves to the Mandalorian. I do not know if we have Yoda-themed baby wipes, but it would make sense if we did.

      Two great tastes that taste great together: Cyriak and Sparks.
      

9/19

       If you've commented in the last month, you might want to check there. I didn't reply, because I didn't know anyone was commenting...

       I had a work dream. These are usually stressful dreams, with the "job" being some amalgram of older jobs. Sure, it's a toy store, but we also have a walk-in beer cooler.
      This one was actually set in my current job, complete with people that work there. Most of my dreams involve people I've never knowingly seen--even if cats are involved, they're not my cats. All I really remember was that a manager got suspended without pay. When I woke up, there was a message on my machine. "Can you come in for 3 or 4 hours? R. got suspended for 3 days." A prophetic dream! Why do they never include the winning Powerball numbers?
      He's the 3rd-shift dairy guy. It was for a no-call/no-show. Jeez, dude, just call in and say you have a dry cough. I thought it was severe for a first offense. Anyone can get their schedule wrong once. I once almost did the opposite, a no-call/yes-show. I was putting on my work clothes and thought, "Wait, I don't work today!"
      But it turned out he was doing all sorts of not-good. Going to lunch 15 minutes after clocking in, taking 2 lunches, slacking off, according to the security tapes. They can only tell that he took 2 lunches if he clocked out, so I don't see the problem. He wasn't getting paid for it. Big deal, I clocked out 15 minutes early on Weds. Because I had to work on my day off the day before. Another frozen guy got called in 2 hours early the same day (but still got 2 days off). The suspension was "You chose to take unpaid time off, so we're hitting you with 3 days of exactly what you wanted!" It's like the rest of the department got punished instead of him.
      I'm supposed to go back to our agreed schedule, 4 days roughly 29 hours a week with 3 days off, when another coworker returns from 3 weeks off. He's in the Army and had to go build testing stations in the Virus-Hell states of the South. He has to quarantine in a tent for 2 weeks--but that could be a lot longer if he's diagnosed with it!

      The next day, my dream was about paleontology. What was the reproductive cycle and mating rituals of a giant extinct terror bird? I found out when a live one suddenly came in the room, and used its beak to french kiss me. Fortunately, so far this has not been a prophetic dream.

      

      

9/23

       Well, that's odd. The Newest had 5 hits in 45 minutes, from very different places than usually come here. No LTRotD, and certainly not The Fifteen (who are the same people--HI, The Fifteen LTRotD!). They were from Oregon, London, Tokyo, Rio. That's a lot of time zones for 45 minutes. My first thought was "Someone posted the InExOb again." But they were from "(No referring link)", whatever that means. "thoughtviper.com" is of course from the Newest link on the main page. (Although you don't have to go from there--here will lead you to the top of The Newest, and this will take you to the latest entry)
      My statcounter used to show Google searches, but it doesn't now. So I Googled (actually, Bing-ed, in case I needed their superior image search) "thoughtviper.com". And saw "top video search for" this page. A...video? I couldn't make a Youtube if I sawed off a shotgun and put it into my mouth! (too soon?) And here it is:

      

      Yep. That InExOb. It mentioned that a website said it was called the Bob Semple tank, "so that everyone knew who to blame." Which is my line, but it didn't identify me. I thought "Maybe in the comments for the Yube?" (all the kids today call it the Yube). Nope. So...how did it know it was me?
      Just because of the BS tank? Which, face it, is what it shoulda been named. I still believe that I, and I alone, brought the BS tank back from obscurity. It was in a slab of a book I bought for like $5 about *EVERY* WW2 tank. When writing the original post, I Googled it (or, more likely as this was 20 years ago, Yahooed or or Alta Vistaed or AskJeevesed), and there was nothing but an acknowledgement that there once was a Semple, a man name o' Bob. For the next decade, the only pictures was of the one I used, complete with caption. Am I somehow that identified with the world's shittiest tank?
      The video is entertaining, if long at 13 minutes. If it was narrated instead of text, it would've been less than half that length. But it has a lot of goofy pics and WTF Facts about Bob's Your Lousy Uncle. 12 feet tall! Couldn't put a cannon on it, because the recoil would cause it to fall apart! Crew of EIGHT! Neccessary equipment: A mattress.
      So, the hits didn't come from there. I checked the InExOb for recent searches, and found nothing newer than one from 2012. Which I will link to, because it's the nicest review that old thing ever got. I got a chuckle from this line:"With the advent of the Internet, Bill was able to share his obsession with the world, along with a witty commentary rarely to be equalled. The website is simplistic in the manner you'd expect from its era, but this is joy that doesn't need to be muddied by frills and whistles (thank goodness, we are not treated to 8-bit Greensleeves)."

      And then I finally figured it out. This has been happening for so long, I don't know why it wasn't my second thought: that one post I never deleted the hit counter from, New98 in 2009. In a sane world, you'd think it was because it started with DJ's homecoming! But, no, it's from when I was making mock of facsist cartoonist Chuck "Upchuck Asswipe" Asay, and a cartoon of his about Obama had me referencing the Völkischer Beobachter. This "news"paper was to the Nazis what Fox "News" is to the modern GOP. That must be why I suddenly got those 6 hits. They weren't for the page you're reading now at all. Just clowns who think Obama was the REAL Nazi.

      Second dumbest phone scam ever: (robot voice) "You have a purchase of $799.99 on Amazon, on your checking account paid by your plastic card. If this is correct, do nothing. If this is wrong, pres1 now..." Can't fool me! My card isn't plastic, it's a live platypus! Yes, it fits poorly in my wallet, but, you know, free eggs!
      First worst: going my last job at the likker store. I went in to panic. The other employees were a not net savvy older lady, and the college educated 25 year old Son of Boss. "The power company called! They're going to cut off our electricity in TWO HOURS unless we pay them!"
      Yeah, riiight, thought I. "Pay them what?"
      "$250 in Amazon gift cards!"
      "Uh-huh. Did you try calling the actual power company?"
      "Uh...no. I guess I should."
      So if you've ever wondered how people can be so gullible as to fall for flat-out obvious cons...

      Speaking of which, 30 Bartenders And Liquor Store Employees Share Their Funniest Stories Of Teenagers Trying To Buy Booze. My second day in a boozeteria: "I must've left my ID in my other pants!" and clearly expecting that to work. Me, deadpan: "Better go home and put on your other pants then." I'll never forget the confidence on his face as he prepared the Perfect Crime, and the crestfallen look when I somehow saw through his clever ruse.

      WARNING: Not just politics, but a series of pessimistic nightmare scenarios:A wargame designer defines our four possible civil wars. Not a fun read, but maybe a required one..

9/30

       Well, I made the mistake of tuning into the "debate" last night. I came in with all 3 screaming at each other. Then Biden just shrugged and stopped, while Trump and the moderater shrieked. Well, thought a person who is me, this is all it'll be, just Prump screaming. 15 minutes in, and for the first time ever, Prump wasn't orange, he was beet red from inchoate anger. He retained this shade of toddler the entire debate. At least as much of it as I saw, because fuck this noise. Every time I tried to watch, it was just the Bloated Tomatoface screaming "I WANNA EASTER EGG!" (as seen in this documentary strarring a Mr B. Bunny. At 4 minutes, the Fudd looks like Prump. Are you sittin' on a tack or sumtin'?)
      I checked in a couple more times, and it was just "Biden smiling, Prump screaming, Wallace screaming back," so why bother? I knew Biden wouldn't set the world on fire, but all Prump had to do was not set anything more on fire, and NICE JOB HEINIOUSLY LOSING, human embodiment of a rancid fart. I liked that second I saw Prump barfing through his rabies foam "The MEDIA loves you and hates me!" Yeah. Remember when Hillary stumbled getting off a plane, and the Media spent 6 weeks screaming "Does she have PARKINSON'S?!?!?" And then Prump was raced to the hospital via a caravan of SUVs, and said "He was just getting the first half of his yearly physical, just as all exactly nobody does" and the Liberal Media...just dropped it? Until a few months ago, when Prezdint Burst Blood Vessel ranted about how "The liberal media says it was a series of microstrokes, and that's FAKE NEWS!" Um, actually, no one said "it was a series of microstrokes" except for that one guy. Who was you, saying it just now. And the subject was just ignored, again. For further context, one inauguration Michelle Obama cut her bangs, and the "liberal media" wouldn't shut the fuck up about it for 3 days.
      "Biden said the wrong word" gets more attention than "manifestly insane person tells Americans to die of disease while encouraging them to murder other Americans"--meh, it's not like Prump wore a tan suit once!
      (n.b: He referred to himself as
"President Prump" at a rally, but Biden's the one who makes verbal mistakes, like--GETTING HIS OWN FUCKING NAME WORNGS)
      Wow, they're really going with the Karl Rove "Attack them with what you're guilty of" idea, huh? Someone apparently forgot to lock Guiliani's crypt and he crawled out, screamed "THE SUN IT BURNS!" and went to Fox to necrotisizingly yell "BIDEN TAKES DRUGS! HE SNORTS CRUSHED ADDERALL!" That is a a surprisingly specific accusation. Everyone who worked on The Apprentice has said that sniff say that Prump sniff did exactly that. Expect Rudy to next howl at the moon "AND BIDEN HATES GARLIC AND CAN'T BE SEEN IN MIRRORS! NOT LIKE ME!!"

       Joke I came up with as a kid, probably alongside every other little kid, about afternoon TV shows: "They meet on The Dating Game, go to The Newlywed Show, then end up on Divorce Court."
      Divorce Court, the game: 11 baffling TV-to-board-game adaptations.
      I have a bunch of board games from that era. Obviously, this one:
      
      But I also had its progenitor, The Six Million Dollar Man. I just checked, and I mean just now, because I never really looked at it. The Bionic Woman game looks like it could be fun, but the male one is just another "race" game. The archetype of which is Candyland, a game in which strategy is very important: How can you subtly lose the game so the 5 year old nephew or niece wins and doesn't start screaming their way to the presidency? In 6 Million Dollar Man Who Only Paid $750 in Taxes, there are 2 to 6 bionic men, but ONLY ONE IS REAL and WTF does that mean? The game doesn't even say "One is Maskatron!" and I only know enough about this show that insulted my intelligence at 12, which is not an age when you actually are intelligent, but there was a bad guy named Maskatron! He wore masks and...Tronned? How the fuck should I know. You just collect Power Cards and Candyland around a bland map, but you can FIGHT!! if you land on the same spot as another Bionic Mr. Farrah Fawcett, and this tense battle is resolved by...seeing who rolls a higher dice number? You can't use the Power Cards? What if I end up in the Molasses Swamp, or have to Not Pass Go Collect $200? I just have to...look, the $6M game is now under the Bionic Woman one, what am I supposed to do, pick it up and move it, I'm not made of time here.
      Now BW looks like there's actual gameplay! You can travel by car (slow), helicopter (faster, unless you land too far for a car), plane (you need to land at an airport, and THEN get a car, so fuck that). While $6M has only 4 scenarios as it's just a race game, and OKAY, I'm picking the box up NOW, stop YELLING at me, "Steve rescues stranded astronaut" by tackling him in orbit, "Steve prevents nuclear blackmail attempt" with a screwdriver, "Steve knocks out international crime ring" literally, by busting though a brick wall and screaming "OH YEAH!!" like the Kool-Aid Six Million Dollar Jug, and "Steve locates underwater missile network" by getting caught in a fishing net, GOOD WORK STEVEY.
      Bionic Woman has a series of adventure cards, each worth 10-30 points after completion. You can increase the point total by "using your powers," look, I ain't reading some 1976 game's rules that closely. Sample adventures, in the order they're stacked here: ATTEMPTED THEFT OF VITAL MEDICINE! You fight Mitch McConnell I assume. GUNRUNNERS! You fight Wayne laPierre? This is strangely relevant! RAIN THREATENS BRIDGE! which Jaime defeats with her ear. TRAIN WRECK! Jaime rescues...Jaime, that guy's back is broken in like 3 places, maybe not lug him around like he's a bag of groceries. KIDNAP ATTEMPT! Holy fuck, glad I'm not THAT guy! (These all have little, and sometimes remarkably violent, pictures. I hope that he wasn't planning on using his jaw for the rest of his short life) SCHOOL BUS FAILURE! Jaime don't give a shit, she's just normal walking. This card is only worth 10 points, fuck those first graders. HIKERS LOST IN MOUNTAINS! Jaime saves them with ears again. That's worth 20 points? CHILD TRAPPED ON CLIFFSIDE! Jaime--pronounced "Jamie" for those who never wasted 15 minutes of their life on this show--saves him with speed and strength. 30 fucking points, and WITHOUT EAR POWERS! CIRCUS ANIMALS ESCAPE! Jaime kills them. Seriously, there's no way that lion will survive. Fuck all the you, Jaime! 10 points to make the ASPCA hate you; so not worth it. DAM BREAK THREATENS! Jaime uses speed to warn residents while...wearing...fuck, Jaime, is that a gimp suit? The fuck, Jaime?! RANGER HURT IN WOODS! Wish I could show you this card, because Ranger Rick here is totally checking out Jaime's caboose, and she's drawn like she ain't wearing no dang pants. "RANGER FALLS INTO ASSCRACK" more like. EQUIPMENT FAILURE AT HOSPITAL! Jaime saves a child's life, and sure has one busy schedule. Where's JAIME FINALLY GETS A GODDAMN DAY OFF!? CHILDREN'S SAILBOAT SINKS! Jaime swims with bionic speed to save 2 little boys, card is worth 10 points, so if she lets one them drown, eh, what's 5 points? ROCKSLIDE PINS RANCHER! Jaime frees him, 30 points. WTF is so special about this guy? Did he invent Ranch dressing or some shit? ATTEMPTED PLANE HIJACKING! Jaime crashes plane into field not Pentagon. UFO SPOTTED! Jaime reveals hoax. Oh yeah Jaime! She might have been tipped of by the fact that the "UFO" is depicted as a giant USB cable. FOREST FIRE! Jaime alerts firefighters, then don't do shit. The prisoners can take it from here! KILLER COUGAR ENDANGERS LIVESTOCK! Jaime spends $50 on drinks for her, and doesn't even get laid. BOMB HIDDEN IN FACTORY! Jaime fight with Ear!! Much Ear Power is in Bionic Woman!! AVALANCHE WARNINGS! Jaime Speeds! Jaime Meths! Jaime snort Adderall! Why do you come at Rudy with a wooden stake?! STEVE AUSTIN ASSISTS because, girls, right?! SHARK WARNINGS AT BEACH! Who cares, also: game made in 1976. Jaime will next fight a War of Star. SCUBA TRAINING ASSIGNMENT. Sorry, we did not give Jaime this in the previous sharky mission. Jaime is drowned. CHILDREN TRAPPED IN CAVE! Jaime saves wth Ear. Why TV show have so much Ear? MYSTERIOUS INTRUDER AT CAMPSITE! Jaime investigates giant foot print. Could be from the Sasquatch named--BIGEAR? SAILBOAT LOST IN FOG! Jaime pinpoints couple in zero visibility. Does she use Ear? She use Ear, I bet! 30 points for latest Ear job! RESCUE MURDER WITNESS! Jaime foils hit men. Jaime sends hit men head soaring like into the next town. Maybe this is the murder being witness! ART FORGERIES! Jaime eavesdrops on forgers, but can only Ear half of converation--is about VAN GOGH painting! HAHHAHA writer starting to mind lose!! REFINERY FIRE! Jaime hurls explosives says "THIS IS FINE" while sitting like the dog in a hat in that comic strip OH GOD HOW MANY FUCKING CARDS ARE THERE?! PERIL IN THE SKY! Balloon in trouble near airport. Wait--balloon in trouble? Near AIRPORT? 30 POINTS?! BALLOON IN TROUBLE, CALL STEVE FUCKING AUSTIN, it is BAAAA-LLOOOOOOn. Hahaha! Next card is, yes, STEVE AUSTIN ASSISTS. "Another balloon catastrophe averted by our combined powers of bionics!" BANK ROBBERY! 10 points, because it's not like they're robbing a blimp. DIAMOND SMUGGLING! Is it on a zeppelin? Don't come crying to me with your non-balloon related crimes. SURVIVAL TRAINING ASSIGNMENT! Jaime assists. Blood-curdling assisting action! Also, again Jaime appears to not wear pants. HELICOPTER DOWN IN WOODS! For this she wears pants, which is quite sensible. Always wear pants to helicopter rescues. EMERGENCY VACCINE RUSHED TO VICTIM! Yes! Something we can all relate to! What, 10 points? It's worth 10 damn points?! Oh, it's that fake vaccine Tomato Face is going to rush out the day before the election, right? SABOTAGE ATTEMPT ON US SUB! Jaime becomes a double agent. Oops, I was wrong, it's the vaccine that Putin is pretending works. ATTEMPTED THEFT OF VITAL MEDICINE--Oh, wait, here's where we came in.
      Well, THAT was not what I set out to do. Now I have to look at some of my other TV board games of yesteryear, such as Bermuda Triangle, Marlin Perkins Wild Kingdom, and the no-doubt non-stop thrill ride implied in the title "Emily Post Popularity Game, a Game of Etiquette for Girls." In which we are guaranteed "to 'Win a circle of friends'" in the year of our lord 1970. The cover shows 5 Nixon-era influencers about half a second after being told "Three of you have the VD!"
      If you were playing a superhero game, would you pick the power "Ear"?

10/7

       I got a letter from the court Monday. I assumed that it would be details of my upcoming auto-de-fe, and wondered why it was dated 12/01/2020, but that's when the moved the date of it to. And I say "it," because I don't know if this a trial, a preliminary hearing, or if I have to fight a bear in a pit. It only refers to it as "The above entitled action." The fact that they've pushed it back after waiting a year and putting me on a non-surety bond indicates that it might not be that big a deal. I'm going in wearing dress clothes and tie, and not a "FUCK DA POLICE" shirt, because I'm not that confident.
      *shrug* Kinda wish this was happening in 2 weeks just to get this (hopefully) behind me.
      My sister Sue, who works in a lawyer's office and is married to him, said: "It's just an arraignment where they'll ask you if you understand the charge. My guess is it'll be your only appearance. The public defender will tell the judge that you're a first time offender blah blah blah. And they'll slap you on the wrist. The courts are so backed up, they won't want to waste their time on continuing this. They have way bigger fish to fry."

      A Word A Day had a word for a day, and it was "Gremlin." Mainly connected to the word "Gizmo" these days, it was originally a joking reference to little critters that caused malfunctions in airplanes. I commented:
      This bizarre 1944 Looney Tune was originally titled after its song, "Gremlins from the Kremlin." It involves a Nazi air raid on WWII Moscow, led by that insane, screaming, incoherent sociopath with weird hair and orange-toned skin. No, the OTHER one. It's funny, and certainly...interesting. The more human looking Gremlins are caricatures of the Looney Tunes staff, apparently all wanting some participation in beating up that fascist loudmouth.

