It Jumps, It Squeeks,
It Reviews Strange Movies



      Dino de Laurentiis on a possible sequel to his 1976 version of King Kong:
      "I am think about. Maybe I am no do. But I tell-a you what ingenuity we plan and you tell me what you think. Kong-a lay dead, and how you say--scientist come apart, and Kong come like Frunkensteen--you know Frunkensteen--and he come crazy bad. He kill everyone. And Dwan [Jessica Lange] is now a big time movie star and she say, 'Hey, Kong, remember me?' She jumps in his hand, he picks her up, put her to his face, smile and then...WOMP, he eat her! You like?"
      --from The Golden Turkey Awards

      I'm making a second attempt at watching King Kong Lives.
      It opens with the closing scenes of King Kong, Dino de Laurentiis version. Kong is not a O'Brian stop-motion effect; he is Rick Baker in a monkey suit. He climbs the World Trade Center with former model and future ex-actress Jessica Lange in hand. He steps on the Observation Deck and squishes Tourist Guy. Ha ha! Tourist Guy! How 2001 of me! Fakey helicopter gunships fly up and shoot Kong with fakey miniguns (which go "squeak clik clik clik!" when they move). He spurts blood and falls nice and slow like a Macy's Parade Balloon. "OOH!" says ...you know...that guy...Jeff Bridges, yeah! He has so much 70s facial hair that it makes Kong look like he bathes in Nair. SPLAT! Kong on the ground; enough ground Kong to make a million Kongburgers. And he dies...
      Or DOES he?!.
      At the "Atlanta Institute in Georgia" (I'm sure that Kim performs as Dr Frunk N. Steen near there), King Kong is in the GAICU (well, they don't call it that, but it's like a regular ICU except it's only for Giant Apes). They've been keeping him in the ICU for TEN YEARS.
      So...One wonders about the pitch for this idea. "He was a giant rampaging menace! Can I keep him? He followed me home. I was on the elevator going 'down' at the WTC at the time, but he pretty much followed me. Straight down. And very very fast. And he'll be on life support, GIANT MONKEY LIFE SUPPORT, for TEN YEARS. I'll pay for that with my paper route!"
      "It's not his heart;" says surgeon and odd-looking nonactress Linda "Thank Gott for Schwarzenegger" Hamilton, "that damn thing runs like a Swiss watch. It's his blood. It got all squirty when the minguns fired, and got all floody when he fell 110 stories. Were you in NYC that Summer when the sewers were backed up with giant monkey blood? Hoo-WHEE, talk about your smells! Everyone had to stick Tampax up their nostrils!".
      Hmm. We're 5 minutes into the movie, and I've already typed more than I did about Bad Guys. And I'm already making Tampax jokes. Let's call this "Part One of the King Kong Lives Review."
      At this point--crap, this is twice I've forgotten his name and had to check the box--International Hollywood MegaSuperStar Hunk "Brian Kerwin" appears as a lovable rogue. "Brian Kerwin" appears (whom I will continue to call "Brian Kerwin," as he is no more "Brian Kerwin" than I am a SOUL-STEALING LIZARD ALIEN DAVID-ICKE MAN or as the Galactic Council calls them "the KERWIN,", which ONE of us REALLY IS. BUT I'M NOT THE LIZARD MAN, and THAT WAS YOUR HINT AS TO THE IDENTITY OF WHICH OF US IS).
      He is currently talking to his ass. "Bitch bitch bitch! If it weren't for me," he says to his ass, "You candy-asses would still be in Aguira (sp?) So quit your bitchin' and come on!" Does his ass come? Yes, as also does his other donkey.
      I would've thought that a donkey would be more at home in the Grand Canyon than the unidentified sweaty jungle that "Brian Kerwin's" in. His clothes are sweat-stained and dirty, but he looks like he just got a facial and feather-cut at HairPort, the Tri-Town area's regional hair salon. (local radio jingle: "HairPort! It's near the Airport!")
      "OLE MITCH IS GOING FOR A SNOOZE!" announces "Brian" as he attempts to persuade us that he is not a "Kerwin." He pulls a boa constrictor out of his leafy bed! Apparently, it's one of those baby boa constrictors that spends its days smoking opium, as it don't move much. Or at all. "Mr de Laurentiis--There's no Purina Snake Chow in your budget!" "Feeda de SNAKE? Dino no pay for-a feeda SNAKE! When he croak-a, make Dino a nice belt-a!"
