"Music will be more or less punk-disco, that is, non-negro disco. People like Leif Garrett will be very popular."--Rodney Bingenheimer, thinking in 1978 on the music of 2002
I really lack motivation. I meant to do some more Lobstering of Gymkata today, but it's already 8PM and I don't think that it's going to happen.
The Hotmail Mystery continues. I still don't know why my thoughtviper account got deleted, or why I can't get to the Hotmail home page. It's spread to the billsplut account--That's gone, too. So it's only thoughtviper#fastmail#fm from now on. And JB, who told me about that freemail, says this:
The Straight Dope tells us where the phrase "Elvis has left the building" comes from, but the best part of the entry are "The Questions We're Still Thinking About" after it.
Waitwaitwait!! Pokey the Penguin got another 30+ strips since the last time I looked! Is it being regularly updated again?!
What will the World be like in the Far-Off Future Year of--2002!
In a 1979 issue of LA Weekly, they predicted the future. Sorta. They kinda get near hacking and PCs and tattoos and even Napster, but they also don't. They're cable hackers, the tattoos fade after a year, and Napster is a success. They predict giant music conglomerates and the RIAA, but decide that Congress would oppose them, not be owned by them. And you just gotta laugh when you hear about "the staggering success of Betamax." Their only completely accurate prediction is Tofu Pups.
Although there is that very last part...Maybe they really did predict the future of the RIAA.
And what will music be like in 2002? John Kurnick thinks:
"Then, while they are playing, these spys wearing bubble sunglasses, come running in and start shooting each other, but the two horn players just keep right on playing, and finally everybody kills each other and these guys are still out there and they're playing this stuff that sounds sort of like roller derby music and then the movie just ends. Real nuts. Anyway, that's sort of how I feel about music in 2002."
Speaking of musicians of the future, Brian Eno on America, The Gated Community.
For music of the present, here's Shitopia Records! Where else ya gonna hear raps like "Mr Magoo Protrudes From My Rectum"?
And for the music of the Present...which is from the Past...But, umm, sounds like the Future...Ahh, crap, go listen to tunes of the latest Bran Flakes album. And some ones that are from the Past, and not the Present. Or Future. If you didn't when I linked to these years ago! In the past! When it was the Future! Umm. I'm gonna lay down now.
I imagine that most readers will not be choosing this as a career path, but here's some helpful hints from me if you do!! Think of it as one of those old narrated 50s workplace films, this one titled "So You've Decided to Steal!"
2: So you've decided to steal! It's always a good idea to not provoke suspicion while you do--but what's Betsy BadThief doing? Oh no! She's always buying Lottery tickets, a sure sign of economic desperation! And what's this? The Store Manager's frowning as he sees that Betsy's emptied the "Take a Penny, Give a Penny" cup again, as she does every shift! You think no one's going to wonder why you're stealing pennies and not wonder what else you're stealing? Now Betsy sees that Mr Manager has put up the new calendar, and Betsy can't resist stealing the fucking pushpin holding it up!! And now she's asking for time off, so she can spend a whole week vacationing in Mexico! Mr Manager's wondering just how much you sold that pushpin for, Betsy!
3: Betsy has a Master Plan! When customers pay cash and exact change, she doesn't ring up the sale, she puts the money in her pocket! WOW, Betsy, NO ONE ON EARTH'S TRIED THAT ONE BEFORE!
4: Because Betsy gets away with it for a while, she thinks that she's a Criminal Mastermind who's come up with the Perfect Crime! Sorry, Betsy! The only way you can steal from a company and go unpunished is if you're the CEO!
Hmm! Mr Manager is noting problems with the Store's inventory. UH-oh, he's noticed that some beer has been sold--without the sale turning up on the register journal! And here comes Mr Customer, telling him that he bought it from YOU!
5: The Manager calmly asks Betty "Can you explain what happened here?" about something that can't be explained as anything but theft. Here's where Betsy should use her Airtight Alibi. It's "I remember the sale, but there was nothing wrong, so I can't explain it!" Double UH-OH! That's not even remotely an alibi!
6: Here we see Sally SmartThief. She thinks, "Shit, they're on to me! I'd better stop stealing!" But Betsy BadThief thinks, "Shit, they're on to me! I'd better find a DIFFERENT way to steal!"
7: Now, if Betsy waited a long time before stealing again and then came up with a plan that allowed her to steal while she was protected by her Airtight Alibi, it might be worth it. But after a week Betsy comes with a STUPIDER plan that's EVEN MORE OBVIOUS and EASILY TRACED by SEVERAL ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE. Since that pesky Mr Customer noticed that the drawer didn't open or a receipt print, she thinks (WRONGLY, as that's not how Mr Manager caught the first one), she'll ring the sale under a generic department with $0.00 as the total! That'll print a receipt and open the drawer! And also leave PROOF. Sure hope that Airtight Alibi's coming along swell, Betsy!
