Sunday 2 Daylight Savings
Deny, deny, deny.
Monday 3
You can never have too much underwear! Go buy some!
Tuesday 4
Zorak really is in the Kiss Army. That wasn't an idle threat.
Wednesday 5
Is it warm enough for you today?
Thursday 6
Come on, you act like we have to have something in these spaces. We could just leave them blank if we felt like it. Why are you being so uppity?
Friday 7
Contrary to what people may think, nerds aren't nice people and don't welcome your opinions or your abuse.
Saturday 8
When you're all sweaty, comb your hair down into your eyes and wave your arms like crazy: don't look now, you're a famous conductor!"
Sunday 9 Palm Sunday
With a pen, trace all the lines in your fingers.
Monday 10
It's so hot on Mercury that it's summer...ALL YEAR LONG!!!
Tuesday 11
Play a flute and see if any snakes follow you around your office. Not so easy, is it?
Wednesday 12
If an employer ever begins a conversation with "There's no easy way to say this," quickly eliminate him before he fininshes the sentence.
Thursday 13
Clip your fingernails down too close and then weep about it all day. Keep putting your head down on your desk.
Friday 14 Good Friday
What are these tax return things my manager keeps harping on me about?
Saturday 15 Passover
My show has only been on for a year and you bought this crappy calendar!
Sunday 16 Easter
Allow animals into your home but warn them that you tire easily and often go to bed early.
Monday 17
If you're tired at work and you feel like putting your head on your desk and sleeping, go, ahead. If your boss asks you anything, tell him you're listening for a buffalo stampede and that he should thank you.
Tuesday 18
Watch PBS all evening. Talk about it nonstop at work tomorrow.
Wednesday 19
Stock up on carrots because one day rabbits may rule the earth and you'll have bargaining power.
Thursday 20
Don't insist on "just a little respect." Demand the devotion and worship of all those with whom you come in contact.
Friday 21
Today is a good day to hang yourself out to dry.
Saturday 22
Talking parrot, digging ferret, Tommy Skerritt - Teddy, wear it. (I'm experimenting with strream of consciousness poetry.)
Sunday 23
Useful phrases: You must be thinking of some other invisible superhero.
Monday 24
Threaten your mail carrier and UPS delivery man (or woman) with instant death for damaged parcels.
Tuesday 25
Only stare into the sun if your eyes are cold. But once they warm up, that's it.
Wednesday 26 Secretary's Day
If humans used more than 8% of their brains, would squirt cheeze still be tasty?
Thursday 27
Lynda Carter, ex-Wonder Woman is now peddling colored contacts. It sounds like destiny knocking on Space Ghost's door.
Friday 18 Arbor Day
Today is Arbor Day. That's where English people park their boats. The 'arbor.' Pretty funny, right? Wrong.
Saturday 29
Little known fact: Moltar means "burning torture wagon" in Finnish.
Sunday 30
Look, we're too busy to have anything in this space today so would you mind just looking at an old one? Try last Sunday's. I think it was pretty good.