      And where does "Kerwin" choose to snooze? Why, where else but the palm of--QUEEN KONG! Her giant REALLY fakey hand tries to grab and hopefully squish "Brian Kerwin," but sadly--she fails. "Holy SHIT," opines "Kerwin." "WHO YOU CALLIN' SHIT?!?!" is her reaction, and she shows off her tiny titties. Yes, she has boobies. "Good boy!" says "Kerwin" to her breasts, and there's another race between him and her fakey-fake hand. At one point, the hand's "skin" flops around like a used Monchichi rubber. Then, out of nowhere, or more accurately directly out of the opening sequence of Raiders of the Lost Ark, a bunch of South American jungle natives magically appear and shoot Queen Kong with darts from their blowguns. Naturally, the blowguns are 3 feet long and the "darts" are about TEN feet long. (Hmm, I wonder if there's going to be as big a problem with scale in this movie as there was in 1933's Kong. One guesses "DAMN STRAIGHT, PARDNER!") "Don't! Stop! You'll kill her!" "Kerwin" yells, having seen the effects of tranquilizers on Boody the Boa Body a minute earlier. Then he says "OOGLY BOOGLY WAWA MANOS! YO YO MA OOGEDY BOOGEDY!" That's Native Jungle Blowgunner language! Then Queen Kong falls, landing right on top of "Kerwin," crushing his human body. The audience cheers! But then the audience awakens to find that it was ALL A DREAM! "Kerwins" still stalk the Earth, and possess the bodies of the LIVING!!
      Negotiations begin with Linda and the GAICU. "I ain't interested in selling PLASMA!" yelps "Kerwin" into a field radio, from his jungle base of South American blowdarters and fat Jamaican women that shave him. "I wanna sell the WHOLE DAMN MONKEY!"
      Now, we live in a world where "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" became a catch phrase that was brilliant in its brevity: Only 4 short words that enabled everyone in a public gathering place to focus in on one loudmouthed white dipshit yelling the phrase, and think "What a clever and loudmouthed dipshit that honky is!" The many man-hours saved by this "Jerry McGiggles" (starring Tom "Carnival" Cruise) dipshit-identifying catchphrase was the only thing that saved our nation from bankruptcy when the Beanie Babies market fell through. It also cut down on the amount of time that it took non-whites to learn which whites were all tardy-headed! So why don't we, as a nation, as a people, as a bunch of retards nodding our heads about invading Iraq, simply embrace the coming collapse of the economy and scream "I wanna sell the WHOLE DAMN MONKEY!" as our catchy catch-phrase when we have to sell all our possessions and then fight over the remaining refrigerator boxes? It'll really take the edge off when Israel and Iraq start trading their Pokemon cards! "I pick--NERVE GAS!" "I pick--RAIN OF ATOMIC WARHEADS!"
      "I wanna sell the WHOLE DAMN MONKEY! You want JUST my canned corn?! What about my old coat, and my mutated 3-headed child? I wanna sell the WHOLE DAMN MONKEY! And I won't settle for less than FIFTY aspirin!"
      Okay, this is getting strange. And it's late. More later.
      Make this "Part One Of Many of the King Kong Lives Reviews."


      Mind you, all that typing last night represented only 15 minutes of this crowning achievement in filmmaking. Yes, it's that chockfull of goodness nuggets. If goodness nuggets were peanuts, this is a Snickers bar of goodness. For, as we all know, Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies! The same could be said of your poop the morning after eating too many Snickers bars, which is prly a better metaphor in this case.
      First dialogue nugget peanut: LINDA "Man, but I got big lips!" HAMILTON: "Sir, we're not lancing a hemorrhoid here! We're replacing a heart!" What? Kong's "Swiss watch" heart you said was perfect FIVE MINUTES AGO? Call 911 to the Continuity Police! And, Linda, this movie really IS like a hemorrhoid lancing. (I checked my Pocket Websters to make sure I was spelling that right. Websters' definition of Hemorrhoids: "Piles." Definition of Piles: "Hemorrhoids." "Pus-filled ass blisters" is not in the dictionary)
      I'm going to write a Film Noir and have the detective's name be "Lance Hemorrhoid, P.I."
      "I've got Harvard on the other line!" says "Kerwin." And what if the operation fails? "Then another university will have the only living ape!" direly warns a nameless guy in a labcoat. Yes, how the halls of academe compete to have their giant monkeys. That's a really big draw for new students. "Hey, this dorm smells like a gorilla farted in here!" "Well, close the window then!"
      "Kerwin" sells his WHOLE MONKEY! He hugs the fat Jamaican women who's been shaving him throughout the phone call. "Kerwin" isn't allowed to handle sharp objects, I guess. But her hand slips when he grabs her, and the straight razor slices his fool haid off quicker than you can say "Nicole Simpson." Oh, wait, it doesn't. I was just having a little fantasy here.