8: That snoopy Manager's found it already, when you did it TWICE in THREE hours! He tells Mr Store Owner about it, and Mr Store Owner makes the mistake of telling you that there have been "register discrepancies" while he leaves you alone in the Store for 3 hours. Do you think, "SHIT! I'm nailed! I'd better airtight that alibi some more!" No, you think, "SHIT! I'm nailed! I'd better stop stealing this new way, and GO BACK TO STEALING THE OLD WAY--RIGHT NOW!" and steal AGAIN in an easily traceable way!
9: Mr Manager arrives, and Betsy tells him that he's supposed to discuss these "discrepancies." Time for some--ALIBI MAGIC! When he shows you the receipt for a sale that can't be explained as anything but "I'm under-ringing sales," use your alibi! Oh no, Betsy, it's "I didn't do that!" in a hysterical, panicked voice? Oh, Betsy BadThief! Will you never learn? Your name's right ON the receipt! Surely you have a backup alibi? "The computer must've done it!" Mr Manager demonstrates that "the computer" would've had to have hit the "5" key and then "Enter" 4 more times in a row BY ITSELF for it to have "done it." And your final alibi--oh, no, Betsy, not "I can't explain that!" repeated over and over! Gee whiz, Betsy--you're fucking retarded, aren't you?
10: Quick, Betsy! Think! What would an innocent person do? Here's Gladys GoodClerk. Gladys has a good explanantion of what happened, but that's because Gladys didn't do anything wrong in the first place! She's at a loss as to why she's even being asked this question, because she's never stolen anything and she doesn't connect the question asked with the question unasked. Because Gladys didn't do anything wrong! And here's Betsy, becoming instantly defensive and yelling that Mr Manager's "being accusatory" although all he's asked, in his most professional of voices, is "Can you explain this?" What's that, Betsy? Mr Owner told you to "Leave your key and not to come to work anymore"? He FIRED you, then told you to work the rest of your shift ALONE until Mr Manager came in? (Not to spoil any surprises, but we'll find out later that Mr Owner said "Leave your key so that the woman covering your shift when you're on vacation in Mexico can get in the store," and "Don't come in tomorrow, as we're going to open late because of the bad winter storm") Why are you getting hysterical? Why do you keep insisting "I'm not stupid!" when that could only mean that you know that you're suspected of stealing, even if no one's implied that? Why are you telling Mr Manager and a random customer "You won't be seeing me again, have a good life!"? Golly, Betsy! No innocent person quits their job on the spot after NOT being accused of anything! Don't you think that everyone's going to take this as a tacit admission of guilt?
11: I guess not! Why not call the Store an hour later and yell into the phone, "YOU LONG-HAIRED FUCKING FREAK!" and hang up. Oh no! Not only is this a very poor insult ("Who's 'scruffy-lookin'?!") but now you've not only committed a CERTAIN admission of guilt, but you've given the Store a legitimate reason to call the Police! Mr Manager's smiling at this trump card you've handed him! It's the opposite of a "Get Out of Jail Free" card for you, Betsy!
Sorry, Betsy--You really ARE a "bad thief!"
"SO YOU'VE DECIDED TO STEAL!" A BELL & HOWELL PRODUCTION, COPYRIGHT 1953
Betsy BadThief disappointed me. She never came for her check. Perhaps she's waiting until after her vacation. Otherwise, we'll count it as partial restitution.
I still laugh when I think about her "menacing" phone call. What type of insult is "long-haired"? It's like calling me "bipedal." If you knew her, you'd understand--When you're fat, ugly and stupid, there aren't a lot of words left that you can throw in someone else's face.
Cartoonist Norm Scott's Weekly Monkey has turned out to be the Barely Monthly Monkey. But he delivers with a picture-free Absurdist Romance Novel, Salty Hearts.
"Liberal Bias in the Media," my corporate-owned ass!
Blurgh. End of naptime.
They say that film induces a feeling of reverie and that video induces a state of hypnosis. I think that they're on to something, as I just slept for almost as long as it took me to watch Willy Wonka and the Escaped Nazi.
Maybe I'm not really all that awake yet.
What a weird movie. I know it's a cult classic, but I've only seen it for maybe the 4th time today, and I saw it when it was first in the theaters. I saw it it at the worst possible age, 11 or 12. Too old to appreciate the kiddie elements and too young to understand the weirdness for itself. On the other hand, my younger sisters didn't like it either. I don't think that anybody did the first time that they saw it. If you see it a second time, sure, you might like it. The whole deal is that you really don't know what's up with Willy Wonka. Every character in a kids movie is supposed to be bad or good, and not some enigmatic father figure who punishes kids way out of proportion to their crimes. And lies all movie. And behaves irrationally. And then magically becomes "nice," but since he's lied all movie he seems more like a child molester than Charlie's new daddy.
I haven't seen it that many times since, but I like the movie now that I get it. Most of it. They really should have had no songs outside of the Wonka factory (why does Veruca's dad say "He's singing!" about Wonka as if that means he's nuts, when we've already had to sit through two musical numbers and his daughter's own is coming up?). Slugworth should've turned out to be Slugworth, not Wonka's version of Martin Bormann. That just makes his "conversion" at the end all that weirder and more suspect. And, umm, there's the whole Oompa-Loompa issue. Have you ever seen gaily-painted dwarves having less fun than in the musical numbers? Did they have to do the blueberry girl one using as many "Let's do it Oompa-Loompa style!" sexual positions?
