Friday 2
If your co-workers are mad at you, attach suction cups to your feet and hang from the ceiling. Tell everyone they can keep the change that falls from your pockets. It's a nice gesture.
Saturday 3
I found the lyrics of earth entertainer Alice Cooper, "Only women bleed" to be false and misleading.
Sunday 4
The Ohio State Fair opens today. Go see the big cow arved out of real creamery butter!
Monday 5
Some medications can inhibit your ability to become unseen. Consult your physician before taking any prescription or over-the-counter drugs.
Tuesday 6
Don't you wish they could bottle the smell of grandma's house?
Wednesday 7
Remember when your mom would make you blow your nose when you were little? She'd force a tissue under your nose and say "BLOW!" Get even with her.
Thursday 8
Let's call today Monday. I don't care if it's Thursday.
Friday 9
Walk toward the Parthenon with a jackhammer and take bets on how far you get.
Saturday 10
There are many sweeping generalizations that are always true.
Sunday 11
Don't turn around. Pretend you're reading. There's an element of evil right behind you. (High pitched, undulating whir sound). There now, you're safe. Mail me a check for 30, no 50 dollars.
Monday 12
Okay, that's enough violin and accordian in popular music. That means you, Earth composers.
Tuesday 13
I will nullify the next human that uses the word "empower."
Wednesday 14 Flag Day
Nake fun of a friend with a split level home. Keep saying, "Wow, it's so Brady."
Thursday 15
Write down everything you say today, diagram it and look up each word. See how much you say tomorrow.
Friday 16
Chafing beneath your suit can be an indication of other, more serious problems.
Saturday 17
Your day will come soon. Today is not it.
Sunday 18 Father's Day
Insist on using the phrase "freezie burn" as often as you can today. It doesn't have to apply.
Monday 19
First, steal an orange traffic cone. Then tuck your pants into your socks and put on a beret. Yell into the cone, "Action!" You're a Hollywood director.
Tuesday 20
The ghost planet constitioun allows every resident the right to bear to heat rays on their arms. No one has ever challenged this right.
Wednesday 21
What if your hands were spoons? So what? Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Thursday 22
Space is a vacuum, you can plug it in and clean your carpet.
Friday 23
Read the comic strips aloud to your friends. Make up funny voices for the funny characters!
Saturday 24
Hold your breath until tomorrow. No, don't really. I was lying.
Sunday 25
Spend countless hours in your room drawing up blueprints for a space-ship that will never exist.
Monday 26
it's easier to stuff your face than face your stuff. Borrowed from Susan Powter, St. Louis overeaters convention, 1993.
Tuesday 27
The word "moltar" always makes me hungry for hot, out-of-the-oven, chocolate chip cookies! I DON'T KNOW WHY!
Wednesday 28
If you see a scorpion today tak eprecautionary measures: Do not taunt it, walk around on your tip-toes and lift those knees.
Thursday 29
When you're in your new apartment, pretend you're trapped in a submarine. Bang on the walls and yell "We're running out of air, we're running out of air!"
Friday 30
Jump at the chance to have an action figure fashioned after yourself.