      A cargo plane full of monkey lands. Unsurprisingly, the cargo plane is about 1/3 the size of the ape. Hilarious peanuts from the dialogue toilet: REPORTER: "How did you get the monkey out of the jungle?" "KERWIN": "I left a trail of bananas!" Uproarious laughter! REPORTER: "Are you planning on breeding her?" "KERWIN": "You mean personally?" Reporters ROTFL! REPORTER: "Can I nail-gun your fucking head to the tarmac?" "KERWIN": "Be my guest, it's not like I'm using it for anything!" KA-CHUNK! goes the nail gun! LINDA "My head is shaped like a shoebox with a Dolly Parton wig on it" HAMILTON: "Where'd he get that hat, Camp Beverly Hills?" BILL THE SPLUT: "WTF was THAT supposed to mean?"
      "Okay, let's get to work!" says Dr Hamilton. Yes, it's that moment we've been waiting for, open heart giant ape surgery with comically oversized medical equipment! Paging Doctor Prop Comic! An IV bag the size of a sleeping bag! A tray of instruments that includes giant clamps and pruning shears and salad tongs! A big ol' artificial heart that is so big ol' that it's clearly out of scale with Kong! The world's biggest electric bonesaw! With a big warning label that says "Keep fingers or hands or any part of your person away from blade for any reason. This is the world's biggest warning label!" The beachball-sized cotton swabs on loan from the Ripley's Believe it or Not Odditorium!! The world's biggest machine that goes "PING!"
      A giant claw machine pulls Kong's Swiss watch heart out, and drops it in a big bin marked "PURINA DOG CHOW." Phrase heard the most in the Operation (the Goofy Game for Dopey Giant Ape Doctors): "More suction!" Girlfriend, this movie defines the word "suction." The artificial heart (World's Biggest) goes into Kong, and the screen turns dramatically black...Then...KONG PARTY! Those crazy Atlanta Institute kids go "Kong Krazy," jumping around while waving signs like "Kute! Kuddly! Kissable! KONG!" and "Kong is a real swinger!" and "I (heart) Kong You Fay" and "With a Smile and a 'Kong'" and "Hey Kong Lets Monkey Around" and "I was Kong's Love Slave" (NOT making these up, folks) and "God I'm Such a Friggin' Dork" and other things that those "groovy" college "cats" from the "in crowd" might "say" about "this!" These kids are sooo lucky to be going to a school where a giant homicidal ape can escape at any time and trample them all!
      Dialogue peanut: UNNAMED DOCTOR, by Kong's bedside: "That horny son of a bitch! He smells the female from a mile away!" Woo, HOT MONKEY SEX! Kong rips out the various comically-oversized tubes going into his body, and begins jumping up and down to get out and find him some lovin'. It's only 3 days since the operation, but miraculously, there's NO SCAR on his chest. And all the fur's grown back. He's got a mutant healing factor, just like Wolverine! He should form the X-Apes!
      They decide to move Lady Kong (as they call her) to a place where Kong can't sniff her butt. Do they sedate her? No, they use handcuffs (World's Biggest) and bulldozers to corral her while the Atlanta Police turn up with a Jeep with a .50-caliber machine gun. There's certainly no way that this can go wrong! And who's watching Kong? Max Lansky! Wow, that's as cool a name as Lance Hemorrhoid! ONE cop is watching Kong. Who escapes. Or, in the witty dialogue peanut, "The other monkey's going apeshit!" AH-HAHAHA!! Algonquin Round Table, eat your (giant monkey) heart out! Wait, you can't! Dogs are eating it from cans of Purina!
      Kong SMASH! He breaks into the warehouse where the future Mrs Kong is being held, and in standard bad movie style, everyone runs--in opposite directions. One would think that they'd run in ONE direction, ie, "away from giant berserk monkey," but nooo. And for no reason, apparently the warehouse doubles as a parking garage, as there are immediately several high-speed car crashes inside. Including the classic "A-Team/Dukes truck flying off a hidden ramp" stunt. One car rolls over by itself and bursts into flame. Suuure it does, right from the transaxle. Thousands die every year in transmission fluid-related spontaneous combustion. "DOZERS TAKE HIM DOWN!" yells the Chief of Police. The bulldozers move in, but "Kerwin" knocks one driver out. Why? Who the fuck knows. This causes a dozer/car crash. Kong himself--after making a big smiley love-at-first-ape-sight face at Lady Kong while sappy romantic music plays and this sentence is way too long and poorly structured--tips a dozer on its side. It bursts into flames. Damn that transmission fluid! Then, a soldier falls over and his pants burst into flame. Linda Hamilton's lips explode on impact, and this is how the band "The Flaming Lips" got its start.
      As their lunch break ends, the cops with the .50-cal decide to finally take action. They blaze away but did they count on "Kerwin," the Least Action Hero? He crashes a car...again with the cars, again with crashing, crash crash crash, burn burn burn...Will no one think of the children? He hits the jeep with such force that he should be killed...but again...he doesn't...the "Kerwin," they are indestructable..."MORE SUCTION!"
      Okay, that's enough. And that was only another 20 minutes of peanutty goodness.