Oh, yes, the Nazis. I don't mean the fat German kid, who's really the only kid who's not obnoxious enough to deserve to be punished. I mean the big banner in "Bill's Candy Store" at the beginning that reads "Fickelgruber's." Umm, that's pretty close to "Shickelgruber," which would be the birth surname of that Hitler fellow. Bet that candy sold well! "Could I have a Fickelgruber without so many cyanide tablets in it?" But remember that fifth ticket that turns out to be a fake by some guy in Paraguay? They keep showing the same picture of the guy, and while I'm not 100% sure that this is the picture, this IS the guy:
Martin Bormann, Mr Ficklegruber's personal secretary. As in the late 60s catchphrase, "Martin Bormann is alive and well and living in Argentina." Or Paraguay. What a strange joke for a kiddy film...
"Oompa-loompa, doopity-durl! Today Ger-man-y, tomorrow the World!"
I so loved the first Lord of the Rings movie that I planned on going to the first Monday matinee when Two Towers came out. Unfortunately, it came out 2 days after my last Monday off until today. I set the alarm today then fell back asleep when it went off. "Don't have time to make it now," I thought, but the next showing was an hour later so I went back to sleep. And I could have made it anyway, as there were no less than 5 minutes of ads and 15 minutes of trailers for movies you'd have to pay me to see. All but one was either a sequel or a prequel. Oh boy, I'll bet there's a lot that they haven't explored with the characters from the first Dumb and Dumber!
I really wish that I'd thought of that, as I wouldn't've been at the showing with the parents and their waaaay-too-talkative 4 year old. He asked questions about every scene quite loudly, and his parents would go "Shh!" which did nothing. Seriously, it's PG-13 with about 800 beheadings every hour--Is that really appropriate for a kid who probably needs help understanding what Tinky-Winky and Po-Po are doing? At Theoden's son's grave, Theoden says that "No parent should ever have to bury their child!" and begins sobbing. The kid chirped in with "Why is he crying?" "Because his son died." CHRIST. How fucking stupid was this kid?
I liked the movie, but I guess I'm the only one who thought the first was better. This was really just one extended action sequence. There wasn't as much of the feeling that I was *there* that the first movie had. That wasn't helped by the World's Biggest Reel Change Ovals. If you don't know what I mean, don't go looking for them, as you won't be able to stop seeing them. They can make a fully believable CGI Gollum, but computers can't tell the projectors when to change reels? Of course they can; there's never more than one guy minding all the projectors at a macroplex. So what was with the ovals?
Gollum/Smeagol was the best part of the movie. They handled the trick of making him disgusting, pitiable, almost likable and then menacing in turn. Treebeard was well done too, but I've seen the Bakshi version of LOTR and one of the few indelible moments in that was his version of Treebeard. He looked like the trees from Wizard of Oz except with ridiculously huge feet, and every time he spoke, leaves shot out of his mouth. Hey, Ent, say it, don't spray it!
The credits rolled and Gabby Boy didn't shut up even as he was leaving. Two older women behind me discussed it a bit: "I think it was about the struggle between Good and Evil." Whoa, Nellie! Don't be going off on no crazy tangents! I think it was about what Sauron would do for a Klondike Bar. "Enslave Middle Earth?! Well--Okay!" Her friend said that she heard that "There was going to be a third movie." Well, there's a news flash. They wrapped up all the loose ends so neatly at the finale, I really can't see where they can go with this.
I was the only one geeky enough to watch the entire credits. Did you know that the vocals on the soundtrack were by Sheila Chandra, and Elizabeth Fraser of the Cocteau Twins? That's pretty damn cool. Weird credit: The film had an optometrist. (If you watch the attack on Helm's Deep closely, you'll see one orc looking for his contact lens) "Cute Rohan Children" played by Peter Jackson's kids, who were billed as "Cute Hobbit Children" in Fellowship. I see a future for these kids! Know what would be a great next role? "Cute GONDOR Children"! I hope Jackson doesn't steal my idea!
All in all, a very satisfying swashbuckler, even with the unfunny dwarvish pratfalls. Only three stars to Fellowship's four, though.
Doing it at work turned out to be problematic during the holidays, but after a long delay, there's a New Trick Lobster. Lavished with all the care of...something I wrote at work today between customers.
I rewatched about 30 minutes of Gymkata at work today. You'd think, with all that build-up, that the actual playing of The Terrible Game would be the movie's high point. Of course it isn't. But it's also not all that mockable. I'll work on it.
At least it's no worse than a video I got today via eBay: In The Aftermath The IMDB referred to it as dubbed anime, so I was surprised when the box art showed it as live action. Apparently it's an anime with inserted beneath-low-budget live action scenes. I watched about 15 minutes of it and really had no clue what was going on. The original is by the same guy who did Jin-Roh, which is the most mind-numbingly boring anime I've ever seen. And the remix is on New World Video--Isn't New World Roger Corman's company? There are 2 Corman films that I love to death, the Star Wars rip Battle Beyond the Stars and the original Little Shop of Horrors (the flower shop owner's name, Mushnick, has become a nickname and term of endearment for every furry pet I've owned, because "Mushnick"--well, it sounds so small and furry and cute, y'know?). Corman was infamous for hacking up other foreign movies and combining them with domestically-filmed cheap-ass footage, so it wouldn't surprise me if that's the case here.