      Screen to table: 9 board game adaptations of vintage video games. The Tetris one actually makes a kind of sense, while the rest are marketing concepts in search of games that end up as gizmos. Not unlike the first of today's collection of Bill's boardgames, so I can get these things back in the closet and forget about them, "Bermuda Triangle: Sinister Mystery Cloud Swallows Ships." "OBJECT: Avoid Mystery Cloud While Delivering Cargo." Whoa man, deliver cargo?! Including lumber? Shit, man, this sounds too intense for me! I stress out going to Home Depot!
      The Bermuda Triangle is an unsolved mystery dating back to the 50s that nobody has cared about since 1975, when this game was pooped out. (Is there a "Pet Rock: The Game"? I bet there's a "Pet Rock: The Game") It's sooo mysterious, because back then people didn't know that at sea, things sink! (We're currently living through the biggest piece of bullshit in American history, so wait for "Q-Anon: The Game of Civil War") It's a big plastic cloud, apparently of Mystery, that wanders around and uses magnets to pick up your also magneted banana boats. (Lumber AND bananas?! SO CRAZY) It steals them, or bumps them around, because the Triangle was most famous for misplacing stuff, like socks and car keys. 75% of the rules just explain moving the Mystery Cloud so that no one cheats and Who cares? Oh no, I lost my lumber to this giant fart!

      BANG!

      *ping*

      That would be the sounds of a transformer exploding and my computer resetting during a rainy windstorm, erasing everything I had typed, right up to that last sentence. Not a joke; I had to retype everything just now. DO NOT MOCK MYSTERY FART

      And now, that which you have been waiting for, "Emily Post Popularity Game, a Game of Etiquette for Girls"! Emily Post herself gives the intro to this game (for girls) in 1970, although she lived from October 27, 1872 to September 25, 1960, thus making her perfect for giving information to modern kids who can't read calendars. I got this (99 cents) at the SalvArmy, expecting something that could be an InExOb. I failed. There are 17 pie-slice shaped cardboard pieces of people, half of them lady girls and half male serial killers (including, no joke, "DON" who has weird hair), one piece of hand-cut lined notebook paper which I guess was some house rule for the owner, and The Dog. The goal of the game is got get rid of the Dog. This is not explained. The one friend you decided you didn't like because the cool kids didn't? Thanks for the social stigmatizing, Dead Emily!
      You draw Emily Post Cards that are...Christ, they're no Bionic Woman Mission Cards.The most interesting thing is that, given the stains, at some 12 year old's pajama party they clearly served pizza. Chosen at random: "GOOD ETIQUETTE: PARTY Your beach party was a hit because of the time you spent getting the work done so that everyone had what they wanted without going up to the house." Ideal advice for people who have beachside houses. Class-System much, Emily's Corpse? "GOOD EQ: DATE You introduced your date to your parents and started a pleasant conversation that made everyone" PUKE THEIR GUTS OUT. "POOR EQ: PARTY You were unable to control the noise and received complaints from sleepy neighbors." "You neglected to tell some of your friends that this was an informal party and some of them were over-dressed." "THIS IS A BONUS CARD The piece of of silverware farthest from the plate is the one used first unless a special implement is brought with the first course." Is it a flamethrower? It'd better be that or a sack of grenades, because I know what I'm bringing. I'll say "So I'm the dog? At least I'm not a DEAD dog!" and BANG! *ping* go Fred and Ginny and Jane and especially Don and also slice of lined notebook paper!!
      Marlin Perkins' Wild Kingdom we will get to another time. It looks like a very progressive version on Monopoly. From 1977, which is a very early time to refer to players as "s/he."

       Creepy Gospel LP Covers, most of which I haven't seen before.

      Nostalgia is a Luxury

       Public Service Announcement: The Greater Good network is a free thing you can click on to donate to causes as diverse as cancer, hunger, animals, and Alzheimers. It used to be daily donations, but when The Thing happened, it went to 4 times a day. Currently, you can donate--again, for FREE--every 3 hours. It costs nothing, and makes the world better, one single click at a time. Alternately, you can do nothing but put on your spray tan and aid and abet evil. Your call, really.

10/17

       My work schedule was perfect. Four 1 to 8 PM days, 3 off, 28 hours. The "3 days off" agreement never seemed to last more than 3 weeks at a time, but now I have it (at least until the holidays). Then my hours got cut to 24, then 20, then four 4 hour days, which is A) the legally lowest amount of hours they can schedule you for a shift, and B) barely worth even the 5 mile roundtrip's gas. It wasn't me; it was every part timer. The full timers weren't happy either, as now they had work harder to keep up.
      Most annoying was that it wasn't, say, 1 to 5, it was 4 to 8. Four PM is a long time to sit around waiting to go to work. I was bored mindless waiting on Tuesday, went in during a damn downpour, and...couldn't punch in. They'd changed my schedule so I had that day off. I know what the schedule said; it was burned into my memory because it made me mad. And the font it's printed in is insanely tiny, so the first thing you see is when you're off. I thought people would take pics of it with their phones just to blow it up so that they could read it, but maybe it's because it can get changed randomly. It could've been changed so that my day off was now a day on, and I'd be a no-call/no-show. If they'd switched my day off to Thursday, I just would've said No, I have plans. And my monthly expenses are only about a grand, but $640 net isn't a grand. Of course I'd just spent money on nonessentials, like a few CDs, and I'm about to on a real essential, new glasses. I'd also spent $70 on new dress shoes for my day in court. Ratty Converses weren't going to cut it. (Actually, they are Converses, just all black so that at a distance they look like dress shoes)
      But Tuesday I got a call from work, asking me to come in. At 10 PM, are they nuts? My immediate boss had just got a text. When I called back, he said "J. had a house fire." "WHAT?! Is everyone okay?!" "It was only a text, I don't know." J. is only 21, and his house has 3 generations living in it, as he just got a newborn nephew.
      Fortunately, it was not terrible. "Our circuit breaker is now just a melted slab of metal," and they lost everything in their basement. Sucks to lose anything, but if it's in the basement, it's probably not essential. They're all living in 3 rooms in a motel, paid for by their landlord's insurance. Their dog is with them. "I haven't seen my cats in days." Me: "WHAT?!" "They're with my sister. One's cool with it, the other attacks anything that moves."
      I went in early the next day. Apparently the store asst manager suggested that "J. can come in without his uniform, I'm sure he wants to get away from all that!" Dude, he already called out. A housefire is traumatic. Is no uniform okay, because you thought it was burned to a cinder? The reason I paid off my 30 year mortgage in 23 years is because homelessness is one of my 2 greatest fears.
      I would have refused to work Thursday for a good reason: I finally got to see Jessica, for the first time in 8 months and after 2 postponements. In the last one, her husband changed jobs, which meant her insurance changed, which meant an inevitable fight with CVS over her Class 1 Narcotic narcolepsy meds. She's locked into CVS because of the Gummint. She spent a "week from Hell" trying to get her meds. CVS kindly said that she could pay out of pocket, and then they'd reimburse her. "That's what you said the last time this happened! I had to pay $2500 for 10 days, and then you refused to reimburse me!" So she went from 2 doses a day to 1. I asked if she was sleeping 16 hours a day, and she said the only way she could barely function was being stoned all the time (legal in her state). Which she did not enjoy, as she couldn't even drive. She described what happens when she's unmedicated, and I can't even remember all the symptoms, although ironically "can't sleep" is one. Twice she said "It makes me want to tear my skin off," and I sure remembered that, and the way she said it.
      But we made it. I'm glad I was masked, so that she didn't see my jaw drop and say "Holy shit!" when she exited her car. She gained some quarantine weight. All the weight she gains goes straight to her shirt. She could go on Halloween as a different Jessica, the one surnamed Rabbit.
      It was very windy, but beautiful. Likely the last day of the year that beautiful. (Maybe too beautiful; the sun was in my eyes the whole ride home, and I missed a turn and drove 5 minutes the wrong way) As usual, we were in Putnam junk shopping. Unsurprisingly, stores had closed since The Thing happened. Surprisingly, some were new. We shopped the big store. The only thing I was interested in was a tiny white cat in a basket figure, but I already owned it. She was searching for a pedestal ashtray and a vintage Zippo lighter as a gift for her husband. About 25 years ago, you could get ashtrays pretty easily at the SalvArmy, as people stopped smoking (or were dead from it). She found a Zippo, but said "I'm not getting him one engraved 'Lisa'." She bought maybe 6 cheap things, Disney records, a dead Mickey Mouse watch, and cat themed books. I saw a garden claw tool that someone had tagged "Trump Hand Cultivator". I said "Nah, too big to be his."
      This visit's theme: fucking swastikas. Everywhere! Well, one does have to accessorize with the red hat when you go to the Trump rally.
      One clerk rang her up and just talked and talked. His female coworker rolled her eyes at him. Kinda got the feeling this was a thing he did around customers of a Jessica type.
      She's always been a very liberal feminist, but also usually disinterested in politics. That has changed. Her mask had a cartoon kitty and read "Cats Against Trump". Unfortunately, every time she talked, it instantly exposed her nose. She rarely goes out now, as she falls into the immuno-compromised category, and rarely talks when she does. She said "I think it's because my chin sticks out further than my nose. Your mask hangs looser because your nose is so big." THANKS JESSIE.
      She mentioned that the main thing she does outside her house is grocery shopping. She otherwise does gardening, and power-washed her house. I say this just because "I got bored, so I power-washed my house" is about the most Jessica thing ever. Except, possibly, "I power-washed the cemetary."
      Sensibly nervous about eating inside a restaurant, we got takeout and ate outside. I put my messy bacon bleu cheese burger to my face before realizing my mask was still on. (Why are masks such a burden to stupid people? Do they not wear pants? "My rights as an American are being infringed by not being allowed to walk around with my dick hangin' out!") A younger guy in mirrored shades walked by us, went to the end of the building, where literally nothing was, not even windows, and instantly walked back. Given the angle of where his gaze was each pass, I'm pretty sure he was not checking out how far Jessie's chin was sticking out.
      She complained about her mask making her lips dry, and put on some lip balm. Then, she offered me some. It wasn't until later that I thought "Sharing lip balm, NOW?"
      My other greatest fear? Going to jail for some bullhit reason. OH BOY, IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER, MAYBE I CAN SCRATCH THAT ONE OFF MY BUCKET LIST SOON

      The second-worst fast-food commercial in history

      

      

10/26

       I went to Wal-Mart for an eye exam, as JCPenney doesn't have an optical department and Sears doesn't exist. They should've put "appointment only" on their website. I made an appointment after I left, and the place was shuttered when I came back for it. Turns out that it closes down for lunch, 130 to 230. (Turns out that Walgreens does the same when I went for a flu shot. Having run a Rite Aid I know that state law says that the pharmacy can't be open without a pharmicist--in fact, back then even the retail part of the store couldn't open, so it's not just some rule places with "Wal" in their name have) But they opened right at my time.
      After a lot of hygiene, I saw the optometrist or ophthalmologist, I don't remember. "Eyeball Person." He told me to cover my left eye and do the vision chart. He flipped through the cards really fast, then said "Wow, you really do need a new prescription!" After more tests, he used a different Eyeball Machine on me, and said "You need cataract surgery!" in the same excited tone as a game show host saying "IT'S A NEW CAR!!" Does he get a cut of the profits when they cut my Eyeball?
      I also had to decontaminate to go the library to pick up a pair of Swing Out Sister CDs (remember them?). They used the stinkiest hand sanitizer ever. I put the tiniest blob on, and had to roll the windows down on the drive home. Multiple handwashings didn't get rid of the stank; the next day the car still reeked of it. Well, that's a way to get people to wash their hands, I guess.
      Signs passed on the way there: A picture of cheezy blond wig and the word "NOPE". And "Presidents come and go, but WU-TANG CLAN is FOREVER". Face it, they couldn't be a worse president.

      How Did The 'Dilbert' Guy's Brain Melt?

      I have to admit I didn't smile once at Supermarket Workers Reveal 40 Things They Absolutely Hate That Customers Do. It's not funny because it's true!

      

      (At least that's trying to be absurd--what the hell is this? Sarah Palin still exists? "This is--MY house!' "THIS--is my HOUSE!")

       Remember that kid whose family remade Pee-Wee's Big Adventure? Here's the sequel. Scream Real Loud!

      

10/30

      

      "Gremlins going to mess up every cassette
      From London to Idaho"
      Tim Curry's Gloriously Bad Halloween Song From The Worst Witch: A Scholarly Analysis "While it's perplexing to consider the possibility that gremlins' sphere of influence reaches America's "Gem State" and proceeds no further, there is no science to back this assertion up (as of yet)."

       "Hell All Your Family"--Bad Translations

11/2

       If, like me, you voted early but are wondering if you should go to the polls and check anyway: How To Check If Your Vote Was Counted. My vote was counted 10/3.
      Prediction: intimidation and violence at the polls, while the cops watch and eat donuts. Trump declares victory at 8PM Pacific time, says any other results are rigged. Calls on the GOP-packed Supreme Court to invalidate the election by Weds morning. Dems struggle with their fight-or-flight response. And don't fight. Dictatorship for Life results.
      Or not. But there's no way that fat fuckface is going to leave without an escort by tanks. Good thing the Secret Service hates his Big Mac choked guts.
      "So you can deny gravity, but when you jump out of a window, gravity is gonna win. And that's where the Republican party is at." --GOP strategist Stuart Stevens

11/9

      Interesting work question from a customer: "Do you have those things, I don't know what they're called--they're like nibbles that you eat with your mouth?...So--no idea?"
      Um--everything? Theoretically, you could nibble the Tupperware and the rat poison we sell. I wouldn't recommend it.

      Well, I was (thankfully) wrong about any violence (SO FAR), but I did peg the election's aftermath. Not that it was hard to do. But I didn't expect even that semi-sentient sack of baboon poop to flat out say "STOP COUNTING THE VOTES except where I'm ahead!" but he always says the quiet part like a foghorn. He's a big whiny-ass titty baby whose first and only response to anything that doesn't go 100% of his way 100% of the time 100% right now! is "TRUMP SUE!" Because that's worked so well for him in the past, and nothing breeds success like eternal and utter failure.
      As for now, he's going to shriek incoherently until 1/20, probably eventually claiming that because he didn't "concede" that means he won. Let's hope he doesn't go full Adolph and when it finally hits his drug-addled remaining brain cells that he's a loser--A BIG DUMB STUPID UGLY LOUCHE DOUCHE LOSER WITH BAD HAIR AND SUPER WEIRD SKIN (throwing that in there just in case he reads this)--and try to take the whole country with him. I mean, he will, passing out pardons to thugs and his inbred family and gutting every law that the 1% doesn't like. I thought that maybe the GOP wouldn't want to hitch their wagon to Trump's anchor, but then they'd piss off his shambling zombie horde of a base and they might vote against them. His 2 biggest toelickers are Cruz and Graham, whom he hates. I guess their parents didn't like them either?
      (Best line of the campaign, from Obama on Trump's superspreader Nazi rallies: "Did no one come to his birthday party when he was a kid?")
      He's already said that he'll "go out kicking and screaming!" which he probably does after taking a shit. Plus side: The generals hate him, the intelligence services hate him, apparently the fucking Secret Service hates him. Charged with defending the POTUS to the end, he likely just screamed "GET ME A DIET COKE, YOU ASSHOLE! THAT'S WHAT I PAY YOU FOR!" Good forward thinking, Benito. They probably already have picked out the perfect lamppost.

      They declared that there would be a major press conference at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia. In a move straight out of Not Always Right, the high-end hotel said "We don't have a booking in that name." (You can read about it on Crooks & Liars, but if you know the story, just scroll to the bottom and watch the 40 second video) "NO," said the most stable geniuses ever, "We meant Philly's Four Seasons Landscaping!" And they had their big presser in the back of some run-down, janky-ass early 60s industrial park. In between the crematorium and the "adult book store." We now have the ultimate apotheosis of the last 4 years: Trumpster caught between porn stars and massive death.

      A short poem about this: Total Landscaping: A Masque

      Long-ish but very worth it: And Now, Some More General Thoughts on the 2020 Election. It's Scalzi, so of course it's worth it.

       There is a hotline to Trump that you can call if you suspect voter fraud. The number is 1-888-630-1776. Do NOT call without good reason! Again, that number is 1-888-630-1776.
      I called and it went to voice mail. I said "This election is an obvious FRAUD, caused by fraud that is obvious. Dewey WON the election. Truman will NEVER be my president, and history will clearly bear this out! Thank You." Glad I didn't waste their time.

      Play us off, maestro!
      

      

11/16

       As Patty cut my hair for my arraignment, she said "2020 is probably the best year not to have Thanksgiving," refering to getting together with the Trump fans in the family.
      As for the Trial of the Century: It's been postponed AGAIN. I'm never going to be on America's Most Wanted at this rate! I asked my lawyerly sister "If this can gets kicked down the road long enough, do they just give up and dismiss the charges? I can't afford to keep renting my getaway white Bronco." She replied "Who knows. They will be so backed up, it'll take years to catch up. My guess is they will have to dismiss the easy things. It's not like criminals have taken a covid break so every day more and more get added to the backlog. Enjoy the stay of execution!"
      I was all set to buy a belt for my appearance. I've already spent $70 on this recurring non-event in the way of dress shoes. Wearing ratty Converses would clash with my "FUCK DA POLICE" tshirt. They're really not dress shoes, just non-ratty Converses. All black, even the laces, so they look like dress shoes if you don't look hard. I decided to wait on the belt, and the next day I got the letter saying that it's now 1/20. Last time they pushed it 6 weeks ahead, now it's 8. Why they just don't rush it through in a 5 minute appearance, I dunno. If they postpone again, they should just drop the damn charges.

      So, how about that coup? "May you be cursed to live in interesting times," amirite? Nice gutting of the defense dept. Like those generals, all "suckers and losers" of course, are going to do anything for him except open the White House gates from outside with a tank to take him for a frogwalk. The intelligence agencies hate him, and also the Secret Service. Maybe Hannity will burst into Congress like Rambo and save Benito the Cheeto's bloated ass. I suppose there could be some malarkey with the GOP appointing stooge electors (or not). None of them are denouncing Stump, but none of them seem very eager to jump in front of the steamroller either. Want to bet he doesn't even go to the Inauguration, while rocking himself on the Oval Floor hugging an empty KFC bucket and sobbing "MINE WAS THE BIGGEST EVER!" "12:01 on January 20th," a Secret Service agent will say. "Time to go, fuckface. I get to call you fuckface now."