      The Kongs get away. Mr K picks up Mrs K and carries her, no idea why. So, does anyone follow them? Isn't the police force responding to all this destruction, gunfire, car crashes and "Kerwin"? NOPE. Two 50-foot-tall apes saunter away in the tiny rural town of ATLANTA, and no one sees where they go. Or smells where they go, as we've already been told how their love-juices can be sniffed a mile away.
      I didn't mention how Linda and the "Kerwin" have hated each other right from the start. This being a Bad Movie, if they knock heads now, they're guaranteed to be knockin' boots later. They team up to find their lost apes, after Linda forces "Kerwin" off the road with her SUV. "How far are you gonna get," she asks, "in your Rent-A-Wreck?" PAUSE. Long, artificial pause for the audience to wipe the tears of laughter from their eyes. Over the hi-larious Rent-A-Wreck joke. Even Ferd'nand shakes his head in disbelief.
      The Army has sealed off the little-known backwater town of Atlanta, and black helicopters fly by (supposedly the Army's, but they're the crop-dusting kind). The General in charge of the monkey hunt has vowed "to shoot the first civilian to cross the perimeter," which is kind of inexplicable. Are people smuggling monkey guns to the--wait for it--guerrillas? Haha! They're gorillas! Get it? Fuck you. Is he only going to shoot the first civilian? Can "Kerwin" go first?
      Uh oh, there's a reason why those choppers are cropdusters--the General is planning to use knockout gas on the apes. NO WAY THAT COULD FAIL! Thank you, General Putin! "The enemy will be easy to spot," he says. "They're approximately 50 feet tall and wearin' their birthday suits!" The apes will be safe if they hide out at a nudist colony for basketball players.
      And where are our monkeys? On "Honeymoon Ridge." Are you gagging yet? Oh, you will, as sappy goofy music plays. Kong offers Lady a tree to eat, and she playfully grabs a different tree! Then Kong reaches into a cave--near Atlanta--and pulls out a FUCKING BOA CONSTRICTOR. The common Georgia peach-eating cave boa, right. Lady refuses the snake while Hanna-Barbera music plays. Then Kong shows her a big owie on his leg, and she washes the wound. And here I have to give Rick Baker's monkey suits due credit--They actually have a full range of facial expression. The dialogue consists of "ARRRGHH!" but you can tell what the apes are supposed to be thinking and feeling, from love to annoyance to happiness. If only Baker had made Linda and "Kerwin" suits, the movie might be well-acted throughout.
      Linda avoids an Army roadblock by driving down a road right next to the roadblock that they didn't block. Smart thinkin' there, Army men! The Army shoots at them (Why?!). "I coulda used you in Borneo," says a pop-eyed Kerwin as she races through the woods, "If I wanted an early DEATH!" Yes, use her in Borneo! Hopefully during the film's preproduction!
      There's a scene where Linda sorta falls off of a bridge, which I won't go into detail about as it's exactly as exciting as catching a McNugget before it hits the dirty floor of the McDonald's. "Kerwin" gets an owie, and Linda dresses it--GET IT? It's like how Lady helped Kong! WOW, there are more layers in this movie than an Oreo! "You must be cold," he says. "Yes," she says, and takes her shirt off. "Your lips are on fire!" "Yes, " she says, and dunks her head in a bucket of gasoline.
      They find the Kongs immediately, via their superior tracking skills and the fact that giant apes yell "AAARRGGHH!" a lot. The Kongs settle in for a night of hot monkey sex--literally--and Linda and "Kerwin"...do the same. LINDA: "We're primates too!" Let me take a moment to comment on this scene:
      Two GIANT HAIRY APES fucking like GIANT HAIRY RABBITS does NOT get me all steamy and horny! The only things that get me LESS horny would be "sex with a roadkill possum crawling with maggots" and "Sex with KERWIN."
      The Morning After, Kong is foraging when the helicopters come to spray Putin Gas. Huge roiling clouds of the gas. If it's strong enough to knock out a giant monkey, wouldn't it be strong enough to kill every living thing in the forest? The General already warned his men to all wear masks so the gas wouldn't get them. So as soon as Lady goes beddy-bye, they all RIP THEIR GAS MASKS OFF while HUGE CLOUDS OF GAS FLOAT AROUND THEM. The entire next scene is shot with the gas everywhere, including a close-up of the General with it blowing in his face. Kong sees Lady getting gassed, screams "Who gave my girlfriend ROOFIES?!" and rushes to her aid. MORE gas is dumped, all over the entirely maskless soldiers.
      Now would be a good time for me to point out that this movie is VERY RETARDED. Why did they specifically tell us that the Army could be knocked out by the gas, and then have a ten minute scene where they prance around in more gas than you'd find at a bean-eating contest but act like they were in an environment about as dangerous as the Ball Cage at Chuck E. Cheeses? All they had to do was put in line saying, "This gas only affects simians bigger than a house," and they'd have covered their asses. This is what you can only call "gratuitous stupidity." Stupidity for its own sake.