So why did I buy it? It was part of a 2-video deal, and I wanted the first one. It's Cherry 2000. One Sunday long ago, I saw that it was playing on USA. That was a red flag right there, and I looked it up in the Maltin guide to see if it was something I could watch and enjoy, or enjoy laughing at. It got 2&1/2 stars, which is dead in the middle but also exactly what Maltin gave Taxi Driver. And the review was actually pretty positive. So I turned it on, expecting to be entertained.
I was not. I was more than not. I was de-entertained. The Pleasure Molecules in my brain were sucked away, never to be felt again.
It was about a guy, in the far-off year of 2017 (for contrast, we're in the far-off year of 2003 from the viewpoint of 1989, the year after Cherry 2000 was filmed), whose personal fuckbot stopped working. He had to go into the wasteland to recover the chips that would make the robot work again, cause, ya know, it's an Apocalyptic wasteland and that's where ALL the hi-tech stuff is! Next time I need a new video card, I'm going straight to Afghanistan! And his "quest" really wasn't any different than going to buy a vinyl patch for the inflatable love doll you fucked till it popped. Wow, everyone in the audience can identify with THAT traumatic experience!
After 45 minutes, I shut in off in not only disgust, but actual anger. 45 minutes of my life, GONE! I could've spent that 45 minutes licking frozen lampposts while driving nails into my dick using a live wolverine! But now we're going to approach you differently, Cherry 2000! No matter how bad you are, no matter how much you star Melanie Griffith, this time it will be different! You were the victor the last time we met, Cherry 2000, but this time, Trick Lobster shall be the master!
Oh, yeah, re Gymkata...Don't know how I missed this yesterday, but when Kurt kidnaps the Black-Toothed Eunuch, he tells him to tell the Princess to "Meet me in the garden!" Well, all fine and good, but Black-Toothed Eunuch couldn't tell her that, as he has no TONGUE! Among, umm, other things.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force - which character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Frylock! The brains of the operation, you like to use your smarts for fighting crime and solving problems. Often, you wonder why people are such idiots.
Well...I wholeheartedly agree with that last sentence.
Back when I first saw Bad Guys, I said that the worst type of movie is a comedy that isn't funny. Before I said that, I should've asked myself, "What were the worst movies you've ever seen?" They're not unfunny comedies but horribly pretentious, utterly meaningless low-budget "art" films. The worst of the worst was The Hole. A rainy Japanese city is quarantined off because of a plague, and a guy drills a hole in his apartment floor to spy on the woman who lives below. She hoards toilet paper. Inexplicable song-and-dance numbers that have no connection to the rest of the movie randomly occur. That's about it, for 90 minutes.
Second worst was The Discovery of Television Among the Bees (or something like that). It had interesting imagery for about 20 minutes, then it became pretty clear that it had no intentions of making any real sense, and began repeating the imagery until it ceased to be interesting. My clearest memory of it was that it "Starred William S. Burroughs as Grandfather." More accurately, it "Starred A Framed Photo of William S. Burroughs as Grandfather." I kept waiting for Willy S. to turn up, but no, his participation in the project was a picture. Talk about false advertising! Did I mention that I'm planning on making a movie starring "Marilyn Monroe, John Wayne, and Kaiser Wilhelm as 'Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Kaiser'"?
The Hole maintains its lock on the Number One position, but there's a new Number Two: In The Aftermath. It's definitely lobster-proof. There's nothing there to make fun of, it's just BAD. Boring boring boringly bad. Remember that MST3K episode, The Castle of Fu Manchu I believe, (starring Christopher FUCKIN' Lee). At the end, Dr Forrester and Frank sneer that "Anybody can sit there and make fun of a movie!" Then they try to riff on a several-minutes-long scene that Joel and the Bots aced, where a woman walks down the street and into a hall. And, like most mere mortals, they can't come up with anything. But In The Aftermath is the movie that would defeat even the massed forces of Best Brains. It's 85 minutes of "Rock climbing, Joel. Rock climbing."
Sometimes when scenes would jump-cut in a confusing way, Joel would say "Meanwhile, in a another movie..." That's every other scene in this movie. Because it is 2 different movies, a Japanese Anime short called Angel's Egg and a bunch of American after-the-Apocalypse stuff filmed for $20. From what I've heard about the short, it wasn't supposed to have any plot and it certainly seems logic-free. The live action sorta has a plot, maybe 15 minutes worth spread out over the 85 minute running time. I'm going to briefly describe it scene for scene. YES, briefly AND scene for scene, as that's how little happens in it. Key: "L" means "live action" and "A" an animated scene.
A: A little girl carries a giant egg in a place that looks like Victorian England--Remember the "Eleanor Rigby" scene that opened Yellow Submarine? It looks like that. Except for no Ringo or entertainment, but instead a giant spaceship shaped like an eyeball with statuary all over it that sinks into the ocean. A ponytailed Anime guy is the girl's brother and they're angels, as the endless and stilted narration tells us. Then why does Heaven look like such a shithole? They say something about helping the "creatures" on Earth.