      3 Foster Kittens Make Dream Come True for Woman's Last Birthday. No, you're the one with something in your eye.

      Thought for the day: "Your future self is looking at you right now through memories"--Madimoiselle

      No reason. Just 2003:
      
      

11/27

       I've been too (not remotely) busy to post here, so it's not from laziness! (It very much is)
      I had Thanksgiving with my Mom, who made a delicious meal that she continually denigrated. I like to say "I was raised Irish Catholic, but I got better," but the "I have to be better than perfect or I'm going to HELL" thinking never really goes away. Yes, the turkey was a mite salty, but she'd brined it. Everything was made from scratch except the Green Giant niblets: turkey, cranberry relish, mashed potatoes, pan-seared Brussel sprouts, pumpkin pie--oh wait, I didn't have enough room for her cranberry bread, let me go get some--damn, this is awesome! Mom can cook is all I'm saying.
      (comes back with another slice of bread) Her washing machine died. It took her apartment complex 3 weeks to do nothing. She researched it, and found that if they don't get an appliance fixed in 4 weeks, the state gets involved. She was waiting until the complaint phone line opened at 9AM on day 28, when at 830 the doorbell rang. It was the contractor to fix it! Or, as she said, "The Three Stooges minus one." The young apprentice kept reminding the alleged boss "Aren't we supposed to do X before we do Y?" "Oh. Right." The washer was from 2004, so you'd think they'd just replace it, but no, cheap people gotta cheap, so they replaced bits of it. This involved taking the washer's drum out of her unit. The apprentice propped the outer glass door open, then closed it. The boss man was baffled why the reassembled washer wasn't working. Appprentice, possibly named Curly, said "Aren't we supposed to turn the water back on?" "Oh. Right." Then he asked the kid to get something from the truck. Eager to please, he "ran with his head down as fast as he could." Possibly going "Woop woop woop!" I could only picture it like this:
      

via GIPHY


      I sent that to her, and she said "That is exactly the way the guy was running towards the door." Which, as you may recall, was closed. A victim of coicumstance, "He bounced back 3 feet! He landed on his back, got up and staggered around and said 'No, I'm... fine!'" Probably "This is Fine" like that cartoon dog meme where the house is on fire. (FORESHADOWING)

      (um, there's no fires at all in the rest of this. Maybe that wasn't the foreshadowing)

      My sister Sue had to have work done in her bathroom, which for some reason involved turning the power off. This, somehow, led to her neighbors losing power. 170 households worth of neighbors, with the power company guy insisting that "We didn't do it!" (They did it) She left work to find out what was going on, and the guy said "You have some salty neighbors!" (There's the foreshadowing; the turkey was salty) "One old guy screamed at me like no one ever has! 'I just bought a shiny new toaster oven! What if the power comes back on and it explodes?!'" Umm...unplug it first? You dipshit?

      At work Thanks Eve: the poor manager on duty was constantly getting paged. At Stop&FuckYou, the manager probably would've flipped, but ShopRite is a very mellow place. One call he got was from an angry customer: "I bought my turkey yesterday, and it's STILL FROZEN!" "Umm...run it under cold water for a while?" You dipshit? I would've suggested throwing it in the washer on "Delicates." And not Naruto running to any doors.

      Again, not the foreshadowing! In fact, it's...umm, I've forgotten.
      Another manager asked me to find Breyer's ice cream for a woman. Which she kept calling "Brayub," which I guess shares some vowels. She wanted Turkey Hill, which...shares some vowels. Has words in English. Maybe also Entish, I don't speak Tree.

      Last T-gving, beloved niece Cassie had laryngitis. We mainly communicated through her phone, which in my VERY FUCKING LOUD FAMILY, we have to do sometimes anyway. I suggested at one point that we talk through memes, and mimed "Angry blonde woman screaming at baffled cat." She instantly got it. She's also a super Japanophile (she went to Tokyo for a week not long ago), so I thought of her when I saw memes done as classic Japanese Edo-era styled art. She thought it was hilarious. Her mother was utterly baffled. I think that his "This is Fine" needed a teacup.
      Wait! Was that the foreshadowing?! The Naruto and cartoon dog and the memes? Is that it? Is this love? (gestures at butterfly) Y'know, sometimes I write these out in my head first, and sometimes I just don't.

      Man Photoshops Himself Into Boring Stock Photos

      What did professor Thomas Brennan at Ferris State University in Michigan study to get his position? An advanced degree in hitting himself in the forehead with a frying pan? Getting a metal pipe blasted through his brain at Phineas T. Gage University? Not only is COVID fake, and the Moon landings, but also atom bombs. Hiroshima was faked with the same special effects as the "surprisingly real-looking tornado scene in the 1939 film, the Wizard of Oz." Yeah, that guy scrubbing himself in a flying bathtub sure was convincing. Also, the "n-word" means "human beings of worth, as we all are". You, sir, are a blitheringly moronic dipshit, as we all are. And by "we" I mean "you."

      Meet the Nazi 'Indiana Jones' Behind the Third Reich's Hunt for the Holy Grail

      Wait! I got it!
      The true foreshadowing was inside us all along!

12/2

       Byron wanted some cheese. I said "Y'okay, but I don't think you do." It was Cabot habanero cheddar, and if I say something is super spicy hot, it is. I gave him a tiny sliver without any pepper. He wolfed it down. Then he ran to the water bowl and drank a quarter of it.

      In Connecticut jurisprudence news that I heard on the radio machine: Some group, calling themselves "Liberty Freedom Fighters for Liberty Freedoms" or something (I can't find an online link) filed a suit to block mask-wearing rules. Thank you, Big Dumb Orange Loser, for turning the simplest thing people have ever been asked to do into a political statement! Their apparent death wish was thwarted by a judge who called their suit "quadruple hearsay". Their rock-hard, bulletproof, pig-iron clad claim was based on a Facebook post, about a YouTube video, that was allegedly translated from German, by a German "doctor" saying masks didn't work. I say allegedly, as none of the plaintiffs spoke German, so they couldn't tell. Man, you could almost think Trump's goon squad elite strike force are very the bad at lawyering!

      

      Seen in the store parking lot: A big-ass pickup truck flying 2 American flags, wet and wrapped around each other in a major wind and rain storm, and a big sign that said "ELVIS VOTED FOR TRUMP (TWICE)". I...what? Is that pro-Trump? If it said "voted for BIDEN" I'd think it was. Because dead people can't vote even once! But is this anti-Trump, making fun of his ridiculous fraud claims? Maybe the guy is just too dumb to get the meaning of his own joke. Trump lost by 7 million votes. As Republicans said 4 years ago, "He Won, Get Over It." Maybe the sign made more sense in German.

      My state isn't known for much in a culinary sense, which is odd. We have the good lobster rolls, the ones with butter and not mayo, you philistines. We invented the fucking hamburger, and you get to have it exactly ONE WAY. They literally throw you out if you ask for ketchup. We also have something you thought was some Simpsons fever dream, the steamed ham. It's a steamed burger. It gets great reviews, and is on my bucket list. Steaming removes the fat and leaves a super juicy burger, and not your house on fire.
      If you want some hyperlocal burger, there's Shady Glen here in central CT. Sadly, it's down to only one location because of The Thing. It's most famous creation is the crispy cheese, and its ice cream. We sell it in the store, big drums of it. Most popular are Almond Joy and Grape Nuts, because no one else makes those. Recently, we got their Christmas special! What flavor is it? I checked the ingredient list, and this is everything listed:
      "Almonds, sulfur dioxide, sodium benzoate, potassium sorbate."
      That doesn't mean it's bad. It's just like Grandma used to extrude!

      We've entered that least wonderful time of the year, when the store Muzak plays nonstop Xmas shit. This was not bad at first. It was 50/50 Xmas and 1960s oldies. Now it's all Xmas. My main hate for this music is that their are thousands of versions of Christmas songs, but really only about 12 songs. I get to hear the same songs up to 4 or 5 times an hour. "Winter Wonderland," with its sick and twisted "Parson Brown" cosplay. Do you get off on watching the other kiddies knock him down, you sadist? And "Frosty the Fuckboi," I suppose you never noticed that he ignores the traffic cop, then immediately "has to hurry on his way"? How many crimes has Frosty done? How many parents found their children stabbed to death by his fiendish carrot? (Little known fact: the lyrics originally were "a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal, and a carrot for dick. A big and sharp carrot dick.") But "don't worry"--he'll be back again some day.

      50 Rarely-Seen Historical Photos That Might Change Your Perspective On Things

      To make it worse, yes, these are the lyrics I hear when they play "Winter Wonderland". Curse you, 1999 me!

       Okay, I hear you whisperin'
       "Should I go Pagan or be Christian?"
       Be a Christian or fry, & I'll tell you why,
       Cause Sodom & Gomorrah went buh-bye!
      

       Sodomites, they were sleazy,
       And Gomorrans most disease-y.
       Each place was a sty, so they had to die,
       And Sodom & Gomorrah went buh-bye!
      

       They're an awful pair of sinful cities,
       Not a single holy lad or lass;
       All the ladies showing off their titties
       While all the boys would take it up the ass.
      

       God looked down, started pukin',
       Said "Those places need a nukin'!"
       Their sexual toys are now null & void,
       As Sodom & Gomorrah got destroyed!
      

       So be a Pagan at your own risk,
       And be toast when God is all pissed.
       You'll learn too well, that flesh-burning smell
       When you're roasting in the firey pits of Hell!

      

12/16

       Coworker: "Do you think a grocery worker has ever committed suicide because of Christmas music?"
      Yes, I am not alone. I replied "So far today I've heard Winter Wonderland 11 times. It was the first song I heard when I got in. It was the second song I heard after coming in." 10 minutes later, it was played back to back again. I heard it 14 times in 6.5 hours. Today--it was the first 2 songs I heard when I got in. It played back to back four times. As bad as that song is, Jingle Bells is like having your wisdom teeth being taken out with a chisel.

      Speaking of things that rot your teeth, we sell Elf on the Shelf cereal now. He sees you when you're sleeping, he sees you when you eat. THERE IS NO ESCAPE
      I don't think Elf on the Shelf is indoctrinating children into happily living in a surveillance state enough. Maybe if they added "NOW! With 'Oceania has always been at war with Kelloggsasia' marshmallows! GENERAL MILLS IS WATCHING YOU"
      I don't think Elf on the Shelf is intimidating enough. Give these kids an inch, and they'll take a foot-long stocking. I think we should put a 12 inch soldier action figure with a scoped rifle wearing tiny Pampers next to it. Tell your kids "One word from Elf on the Shelf, and you get a .50 cal round in your skull from--SNIPER in a DIAPER."

      I went to the doctor. I need a PCP if I want cataract surgery. I was told by the opthamologist that I'd need an EKG done in Bloomfield otherwise. Yes, but no. First, it'd require sister Patty to drive more yon than hither that day, and second, that's where my horrible job of 14 years is located. While I was there I vowed that when-not-if I left, I was never driving on the highway to Hell I-291 ever again.
      So now I have a PCP, so close that Google Maps only listed walking distance. Which is good, as I needed to call in to get in (why are these COVID restrictions never listed on their websites?). I got some to do my paperwork, as I paced in a freezing parking lot. At one point, my $15 flip phone went "shhvworp" like a Tardis materializing in a Slurpee. The screen said "HELLO" which meant "GOODBYE" and it died. So I drove home and called from there. I went back with my other phone, which also refused to work. I only got in because some guys were there to "fix the heat that's out on one side of the building."
      Thinking "Great, no heat," they made me wear a hospital robe. Since I work in an 8 below zero F freezer, this did not really bother me. My new doctor went over my old files, and said "There were nodules on your prostate last visit." I said, "Not that they told me about..." fully knowing this was not going end well for my rear end. After some thorough rectal rogering, he said "There's nothing abnormal. I don't know why this is on here. I'll remove it." Remove the probably "hit the wrong keystroke" file, not my fucking prostate.
      I go back again next month, because I don't know why. Same month I have to/not have to go to court, for all those tanks I sold to Argentina, and also my cataract surgery, which I'd really like done, but January's getting pretty cramped right now. And 2 days after the visit, I got a voicemail wanting to set up my next colonoscopy. Man, the whole world is coming up from behind me to get up in my ass right now.

      Waiting for the news, WJMJ played a Sarah McLachlan song with the most horrible of all words. I dare speak its name not, as I wish to not beckon forth the Dark Gods! (It's "fuck") This is the Catholic station, so Catholic that it's call letters stand for "Jesus Mary Joseph," and sadly, not Kevin's guess, "Jesus Music Jams." I assume their $200,000 FTC fine is on it's way. Did you know that radio stations can play Elton John's "The Bitch is Back," but can't say the title?
      They next played a song by Farrell, who said he "was happy like a room without a roof." It's not a room without a roof, and why would that make you happy?

      Speaking of Kevin, we had a discussion about a Star Wars TV show that's really cool. I mentioned how I couldn't even finish Rise of Skywalker, and he replied:
      >I actively hated the second one (Leia floating through space? COME ON!) and the third one I thought was exciting but I literally can't tell you anything about it otherwise. Wait, there was a lightsaber battle at the end. I'm pretty sure...
      I said:
      Well, here's that "it's all personal taste" thing. I LOVED Last Jedi, as it upturned everything about the bland who-cares other ones. It's one of the only 3 I will rewatch. You already know what the other 2 are. (The Holiday Special and the one where Whinykin complains about sand gettin' in his britches)
      As for Flying Princess... "It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together." This flat-out says that EVERYONE is at least Force sensitive. Don't forget, she's a Skywalker, in the most inbred galaxy of them all. ("A long time ago, in an Appalachia far, far away from laws about incest...") So I didn't question it at all. No one in the audience questioned why in Empire, Luke could suddenly yank a lightsaber without touching it. Or jumping like a pogo stick in the next one, when he was fighting his father/brother/cousin. I think even stormtroopers have the Force, but it just attracts blaster bolts and kills them instantly though they're in full armor. (Why do they wear that? It's no protection, and "I can't see a thing out of this helmet!" explains why they can't hit the broadside of a Bantha)
      Also, why are Banthas? Woolly mammoths in the desert? "Hey, let's go to Hoth with a spaceship full of kangaroo-camels that die in the cold!" Why does shooting a lock with a blaster close every door that's open, and open every door that's closed? Why do you need a protocol droid that speaks 8 million languages, when everyone understands every other language? (Except Ewoks, those cute lil' rat bastards, who get impressed by 3PO making whoosh sounds? Are they really impressed, or just muttering "WTF's with this dipshit?") Why did I sink into my seat during the opening crawl of Menace, thinking "Trade dispute, you fucking kidding me? At least this movie won't have minstrel show blackface caricatures or guys in Chinese robes talking with ching-chong accents and literally have FISH HEADS like that old slur? And I'm sure I'll never see a crawl that begins with 'PALPATINE LIVES! Why does he? Fuck you for asking is why.'"
      I gave up on Rise of Sewer-water when, yes, turns out that Rey is related to someone in the stupidest way possible. That was the dealbreaker. I wouldn't have been surprised if she was the daughter of R2D2 and the trash compactor monster at that point.
      You know I'm kidding. I love 3 of the movies (The Holiday Special, Solo, and the one where Vader says "NOOOOOOOOOOO!") Happy Life Day! Yub Nub! (Meco disco mix)

      

12/25

       America's Least Wanted: The So Important Trial of mine (for selling tanks to Hugo Chavez's corpse to rig the election) that was moved from 10/20 to 12/8 to 1/20 is now 3/30.
      WTF, just cancel it! They keep delaying my plan to rob Fort Knox!

      I just spent a week out of work for a dry cough and fatigue. I think it was just a bad chest cold, but who wants to take a chance at infecting their whole store? (Assholes. Maskless assholes do. How'd masked me get it? Most likely from surface contact, I guess) I dragged myself in for 4 hours Xmas Eve. I saw the freezer and its 5 pallets and said "Wow, that's...a lot. Some lazy slacker not come in for a couple of days?" "No, not that! It got here 5 minutes ago!" The other PT guy said that there'd been nothing to do for half of every day, as the deliveries are backed up from that snowstorm a week ago. In 4 hours, we got half of the 5 out, so I don't feel bad. I mean, I feel bad in the sense that I'm still sick. Not guilty-bad. I also don't feel bad about postponing my planned Xmas lunch with my Mom (it's now around New Years).

      But since I can't talk politics with her right now, guess whose ears get talked off!
       Hey, Trump wants to give me 2 large! He finally did something I approve of! Since you know his heart didn't grow 3 sizes that day, what's in it for him? Since he went from hating any Republican who said he didn't win the election, to hating the ones who called Biden president-elect, to hating anyone who doesn't want him to declare martial law, IMO he's just trying to fuck with Bitch McConnell, who only agreed to a 2nd stimulus deal because it could cost them the Senate run-off election in GA. So Trump torpedoed it, ran away to golf. The Dems jumped right to his side, saying "YEAH $2000!!" I guess he can veto it by...not vetoing it? A "pocket veto," which I've never heard of before. Trump not doing anything? Guess which option he'll pick. He's made of 50% spite and 50% rock stupid, so he doesn't see that the GOP losing control of the Senate might not be to his best long term legal advantage.
      Hey, what happened to QAnon? They long listed a date when Trump was going to take over the world (no, really), with the deadline like a week ago. This did not happen. You'd think that the "Washington Insider" being outed as an Indonesian pig farmer a year ago would've killed it.
      But "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." as Goebbels the Nazi propaganda minister said. That's Trump's MO since this whole thing started. That's why he still claims he won, because of the "election fraud" that's oozing from Rudy's leaking brain. "The president elect's son in law was connected to an energy company that went out of business in the Ukraine, to no advantage to himself, so obviously, we should investigate! The proof is on his laptop, which he left at a pawn shop and the feds have had it for almost 2 years, but have not looked at. And here's the pawn shop owner!"
      ME: "So, you say it was Hunter Biden?"
      "YES!"
      "Was your security camera on when he dropped it off?"
      "Amazingly, it was the one time it was turned off. Pawn shops never get seedy characters who might hold you at gunpoint, so no."
      "Is it true you're...legally blind?"
      "YES!"
      "But it was Hunter Biden."
      "YES! Or possibly Lady Gaga dressed as a chimp in a clown suit, while jumping up and down on a basketball!"
      "Sir, I'm over here."
      "Oh! Are you on the ceiling? The law says you have to tell me if you're a Spiderman. Like I said, legally blind. But def Hunky Dingdong!"
      "...Hunter Biden?"
      "You see, I am also deaf in 3 ears, which science cannot explain. However, a man said he has PROOF that North Korea sailed a fleet of ships full of 750,000 fake ballots signed by Hispanic children with no fingerprints, to a port in MAINE, yes, all around the world, through the Panama Canal or maybe they flewed over the North Pole like Santy Claus, and NO ONE saw them, except this guy, who is an admitted felon pardoned by the president, who jauntily wears a top hat."
      "Yeah, RIGHT. I suppose, I dunno, he also has a giant tattoo of Richard Nixon's face on his back!"
      "Funny you should ask..."
      And if you want to ask which part of that I made up...none of it.
      Also, the Earth is not flat. It's Pringles-shaped. A hyperbolic paraboloid, and specifically, a Sour Cream and Onion one where Trump won. I'm going to keep saying that until you believe it.

      50 Times People Got So Satisfied Looking At Snow, They Just had To Document It

1/4

       I have exciting news--I got a mouse! I named it George and I will hug it and squeeze it.
      It replaces the mouse that shit the pad. Touched by transformative power of Byron's Paw of Many Toes, it decided to go "doodley-doot" and freeze up continually. It's a bad sign when to get your optical mouse to work, you have to slam it on the desk multiple times. On its last day before replacement, it doodley-dooted when I was in another room.
      Its name isn't George, but Jelly Comb. That's who made it. I went for the cheapest but best-rated one I could find. That would be the Logitech one that was tormenting me, so I went for the next one. It came with "silent clicking" and a built-in disco light display. It was cheap enough that I got it anyway, despite paying for features I didn't need. The lights I left on at night, as a kind of night light, but I stopped after a few days. The no-noise feature I fell in love with after the 3rd click.
      Ha ha, I made you read about the least interesting thing ever!
      I also bought some CDs, a thing I really don't need, from a big online sale. 9 titles at $75.09. (Free shipping over $75, so I think I aced that one) 9 titles, but since most were box sets, it was 28 discs. To give you an idea of how widely diverse the styles were, the only single disc ones were sountracks to Battleship Potemkin and Speed Racer. The only movies more different than those are would be The Little Mermaid and Saw. I'd already ordered them before I got sick, so I wasn't happy with myself when I ended up with an 11 hour work week. I checked online to see if I got my paltry stimulus check--I didn't, because Trump said we would--and I got my paycheck 2 days early. For 22 hours pay. I got paid for a day I called out, and 4 hours for Xmas, when we were closed. I know the store has had a bad turnover/retention rate, so maybe that's just what they do? They also gave everyone a $50 store gift card. It's a very nice place to work. Also, don't expect that $2000 check. Mitch McYertle called an extra $1400 for people making under $75K "Socialism for the rich!" The only thing Trump ever accomplished was a $1.6 trillion tax cut for the 1%, and I don't remember any GOP member mad about that. My total of $1800 is enough to almost cover my 2020 property taxes. So, it went from the federal government straight to the town one.