      They've captured Lady, so they want to kill Kong. I don't pretend to understand this crap any more. All Kong did in the movie was tear down one fuckin' wall. The only people who were hurt were the morons playing Demolition Derby in the warehouse. So the Army comes out in force, sprays gas everywhere, shoots grenades, sets the woods on fire with a flamethrower, and wants to blast Kong to pieces. But only the male Kong. Jesus Christ climbing the Empire State Building, but this makes no sense.
      Then it rains and Kong falls in a river and the current carries him until he bonks his Kong coconut on a rock. "Not even your KONG could survive that!" says the General of the Kong-conking rock. Dude, he fucking FELL OFF THE WTC and LIVED TO YELL "AARGGH!" ABOUT IT. A 110 story fall does NOT equal "hitting a rock at 2 miles an hour." It looked like the type of mortal injury that would make PJ cry in the Family Circus (MOM: "Who made this retarded sequel to a shit movie?" DINO: "NOT-A ME!")
      Meanwhile at the...
      ...at the...
      ...A truck of bananas goes into an underground bunker. It's the following Summer, and Lady is at the bottom of giant concrete silo. Where's PETA when you need them? Linda comes in with a letter from the Secretary of Defense, which evidentally lets her look at Lady for two minutes only once. Thanks for taking the time off your busy schedule to write THAT, Mr Secretary. The General (who's actually a Colonel) is very pissed about having to run a monkey jail, but he's also damn protective of his pointless assignment. "She senses something!" says Linda of Lady's groaning in misery. "She senses that she's in a crap movie! And that Kong's alive! And also trapped in this crap movie!" But how could Kong still be alive? By eatin' him some GATORS! "Now Amos Moses was a monkey, he live by himself in a swamp! He hunted alligators for his breakfast, he just womp'em in the haid with a stomp!" In the worst effect in the movie, Kong picks up a baby alligator which magically is a full-grown specimen in any camera shot that they don't share. He breaks its spine, to the utter horror of an onlooking bullfrog, and before you can say "I hope that they don't do the lame joke where he eats it, then burps," he eats it, and then burps. PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER.
      If you're one of those moviegoers who just can't get enough scenes where giant apes eat alligators, man, do I have the fuckin' rental for you. Kong's got a whole mouthful of (obviously adult and rubber) gators, and boy, do we ever get to see him chow down on gator corpses. Man, could I go for raw rubber gator tail right about now! Then Kong hears--through her giant underground bunker untold miles away--Lady scream for him. He smiles, then longingly, sadly, his smile slips away and he wishes they were together. The best acting in this is done by a man in a monkey suit, I can't stress that enough.
      As proof of that, the less evolved of the leading men returns from Borneo with a promise of a free-range monkey preserve. "Kerwin" is somehow unaware of the existence of Area 53, Primate Holding Division, and he tries to storm the place. Soldiers beat him up! Ooh, can I join the Army now, Special Primate-Holding Kerwin-Smacking Division? The Gener--err, Colonel--won't let anyone see the ape! But we were told that HE HATES THIS JOB! Wouldn't he WANT them to take the monkey to Borneo? Stupidity for its own sake again! Crap, I can't take anymore of this tonight.


      The closet door was talking to itself, so she asked it a question.
      The closet door gave no direct answer. So she asked it again, with greater determination: "Mew?"
      "Can't come out Kerwins will get me, Can't come out Kerwins will get me, Can't come out Kerwins will get me," muttered the voice behind the closet door.
      "EAOIWW!" insisted Kill Kill.
      "NO!" shrieked the voice behind the door. "No more monkey no more monkey! No more Army chase monkey! PEANUTS IN MY POOP! No KERWIN!!! No Linda no Linda, no nonononononono! PEEEEEANUUUTS!!!"
      "Yeowwwwrr!" Killsy insisted. "YEOWRR!"
      "'Best scene'?!" shrieked the voice in the closet. "There's no 'best scene' in this hemorrhoidal pile of piled hemorrhoids! I'm staying in this closet, under this blanket, with these mothballs, under these dead moths, wearing this gasmask, until that shitty movie is GONE!!!!!!!! PEANUTS--IN MY--POOOP! I only thought that it was funny, all those years ago when I saw it on TNT! From Atlanta! I was on drugs or something! IT SUCKS! THERE IS NO BEST SCENE!"
      "Aou yii yarrrr," shrugged the white cat with indifference, and casually, effortlessly jumped on the bed.
      The closet door opened a crack. "Did you say...ballcap?"
      Kill Kill smiled, quietly waltzed to her favorite corner of the bed, purred as she curled up, and went to sleep.