Meanwhile, in another movie...
L: Two guys in gas masks are looking for "air." Apparently the Earth's air is poisonous. If, like me, you're expecting what happened to be explained, stop. And don't ask no crazy questions like "If the air was poisonous, wouldn't the entire food chain collapse? What do they eat?" This the Art Movie of the Apocalypse, it don't need logic. A feather falls at the feet of one guy, but Forrest Gump does not appear. It falls at the feet of Goose. Get it? Feather? Guy named Goose? It's symbolic! They investigate an abandoned chemical plant, the film's one and only set. Frank, the hero, goes into an office with 3 corpses. They appear to be recently dead and surprised about it, as one guy has a magazine open in front of him. This doesn't make particular sense until you realized that they're not supposed to be recently dead, they just can't afford zombie makeup. A further clue as to how much money is in this movie's budget is that 8 actors are listed in the credits, and 3 of them are the corpses.
Frank puts down his gun, so we know what that means, especially as he puts it next to a giant spear. In the next room is a crazy man sucking on an oxygen tank. Sadly, he is not Dennis Hopper screaming "MOMMY!!" He asks Frank how much air is the tanks in his backpack, and it's 6 days worth. "I'd kill for 6 days worth of pure oxygen!" he barks. Frank backs away quickly, and "Psycho Soldier" (as he's billed) says, "That was just a common turn of phrase!" Then he says it repeatedly, cause he's psycho don't you know, and he grabs that handy spear--Oh wait, I think I just got that. Maybe it's a harpoon. Why is there a harpoon in an office in a chemical plant in the desert? You'll see! It's arty!
He beats Frank unconscious with the harpoon, takes his mask and gun, and kills Goose.
A: I forget. The girl angel wanders around talking all pretentious about "saving the creatures" or something around gloomy architecture and brooding statuary. "It was like I'd crossed a portal into a galaxy of grey!" is a typical line. This is the type of crap I'd write when I was a depressed 14-year-old. But I was smart enough not to make a movie using it.
Damn. I finished watching this thing like 2 hours ago, and it's already fading from my memory. L: Frank recovers, finds Goose, drags his corpse for a good 5 minutes. Angel appears as a single frozen frame of animation, then turns into a little live-action girl. With the aforementioned Ostrich egg. She means to give the egg to Frank, but she gets afraid and runs away. This is too bad, as the movie would've ended right here.
A: Angel's Anime again. She wanders around the city some more and empties glass flasks and fills glass flasks and drinks from glass flasks and ascends a subterranean spiral stone staircase with dinosaur bones in the walls and on each of the steps, why, it's a glass flask! She talks at length with her brother about something I've forgotten, but I'll bet that there were some florid metaphors in there. Oh wait, I remember. Her brother tells her the story of a man named Triscuitbisket or something who finds a planet where there were flying fish, "They used the clouds as trampolines, they were as big as whales!" Everyone wanted to see the planet, but Tinkywinky wouldn't tell them. Then someone got him drunk, stole "his chart, his chart of all the places he'd been," and the bad guy, "with his hooks and ropes lifted all the fish off of the planet." Of course, you're struck by the shocking moral to the story. Me neither. Unless it's "Don't tell people about your Fish Planet if you're a drunk."
Then they go outside in the rain, and dozens of Gorton Fishermen run out--with their HARPOONS! What a payoff to the Psycho Soldier scene! They chase the shadows of giant fish that float along the sides of buildings. What a payoff to the Fish Story! They throw their harpoons, but these are shadows, so they don't do anything but smash through windows. This is highly symbolic of some fucking thing, or at least it had better be, as otherwise it was a waste of TEN MINUTES of screentime and harpoon-tossing. Maybe it's "I know what you Fish Shadows did last Summer!"
I'd just like to point out that for every 20 minutes of this movie, there's 20 more of me shutting it off and walking around the room, trying to reset my brain. You have no idea how BORING it is. This thing actively tries to drive your attention away. This is the first film I've seen that made me pace the floor as I watched. TRIED to watch.
Then we sort of jump back and forth between L and A. Frank's in an operating room and the door's locked. Angel stands by a gargoyle drain spout, and Frank drinks from a leaky pipe. It's, like, symbolic! Someone in a gas mask is coming, so he pretends to be asleep. The person brings into the room a--glass flask! Just like in Heaven City! The person takes off the mask, and who, as we can see from the back, has long hair. It's a beautiful woman! Err...She turns around and, well, she's a woman, anyway. She's a doctor. This is the only room in the hospital that doesn't have poisonous air. "How many other people are in here?" asks Frank. "Just you," which makes sense, what with the poisonous air and all. He draws a picture of Angel, anime version, on the wall. He puts on his gas mask and walks 5 feet out of the room and pushes up a piano. There's no way he could know about the piano that's in the hallway of a hospital in an abandoned chemical plant after the end of the world, but that, my friend, is ART! We now get 5 minutes of piano playing, which is a relief, as up till now the soundtrack has been random plinks that sound like John Cage with a hangover. Then it's not a relief, as we get a music video with it. Random shots of somebody's flashback, either that of Angel or Frank or some woman, maybe Frank's girlfriend or maybe the Doctor, but whoever she is, she's dancing in soft-focus in a field and, damn, this girl can't dance worth a lick.