      Wow, thanks Trump. Your fucking response to covid killed Mary Ann! Well, Dawn Wells was 82, so it's not like it wasn't something I knew was coming. I noticed her obits mentioned her charity work and her stage run in "The Vagina Monologues", which is good, but none mentioned her unwavering support for the NRA. Maybe she voted for her murderer Trump twice.
      I also caught this, from exactly one interview: DAWN: "The first thing I did after the series ended was I went and did The Owl and the Pussycat and played a hooker (laughs). So I broke that Mary Ann mold right there. I played a hooker. She was a nice hooker but still a hooker."
      Umm...no? IMDB doesn't list that, and "co-starred with Barbra Streisand" you think would get a nod. Her filmography is basically in the "mockable by robot puppets" category, like Return to Boggy Creek, about a Bigfoot, and Super Suckers, where she is credited as "Dawn Wells as Dawn Wells". Almost all of her post-70s career is portraying either Mary Ann or herself. I should also note that I read about her in my mom's copy of People Magazine in the 80s where she gave her birth year as 7 years later than it was. In the docudrama "Surviving Gilligan's Island," she said "Everyone thinks I was so innocent and naive, but I was married 5 times!" Every obit said she was married once, divorcing in 1967, even that interview linked above. Huh. Weird. Loose relationship with the truth? Maybe she did vote for Trump.

      Speaking of which, Inventor Behind the Worst Gadget of All Time Jumps Onto Trump's Sinking Voter Fraud Ship. I remember CueCat! It was shaped like a white cat! "The gadget's whole schtick was it could read barcodes from magazine ads that when scanned into your computer would lead to... the same ad. Just the online version of it. But, hey, you didn't have to type a URL into your browser, and boy howdy that sure is convenient!" If you're reading this a couple of days from now, and DC is engulfed in flames from neo-Nazi riots, it may not seem so funny.

      But these are funny! 25 seconds of cuteness, and a very NSFW comic that's funny because it's so weird. Also funny:

      

      Also also funny, its remix:

      

      If you don't want to watch them, don't worry. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!

1/11

       Watching the break room TV, a manager said "Just when I was hoping that we'd stop being the laughingstock of the world..."
      I'd forgotten my Kindle, and since work is a 10 minute round-trip commute for me, I used my 15 minute break to run home to get it. The car radio was on a classical NPR station, but it was news. As soon as I heard speaking, I knew what it was. Not "storm the Capitol building" exactly, but when I found out and a person said "This is shocking, no none saw this coming!" I screamed at him "HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING?!"
       If it'd been a peaceful BLM protest, the tear gas and rubber bullets would've come out in the first seconds. Instead, the cops just stood there shrugging "Yo, chill out, my dudes." Fuck, they held the doors open for them! "No. Stop. Don't. Okay, you can overthrow the government in a fascist coup, but you need to get your hands stamped--Hey! I need to stamp your hands!" I hope the FBI is seeing how many of the Capitol police are Oath Keepers, the neo-Nazi group whose purpose is to infiltrate and recruit the police and military.
      Another thing I knew: how many minutes it'd take before somebody said "This is not who we are as a people!" And it was Biden. This gets said every school mass shooting. Every right wing riot where the cops do nothing. How many times does it have to happen before we admit that, yes, WE ARE THESE PEOPLE. Saying we aren't really means that politicians aren't going to do anything.
      How did these GOP congress dimwits not see "the monster they created turns on them" twist coming? How do they plan to escape these people? Are they just going to become the Nazi party out of fear of them?
      Yeah, Mitch McYertle, voice of reason--NOW. And Pence almost grew one whole vertebra! Sorry, but you guys own this shit now. Welcome to the Third World, America.
      In Kremlin, Vlad high-five large drunk bear. "Mission, it is accomplish," say Vlad. "WURRF!" say bear, and they chug whole bottle of wodka.

      Since a second impeachment would disable Trump for running for town dog catcher, and also take away every other ex-President perk (free lifetime health care, pension, the Secret Service), I can tell you that every Republican planning on running in 2024 is going to be on board, even Ted Cruz and Pence. Especially the people who it's said hate Trump the most, the Secret Service.

      These guys who hate the Gummint tracking their every move with the Bill Gates vaccine with the 5G, as they post about it on Facebook and Parler with their iPhones next to their Amazon smart speaker, boy howdy they can keep a low profile, huh? Storming a building with no masks, taking selfies with cooperative riot police (umm, cops, the name means you fight the rioters), wearing their fucking work IDs...and startled to find out that overthrowing the country is kinda illegal? Serious Underpants Gnome vibe there. "Phase 1: Storm Capitol! Phase 3: PROFIT" Turns out strapping a GoPro to your empty noggin is kinda evidence. Also, posting on fucking Parler, which tracks your GPS location. The Lectern Stealing Guy tried to escape justice by shaving his beard. While keeping his luxurious mullet. And living in the same place. I wonder how much of a slap of the wrist they'll get for openly planning on hanging Pence from a tree on the Capitol lawn. But, other than that, "It was not that Bad."
      When I got home that day, for some reason iTunes had stopped working. It was frozen in the middle of the Battleship Potemkin track, "Join Us!...Brothers!" If you're unfamiliar with the history, it was the first, failed attempt to overthrow the Russian government. With that practice, they succeeded the next time, 12 years later. And the American fascists are going to keep trying, legally and not, until they get it right.

      "Please don't be from work," I said on my day off today, but of course the call was. The slackiest frozen worker was let go. He had called out twice for his Army reserve weekend. Firing someone for this can lead to serious consequences for the company. The first time, he called out that morning, which is not how the military works except for minor things, like Pearl Harbor (he called out on December fifth, a date that will forever live in 2-days-before infamy). This time, he'd presented a letter showing he was going to go in on the day before. Which was dated a month earlier. Why'd he wait? The issue turned out to be more. My boss said "It didn't match up with days he took off. He lied." Why wasn't he storming Congress? "This letter proves my innocence by proving my guilt!"
      Just yesterday I'd thought that he matched the profile of a guy who gets a job, in the hopes of being fired so he can collect unemployment. If so, he got half his wish. He can collect, as technically he was fired because of his military service. He'd just have to leave off "...that I lied about." The Labor Board wil enthusiastically support him if he does, and if he's smart, he'll decline to pursue it. If the penalties for firing for this reason are huge, what are the penalties when they find out that you're in the wrong?
      So, the other PT guy and I get more hours. But I don't know what the reaction is going to be when I tell them I have to take a week off next month for cataract surgery...but all my documentation will be presented and legit. I waited to ask until now because just today, I had a doctor's appt I wanted behind me. I have proof of that, and the original letter to the optomologist, but not one from the opthamologist, as Byron peed on it. I don't think they want that on file in the office.
      UPDATE: I won't need any documentation at all. I found out that I get a week's paid vacation. As a part timer! Just shows how dumb the fired guy was.

      

      

1/18

       With my upcoming cataract surgery, I have 7 doctor's appointments in 6 weeks. As we used to say in the 80s, Fun Is.

      There was a march on the CT state capitol Saturday. A caravan of vehicles, Trump flag flying from the lead car. It was an impressive sight to see. FOUR WHOLE CARS! Well, 5, if you count the SUV passing them on the right as they crawled by to be filmed.
      I'd show you the video, but it was on the Vernon Patch site on Sat, then deleted the next day. Almost as if some politically correct entitled snowflakes didn't want anyone to see it, and did their cancel culture on it! Since they left the Buckland Mall, and gave up before actually reaching Hartford a whole 15 minutes away, I'd say it was at the demand of the iron-willed, lion-hearted rebels in the clown cars. Maybe they realized that there was no way that they could actually get into the capitol. Maybe it was because their Jacobin brethren that were joining them from New Haven were crushed by the Libtard Overlords, when Costco said "No, you can't meet up in our parking lot to go insurrecting" and the Heroes of the Revolution said "Oh, okay, never mind." Maybe they realized to their utter shock that, after their last terrorist attack, words and actions suddenly have consequences. Maybe Big Brother could shoot back this time! You have to water the Tree of Liberty with Blood, but not from our lily-white livers!
      We'll have to see what happens on Inauguration Day, but I'm leaning towards "nothing," as surely as I leaned towards "fucking anything" on 1/6. Hopefully I'm right.

      For some reason, my DVD player stopped working. It'll transfer CDs to iTunes, but that's it. I figured it was the software and downloaded a patch. I did, but No Go. So I spent last night downloading basically anything. No Go, Fun Is. My favorite was the Microsoft player. "It looks like your hardware is compatible! Pay $14.99 to find out." No test drive of one movie? Why the fuck would I do that? Salesman at Gates Preowned Cars: "It looks like this car will start and maybe make it out of the parking lot, so pay $14,999 to find out! No takesie-backsies!"

      I watched WandaVision, the first Marvel streaming-only TV show. Entertaining, but weird. It's a B&W parody of early 60s sitcoms, mainly Bewitched, complete with lame plots and a laugh track. The special effects are deliberately bad; the only CGI is to remove the strings making pots and pans float. Obviously, Things Are Not What They Seem, and I guess it's all happening in Wanda's head, what with the Vision being canonically very dead in the MCU. What purpose there would be in placing her in some VR world of I Dream of Jeannie, I don't know. The thing that confused me the least was what probably confused the non-comics readers of the show the most: the beekeeper climbing out of a manhole. That means the villains are likely to be the first onscreen appearance of these guys. AIM usually means M.O.D.O.K.! But the giant flying head is getting his own TV sitcom, so...exactly what we all thought would happen after Iron Man 12 years ago, right?

1/31

      

      OK, running a little late here, I admit. But we're finally rid of Mango Mussolini, Apricot Adolph, Tangerine Torquemada, the Clementine Kaiser, the Mandarin...mandarin!
      What? Not 2 weeks later, and the GOP is fawning over him? Because these Profiles in Courage are afraid of losing the votes of his cult, and are afraid that they'll try to kill them, after they tried to kill them? Like they wanted to do to Mike Pence, the most lackluster lickspittle milquetoast toady in modern history?
      Don't worry, guys. That strategy could never backfire.

      There's a new name on the work schedule! It's "NEW". Since this is the third guy we were told we'd get, I understand the confidence level. Why learn his name until he actually turns up?

      Other work news: WTF is with my legs? Yes, I power-walk a tremendous amount in a very short time, but my legs are tingling after work. I thought "I know this feeling, but from where?" Not where, but when. Puberty. It's growing pains. My waist shrunk about a size and a half, now my legs are bulking up like tree trunks. Admittedly, more like birches than mighty oaks, but I normally look like an XKCD stick figure. But my socks are now cutting into my legs. At the end of work, my legs look like turkey drumsticks; skin down to the bone and above a big pile o' meat. Probably not optimal over the long term. Unless the store gets attacked by Jean-Claude Van Damme, cause I will so kick that jerk. My action hero quip as I destroy him: "Sorry to leave you in--the larch! It's a tree! Number One--The Larch! Number Two--YOU!" That may need work. "OAK-ay, ELM only going to say this once! Sorry to LEAF you in maho-AGONY! As I kick your ASH! As you PINE for your crushed WALNUTS! Pray to COD I don't give you a splitting HADDOCK just for the HALIBUT, oh wait, that was a fish one."

2/10

       "William? William? ...Are you there?" *click* Apparently, robocalls have reached the level where they know your name.

      “All Blood Runs Red,” the amazing, inspiring story of the Black Swallow. America's first Black fighter pilot, and that's almost the least interesting thing about him. Maybe this has never been made into a movie because, who'd believe all the stuff he did? (Bonus: dead Nazis)

      Door Ladder and Demon Donkey: Bootleg Toys That Are Somehow Better Than The Originals

      Funnier than you'd think, but exactly as stupid:

      

      If you've never seen this collection of old propaganda films, you need to. Alternately hilarious and horrifying in turns.

      

      

2/17

       "I recognize these trees," I said as I pulled into my pre-op COVID test. "This is the courtyard I looked out on when I was in the mental ward."
      Sister Patty, a few days later when we were there for my surgery: "I don't think they like it when you call it that."
      Me: "What they really don't like is when you call it 'Hospital Jail'!"
      I tested negs on the 'vid, so cataract surgery was on. I asked for the latest possible appointment, and they said "Be there at 530AM." Some of you are no doubt scoffing at that--"I'm up at that time every day!" Well, it's 6 hours earlier than my usual alarm time, so just subtract 6 hours from yours and think about how that'd feel. I managed to get them to change it to 645, and my next-day follow-up from 830 to 1130. So, if I could fall asleep at 2AM, I could scrape by on 4 hours.
      ha ha, of course not! I got no sleep that night, and by "no sleep," I don't mean "very little," but none. I was there at 635, saying "I'm here for cataract surgery" and was told that Patty needed to park "Over there--See the 'Emergency' sign?" (squints) "No, I can't see anything, I'm here for cataract surgery!"
      A lot of boring prep, going over forms, including one that listed every damn thing I'd ever seen a doctor over in my life. Remember Young's Syndrome from 10 years ago? The prostate "plasms" I didn't have last month? Going to the nuthouse in 2019? My adenoids, removed in middle school? By the end of over half a page of symptoms, I was surprised they didn't just say "We'll have to cancel this; statistically, you're dead."
      I was supposed to get knocked out on my ass, but it was local anesthesia, so I could fully enjoy having my eyeball slit open and vacuumed. This made sense, as sometimes I would be told "Look up" or something. I mentioned the movie Clockwork Orange when they clamped my eye open. The doctor hadn't heard of it, which may be for the best. What if she played Ludwig Van?
      The surgery was more like the last scenes of another Kubrick film, 2001. Lots of bright dancing technicolor lights, usually in threes. Then I went home with an eye shield taped to my face and slept all damn day, except for taking my eyedrops.
      That I would find out I wasn't supposed to take that day! I called them, worried that I'd just infected myself, but No Big Deal. Even through the tiny eyeholes in the shield, just by looking at websites with white backgrounds, I could see a big difference: My left eye, light beige. My right eye, "bright sun on fresh snow" white. It kind of syncs up with my current eyeglass scrip, so I may not even need new glasses. But I still have a week to go before the all clear.
      At my checkup the next day, I snuck over to their computer and saw that under "Mood:" it said "Alert and Observant x3." Ths meant...umm, I have no idea. Would I be able to detect traps in my D&D campaign 3x better? I'd have to play D&D first to know.

      I called work to let them know. My boss said "Thanks for calling, I was just about to write the schedule!" Two hours later he called to tell me it. "I'll need you here. New guy quit!" Yes, as stated above, he didn't waste time remembering his name. I'd worked with him 3 times, and was impressed. He was in his 40s (I think; who can tell with the masks), and worked a job that required reliability, running meds and samples between the 2 UConn medical centers on opposite sides of the state. For all I know, he ran my COVID test to one. Why'd he quit? Dunno. I've never worked 2 jobs, just single jobs that required 2 jobs worth of hours, when I was in my 20s. When I hit 30, yeah, I'll trade less money for more free time. So maybe it was that. When I first started after 2 gap years of unemployment, for months breakfast was strong tea and 4 ibuprofen. Lunch was 4 more. Driving's more sedentary than office work, so maybe he just decided that the pain wasn't worth it. (Youngsters in the reading audience, age 50 is when the warranty on your body runs out. Get ready!)

      A lead on The Mandalorian has been let go. Who knew Baby Yoda was a racist?!
      Of course, Baby Yoda it was not. It was the third lead, "Cara Dune," played by an MMA fighter who, as an actor, was a very good MMA fighter. She wasn't bad, just kinda there. Getting outacted by a puppet and a guy who spent 95% of his role with a bucket on his head. (A guy whose emotions you can still clearly read--that's acting!) She was on the fast track: already established on one show, cleared for a big role on a spinoff, and even possibly leading her own spinoff. But, boy-oh-bantha, did she not shut up on Twitter.
      Disney owns Lucasfilms, Lucasfilms runs Star Wars. Disney has a very clear moral compass: "We making money off this?" So it seems they were fine with her, while Lucasfilms ground their teeth. She started out transphobic, like in a JK Rowling mode. She'd be interviewed about Star Wars and just throw it out there. Is "I hate them trannies!" the right wing version of "I'm a vegan!"? Well, good to know, but we weren't talking about that. "Also, did you know there are many fine products from Amway, and maybe you could pop over to my megachurch this Sunday?" I have lots of unpopular opinions, but I don't try to shoehorn them into every conversation.
      Seems Lucasfilms wanted her out after the election, when she went full MAGA. Stop the Steal, Save the Children (from Being Eaten by Democrats), masks are for losers who don't know it's a "Plandemic," all the QAnon stuff. Apparently the Disney accountants then calculated how much they would or wouldn't make after she tweeted how "Republicans in America are treated the same as Jews in Nazi Germany." Sure. Toddlers gassed and then thrown in ovens=being banned from Twitter.
      I'm sure that there are people with no interest in Star Wars who instantly signed up for Disney+ just to stream her Mandalorian episodes. In order to angrily quit it so they can scream "CANCEL CULTURE!" Something that they'd never do! Unless they were told to by Rush Limbaugh, and--oh, this is sad. He's dead! Sad because, honestly, I thought he'd died like right after Trump gave him his medal. He lived maybe 2 years more, that's sad.
      I've said this joke before, but this is my last chance to use it.
      Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
      A: One's a giant bloated Nazi gasbag, and the other's--Um, never mind!
      Okay, you shouldn't speak ill of the dead. So here's one I just came up with.
      Q: What's Hitler's greatest painting?
      A: The walls of his bunker, using his brains!

      COVID Killed The Video Store: a nice and nostalgic paean to days gone by.