      The closet door opened wide. Empty tuna and beer cans fell out. "Ball...cap..." said the shambling, unshaven shell of a former human being. "Ball...cap..."

      The secret to Kong's acting ability seems to be his interchangable heads. There's a Mad Head, a Smiling Head and a Sad Head. He's using Sad Head now, listening to Lady scream "HAIRY! I want my husband, HAIRY!" (Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, geddit? Hey, not my problem if you lack the deeper knowledge of American culture) "Fuck this shit!" says Kong of his swamp-hiding, gator-eating bachelor lifestyle, and heads out to find his true love. The shortest line between two points or giant apes is "Kate's Korner Cafe and Bait Place," beside a lake. A Crystal Lake, one could say.
      In a lakeside cabin, two horny teens are about to Get it ON! "You have the biggest, brownest bedroom eyes ever!" coos the male. And this means--KONG IN A JASON MASK! shoosh shoosh shoosh!! Or at least Kong sticking his head in the 1st story window, in a way that he could only do if his head was detached. Much like the brains of the director and screenwriter.
      The teens scream and run away. Katies Korner seems to be a cafe (and bait shop; don't order the sushi) and the single cabin. With a population of 500. Everyone instantly runs from the cafe in their pajamas (??), and...yes, just like in that warehouse scene...jump in the cars that were invisible earlier and race all over the place, usually in opposite directions. It's like those old Westerns--Whenever the two gunslingers were gonna have them a showdown on Main Street, everyone on the left side of the street ran to the right, and everyone on the right ran to the left. If two crazy bastards with guns are about to blast each other, the only logical thing to do is run right into their line of fire! We're given an extra treat: Since it's on a lake, other people jump in their boats and sail in random directions! Oh, if only there'd been a camel-riding academy at Kate's!
      Some crazy old scrawny bespectacled coot waves a shotgun around, causing the random runners to "comically" duck down. Actually, he looks like William S. Burroughs. He fires his shotgun in the air, because Kong interupted his naked lunch and made him spill his heroin.
      Kong does nothing throughout this scene. "HANG ON BABY! YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!" says a guy and a gal who race a motorcycle between Kong's legs. Sadly, Kong does not pee on them. Kong finally shakes his head, and walks off obviously thinking "Christ. Dumbasses."
      "What is this, Deliverance?!" asks an Army guy the next morning. A flotilla of drunken good ol' boys is sailing after Kong like the Spanish Armada, or at least the Skoal-Spittin' Armada. "Are those guns loaded?" demands a soldier. "Yes sir, General!" says the Head Tardo, who, like everyone else in rural Georgia, has no trace of a Southern accent. "AND SO ARE WE!!" "You damn fools, you'll shoot yourselves!" Vince the Head Tardo yells "I want that damn ape's head on the hood of my PICKUP TRUCK!" And they sail away, from the Army that's been gassing the woods and shooting at civilians all movie long. These drunken armed morons they ignore.
      You see, there's 3 classes of people in this movie:

      Despite the swarms of black helicopters, the kill-first-ask-questions-never military hasn't established a no-fly zone, and our Cessna-borne heroes track down Kong, by what might be his footprints but looks more like giant gorilla poop to me. Are those alligator tails I see in there?
      The Damn Fools on the boat have magically sailed up a mountain, where they lay in wait for Kong. Yes, these 5 shitheads with shotguns are gonna take down an ape that's seemingly unkillable. "I got to go to CHURCH!" says one when Kong saunters through the Place. I'm unclear on what the Place is. It appears to be a 75 foot deep canyon between a pair of low mountains. But then, enterprising Unabomber that he is, main rednkeck Vince sets himself off some dyney-mites! He hits him a ROCK GEYSER, a whole GUSHER of stone that falls on Kong in the exact way blocks of styrofoam would. If this were me or you, this would be about the same as a kid burying you in the sand at the beach. It only happens because you let it happen. And he is trapped in the Place. Up to his neck. Kong is 50 feet tall, and exactly 42 feet of rock falls.
      What is the Place? If it filled up with rock, it's not a canyon. It's like trying to drown yourself in a shower stall; there's nothing to keep the water in there. Okay, maybe it's a dead end and...err...a bunch of styrofoam boulders blocked up the back part. But the mountain would have to dump so much rock (from exactly one blast set by drunken retards) that the mountain would've used up most of its volume, so then that side would've collapsed...Yeah, I know "It's just a de Laurentiis movie," but Christ, they didn't spend 3 seconds thinking about this idiot script.