I would like to point out that we're now an hour into an 85 minute movie, including credits. That's all that's happened in an HOUR. Perhaps is why in the next scene, the angels fall asleep. Or maybe it's the narration. This is what the whole movie sounds like:
Blurb on the box cover: "A horrifying vision of man's worst nightmare." I've seen this movie, and boy are they right. Well, second-worst nightmare, counting The Hole.
If you're a fan of That 70s Show, click here! If you're not a fan of That 70s Show, and all the TV I watch is Ebert once a week so I know I'm not, click there anyway. It's a Google experiment on behalf of Christine B, longtime friend of the InExOb and The News. Plus, it's really all I've got tonight. Okay, AFTER you click on thefotohut.com, there's a bunch of interesting posts on Space Waitress today..
On Sundays I'm a cat.
I got up today at 12:30PM, which I'm sure sounds to some of you like some decadent time when only Nero would get up, and then breakfast would be skinned grapes shot out of the honeyed nostrils of sexy female slaves like snot rockets of sexy honeyed decadence, and also a glass of vanilla Instant Breakfast. But I'm one of about 9 people on Earth who work not first shift or second shift but first-and-a-half, so 12:30's just an hour later than normal for me. But then I do nothing, really totally nothing all day, when I should be doing...something, I suppose. Today my big accomplishment was staying awake to watch Futurama, then going back to bed at 7:30. Me and Kill Kill, my Sunday role model, then slept until 11PM. Which would be now, and if this post makes little sense, there's why. I'll be up for about 2 more hours, then I'll go back to sleep with the Small White hopefully right beside me in bed. I'll have Crazy Dreams like I always do, then hopefully get up at a reasonable hour (the alarm's set, but that don't mean shit on days off), as I have tons of things to do tomorrow. In the meantime, let me just say that monkeys are cool and that they should be given jetpacks so that they may fly around the world replacing people's brains with mashed bananas, as right now I think that they did that to me while I slept.
This sorta became an unofficial policy recently, but now it's official: Trick Lobster videos that I have no intention of ever watching again are up for trade. I'd prefer another bad video in trade, but general InExplicia is okay, or an IOU for a crap video in the future. Currently we're offering Bad Guys and, though Gourd knows why you'd want it, In The Aftermath. Email address on main page; no "Splut" in subject line needed, as Fastmail has yet to send me even one spam.
The Skeptic's Dictionary is one of those sites I take for granted, as it's been there as long as I've been around the Web. If you haven't seen it, here's a page of links to Snopes/Straight Dope-like articles called Suburban Myths that's worth exploring.
The Axis of Evil invented getting drunk! But not drunk driving; it was the Bush family that invented that.
This time of year leads to too many "Best of/Worst of" lists. I've noticed that, for some strange reason, this year has sprouted a vast amount of "Most Annoying Persons" lists. The only worthwhile one I've read is The Buffalo Beast's Most Loathsome People in America, 2002. Everyone from Joe Leiberman ("Makes Al Gore seem human") to Lee "God Bless the USA" Greenwood ("Entire career rests on whether or not the United States is at war with somebody") to "The Unborn Child of J-Lo and Ben Affleck."
From the same site, a look at the Faith-Based Initiative conference from a guy who pretended to be a Baptist minister.
Good News! The Beatle's tapes that have been missing for 30 years have been recovered!
Amusing (or maybe not) version of Dumbya's State of the Union Address with some "..."s added. And if you thought THAT was over the top...
Thank Gourd they got rid of that Trent Lott guy! And replaced him with a guy who killed kittens. No, really, he actually did.
Kill Kill and I have long conversations all the time. I wish I knew what we were talking about.
I understand some of the dialect. The "eeAOW!" that means "Give me wet food!" The "brrrrip!" that she does as she jumps on the bed as I get dressed for work means "Don't go to work! Stay home! At least pet me and tell me what a good girl I am so that I purr! rrRRRrrr...". The high-pitched eager "We're under attack!" "Eee-OWWW!!" she makes when she hears mice in the condo attic scurry by (I assume, as I don't hear them), and I have to open the kitchen cabinets so that she can make sure that they haven't infiltrated the house. In the Summer, when the Tiny Moths make their way in, and I yell "BUG!!" she screams, eager for paw-to-wing combat, "WHAAIIRR?!"
But there are others that I just don't get. We all know how cats will suddenly go all crazy-beans, running from room to room at top speed ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOM! And as a kitten el Gato Blanco would race around the condo a few times, then abruptly screech to a halt in front of me and scream, as loudly as 2 pounds of fluff could scream, "ACK ACK ACK!" To which I would ask, "Ack ack ack?!" "ACK ACK!" she'd say, then ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOM!! I never figured out what that conversation was about. But at least she did.