2/17

       I knew that every lotsa years, the Earth's magnetic pole switches from North to South, and then back again. I didn't know the connection between it and cavemen, the invention of art, Douglas Adams, and the Ng?wh? tree. Oh, and when it happens again, we're all going back to living in caves. It's real, even if I'm making it sound like a bad parody of The Onion (i.e., like me)

      So, all GOP politicians are Trump now? The second rule is, if there's a crisis, run to social media and blame anybody who isn't you! Then say you can't do anything, that's not your job! In fact, if you're mayor of some Texas, say it's not local government or the power company's fault you have no power, it's up to you to get off "your lazy ass" and make your own electricity! It's not hard! I saw a documentary about some people trapped on island who recharged their SOS radio by riding bikes! Two of them were super hot babes! There was also a millionaire, aaand his wife!
      Blame it on Biden! Blame it on a New York congresswoman and her unpassed Green New Deal! But, above and beyond all, the first rule of Trump Club is blame it on fucking windmills.
      WHAT IS WITH THESE PEOPLE AND THE FUCKING WINDMILLS? Really, windmills suck, so that's what you used to keep the natural gas pilelines from freezing? You didn't try squatting and hatching them like eggs first? Eat some tacos and give Texas sized farts? I mean, what gas is more natural, just light your farts! What could be more Texan than men lighting their farts?! It's not like this exact same thing happened 10 years ago OH WAIT WHAT?
      Remember how China creatificated a virus to kill its own people in the hope that it would spread to America just to hurt Trump's reelection, and some still think that's sane? You know what's more logical? Ted Cruz and the Trump sons had a bet to see who could grow the ugliest beard. TED: "Mine's a Texas classic, a mangy coyote! When I move, you can see the ravaged skin flappin' in the breeze!" TRUMP JR: "MINBE IS DESIGNED WITH MUSTACHE COCAINE HOLDING ALSO HAS WHITE TRACES WHICH ARE TOOOOTALLY JUST **SNORT** HAIRS! YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!' ERIC: (touches chin) "Huh huh! Fuzzy."
      AOC raised $4 MILLION for Texas in hours. This would be the same Texas whose leaders laughed at NYC or New England getting any relief for hurricane Sandy unless it was cut from other social programs. C'mon, what's the point of being Republican if you can't make total strangers suffer? Blue states give; red states take. Look it the fuck up.
      So, of course, Why Does Everyone Try To Make Poor Ted Cruz Look Bad By Not Being Ted Cruz? Yes, AOC is raising that money just to make Crud Tush (c'mon, you know Trump would call him that after Hannity told him to) look bad! You don't need $4M to make him look bad! You could find 4 pennies on the floor, throw a nickel down, and that Negative Lincoln Head wouldn't need to spend itself to make Ted Cruz look like an idiot!
      And, crimeny, if I read a book that had a plot about corrupt, incompetent politicians without empathy that repeatedly beat me over the head with ham-fisted, pig-headed allusions to tilting at windmills, I'd stop reading that book.
      Or write it.

      She walked in the room. So great was her beauty, the lights went dim. Or maybe just I did. "Think, Damon Nekpunch, noir secret agent mercenary for hire! Think of a line! Like 'Baby, you got more curves than a bucket of Spaghettio-s!' Hmm...maybe just wait for now. Think 10% sexier."
      "I'll maybe just wait," I nodded. Oh, shit, said it out loud! "Wait for what?" she asked questioningly.
      "For..." I grabbed a business card off the desk, "Waiting for Hamilton Chris P. Bacon, CEO. I hear he's quite pigheaded," I said answeringly.
       The door burst open. It was someone thinking this was the bathroom, who left red-faced. Another door burst open, a door that represented my every desire: made of curves of gold, mahagony, an encrustation of diamond beyond count, and a side of fries. It was like a super real good door.
      He burst in, hand full of pages of paper. Held in the hand of Hamilton Chris P. Bacon, CEO. They spilled on the floor as he roared, as a boar or wild hog might, "WE MUST BURN DOWN THE ORPHANAGES--" he paused, then put the last paper down. "Wait, is this my 11AM meeting?"
       I thought, "'You have more curves than a pig's tail.' Cause chicks dig pigs"
       Looking at him, she said it. Said it like I would, in the outside voice. "You...literally have the head of a pig. Like a snout, and beady eyes. You clearly have been wallowing in your own filth. Yet, strangely, kind of cute."
      He nodded in a way that emphasized his porculence. "Oink," he said. "I want you to meet my friend!" he squealed. "He is like a carnivore that scavenges corpses! He is--"
       The third door burst open. As doors go, only okay. An insane looking old man burst it, knocking down the janitor and also the person looking for the bathroom. "MY EARS HAVE CANCER!" He pulled out an AR15 with 2 100-round magzines, and opened fire.
       Five minutes of gunfire later, he said "Did I kill the WINDMILL?"
       Bacon paused. "No you didn't...DON COYOTE."
       She facepalmed. I said "Don't you get it? He looks like a COYOTE with a MANGY BEARD--"
       "YEE--HAAAW! TEXAS IS THE BESTEST!" he yelled, in the classic yell of all proud Texamen. I was about to ask "Are you about jump out a skyscraper window", when he did hey guess what.
       An assistant ran up as a loud crunch was heard, followed by a car alarm. "My god! He's landed on--"
       Hamilton asked "Is it my car?"
       The assistant's shoulders slumped. "No sir," and he turned the alarm off with his remote.
       I always think carefully, some say even very slowly. "Maybe 'You have more curves than that guy made bouncing off that car?' Hmm. Too sexy?"
       Bacon turned to us, like on a spit. He seem cured of any worry. All Beef Frank with you, he was not All Chicken. He Mustard Forgot all his past life. Before this, he was USDA choice and Very Tender.
       "Can you help me eat by picking up my slop? Kinda hard for me. I AM hamfisted!"
       "JESUS!" she said. "Fuck this, I'm converting to Judaism AND Islam just to get out of here."
       I was about to yell "MORE CURVES THAN REALLY HOT SEX!" when Hamilton escaped, carrying a jug marked "ORPHAN POISONS". I ran like Tom Cruise fast, but he jumped into a chute marked "PECCARIES ONLY." How could I follow? He savagely oinked in glee. He was free...to kill orphans, with poison I guess, and to spread his baloney.
       I knew exactly when I'd failed. I just hadn't watched enough YouTube PUA videos.
       (POST CREDIT SEQUENCE)
       She closed the report and facepalmed. She looked at the camera, then walked away shaking her head. "For this," she said, "I fought the fat kids, skinny kids..." Her voice trailed away "...kids...who climb on rocks..." She shut the office door and turned off the light.
      In that order. "OW! DAMN DOOR ON MY ARM!"

3/8

       I haven't posted in 3 weeks? How time flies when you're having eye drops!
      (puts them in, blinks a lot) Oh yeah, Daddy needs his medicine! My vision in Bad Eyeball prior to surgery was 20/50. I see at 20 feet what you see at 50. It's now 20/25, and my night vision has greatly improved, although only maybe because I can now see the right hand curb. I could've got 20/20 for $1200 extra, which I could afford thanks to the COVID stimulus check, but "Bill with no glasses" would just seem weird. Glasses help my transition into Stephen Colbert territory. Not "Handsome and witty older guy" but "Forehead wrinkles and glasses hiding my eyebags." I'm glad I have to wear a mask, because who wants to see THIS nose?

      A prolonged conversation at work with a woman who insisted that the PF Chang meals can't be 50% off if they're $4.99. I did my best to agree, without saying that they've been that price since we opened a year ago. (In CT, it's not a sale if it doesn't end, so I don't know why they do this. The Marie Celeste Pizzas For One have been 50% off the whole time as well, but they taste like you scraped the toppings off and microwaved the box [this law is to stop those stores that are "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!" 364 days a year]). "I've bought these at Big Y for $2.50!" Then go to Big Y, lady. This went on for 5 minutes.
      About 40 minutes later I was running some inedible, poisonous damages to the back to be thrown out (this means the box had an unglued side, even though the product is in a bag and it meant nothing [these mainly go to FoodShare, not the dumpster] {boy I love nested paragraphs!}]) Somebody, I assume talking to someone else, and I heard in passing "So, did you FIX that MISTAKE?" It was the same woman. Lady, I stock the shelves. I should've whipped my phone out and pretended to speed dial. "YEAH, is this Johnny Shoprite? Get him on the phone, I gots to have WOIDS wit' 'im! Oh, he can't talk right now, he's got Mr PF Chang's ding-dong in his mouth? Yeah, I'll hold." (hums to hold music) "The girl from Ipanema goes walkin'..."

      For no reason, I've been thinking of Mr Poopy Pants memories. You may remember him as the coworker who--pooped his pants. He was an amazing asshole in other ways.
      Maybe it's because I went on Vacation for Eyeball recently, but the first story I thought of was my first week of vacay at the liquor store (the not-evil, Drunken Toddler free one). Either Jessica and her then coworker/future husband Ron asked "What are you going to do?" I said, answeringly, "I think I'll do something crazy, like get my oil changed! Then I'll probably tone it down a bit."
      Mr PP said "You get your oil changed?! That's a SCAM!"
      (I'm sorry I can't do his voice here. He was a tall, reasonably muscular guy, but it was this horrible squeaky thing that changed pitch constantly. Like a Muppet that realized that for his entire life, someone had shoved their hand up his ass. He knew nothing about wine, so he described all wines as "Fruity and oaky!" He said that to a customer and placed the bottle in front of me and a coworker once and walked away. I picked it up and read the label. "This says dry with NO hints of oak. Yeah, fruity like your voice, oaky like your head!")
      "A scam? Don't you change your oil?"
      "NO! You do it, and 6 months later, they want you to do it again! Maybe you're that dumb, but I'm not!"
      A pause as we think "Oh fuck ya you are", then all say "You HAVE to change the oil, or you'll destroy the engine!" ha ha, no we didn't, we reviled the guy and didn't care what happened to his car. Which was parked on his cheap apartment's lawn, as apparently his landlord didn't mind that, and PP walked to work anyway. It was some 1980s slab of junk like a Buick LeSabre that got more gallons than miles. I think I said "You don't even use it. Why are you paying property taxes on it?" I forget his angry, sputtering response, and the conversation changed.
      Months later, he got a new landlord. It seems he did not like the look of a lawn gnome the size of a small boat in the yard, so PP was required to move it. For some mysterious reason, the engine wouldn't start. It was destroyed somehow! Rabbits, prolly. So he had to have it towed. It wouldn't move, for some mysterious reason, like being left to rust out on a wet lawn for over a year. So he had to get one of those giant tow trucks, the ones usually used to tow semi rigs, and it left big ruts in the yard. So he had to pay taxes, 2 towing fees, and for some property damage. But think of all he saved on those $29.95 oil changes!

      Amazon’s Hitler Mustache Logo, and other logo design disasters

      Maybe will mean nothing to you born after my time (the 1910s; can you believe they put that libtard Lincoln on OUR pennies?!), but nostalgic feels for me:

      

      

3/15

       Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! For the fifth time in 7 months, my arraignment for sinking the Lusitania has been postponed. Technically, a show never ends if it never began.
      My lawyer BIL says that the hearing would likely last 10 minutes and end in a dismissal of charges. But 5 times someone has scheduled it, rescheduled it, wrote a letter and mailed it, and updated it online. Unless that whole process takes 2 minutes, I think they're falling behind.

      Hey, I get to have a sonogram! There won't be a gender reveal party, it's because I might have a thyroid condition! Getting old is awesome!
      I know from Kill Kill's thyroid, this is just a matter of medication. But now I have to find someone to grind my pills up and hide them in my wet food.

      A coworker said something to me from half the aisle away--I couldn't understand him, so I went back to stocking. Then he made an equally incohorerent store-wide page over the PA. He ran up to me and said "There's a customer passed out cold on the floor!" I didn't know what to do either, so I called Customer Service, who also didn't know what to do. (Future me: dial 911)
      EMTs turned up very quickly, but she laid unresponsive on the floor for another 30 minutes. Then they were gone, so hopefully it worked out. It didn't make the local news. Funny part: He was told by a customer "There's a girl who needs help in the next aisle." He thought she meant help finding a product.

      It took a year, but something finally went out of code in frozen. It was exactly what I predicted it would be a year ago: Star Wars ice cream sandwiches released as a Rise of Skywalker tie-in. Maybe the tagline shouldn't have been "Remember the taste that movie left in your mouth? Now you can have it at home!"

      Nikki Van der Zyl, the Bond girl you never saw. She redubbed almost every female voice in Dr. No, and more in other 007 pics.

      Animals reviewed 1 to 5 stars

      The bizarre tale of the world's last lost tourist, who thought Maine was San Francisco. I wouldn't describe it as "bizarre". "Feel-good", yes.

      I was in the "Wait for an investigation" camp with Cuomo's pretty obvious transgressions, but, yeah, hang it up, dude.
      He really lost me when he used the words "cancel culture." Dude, you're comparing yourself to the greatest Americans who ever lived, Mr Potato Head and The Cat in the Hat. Then he said this: "When I say [makes violent "air quotes" with fingers] "'AIR QUOTES' "experts" in 'AIR QUOTES' [ends violent "air quotes" with fingers] It sounds like I'm saying I don't really trust [makes violent "air quotes" with fingers] 'THE EXPERTS' [end violent "air quotes" with fingers]..." You don't get to say "AIR QUOTES" while making air quotes, with your fingers spasming like a Boy Scout giving semaphore signals that say "I'M BEING BIT BY ALL THE SPIDERS". (The Boy Scout has tiny flags on his fingers, and he's teaching the spiders about the countries in the United Nations for a very obscure merit badge, without realizing spiders only use Morse code. Is the joke funnier now? Sorry, just trying to ground the metaphor in reality)
      Covering up COVID death numbers, accused of so many harrassment crimes...Well, Andy, it looks like the end of your presidential bid!
      Unless you switch parties and start saying bigot stuff. Then you're [VIOLENT AIR QUOTES] in!
      (can be seen here)

3/21

       Got to work and there was panic. The power had just gone off! I saw my boss and said "Here we go again. I'll grab the shopping carts so we can throw the whole store away."
      Then the generator kicked in, and it wasn't a bad one like last time. We have a real generator now, not one that just powers the registers. The freezers came back on, not just the registers. Then it went out again and hour later. The store is 2 football fields wide, and we're the farthest from the doors, so yeah boy it was dark. Then the lights came on quickly (again), so I checked to see if the thermometers were low, or if the fans were just blowing warm air. All of them had lost 5 degrees in just a few minutes. But the pizza aisle went from -8F to 36. Did they never come back on after the first time? We kept putting stuff out, just not there.
      I checked again, and the temp was dropping quickly. Good! But the very next set of doors, Appetizers/Snacks, was now 36, despite being fine 10 minutes earlier. Then it came back up. And the next set, Pasta/Misc, was now 36. Of course, that came back up.
      What was the deal? It moved from the front of the aisle to the back. Was Bruce Willis crawling through the air ducts? Man, I don't want to eat anything Willis-scented.

      The store had one of their crazy sales, this time on Goldfish crackers. I grabbed them from a display, and they were Marvel themed. They're "fun-shaped." There's the Avengers logo, as I guess even they weren't lame enough to make a circle and pretend it was Captain America's shield. There are relatively recognizable recreations of Black Panther and Iron Man's helmets, and a Black Widow, which is...her torso? Oh, I get it--it's not her hourglass figure, but the hourglass you would see on an actual black widow spider's...torso? Kinda weird. And there are the usual Goldfish shapes, except some are red. Are they supposed to be the Red Skull? Maybe I am eating something Willis-scented.

      A Blight on Soviet Science, featuring a true hero, and then Lysenko. Marx said that Communism would lead to "a New Man," and Lysenko took this literally. In a single generation, it could be possible for humans to evolve to a higher form! (Spoiler: this is not actually possible) He proved this to Stalin by cutting the tails of off mice, and they gave birth to tailless babies! You'd literally have to be the stupidest person in the world (aka, Stalin) to think this would happen--if humans missing an arm each have kids, are their babies born without an arm? (Spoiler: fuck no) Just yesterday I saw this cartoon. Kinda sums Lysenkoism up.

      The Stories Behind 15 Pasta Shapes. Not sure I'd eat "little worms" or “priest stranglers.” Although I have eaten the worms.

      45 Times People Didn’t Think Their Message Through. "I'm Pregnat Call Me"?

      Also, I just realized that the Quick Topic comments board has had me signed out all this YEAR. It's not letting me to sign in. So, I wasn't ignoring anybody. I'll work around this, but it's 3AM here, and I need to go to work tmw.

3/26 to 4/??

       Always, always, when my internet goes down, it happens late on a Friday or Saturday. Not 6AM Monday, when I'd have an extra business day to get it fixed or be sent a new modem. My modem died of old age. I have another modem they sent me, but that's never connected once, so they replaced my defective modem with a defective modem. But it didn't matter back then, as the first one Lazarused itself back to life.
      I used the store wifi to try to read my email, but gmail wouldn't take my password. I tried to get it sent to my phone, but for some reason it's the number of a phone that doesn't work. At the library (still in lockdown mode!) I had a passcode sent to my Hotmail account, but of course that had a password that I didn't know. All I got from that was some free DVDs, so not a total loss. (1953 War of the Worlds, 1982 The Thing, and a Battle of Britain one that will be worth the nothing I paid, as it's on junk label Madacy. I used to tell customers not to buy their stuff, as half of it would come back)
      So, sitting here typing something that who knows when you'll read, because there's no way to upload it.

      I wondered why I was thinking about Mr Poopy Pants stories when it hit that it started when work had sexual harrassment training. It was pretty boring, as they covered every damn possible form of harrassment, sex or otherwise, for 2 hours. They did have a plotline about a guy who's upset that his female Pakistani coworker is getting abuse from all fronts. You think he's going to be the hero, but he obsesses over being her white knight and becomes a stalker. Thing I wish I'd said during the meeting: "Dude, get a job at Minecraft! They hire creepers!"
      If you knew Mr PP, you'd think he'd have some sexual harrassment experience. Way back in the day, like 24 years ago, he walked to work and Jessica drove. He had a car, but, you know, didn't put oil in it. He asked her for a ride home. She thought it was odd, but it was on her way. They got to his roach motel and he just sat there. She said "Well--here we are!" He said "Would now be a good time to kiss you?"
      "N-nooo..." she said, gripping the door handle and getting ready to pull her keys out the ignition. He left. The next day she came in and showed PP what she'd added to her keychain: "It's pepper spray!" she exulted. Dumb as he was, he took the hint.
      From her, just not anybody else. If you were a woman and remotely attractive, and usually at least 10 years younger than him, he'd hit on you. He'd get hostile if he was turned down, bad-mouthing them to the owners. There was a high turnover in these women. One--to everyone's amazement and horror--went on a record 2 dates with him. Apparently, for him that was the "I paid for dinner, you owe me sex!" threshold. She refused. Later I saw her and Jennifer behind the register with him. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but their reactions and his anger-twisted face indicated he wasn't wishing her a happy day. He stomped away, and they exchanged disbelieving looks. She went to the owners. What transpired, I do not know. I do know she quit the next day.
      Oh, he'd also harass any guy dating a coworker he wanted (to bang). He did this to Jessica's future husband and another guy. When Jess & Ron broke up for I think 3 months, a rumor started that I was dating her, (A story for another time) and he began attacking me. It ended overnight when they got back together.
      "You like blonds with short hair, right?" asked the coworker who also being abused by PP because of his hot GF. "There's a new girl at the main store, her tits are huge, and she's hot! But...she knows she's hot, and 'I'm hot' is her whole personality. All the other girls hate her because she flirts with the owners and gets away with doing nothing." I only saw her once, in a gaggle of ladies cooing over a month old grey boy with giant feet. After that, I didn't work there.
      There was a guy who quit the place to be a beer salesman. I was literally his replacement, and he loved to gossip about the place. He said that after Blondie refused his advances, he went to his old harrassing ways. She went to the owners, who again were all "Boys will be boys!" with their pet shithead. She refused to quit, and "One guy hates her for not fucking him" rarely holds up as a valid legal excuse for dismissal. The next day she came in with her parents. They made it clear that if Das Poopenator didn't back off, they'd be back with their lawyer. This was also laughed off.
      Guess who came in 3 days later. Hint: he was wearing a lawyer's suit and serving a lawsuit. Hah hah, how could this be bad?! The owners told everybody about the suit. The employees, the salesmen (how do you think this ex-employee knew?), and knowing them, even the delivery drivers. A week later as I was doing my beer order, I asked the salesman about it. "I don't know anything new. Their lawyer told them to shut up." Remember--the victim still worked there, and every female was letting her know what they were saying about the case. Is me lawyer? No, but me is pretty sure you don't do that.
      I forget how much time elapsed--maybe 3 months max--when I asked again. He said "They settled out of court, and she quit."
      "How much was the settlement?"
      "They won't say."
      "Oh--that much, huh?" He just smiled and nodded.
      And I hope you enjoyed this installment of "Some people you should fire, but just never do!" of the Poopy Pantheon. I at least have one other story, called "Cokehead gets a credit card!" It's debtastic!!