      Them good ol' boys whoop and shoots their guns in the air! A Southerner wearing a flannel shirt and a TOQUE takes him some pictures of Kong, eh? He does not say "We blowed that mountain up good, we blowed it up REAL GOOD!" They give Kong a drink of corn likker, about a teaspoons worth, and Kong spit-takes a firehose's worth. "We needs to teach him some MANNERS!" says the greasy redneck. "If you're gonna kill him, kill him!" says the Church-going redneck. "Don't torment him!" Why, he's the Compassionate Drunken Retarded Redneck! He's like the Colin Powell of this group! "We ain't gonna torment him," says Vince, who looks like he came from the "Ernest Fucks a Dog" body-double screentest, "We just gonna BROWN him!" Wait! Is that Julie Brown him, or Downtown Julie Brown him?
      In the second-worst blue-screen shots EVER, they stick torches in Kong's face. By which I mean "a blue-screen of his face with the scale and distance totally wrong." The shots of the torches "hitting" Kong's face look like the didn't come from a seperate studio, but from an alternate reality. (Worst blue-screen effect ever goes to Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman, a movie so cheap that the blue-screen had no blue screen. Every "giant" was see-through) Without the slightest effort, Kong leaps from the neck-deep packing peanuts and the peanuts crush Church redneck and Toque redneck. Greasy and Vince apparently run 3 miles in 2 seconds, but Kong catches up. He grabs Greasy, or more accurately a Ken doll of Greasy, and snaps him in two just like those protein-filled gators. Vince uses his Spiderman powers to instantly be seen a hundred feet up a sheer rock cliff. King fingers the mountain, and boulders fall on Vince (Geddit? It's IRONIC!) In the third worst blue-screen effect ever, Vince falls in his hand, he picks him up, put him to his face, smile and then...WOMP, he eat him! You like?
      Kong swallows, and then looks annoyed. Something's caught in his teeth! He digs in his teeth with his fingers and pulls out
       A BALLCAP!
      This is the BEST SCENE in all CINEMATIC HISTORY involving a giant monkey eating a redneck! They really should give some kind of lifetime achievement award for this. Man, what I wouldn't pay on eBay for Vince's masticated monkey-plaqued ball cap!!
      Best Scene Over. 30 minutes of movie left. Hate movie with no more Vince eating! Take slug of Jagermeister, Review quickly!
      The Colonel, in front of several witnesses, directly disobeys orders to not kill Kong. Orders that are broadcast over civilian radio. Now, if we were given a REASON why the Colonel has such a hard-on about killing the monkey...It would be just as retarded, but at least there'd be a REASON. Beyond everyone is this movie being violent pigheaded idiots.
      Kong is moving in on a town and...of course...everyone on THAT side of the street needs to be on THIS side of the street, and if you own a car, you drive in a crazy direction at random. And the panicked crowd is smiling in terror. Yeah, even the extras suck in this movie.
      Tragedy tomorrow, Comedy tonight! Kong stomps through the Atlanta suburbs. Two teens step out of a Lambourghini, and Kong steps on it!! Like it was a crappy, out-of-scale, totally fake paper prop! "My dad's gonna KILL me!" says the teen! Yeah, when he finds out you're in this fucking movie! Then it's a golf course, and a guy hits a ball right into KONG'S FACE! It's actually kinda funny, due entirely to the guy in the monkey suit's reaction: "I've had the shittiest day any giant monkey could ever fucking have, and NOW what?! Fucking golfballs in my face?!" And the golfers run away, and one pratfalls, and he looks and is dressed JUST like the dorky Government agent in Catalina Caper!!
      "Okay, you men!" barks one of the Colonel's subordinates as he throws M16s at their heads. He shrieks, "Join your tank units! ON THE DRUBBLE!!" This guy is WAY too wired. Forget just yelling, no one should be yelling in Hamburgalur talk. I think he's named Major Pique. The soldiers run off, but he just stands there. Chickenhawk!
      Something just happened, but in the 5 seconds it took me to get from the TV to the computer I forgot what.
     Despite heavy patrolling by black helicopters, Kerwin's Cessna flies over the Primate Holding Division vault at a height of 6 inches and lands on the front lawn and two dozen preschoolers pile out of the plane and have a pinata party while William S. Burroughs fires shotgun blasts into the air while reciting poetry in his underwear while rednecks from the camel riding school sell bait, so they land undetected.
      Next, in the "night"--as always in this movie, "night" means "black outside of the spotlight." It's been a stupid thing all through the movie, but here it's worth mentioning. It's funny. The Kolonel (which I spell like Kong, cuz it's ironic!) has searchlights scanning the SKY, since we all know how Kong likes to skydive, while Kong (in a bright spotlight) sneaks up on the Army. Like 100 feet away. In the bright light. Great big smelly monkey. There's a shot where Kong strolls down about a half-mile of scenery spotlighted, and the 500 soldiers don't notice despite looking right at him. Kong sneaks up on the Army. There is a closeup of Kong's eyes. This is followed by a closeup of the Kolonel's eyes. There is a closeup of Kong's eyes. This is followed by a closeup of the Kolonel's eyes. BECAUSE THEY'RE SO THE SAME OR SOME SHIT, IT' S REALLY THEMATICALLY SIGNIFICANT AS FAR AS MY ASS IS CONCERNED (unless it's IRONIC). And if you said, "I bet that Kong jumps up right now just like when he was buried in rocks," you'd be completely wrong because THIS time he jumps up but also THROWS DIRT AND ROCKS LIKE THE REDNECKS USED! (It's IRONIC!)