Her latest conversation comes in the mornings when I'm in the bathroom. She stretches herself as long as she can get under the towel on the rack and cries folornly. She'll do it until I move the towel a bit. I'll need an Enigma machine to break this bit of cat-code.
Not to keep swiping links from Space Waitress (though I will), here's the best blog I've come across since...Since Space Waitress mentioned John Scalzi, and the once-entertaining Lileks began frothing at the mouth and falling over backwards while repeating whatever Rush farted this morning like it was the Ten Commandments: The Poor Man. He's very funny, very informed and a great writer. OKAY, he also makes jokes involving Elric and Evil Dead, which can't possibly be geeky arcane uberhumor because I got them. SW linked to his comments on the 2004 Presidential race ("A mere 23 months away!") which can be found if you scroll down to the entries for 1/9 and 1/8, but I'm not going to link directly to them in a Baldrick-like cunning plan to make you read the other ones. Why are you still reading this crap? Go there now!
What, you still here?! Speaking of crap...Daveykins has started up a LITERAL Gonterverse. And when the news of this was spake, there was much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments, and Lo, the Lord GOURD spake unto the multitudes, okay, it was really just this guy in the parking lot of Wal-Mart collecting deposit cans that He spaked unto, but He, the LORD Gourd, said, "Crimeny, but Davey's mullet's got some beautiful girl hair goin' on! And aren't those Zippy th' Pinhead's Styrofoam shoes? Holy my Shit, I must've been drunk the day I made THAT guy!" And then He, who is the LORD GOURD if you weren't paying attention, set a bush on fire and made it talk like a Peanut named Woozle. Just because He can, that's why.
WOO, I crack a joke about
Lickass Lileks going all Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid, and the next day he announces that he will never, never I say! listen to Sheryl Crow again because she dares to question invading Iraq, something Jimmy-Bob has yet to really justify (oh, wait, he says Saddam's the next Hitler, the same Godwin's-Law-inducing garbage King George the First babbled a dozen years ago--Say, did it take a dozen years for Hitler to invade FRANCE after having his country TOTALLY FLATTENED after invading POLAND, you speaking-points CorporaFascist asschimp?). And then he actually, if torturously, makes her in favor of CHILD PORN in his mind. Which he spells "pR0n" to show that he's "down" with the "d00dz," and not a rich middle-aged fart.
Crimeny. Do neo-cons think about what they say before they mouth-fart? Or even the half-second after today's toadying is barfed? Are the people who nod their heads to this like lil' bobble-dolls with Downs-syndrome heads actually listening to what these idiots babble? And then he goes La-Di-Dah, I love my child! She's not like those Iraqi kids born without BRAINS because of all that DEPLETED URANIUM we shot into their country which he made FUN OF on XMAS WEEK.
WHY am I reading this guy again? Oh yeah, keepin' a finger on the pulse of What's Wrong With This Country. Gourd, how I wish that I could go back to when America's central stage was held by an all-important blow job, and not the unthinking rush to WWIII. Apocalypse? Who cares! The World REALLY revolves around extramarital sex, not the World's END!
Hey, is it just me, or am I the only one to notice that Dumbya's anti-affirmative-action action against GRAD STUDENTS came on Martin Luther King's ACTUAL birthday? (Update: of course not!) C'mon, GRAD students?! Who can afford to fund their kids through GRAD SCHOOL?! OH NO, RICH WHITE PEOPLE ARE BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST!!! Or that Dumbya's whole CAREER comes from having the affirmative-action last name of BUSH?! When did he work to get ANYTHING?!
(deep breaths--deep breaths!)
nKay, better now. Hey, why not "crack" wise about the "butt" of this joke about He-Man on the Duck's page. The jokes have been pretty "crappy" so far. I have faith in you to do better!
SUVs suck! In case you didn't hear me so good, SUVS SUCK!
Dumbya's War Record: "Bush on why the Air National Guard took him: 'They could sense I would be one of the great pilots of all time.'"
And so ends the Golden Age.
Due to a complex mesh of my benefits and the tax system, I'm no longer in New Store 40 hours a week, just 12, with the rest spent mainly in that fuckhole of a dive on the Bad Side of Town, with the alcoholic thief ass-kisser/hole who took a dump in his pants last Summer. One is not pleased. But there is nothing one can do about this. *shrug* At least one still has a job, yes? That's what puts food on the table and kibble in the bowl.
I know that I say this every time I come across a cool blog or diary, but "Groovy Decay" is the greatest diary EVER! And also CANADIAN! And we all know how many bonus points THAT gets!
"Those who can, write; those who can't, blog. Those who can write but are very lazy-assed, they too blog."
Gulf War 2, a "game" that's funny. And also not at all funny.
Just about everything on the Idle Worm is worth the click.
I Googled "white cat" "kill kill" and was surprised to see that I was down at the bottom, and only the old Geocities page was mentioned. Number One result: An old indie film festival. I dunno, some of the film descriptions seemed really funny to me last night with a few beers in me. "This may be your only chance to see an animated Christopher Walkin [sic] doing a soft-shoe song & dance routine."