       I've been watching Marvel's The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. It's good so far (two eps), mainly because of the chemistry of the bromance. Since I was TOTALLY (anti-)CORRECT about AIM being in WandaVision, I'm going to tell you what happens, spoilers obvs:
      New Cap is an asshole. This was in the comics. In them, the concept of Captain America is owned by the government. Reagan fired Steve in the 80s, and replaced him with John Walker. He turned out to be a fascist thug, leading to the inevitable Cap1/Cap2 battle. You can guess who won! (Walker. This was in the dawn of the "gritty" period of comics, marketed to angry 14 year old boys in their thirties. So he became "USAgent," and is still around. As a good guy who's a thug) My guess is, since the bad guys are hauling bootleg Super Soldier Serum, he's going to take it and become the real bad guy. (This is already hinted at, when his partner says "You're not going to be able to punch your way out of everything now."
      And Reagan firing Rogers wasn't the first time. A group calling themselves The Secret Empire almost took over the USA. Their uniforms were all black, but exactly Klan robes, so sublety. They were led by The One. In the climax, Cap chased him into the Oval Office. The One tore off his hood off-panel, and Cap said "YOU--You're THE ONE!" Then The One killed himself, at the president's desk. Cap gave up the uniform, and became a guy who called himself Nomad. This plotline occured during Watergate when Nixon was president. His campaign slogan was "NIXON'S THE ONE!" Sublety!
      Since they're blowing through minor league villains really quickly--Flag-Smasher, groovy man, when's Angar the Screamer--I really hope they get to the C-list ones. Such as my favorite of all time, Swarm: The radioactive Nazi skeleton covered in bees! Mutant bees, because regular bees would just be ridiculous.
      They formed his musculature, and, like Batman, he wore a cape, cowl and heavy gloves. Man, worst job must've been glove bee. "Zo, Kapitan Amerika! I will crush your puny country, and rule it with an iron--Vait, hangen zee on." (removes glove, shakes suffocated bees from it) "BEES! I need fingers! No, not you bees, you're regular bees, mutants only. Ah! Here ve go, ...And rule it vith an IRON BEE GLOVE! Vait, vhere'd he go, he vas here ein second ago..." CAP, at Home Depot: "Yeah, biggest can of wasp spray you got."
      Oh yeah, he talked. Did he have a larynx made of bees? And also lungs and a trachea and tongue? How could his bee tongue not sound like wet sloppy bees? "NOW--I vill KIL YOU ALLLL!" would come out like "BZZOW--BZ bz BZILL BZOO BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!" Guy in audience: "What?" Swarm, exasperated and pointing: "Bzzow...Biz bz. BZZ..BZZZZ...BZZZZZZ!" "I think he said free pizza!" "BZNEIN! Bzno bzfree bzpiiza!!" "HEY GUYS FREE PIZZA!" (trample Swarm; bees fly away) Swarm, lying immobile on the ground: "Oh, zis is great. Now I'm just a regular Nazi skeleton, vith no bees. At least I'm still radioacative, so zat's zumthing. I feel sorry for the Nazi skeletons who aren't radioactive.. Vait, how am I thinking of zis? Is mein brain also just bees?!"
      Did the bees bee-place all of his organs? Does the radioactive skeleton that identifies as Nazi have a bee-intestinal tract? Does he poop? Does he poop honey? Does he wipe with a slice of toast? "Mein Gott, Kapitan! Zis toast is so good, vant some? Nein? Oh vell, more for me!" nom nom nom "I'll be eating zat again in 12 hours!"
      I will be very angry if the show uses the "therapist is actually evil" plot. It's been done..

      With nothing to do, I watched the free DVDs. The Thing is still creepy and borderline a comedy. War of the Worlds was remastered, and that old Technicolor combined with soundstage sets makes everything look like a painting. There's a weird ending, but I don't think it counts anymore as a spoiler: the Martians are killed by "the tiny creatures God in his wisdom put on Earth." (evil midgets) What's weird is that the director/writer/SFX guy, George Pal, was super Catholic. The way the film goes, it really seems like God don't give a shit about the millions being slaughtered by the Commies from Mars--until they attack a church and blow out a stained glass window. Then, pow! they start dying. Little slow on the smiting there, Jehovah.

      The Madacy was predictably awful. It was a "Why We Fight" feature. This was a series of propaganda documentaries (propamentaries?) made while WWII was still raging. So you're not getting the actual historical facts--pretty sure the German aircraft losses are inflated, and the British ones lower. But it was fucking Madacy. No remastering in the slightest--not even cleaning it up. Their CDs got returned as defective because they didn't even remove the record pops and hiss. The picture jumped so much, it looked like they just pointed a shakycam at a TV screen. This got fixed--about 5 minutes in. They realized they fucked up, but couldn't be bothered to restart. The sound was grating. I recntly bought as an Amzon video The Fabulous Adventures of Baron Munchaussen by Karel Zeman. It's a great movie, but a rental is $6 and buying it was $11, and you can't make a hard copy because Bezos is that big of an asshole. It came with subtitles--which is weird, because I know there's an English dubbed version. And every subtitle had this weird diacritical artifact that made them start with "{/an2}". This meant that whoever coded them never even bothered to check even onceSo, my modem was supposed to come yesterday. but ow it's tomorrow. I went to Staples to buy one, because if I had a backup (that WORKED, unlike the last one they sent me) this owuldn't've happened.
      If I had a cable modem, rather than living in the far-tech future of DSL ten years ago, I would've been fine.

      The modem would be here Tuesday. Then Weds. Then super for sure on Thur the 1st! Ha ha, April Fools!! Then it was just "whenever." They don't even have a date that it's scheduled. I am not happy.

     So far, the only good news in the last week is that, as the Ramones might say, "AY! OH! I'm all vaxxed up and ready to go!" Single hot at the store, so I actually got paid to get it.So, my modem was supposed to come yesterday. buy now it's tomorrow. I went to Staples to buy one, because if I had a backup (that WORKED, unlike the last one they sent me) this wouldn't've happened.
      Then it was today, and I thought "If it does come, it won't work. They'll send me another defective modem." It came, and Hey Guess What. There's a service outage in my area. How convenient! For them. And until it ends, I don't even know if the modem is the problem.
      Merry Easter! jMaybe Jesus is back from the Deads, but my internet isn't. Of course, it's Easter, and Passover, and maybe Holi, and Ramadan is in a week, because every religion has a "Thank our Deity it's Spring!" one, maybe in Hobbiton it's I Love 2nd Breakfast Day, how should I know, I'm not Hobbitish because I like shoes. My net's still out, so fuck every holiday..
      Well, the outage ended and the modem didn't work. So we'll find out in a few days if they send me a third defective one.

      I got up this morning and the modem had magically fixed itself! Coincidentally, it's my birthday, so happy birthday to me.

      I'm simply running out of DVDs to watch and books to read. I used up 10 weeks of crossword puzzles 2 days ago. 1 thing I did watch was Muppets Tonight, unjustifiably forgotten c.2000 series. Plenty of "rollyour eyes and groan" puns from their 70s heyday, but also so much more that's truly LOL. It was contrervisial due to it's "jokes the adults would get" bits. One invovled Billy Crystal and Miss Piggy recreating the orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally, except it was about faking a sneeze. It...really was just that scene, and went on uncormfortably long. But it was fun, every guest star clearly loved being on the show. I'm surprised that Garth Brooks didn't choke on the scenery he was eating. John Goodman was tormented in one ep by Piggy's nephews, who I would call idiots except that would insult the Idiot-American community (hey guys, how's that QAnon thing workin' out for ya? Maybe Trump had his brain transplanted into Biden's skull! Wait--that's a thing you believe?!) Obvs when Goodman asked them to save him while he was hanging out a window on a rope (long story), they tried to throw him a life preserver, and it was the radiator the rope was tied to. But I did not expect them to enthusiastically refer to it as "How about this thing that makes our hands smoke and blister?" Being pork, it likely smelled good.
      It was the first half of the one season, so I didn't get to hear my favorite lines. Thor and Zeus meet in a public library and begin flinging lightning bolts--Thor, "OH, my medieval BUTTOCKS!" a clear ref to Pulp Fiction, and of course, the saddest words ever uttered..."Nobody loves Robot Lincoln!"

      Speaking of great lines, here are a few from the 1950s Japanese movie Evil Brain From Outer Space. This involves an evil brain, and in a suitcase that is not brain-sized.
      "What was in that case? You mentioned a brain or something."
      "Ah, the suitcase? It contains nothing of value I assure you. Just a diseased guinea pig."
      "It's imperative tnat it be destroyed! To do so will be difficult, as it's indestructible!"
      "SIEG!" (the evil aliens from Planet Zima make you drink weird 90s fake beer, and dress like Nazis and throw Hitler salutes, almost as if Japan wanted to say "Hey, we weren't as bad as those other guys!" Not a high bar to cross, my dudes) Their main attack method is throwing syringes, which always works.

      25 Inventions You May Not Have Known Were Introduced By Women. I was interested to see that laser cataract surgery was invented by a Black woman. My opthamologist fits that description.

      The evolution of the USA. You don't have to watch it all. Just look at Pennsylvania at the start. What's that long blue striped to its west? It's Connecticut! In colonial times, the British crown wanted expansion west, so they fixed CT's borders on the north, east and south, but let the western one to begin anew where PA ended. In theory, CT could strecth to the Pacific, 2500 miles long but only 60 miles wide. This ended after a thing called the "Pennamite War," which wasn't a war but a massacre of CT settlers by PA. In the furue Ohio in a place called Wyoming Valley. "This is not who we are!" they say after every massacre. Yes, that is exactly who we are as a people

      

4/19

       Looks like I'll finally get my day in court this week. (As you may remember, I blew up Alderaan) It's been a fun time waiting--horribly sick from allergies for 3 days, for one. For two, Friday night my heat went out. I'm not freezing to death, but the guy couldn't find my unit on Sat, and was to come today Mon, and I'm currently waiting for a call back (for a third time!) as to whether this is happening. The Condo Ass knew nothing about this, as I guess their "emergency call line" likes to keep its little secrets. So, until the 22nd and the Trial of the Century, just links.

      Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie: The oral history

      Hand Soup: Blunderous Foibles of The English Language

      What Every State Is Famous For, According to a Brit. The Connecticut one is accurate. But if it wasn't for us, NYC and Boston would be one giant city made up of screaming angry assholes who think it's okay to drive on the sidewalk "SO WHY AREN'T YOU, YOU [ethnic slur] ASSHOLE?!?! EAT A PIZZA WITH BEANS ON IT!"

      50 Times People Just Had To Take A Screenshot Of Americans Being Unbelievably Clueless

      Oh, I did get to see both my sister and Jess. Both of these visits were awesome and triggered the allergies, so it's not like I've been catching a lot of breaks lately.

4/24

       So today was the day, 18 fucking months later, that I had my court appearance. And in a moment, the results of that trial.
      And by "a moment," I mean in 5 weeks. I was told that I'd be assigned a defender, but since then I got a job, so I guess now I have to hire one.
      The very kind and patient clerk said that there were lawyers right across the street. It just hit me that I *did* have a job when I was booked, so why the cop told me they'd assign me one is weird. I'm going to do some web research. You'd think they'd give you a pamphlet or something ("So You Have An Arraignment! Here's 5 Fun Facts You Should Know!"), but I guess I'll find out. Thank god I have 5 weeks.
      Know how saying "You need to calm down!" never calms anyone down? Here's a new one: telling yourself "Don't have a panic attack!" also doesn't work. If the clerk had been hostile, I would've collapsed.
      It's now on 5/27. At least I have time to find out what I'm supposed to do.

      I've been reading a very old comic strip called "Secret Agent X-9." That's his birth name, I guess; no one calls him Fred or anything. Interesting facts: it's written by Dashiell Hammett, who invented noir detective Sam Spade. It's currently very involved with espionage during WWII, involving an Unnamed Country and their Secret Police, which is so obviously Nazi Germany that it's weird they don't just come out and say it. I guess that's because the strip is currently dated October 1941. In about 6 weeks, the tone of the strip will likely change dramatically.
      The plot involves Bond James Bond 9 X-9 and a friend pretending to be corrupt US naval officers in the hopes of flushing out saboteurs from Germany Anonymouslyvania. Their cunning plan: a fake letter that they know Navy censors will open. It's signed "Luff Waffer." That's the best fake name they could come up with? How about Jack Boot, Gus Stapo, Craigs Marine, Uwe Boat or Floda Reltih?

5/3

       After 12 days without internet--which wasn't easy, we had to eat all the sled dogs, which was heartbreaking, but then we ate Chad the MAGA guy, so it kinda balanced out--I had a week without heat. Starting on the day it snowed 3 inches. Was it on a late Friday, just like the net outage? OF COURSE IT FUCKIN WAS
      After X Business Days, they came out and turned the heat on! Which would not turn off. In a day, it was 89F/32C which, you know, hot for mid April. The poor HVAC guys, no one has ever come here and said anything but "What deranged madman wired this place?!" It's like MC Escher decided "What this condo needs is non-euclidean geometry!" I know I'll have to pay for the new thermostat, but I'm pretty sure that the condo assoc will be billed for everything else. The guy was super thrilled to discover that they'd put essential controls boarded up in the ceiling. I asked "Why would they do that?" and he said "It has to be because of the fire code--wait, this isn't fireproof, this even isn't fire resistant!" I left at that point, because I knew he had some words he hadn't chosen to use yet. He had to get a 2nd guy, who also wasn't happy. This is why you should always be nice to people--They got mad, but at the Condo Ass, not me.
      The guys were back the next day, still unhappy. But now there were multiple units in 2 buildings with the same issue, so the condo's going to have to try hard to bill this to us. (Note: This is the only time they try hard at anything)
      It was so hot Old Man Byron lived in the bathtub.

      What is with breakfast cereal mascots? Are they all thieving drug addicts? Is Sonny coo-koo for Cocoa Puffs, or coo-koo for Cocaine Sniffs? Hey, Barney, Fruity Pebbles are not that expensive, but you break into your best friend's house and steal them. He's got a baby to feed! You're stealing Pebbles from Pebbles! Do you also go into his medicine cabinet, and there's a tiny mastodon in there who hands you a bottle with its trunk and says "Want some oxy?" (looks at camera) "It's a living!"
      Everyone wants Lucky the Leperachaun's Lucky Charms. "Green clovers, pink hearts, blue meth!" Just once I want the Trix Rabbit to finally get that bowl, take a bit slobbery bite, then blow it all out. "BLAAARGH!! WHAT THE FUCK, IT TASTES LIKE SHIT! I've wasted my WHOLE LIFE!" and he turns and slowly walks away. The kids stare silently at his retreating, broken form. They look at the pile of vomited cereal. They eat it, because these kids are ADDICTS! Police call them...Trix Heads.

      If you need to relax, here's 50 Of The Most Wholesome Rescue Pet Photos

      I coined the word BLiM, meaning Blinky Lights Machines. Every computer in old movies, right up to Alien, used them. Just rows and rows of Christmas lights, blinking in no pattern. Today, that has been replaced with FLiMS, Floaty Lights Machines that hover in front of you in 3D. You swipe that one horizonatly, the one next to it vertically, the one in the middle with a clockwise spin--now that's Intuitive! Marvel movie Floaty screens are like using a touchpad with your nose. "Jeez, this has a lot of nose grease on it." (wipes with hands) "It just cancelled my account because it wasn't my nose print!"

      Remember that Catholic cereal, Wafer-Os? Judas would always be trying to steal those from the Last Breakfast! "I'm jonesin' for Jesus, jonesin' for Jesus!"

      In court news, my attempt to see if I qualified for a por bono lawyer went like this:
      "Do you own a home?"
      "Yes."
      "Is it paid for?"
      "Yes."
      "Is there any reason why you couldn't afford a lawyer?"
      (pause; while thinking "I make minimum wage at 28 hours a week)."No, but it doesn't hurt to ask."
      (laughter)
      I think I'll have to pay for this.

5/11

       Yeah, I'm paying for this.
      A thousand simoleans, to be exact. Beats jail! I talked to the lawyer on the phone (the free part), and we hit it off well. He liked when I called it "a bespoke sawed-off" and said it was for committing suicde, "Spoiler alert: I didn't die." He also spent 17 years living in the same condo complex.
      I met him in person yesterday. I was 10 minutes early for the appointment. He was not there. I tried to call him, but my government cheese phone decided not to work. Then he arrived, maskless, which is a big faux pas in CT, and also technically illegal. His tie was pulled down, the back of his shirt untucked, said "I think I have a mask somewhere" and he didn't. In the office, he found one, and not exactly how the conversation went there, but something about his cracked phone and modern technology, for like 3 minutes. I was starting to get a real Lionel Hutz vibe there.
      But he got on track, took many, many notes, asked good questions. He started saying "I can't guarantee this won't go to trial. There is a very slight chance it might get dismissed--like 10%."
      After an hour, and all the ridiculous details about the 18 months it took to even charge me, and I went to the cops rather than the other way around, he ripped a page off his notebook, said "Okay, let's get this from the beginning." I talked about my sister Patty, and he said "Patricia?" "Yes, she's had many names over her life, it's currently Patty." He said "Patricia is my mother's name. It's one of my favorite names." I meant to ask him if my attire was courtroom appropriate, but he didn't say "Maybe not wear the 'Fuck Da Police' tshirt, and also wear pants." (J/K, it was a c.1990 dress shirt and a c.1964 red tie. This is how I roll--old)
      At the end, he repeatedly said "This will NOT go to trial!" Worst case: Accelerated Pretrial Rehabilitation and maybe community service. I left feeling Yes, I can Believe This Is a Law Firm! Look for results around 5/27.

      CAPTAIN YAJIMA, the greatest 1960s Japanese kids show that never actually existed!