      "OPEN FIRE!" screams the Kolonel, and 3 soldiers shoot at entirely different parts of the blue screen. Kong wrecks the Kolonel's first vehicle. Kolonel commandeers another, and Kong wrecks that 30 seconds later. So Kolonel...sigh...commandeers another vehicle, as "echoey trumpet music that we stole from Patton" plays. You see? The Kolonel is like Patton, and Kong is Rommel! The whole movie makes perfect sense now!!--No, wait, it doesn't, I just fell asleep using the drill press as a pillow again. Pass me the Plastic Wood, I've got some brains leaking here! Unfortunately, Kolonel next refers to Kong as "that mother!' and not "you magnificent bastard!" DAMN! My Patton theory's blown! Once again, King Kong Lives is an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a knock-knock joke wrapped in the newspaper that wraps yesterday's fish!
      They infiltrate the heavily-protected (4 guys) monkey vault by ramming the cheap chain link fence and ducking under the Blast Doors while soldiers conveniently fire where they aren't standing. They make it to Level Five ("HEY Bender gonna make some noise, with your hard drive scratched by the BEASTIE BOYS!! That's whatchu, whatchu whatchu get on Level FIVE!!" MY page, MY inexplicable riffs!). ("My ass has blisters from the slide!!") How do they get past the cyberdemons? The door opens on Linda, without makeup and looking like she came off of a 3-day bender after a different, longer bender after raking leaves with a fork. "Oohhh, MAMA!" says a soldier who really needs more female contact than a giant ape in a silo. Kerwin instantly beats up 2 Special Forces soldiers, so we know the movie's science fiction.
      Man, but I'm not wrapping this up very quickly, am I?
      Kong and Lady Kong and Linda and Kerwin bust out of stir. Lady grabs Kerwin and carries him away--IT'S IRONIC! This time the GIRL ape grabs the GUY! HOLY SHIT NOTIFY THE NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE, this year's winner for monkey irony has been won!
      Square dance. Bad bluescreen. Drunken morons. Kongs appear. People run...in opposite directions with big goofy smiles on faces. Bill strips shirt off, stands all Kongjestically and beats chest: MOVIE END!! MOVIE END NOW!
      Movie refuses. Umm...Did I mention that the aforementioned hot monkey sex means that Lady is pregnant, and is now so about to give birth that she goes "AAARRRGGGHH!" and smashes into a barn? Wow, prepartum depression. And then the Kolonel's Army is back, and Kong so totally gives them the "I really don't need this shit right now!" look. What a great actor! And bang and bang and bang...Dumb Army. Half of them already got killed, and they're STILL following the ravings of a psychopathic loose cannon who's disobeying orders broadcast on the local news.
      Then there's a bunch of dead army guys and smashed BFVs and M113 APCs while Kong bleeds and the Kolonel comes at him all Pattony and Kong grabs his BFV and he throws it with a mighty throw and it crashes in a graveyard (which is IRONIC!) and bursts into flame (which is from the transaxle). Then, in the fourth worst blue-screen ever, Kong's fist "hits" the Kolonel, SPLAT! KONG SQUISH!! and we see his legs pointing straight up out of a hole. Kong smiles, then joins the audience in roars of laughter. "His FEET stick up! Dino, what is WITH you?! It's like a Roadrunner cartoon! Except you meant it SERIOUSLY! AH-HAHAAHA!!" Then Lady Kong gives birth to a son and Kong dies and the soldiers don't shoot and then Prince Kong swings from vines in the Borneo gaint preserve and the species is doomed to become extinct because there's only two left. THE END!
      Or--is it?!
      Oh, wait, there's the credits. Yes it is the end.
      The credits include a woman named "Hope Nunnery"--I guess her parents were hoping she'd be a virgin for life--and a guy named "Winston Hemingway." Wow, was THAT guy ever drunk. Key grip is Chunky. Chris Crump is "Miniature Tree Production Foreman," and if my parents had the pure evil to name me "Chris Crump," I'd be hiding in the basement making fake trees, too. The dolly grip is "Geene Poole." Geene Poole. As in "Who pee'd in the...?" I assume. Special Effects by MY GOD, IS THAT AN ASS? BECAUSE OUR SPECIAL EFFECTS WILL SUCK IT! Special Effects LLC.
      And so ends that.