      

5/18

       Byron, a month before his 18th birthday, clearly has arthritis. He has trouble walking, and can't even go to where he's lived since kittenhood, the window to the courtyard. I gave him a stepstool to climb into his new favorite spot, the bathtub.
      I had to go to work after showering, so I tried shooing him from the tub. Then I turned it on (the faucet, not the shower), and his feet were getting wet but he wasn't moving. So I picked him up and put him on the toilet seat. He slipped and fell on his right side, probably because his feet were wet. He got a giant claw caught in a bath towel. I freed him, and that was that, four days ago.
      But today he was limping. Then his legs kept stumbling and crossing. Then, for 20 minutes, he couldn't stand up. So I made an emergency appointment at the vet, and of course called Jess because--well, you know me, panic attack oh lawdy it comin'. She talked me down.
      He was complaining constantly, but didn't try to kill anyone. He was too tired. He has a meatball-sized abscess, probably in his intestines. It's on the right, which his the side has trouble walking with. It's sapping all his strength. The vet says he has "weeks to months" left. As long as he's eating and drinking and "not in obvious distress," he's okay. There's nothing to do but wait. Remembr his Tower of Solitude? That went on for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. I've already moved food and water to the tub. I've already brought him treats and People Food there. I'll shorten my showers to getting my hair wet. If he wants to live there, he will live there like a KING.
      I had a bunch of my comedy stylings lined up--"What's the deal with those idiots hoarding gasoline? People don't have to buy toilet paper, but your Charmin stockpile ain't gonna burn your house down!" and such. Really not in the mood, but here's some stuff I found offsite:

      All the Animals American Men Think They Can Beat in a Fight and Why They Can't

      “We were fighting the birth rate of a nation.” A short read, but a still relevant snapshot of the USA's idiotic foreign policy: ‘Folly From the Start’ — Revisiting America’s Fatally Flawed Thinking About the War in Vietnam

      This 50 minute silent video is TOTALLY NORMAL IN EVERY WAY.

      

      

5/21

       Byron Bigfoot Young, 6/16/2003-5/21/2021
      
      

            

5/25

       Monday night the bigfooted boy was fine.
      Tuesday, he couldn't stand. I rushed him to the vet. That much you know.
      I thought "He might not last months, but he should last weeks." Weds morning his back legs stopped working. He could drag himself, but not far. I managed to get a tiny amount of food and water in him. I hoped he'd make it to my next day off, because he clearly was suffering.
      Weds evening, I knew it was time. The vet was closed, so I'd call the next day. I knew they'd rush him in.
      I've been going to VCA Vernon for 20 years. The original vet worked until he was in his 80s, not because he needed the money, but because helping animals was his passion. The place began to change after he left. The receptionist on the phone was a voice I didn't recognize. She acted like asking for an immediate appointment was a waste of her time. At least twice they've called me to ask if I could cancel a routine visit because they had an emergency, and of course I said yes. She just said "We're booked." I said "But he's suffering!" "I'm aware of that!" she snapped, and told me to call back tomorrow.
      There should be 3 categories of visits, dealt with in this order: 1) "My pet is sick, please save them." 2) "My pet is dying, please end their suffering." 3) EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE. Was every appointment for the first 2? She just didn't want to call anybody to see if they wanted to cancel.
      I called out of work Weds, because taking someone you've loved for 18 years to death is not an easy decision. My boss was very sympathetic--just days before his parents had to put their cat to sleep, who he'd known since he was 11.
      Byron was a mess. He could barely move. His abscess was now the size of half of a baked potato. What if he died when they were closed? I cleared off a shelf in my freezer just in case. I'd probably have to throw all the food out should it come to that. DJ was constantly checking on Kill Kill when she was dying, but he'd give Byron one sniff in the morning and then avoid him. This might be because he smelled like death, like rotting fish as this evil growth destroyed him.
      I planned to call in on Thursday, but after being shot down, I went in & worked. I stewed all day over VCA's indifference. When I got home, I knew it was probably just this one uncaring person, so I left a message on the after-hours voicemail. Maybe someone other than her would hear it. They opened on Friday at 9, and I had a callback at 9:01. Yes, they could squeeze him in, and it wasn't the first woman I'd had. Funny how 2 times they could do it, but only 1 time that they couldn't.
      At the vet, his eyes were open, but besides his breathing, he looked like he'd already died. "He doesn't know what's happening," said the vet as he gave the shot. I kept petting Byron and saying "I love you!" And then it was over.
      Because of a coworker's vacation, I was scheduled for 5 days and 30 hours. I worked 3 days and 16.5 hours. And then ShopRite did what it bizarrely seems to always do--give a part-timer paid time off. They put me in for 28 hours. These businesses that whine about how the workers they laid off during the worst of the Trump Plague won't come back because their unemployment pays more...Here's a concept. Maybe not treat your workers like you don't want to retain them. My job has a high turnover, mainly of people who are lazy. But they do stuff no other retailer does to keep the ones they want to keep. Maybe people don't want to go back to McDonald's because the work is grueling, thankless, and you wanted to pay them $7.65/hr to potentially get sick and die. Bring the minimum wage to $15, maybe they'll come back. Stop this "I swear, baby, come back and I'll stop getting drunk and beating you! As much!" bullshit.
      As for me? After the 2 week nightmare of depression after Killy's passing, I'm sad but good. And DJ? Given how much he adored his brother, he seems okay. He accepted KK's demise, and I think he had a pretty clear idea that Byron is gone. The only changes I've seen is that he seems a little down. He gets in my lap more often, but leaves quicker. He sleeps with me all night, rather than jump out to visit his cat besties.
      I thought I'd have to get a new cat. He loves me, but any time his siblings even moved, he fly from my lap.
      How do I tell if he's lonely and wants a new friend? I googled and got:
      "If he's clingy, or if he's aloof. Eats too much or eats too little. Sleeps too much, sleeps too little." So...any change at all? Obviously, I can't tell after a day, but can I get an answer besides "everything he does or doesn't do"? He's never told me he wants to be an astronaut, but he's never told me he *doesn't* either.
      It's only been 4 days; we'll see. (Of course, then I gave up on Google and went straight to Jessica the Sane Cat Lady, who had much good advice)

      (record scratch as topic abruptly changes) Ever see that video where Mark Zuckerberg eats? No, because there are no videos of him eating. On his planet, they maybe just absorb nutrients from moonlight.
      (scene: world's most expensive restaraunt)
      HU-MAN, lifting fork: Boy, this looks great!
      MARK: (jabs fork tines straight down with his fist, lifts food, stares) YES. I observe this in 35.2 megapixels, and "great" is how it looks.
      HU-MAN, putting food in mouth: Umm...You going to eat that?
      MARK: In my TALK-HOLE? How will Mark Zuckerberg talk with object in talk-hole?! Very well. (puts food in mouth and leaves it there like a chipmunk's cheeks)
      HU-MAN: (makes chewing motions with hands)
      MARK: Mmph? OH. (points at jaws and chews) (spasming) GAHH! GAAHH!
      HU-MAN: Does it not taste good?
      MARK: I run Facebook, you think I have taste? OH. Object in talk-hole. Yes. It taste. It taste. (food begins to come out of his ears) What? I thought all holes besides talk-hole and breathe-holes are excretion organs! Borrow napkin? (wipes ears, hands it back) I permit you to sell that on Facebook stores. Click my thumb to like.
      Sorry, sometimes I deal with grief by getting goofy. My father died, and it led directly to monkeymaniac.

5/28

       I was waiting for my shitty-but-free and worth-every-penny government cheese phone to boot when my lawyer walked in, only 10 minutes late. His excuse was that he was at court in Putnam, and on the drive back got stuck behind a cement truck. Believable, as Putnam is where Jess and I regularly meet, and it is the worst stretch of road in CT, as there's only 2 places to pass. (Okay, I-95 through New Haven is worse, so bad that they're going to rip it down...and also Rt 9 through Middletown, where you go from a 75 MPH highway to a series of traffic lights...I digress) He had to make a phone call, and pee, was utterly disorganized, and I don't even remember what else made me literally hold my head in my hands and say "That's it; I'm doomed. I'm not just going to prison, I'm going to Devil's Island."
      But he got his act together and ran over the salient details of my impending doom. "I'm going to shoot for AR," he said, meaning Accelerated Rehabilitation. This meant that the worst that could happen to me (if it was accepted) was community service. We walked across the street to the jammed, noisy courthouse. We walked up the stairs, then down the stairs, then I sat and waited while he talked to the prosecutor behind the scenes. For those of you who have never been to an arraignment, "stairs" and "sitting" are 90% of what happens.
      He's a nice guy, and nice guys don't always finish last. The eyes of literally every person he talked to lit up when they saw it was him. They say that the "squeaky wheel gets the grease", but the squeaky wheel also gets spit in their food. I filled out an AR form ($37.50 fee). We went down the stairs, we briefly spoke to the probation person. "Everybody loves Danielle!" he said. When she came, he said "Don't worry, this guy is squeaky clean!" (He also said "Oh my goodness!" a lot) The door to the office had a curtain of plastic paperclips.
      Everyone had personalized oddities around their workstations, kid's drawings or clipped comic strips or cute magnets and such, probably because they deal with a really depressing job. In the lobby, you could sense the dread. I was the only person there alone. One guy was in his construction workers visibility vest, staring at the floor while his wife sat by. A younger guy was apparently with his parents, and my brain absently thought "South Asian, Indonesia, Malaysia maybe."
      I really can't give you a precise timeline besides Up/Down Stairs, Sitting. I wasn't nervous--what good would that do me--but finally we went into the arraignment courtroom. There must've been 15 defendants in there, including a few that looked on the verge of tears. There were only 5 lawyers, one per client. Were the rest using the public defender? Nothing wrong with that, but I learned you have to be super poor to qualify for that. All were white, except that Asian kid. I thought "Please don't call people in alphabetical order, because then I'll be here til tomorrow." Also, they all dressed like they were going to Burger King. The only non-lawyer in a dress shirt and tie was me. How could dressing for "I realize this is very serious" hurt you?
      The first up's name began with J, so that was hopeful. He was the kid. The acoustics were strangely bad. The lawyers and judge were all miked, but the judge was the only one you could clearly hear. He had filmed his UConn professor during class. If you remember Jessica's nephew filming "drunken BACON JALAPENO MAC'N'CHEESE!! UConn asshole guy" from a few years ago, that's perfectly legit in a public space. However, he was caught "uploading it to a porn website with the title 'Sexy Professor mumble mumble Students mumble'." Not sure what the prosecutor mumbled, but it doesn't seem too hard to guess. That is harassment, even stalking. He pleaded guilty. The judge asked many questions as to whether he was coerced, drunk, offered gifts to plead gulity. He hadn't, Your Honor. He ended every statement with Your Honor, which is a good idea. She gave him a sentence of 6 months, completely suspended, with a year of probation. She repeated this 2 more times. She added that the only condition of his probation was that he would have no contact with the victim, and told him "You could be deported." Shit, that's harsh, but I'll bet he'll comply.
      Next up was guy whose name began with B, so I have no idea what order they were going in, but it's not the slow way for me (the next called's last name began with Y. Oh, sorry, spoiler!) It was the same prosecutor. He clearly thought "What an idiot, but he admits that" about the kid. The next guy, he just wasn't having it. This guy, he'd gotten so many DUIs that his license was suspended. Then, he drove 3 more times, and gotten a DUI each fucking time. (flashback: I sawed my shotgun off when my friend Holly was killed by a drunk driver) "My client knows he's facing jail time. He's unravelled every thread with his friends, coworkers and family," said the lawyer in a metaphor I can barely parse, "trying to get rides to his job." Why...the fuck is this guy not in jail NOW? He had an ankle bracelet, but he wanted an ilock (I assume that breathalyser you use to start your car) and wanted a curfew, and...He has a job still? It sounded like one of the incidents involved a company truck. "He's complied with every order the court has imposed!" The prosecutor said "OH FUCK NO HE DINT!" (He didn't say that; I'm just going by body language) and ran down a long list of things, all of which basically boiled down to "He's a menace to others on the roads!" and he was clearly pissed. The judge said "I'm sold on the ilock, we're only talking about the curfew!" She also added, directly to the defendant, "I remember the last time you were here. Very much so. I usually leave 2 lines of comments to myself. For you, I left TWENTY lines." They set another hearing date--apparently this has been going on a long time--so who knows. Also, the defense pointed out that he's lost the support of his friends and family and his wife left him, but "he has a trans kid to take care of," WTF. I'm sure the drunk guy was super supportive when they came out.
      "The court calls William Young."
      Fortunately, before this I'd already pointed out to my legal counsel that his fly had been open the whole time. I really don't remember the words, except the prosecutor saying "He bought the weapon, presumably legally and unaltered, at K-Mart in 1984. When the weapon was seized by the police, the barrel and stock had been cut down, making it a 12 gauge sawed-off shotgun." And he closed his manila folder. Now, all that is true. I'm guilty as fuck. Except the seized part...
      My lawyer immediately pointed out that it was not seized, the cops couldn't find it, it took my BIL 20 minutes to find it with precise directions, it was turned in voluntarily, I turned myself in voluntarily, I hadn't touched the thing since 91, I was "despondent," which I guess is legalese for "suicidal," it's been 21 months since this began, I went through the STEPS program and then had 6 months of 1-on-1 therapy before my therapist said "I don't even know why you're here," he's been fine since then, and "Your honor, there is no victim in this case."
      She asked "Does the prosecution have anything to say?"
      "No, your honor."
      I was sentenced to Accelerated Rehabilitation. Basically Probation Lite. No one to report to. Only condition: Don't own a gun. Yeah, I think I can not own one, fuck, I don't want to even see one unless it's in a movie. I do have to keep my nose clean for 6 months. Since my last run-in with Johnny Law was about 6 years ago over a burnt-out taillight, I think I can do that. Except maybe the fucking taillight; no, Honda, it's not a simple counter-clockwise turn; I need a tool.
      Then--Stairs! Sitting! Back to Probation! Danielle asked me the basic questions, like height (not much), weight (even less), and then laser-focused her eyes on me and said "EYE COLOR?!" It was then I noticed that her eyes were ice-blue, but with a warmth behind them. "Brown." AR fee: $102.45.
      Since none of these policey things can go without some weird question--at my booking it was "Do you have all your original teeth?" "Yes, they are here in this box." This time it "Do you have a twin brother?" I--what? "Yes! He's evil and has a beard, and--crap, I'm the one with a beard! I'm the evil twin! If this is a soap opera, I'm fucking his wife, if it's a sci-fi show I'm scheming to conquer the Universe! Wait, wait, I have the next part written down on this card--Oh right, 'BWA-HAHAHAAA!!' Was that good? I can do another take."
      The fact that they ask you this question under oath means that "No, that was Twin Brother violating my probation" has been used as an excuse a lot.
      Then I stair-ed and waited for my paperwork to be processed. The case right after me was a guy in his 30s named Bart, because maybe his parents hated him. Here he asked my lawman "Were you my attorney 12 years ago?" And he was! My lawyer even remembered his name! (Does he have a sister named Maggie, and a brother named Krusty?) I did my best not to listen, but 3 people in a tiny, echoing room, kinda hard not to. "Did you graduate?" "No, after...that...everything fell apart." And my lawyer told him that he started college at 35, took one course at a time, never set foot in a classroom, just took all the tests. Because he was focused, he had his BA quickly and his law degree not much later. The former client was very enthusiastic about this, and said "I'm so glad I ran into you! I'm going to do that!" I don't believe in fate, karma or anything like that. But I do recognize the Butterfly Effect. One tiny action can trigger another. I've always referred to Holly being killed in 1991 as "the pebble that started the avalanche," which led to the sawed-off which led to the Sinkcident in 2019 and the court date in 2021. Will this random meeting lead to another ripple, with this guy going back to college? I like to hope some good can come from this.
      After thanking him, I told my lawyer "No offense, but I hope I never see you again!" Because I may not. When 11/25 comes around, I don't have to do anything. It's done and I have no arrest record.
      It only took 21 fucking months and $1231 in legal and wardrobe expenses! The American judicial system pays off again! Liberty and Justice for all that can afford it!

      I admit to being a little on the manic side once I got home. What could spoil this bullet-dodged good mood?!
      And I got a phone call from the vet. I thought "Is this the person who gave me a hard time over scheduling Byron's exit and cremation?" And she said "This is VCA, letting you know that we have the ashes in from--
      BRIAN."
      Oh. My. Goodness.

6/4

       I'm still, a week later, parsing that "EYE COLOR?!" question/demand. She went from 0 to 60 thousand in an instant. I jumped at the wild change in tone, while my lawyer didn't react at all, as if he knew it was coming. Was this some weird test? I don't react that much to blue eyes--my father and 2 of my sisters have them. Hers were strikingly blue, like you might see on a fantasy novel's cover with a Legolas ripoff. If I yelled back "BLUE!" would the deputies come take me away to Eye Color Jail? Was it like WWII, when the French Resistance would punch English speakers with no warning? If they said "OI!" they were French but pretending to not be. If they said "OUCH!" they were American. And "ACH!"--sorry, Fritz the Nazi, you're about to have a terrible day.

      I know from my beer manager days that ordering product is tricky. Especially holidays--people will buy "fancy" beers for gatherings, trying to cover up that they normally drink Bud Light. Usually Heineken, Sam Adams, and Corona, none of which I would consider "fancy" and one that liquor store workers refer to as "rat piss." (If your beer requires a slice of fruit jammed down its neck, prly best to buy anything else)
      A grocery store overbuying Easter candy in 2020? Sure, who the hell knew what was about to happen. But baked goods on Memorial Day weekend 2021? It's called "the weather forecast." It rained nonstop and never got above 45F/7C. But I saw apple pies that could fit in a steel-belted radial tire with no room left over for a fork. 2 days later, I saw that the breakroom had some of what they couldn't sell, flag-themed "tear-apart cupcake cakes" which I'd never heard of. But for a guy who was once 1 month from living out of his car, FREE FOOD!! is always a draw. So I grabbed one, not realizing that they were so covered in icing as to make them actually grossly slimy. I reflexively tried to lick it off my fingers--Oh, right. Mask still on.
      The mask mandate had ended a week prior. We were told that if we were fully vaccinated, we could take them off. If we didn't want to, sure, leave them on. I was the first person in the store to wear a mask, and damned if I'm not going to be the last one to stop. My April allergies are done, but my Sept ones are around the corner, and they're already saying that it's gonna be the worst flu season ever. No one got it last season, so no one got immunity, and no one's going to wear a mask next time. I couldn't get the icing off, and of course this happened the day after I did my laundry. I thought "There are worst things you can smell than cupcake icing!" and put it on. 45 minutes later, I thought "I'm sure there are, but I can't think of any right now."
      I'd say 50%+ of the employees stopped wearing masks, but only about 20% of the customers stopped. So I was waiting on people, feeling like I was going to icing-puke, without being able to explain "No, I'm only maskless because I put my finger where it didn't belong!"

      My nephew (Jackson, the one who was Ubered home after his bad reaction to his 2nd vax) was told via email by his boss that masks were no longer needed. He went into the breakroom for coffee, and the Office's Resident Angry Person screamed "WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING A MASK?!"
      "[Boss] sent an email saying we didn't need one if we're vaxxed."
      "NO HE DIDNT!"
      "Check your email."
      "THAT'S FAKE! I'M CALLING HIM NOW!!"
      She then argued with the boss. She then said to Jackson "It's up to YOU to wear a mask!"
      "What? I'm fully vaccinated!"
      "BUT I'M NOT! I don't BELIEVE in vaccines! It's up to YOU to wear a MASK, so that I don't get SICK!!" He rolled his eyes and left. She picked up her phone to call HR.
      So...vaccines only don't work for you? Then they do? There's some cognitive dissidence! I wonder who she voted for in 2020! (no I don't)

      Sarcastic And Clever Illustrations With Unexpected Twists

      Cursed T-Shirts That Take Things Off The Rails. I have my favorites, like 1 & 7, but who wouldn't want #14?

6/10

       Shower thought for the day: Is it morally wrong to eat a cannibal?

      For no reason, and certainly not based on reason, I thought yesterday "Today is going to kinda suck."
      I have this stupid antitheft iLock that I've hated since I got my car. It won't start without it being deactivated, which can take half a second or 10. I left for work, and it was blinking red ("off"). Then the blinking stopped. 5 minutes later, I was cursing it (more than usual), and realized it had fucking died. I grabbed the spare key, but that didn't work. Nothing works without it--I'm not even sure that the wheels turn with it off. I called Honda, left a VM after talking to a clearly confused operator (they don't sell the wretched things in that dealership), then called work. I was borderline panicking. What could I do if a tow truck couldn't get it to Honda and deactivate the little fucker? Nothing works!!
      After hanging up, I thought "...but the headlights should." So I checked that, and the battery was dead. It had chosen that exact second to die.
      After 10 years with this car, I don't know why "dead battery" wasn't my first thought. The last time was March 2020. So AAA jumped it and I went to work 2 hours late. So, the day kinda sucked.

      Hey, that Marvel Loki show was really good! Gonna go with "mysterious villain" being an alternate Loki. It's right there in the fonts used in the title sequence.

      I got a free subscription to a physical magazine called Den of Geek. Yes, a stupid name, but it's comics and sci-fi and video games and free. I expected some newsprint rag, but it came on the most expensive magazine paper there is. Graphics just burst off of the page! "Must be full of ads," but I flipped through it and only saw a few. I read 3 pages and thought "This IS all ads." I read 3 more and thought, No, worse than ads. Ads try to entertain you. These are press releases. If you haven't knowingly read one, imagine Donald J. Trump being described by Donald J. Trump.
      One I haven't read--they're not super interesting--is about Suicide Squad II. I got a good laugh at the cover. We have King Shark, who literally looks like the 1970s SNL Land Shark ("Candygram!"); Weasel, who I thought was based on the Looney Tunes Weasel that tangled with Foghorn Leghorn, but is apparently based on Bloom County's Bill the Cat ("AAACK!! Thppbt."); Peacemaker, who is famous for wearing a toilet seat on his head (at least it isn't colored porcelain white in this version); and Polka-Dot Man. He is a Batman bad boy of the 50's Goofy Era. His power is shooting you with polka dots. He manifests baseballs and flings them at you. A human Nerf gun. I'm guessing that the first SS was so bad, that they're just embracing its inner moron and going for comedy. Comedy being a thing DC movies are extremely not good at.
      There was another issue I did read, mostly. It was about...(checks cover) Jupiter's Legacy, a new Netflix superhero series. It was due to come out in--2 weeks? I read multiple sites that won't shut up about comic books being made into shows, and I'd never heard of it. The AV Club sites had 7 seperate articles about Loki the day it aired. But nothing about this.
      It's based on a comic book by Mark Millar, who opened the issue with a long tribute to his own genius, including "There are now only 3 comics universes--Marvel, DC, and the MILLARVERSE!" And the 2nd article was also by him. He is a very stable genius, believe me, everyone is saying that! (makes weird accordion-playing motions with arms) Good to see you don't suffer from low self-esteem, Mark.
      The rest of it was very press-releasey. 5 fucking pages on the costumes, which are 3D printed so, kinda interesting for a sentence. They finally got around to the characters, their backstories and their powers, and even that wasn't interesting. They are all related and have family conflicts. There was a mention that they don't get their powers until the last episodes--maybe even the last of 8, but no earlier than 6. That's not a superhero story. That's a soap opera. Not that there's anything wrong with genre mixing. The reinvention of superheroes was the Fantastic Four, and that was a soap opera half the time. When they weren't defeating Galactus or turning Skrulls into cows. (Look it up)
      A week after the first ep, I found it mentioned on ebert.com. They gave it a solid "Meh." I wouldn't hear of it again until ep 6 of 8, when they cancelled it. Think about that: It was costing Netflix more to stream it than they would to ever get their investment back. (I googled, but the only cost I could find quoted was Mr Millar, who claimed $100M, so it might have really been $400 and a free salad bar) Maybe it's time to face it--Marvel can make these things, no one else can.

      If you remember the phrase "video nasty," congratulations on watching The Young Ones and living to a ripe old age. But apparently it was more frightening than Lemmy's face hamsters, it was Thatcher's version of Reagan's 80s Satanic Panic: "There has never been any compelling evidence to suggest that consuming horror films makes people more violent; that should be obvious from even a cursory glance at human history. Blaming horror movies for societal ills was an offensive distraction from those ills, and an easy way to shift the focus away from the raging sexism, racism, homophobia, and wealth inequality of the time."

      Name problems. The worst I ever got was being named "Bill" and being subjected to "OH NO, MR BILL!" for 40 years. Every single person who made that joke over 40 years thought that they were the first to make it, and laughed their ass off at it. Look: it's not funny if you have to supply your own laugh track.
      The people in the post have it much worse. Names I've seen in the wild: Lavatori, Sweetlickey, and Suckling. You couldn't just change it? I knew a guy in college whose grandfather's original German last name was Schwarz. When he came to America, people kept pronouncing it "Schwartz." Since Germans of a certain era had...opinions...about being mistaken for Jews, he changed it. To "Black," which is what it means? No. Beezer. He chose Beezer, and his family all had pretty big noses. Was "Big Honkin' Honker" already taken?
      I had 2 friends named Richard. One went by Rich, the other by Rick. I once was behind a car with a license plate frame that said it was bought at "Dick Beard Motors." He chose that name. I think I know who would win in a fight between Dick Beard and Rick "Buzzy" Bee-beard.

      Cursed & Cringe Food Parodies That Thankfully Aren't Real

      So THAT'S where my Dawn Wells figurine came from!

      

      

6/21

       DJ was extra clingy the 1st 2 weeks after those big feet walked across the rainbow bridge. Now, he comes up to my lap maybe twice a day, and never for long. He does sleep with me all night. He spends time lying on the bathroom floor. If that sounds odd, he has never had a period in his life without another cat, except for when his brother was adopted out a week before I got him. He and his bro were kept in a big bathroom. It means comfort to him. I also think it means loneliness.
      So we will get a new cat. From Our Companions, whom I adopted him from. Both KK and Big B were utter acts of fate, and so shall the next one be.

       Not the Onion: "The pro-homosexual agenda is rearing its ugly head in your children’s cereal, possibly at your local grocery store. Hitting some main chain grocery stores in May, Kellogg’s created a new, “Together with Pride” rainbow-colored, heart-shaped cereal.
       "This is sickening and perverted. Leave our children alone!"
      It's...true. My mother actually served my sisters and I a cereal that had--marshmallows in it. And we all grew up to be leprechauns! (does a jig)
      This is a thing you learn from cereal. How to be Gay. Oh, how different my life would be if I hadn't been running away from kids trying to steal my pots of gold, and instead had studied welding! That's a thing you learn from eating Weldie-Ohs! Instead, I asked the tech school guy "Could I instead learn gay welding?"
      (gruff, grizzled voice of a long-term cigar-smoker): "Sure, kid! Gay welding is in the thoid classroom down. Youse can see them by their burnt and stained heavy denim overalls, because kid, they is fabulous! They accesorize widdit! Be warned--can't graduate until you're super gay though!"

      30 Of The Famous ‘Unsolved’ Mysteries That Have Actually Been Solved. Does not answer a question that appeared unbidden in my mind recently: What does Trump smell like? Yeah, you're wondering now as well. You're welcome!

      Thing I just found out about: The Sparks Brothers.

      

      I bought a ticket when I found out today was the only time I could see it in a theater. Like most decisions made at 2 AM, I questioned it just 90 minutes before going. I'd forgotten to check--how long is this documentary that would look just as good streaming on my monitor? Two and a half hours, so nearly Avengers long. I cancelled the ticket. Who knows which of the near-infinite services it'll turn up on.

6/29

       Mundanity Tonight!

      I did the laundry. When I cleaned out the lint trap, I said "This is a lot less than usual!" Then realized it was lint colored. Not "grey haired boy who shedded a lot" colored.
      Possibly I am one of the few people who has ever gotten depressed over dryer lint.

      My phone fell and broke. "It fell" usually means "I dropped it." Not so here. I'm at a loss as to how to describe how it happened: I took out a tray of chicken from the toaster oven using an oven glove and needlenose pliers, and I couldn't move further. The mitt had lost the little plastic hook that would let me hang it, so I replaced it with a paper clip. The clip had somehow gotten inside the phone's charging cord. This is because it's bent enough--just enough--that it could grab the cord. Odds of this happening are--how should I know, like guessing your old phone's password with no information low--and I had 350F of chicken in my hands, and I couldn't quite reach the stovetop. Since I had no idea then what was happening, I just kept moving. I could've put the tray back in the open toaster oven, I thought as the phone popped off its cord and hit the floor.
      It popped open, battery laying naked fo all to see. This is my Government Cheese Phone that I got by signing up for Medicare. I deeply unlike it much. I couldn't figure out how to get the battery back in, although of course, just press it in! I could. It just refused to fit. The side of the phone had already split open on its own, like it was about to give birth to a giant egg sac of 4G spiders. Maybe I'm lucky it didn't give birth in my pocket, spewing battery acid all over my leg.
      I tried to get this thing to be an actual thing again. As a phone, it was always a good brick. It takes forever to make a call, and does not understand what "dial an extension" means. It connects to the net, but slow and dumb. I emailed Medicare if I could get a new one, expecting "Fuck No!" in about 8 weeks. For no reason, I plugged in my very dead flip phone.
      And it worked.
      I'd given up on it because it changed from my old carrier to Virgin Immobile. They refused to let me use my phone unless I re-entered my password. Dude, this is Kevin's old phone from 15 years ago, I don't know the password! So I called their customer service li--wait, a phone company that has no phone support? I sent to their website for a new password. They sent me one, 6 characters long. I went to my phone, which possibly Kev had wrenched from a mummy's withered hand, and it would only take 5 characters.
      What...character was I not supposed to use, besides any played by Adam Sandler? I punched in the 1st 5. "YOU HAVE TWO MORE ATTEMPTS." I got a new password. 5 digits. Same result. A newer new password, and "YOU HAVE TWO MORE ATTEMPTS." Since 5 characters equals 10,000 possible combinations, and 6 like, I dunno, 6 more?, I gave up. The phone eventually died. Because of my car's unreliable battery, I only need a phone to call AAA, so I plugged it back in. An act of the purest optimism.
      And it works. Maybe it was the charger that died, and not the phone? I once plugged my Kindle into it and it drained the power from it. Virgin stopped charging me a fee for the phone, so there's another reason I thought it wouldn't work. Are there no burner phones with 10 hours of prepaid time on them anymore? That's what I need.

      Has the concept of "glasses" changed in the last decade? It been about 10 years since I got new ones. This led to me getting cataract surgery and about 14,000,605 doctor's appointments. Finally, it ended up where it began, WalMart Optical. I said I didn't want bifocals. The optician didn't say anything, and in her defense, I didn't ask anything. When they came, I could see superawesome at a distance, but everything closer than 2 feet was double vision. Oh, they said when I went to order new glasses, the bifocals had 250% near-vision. So I did the scrip with bifocals, and--WTF are these things? They're at the bottom and look like picture-in-picture Youtube. Nothing focuses in them. I need to walk down 3 flights of stairs, and It's like I'm looking through Jell-O. Since mainly I need glasses that don't fall off my face, I'll try them at work tomorrow. Then, see if I can return them again? If WalMart says No, whatever. Maybe I don't have my Cheese Phone, but next year Medicaid says I can get another pair of specs.

      Ultraman marathon 7/10! Promises Ultra7, but I'll bet it's not that one that aired 20 years ago on Cartoon Network. Space Ghost fans may recognize a phrase associated with U7, "WEEE--EE are the Hot Dog Men!" It was dubbed in Canada, and it wasn't MST, it was subtle in "Hey, this show is like a joke, I'm gettin' some poutine. We need Moosehead?" (rest of room, screaming at the top of their lings) "YEAH THANKS THAT WOULD BE LIKE REAL NICE OF YOU!!"

      Here's one that I found funny: Ultra 7 (TNT English Dub) - Episode 41: Killer Lake. You can find others here on a Google. It's only legit if the TNT slug is in the lower right corner. And the video looks like shit recorded 20 years ago. Otherwise, it looks great, but you have to make your own jokes. (And you will)

      Basically Obvious Plant, but for telephone poles. Note: the 2nd is 30 images long. Obvious Plant is about 730. Plan your boring work downtime viewing accordingly.

7/10

       This would've worked better on the Fourth of Month, but I didn't see it then. If you're at work, play it LOUD!

      

       I lost 10 days when I sent in my cat adoption application. Their site rejected it, without telling me that it did. I found out that it was refused because I didn't answer a required question, without it going to it so I knew what it was. I had to scroll down a long application to figure it out. "How long have you lived at your current address?" 34 years. "If you have lived there less than 1 year, tell us where." Since my math says "34 is a larger number than 1," I ignored it. No, it HAS to be answered. It took 3 tries before it took my answer, and no, "N/A" didn't work--it was filling in all the blanks with gibberish in multiple fields. My zip is 00000 and I live in Afghanistan. Yep, that worked. Shoulda been "If No, fill in the next boxes." I think even I could find a way to program that correctly. How many people are not like me, and just don't check when they get no reply?
      I JUST got a call back after 3 days of phone tag. They'll be checking my references. My only worry is that they'll call my condo and not ask "Do you allow cats?" but instead "Can he have more than 1 cat?" That's going to torpedo the whole thing. They repeatedly pestered BiL John about the number of cats I had when I was in the nuthouse, because then they'll charge me $35 a month. Even though I was grandfathered in, as they just squeezed that "rule" in after I already had 3. Then they said it was okay. Now--well, it's the Condo Ass. All they want is money that they give me nothing back for. (I owe THEM $573 for a 50 year old zone valve in my garage that failed, and failed for multiple units and buildings)

      It isn't Citizen Kane. (SPOILER: Rosebud is his salad) It's not 2001. It's not even Paddington 2! It's--
       VOYAGE INTO SPACE
      And it IS the greatest movie of all time! If one defines "movie" as loosely as possible. It's a Japanese show from the 60s that was jankified into a movie-like object. Note the dreaded Gargoyle Gang. But not for long. They get killed by a nuclear explosion about 15 minutes in. And they come back. And they get killed again. And then again...Their health insurance is very good, it includes resurrection. And this is the least insane thing. One of the giant monsters is a fucking stress ball. Another is a giant floating eyeball. It gets defeated with one punch--to the eye. Jonny Sokko's bodyguard is a giant robot, cleverly named "Giant Robot." Although the titles call him "Flying Robot." And the big bad guy calls him, very consistently, "Giant Ro-butt." The bad guy looks like an eggplant dildo. It's fucking GREAT! I have seen this oh-so-many-times over 35 years, and I still find new things in it. Thing you could miss: the G-Gang gets killed around time 20th, and one corpse falls on a rock and clearly thinks "Ow, pointy!" and adjusts his rigor mortis accordingly.
      It's also the best English-dubbed movie ever. Stellar voice work. By the enthusiastic cast. Never look at the mouths. NEVER--LOOK--AT THE MOUTHS
      Dog-headed Rasta bodybuilder monster swallows train; apparently has train station in stomach. Nice job NOT coming up with that, 2001!

      Another movie everyone hates but I love! It's not Mortal Kombat. It's not Godzilla vs Donkey Kong. It's not even Last Year at Marienbad! (that was based on a video game, right?) it's SUPER MARIO BROS.!
      With added footage, none of which really adds anything to it. But try to watch it anywhere else. And the bad guy isn't an eggplant, but still a dildo: He's 1999 Trump. Yes, that's what they did. Casting Dennis Hopper as King--no, President Koopa was a masterstroke. The people behind Max Headroom warned us in 1999, but did we listen?

      14 “Obscure Beauty Trends” Throughout History That Sound So Bizarre Now

      Last Place comics

      Creative Misuses of The English Language

      Don't talk to strange Nazis: 41 Times Video Games Were Surprisingly Wise

7/15

       Well, that de-escalated quickly: the cat adoption place phrased the question to my Condo Ass the way I didn't want them to, so I won't be getting a cat from them. A noted, self-described "cat smuggler" went into great detail about how I could fight this (she was on her condo board and knows their tricksy ways), but I'm not going to try. These asswipes are infamous for their pettiness. I'll just get a cat from somewhere that won't ask them. Coincidentally, this Han Solo of Felines happens to be fostering 4 kittens...

      I was told that there would be no communication between the court system and me, not even a confirmation that my AR/probation had ended. So, hey guess the whats, they sent me a letter informing me that "you are responsible to provide proof that you have completed the following special condition(s) of your probation:
      "No Weapons--Do not possess any firearms"
      A tad problematic, as there is no way to prove a universal negative. "Prove Bugfoot doesn't exist!" "No, you have to prove that it does exist--Wait, what was it called?" "BUGFOOT! He has ants for legs!!"
      I was going to call my lawyer, as I'm pretty sure he still owes me for the Cleveland I gave him. He said to a former client at the courthouse that he'd only "had 10% of my usual business" during the Plague Year, then hastily and worriedly looked at me to see if I overheard. Yes, I dropped a Grover, but as the famous philosopher E. J. Fudd said, "I'm not going to Alcatwaz!"
      But I didn't call him. I'm assuming it's just some weird legal thing they do. (shakes can of Raid) "I'm a-comin', so GET A WHEELCHAIR READY, BUGFOOT!"

      I got my work performance review. I asked "The one I was supposed to get in February?" I got 24 out of 27 on it, which is the highest score you can get. 24, not 27. Some weird corporate logic says that no one can get a perfect score. I wonder if that applies to upper management? I got a 35 cent an hour raise. Every 3 hours I can buy something at Dollar Tree! But I get it retroactive to Feb, so...like a lump sum of $170, maybe. My boss said "Your next review won't be so late!" Since they're every 6 months, the next one is in 3 weeks. Another 35 pesos! Three weeks later, the state minimum wage goes to $13.10/hr, so another raise! To $13.10 or $13.80? Do they compile? Either way, it'll be what Republicans call "WAY TOO FUCKIN' MUCH! Our senators have to squeeze by on $170k, plus Exxon bribes, and we only get more than 6 months vacation a year!"

      What Is the Most Damaging Conspiracy Theory in History? I would've gone with the Jewish Blood Libel that has killed millions over the millenia.

      Suicide Squad's Polka-Dot Man, a ridiculous old Batman villian, now attacks people with cancerous tumors he rips from his own body. DC sure knows how to make fun superhero movies! Wait until you meet FIV-Positive Catwoman and Explosive Diarrhea Lad!

      For the exactly nobody of you who wondered what was going to happen when the 1941 comic strip Secret Agent X-9 finally passed the date of Pearl Harbor--it went from calling the baddies "foreign spies" to just "Nazis." Probably a relief to the writer and letterer, as "Nazi" is easier to print than "very fine people on both sides."

      
      

      


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