Via The Backlog Flusher (heh!), Mystery Videogame Theater 3000. Pretty funny. All of the games reviewed are deranged: "[Snacks 'N Jaxon] is one of those rare games that feels like the Twilight Zone, a circus, a bad LSD trip, your own personal nightmare, and the satisfaction of eating a hearty breakfast, all rolled into one." Oh, that game's about a clown with an extendable head that he uses to snag floating sausages. Yep.
I'll never be Canadian! I only got a 62. I would've scored higher if they counted watching SCTV and KITH somehow. I mean, I know that the woodchuck is a terrestrial day-active animal and a denizen of snowy climes--How can that NOT count?!
I spent a few hours at my Island Utopia, then my new schedule had me back at the Main Store. Bah humbug. At least it was better than it'll be when I'm at the DumpStore, as I am for much of the rest of the week.
The downside to the DumpStore (geddit? Like dumpster?) isn't so much the...quality level of the clientele. I'd rather deal with the people from the bad side of town in a liquor store than the high-class monkeys at the Mall who know they're better than me, and make sure that I know it, too. And I look forward to working with 3 of my former comrades-in-booze.
But there are 4 of them.
Mike was working at Big Store, and I hadn't seen him in a while. The conversation turned to Mr Alcoholic Likker-Stealing Pants-Poopin' Asshead with the Interpersonal Skilz of a Baby-Eatin' Dingo. You'd think that the turd would have some redeeming qualities, I said. "A" redeeming quality, even. There was a pause, a long pause, while we tried to think of one.
Mike said, "He pays his taxes."
"Well, except on what he steals."
There was another pause. I said, "I was going to say that he's also toilet-trained, but I guess I can't."
"Maybe that's what they'll put on his tombstone," Mike said. "He Paid His Taxes."
"A better one would be: Thanks For The Free Compost!"
"He Made Some Good Soil!"
"He Made Several Maggots Very Happy!"
Oh, if you knew him, you'd be laughing too.
My hotlink of the day is...Go click on the other OverClocked links, I guess. Here's another page of funny reviews of bad videogames which also hasn't updated this century. This one a little less weird in presentation than yesterday's, but I think it's funnier. (But start at the bottom and work your way up; after Sexuality Life Dynamic it's not worth reading) And the games are just as bizarre, such as PhotoBoy.
Some of this will be repetitious if you've been following the "Invade Iraq is a Stupid Idea for So Many Reasons" debate for as long as I have, but this sums up all the arguments neatly. Email it someone you know who thinks "By Jove, It's a Grand Idea! A Romp in the Park, I do say Old Chap!" and watch them sputter something about "Those damn anti-American Europeans!" without refuting anything in it. And, oh wait, it's from that crepes-Suzette-flaming EEC nation Australia, which the average Yank thinks is where Ah-nold comes from.
(Okay, we don't. Most of us don't, anyway. Americans can generally only hold one "fixed idea" of what a foreign nation is like, [or, as they say by the Sidney Opera House on the Seine near the Eiffel Tower, "Le idee fixe, Bruce! Passez-vous les FOSTERS!"]. Currently, Australia is Kangaroo Jack. Before that, Crocodile Hunter, after Crocodile Dundee, after Energizer Battery Man. I am much more into foreigner nations, and know that Australia is a white-line nightmare, and Mad Max fights guys with Mohawks there EVERY DAY.)
CNN has been givin' us 24-hours-o-lovin' twixt Bushbaby and his lapdog Blair, but they're totally ignoring the flea on the lapdog, John "I Want Me a Theocracy, Too!" Holmes. HOWARD! Man, I have to look that up every time I use his name. Why do I think "porn star John Holmes" when I mean "Australian PM John Howard"? Something about big dicks? One having one, one needing to prove he has one?
UH-oh, the article says some things remotely negative about Sharon's psychopathic government--Your Neo-Con friends say that it must be anti-Semitic! By their standards, BENJAMIN NETHANYANHU was anti-Semitic! And how come the only Jews right-wingers don't hate are in Sharon's government? No, really, up until 9/11 they called it the "Jew York Times." Now it's that "liberal biased" New York Times.
AARRGGH! Hate world politics! I WILL NOW LOOK AT KITTENS!
It's a sad statement when you hear the weather forecast say that the wind chill will be 20 below zero, and you think, "Well, that's better than last night!" Because then it was 35 below.
This morning I was wearing a t-shirt, sweatpants and socks, wrapped like a mummy in an electric blanket on high, with Kill Kill using me as a body pillow, and I was still cold. I got up and discovered that the thermostat was set to 75, but it was only 64 in the condo. Maybe it's because I haven't closed the inner storm windows (so KK can look outside--they're closed now), but I also think that the electric blanket's a piece of shit.
I'd like to point out that now I'm wearing not only a fleece pullover, but the fingerless gloves I normally use when I'm in the beer cooler. They keep me warm, but as my normal cold weather look is a dark trenchcoat and black driving gloves, I have less of a hit-man aesthetic goin' on right now than a dumpster-divin' one.
Ah, well. It could be worse. No, wait, it couldn't! Even if I was colder, at least I'd still be Canadian!
Unintentional Comedy Dept.: At the DumpStore, at one point Mr Poopy-Pants said to me, "I had a thought!" ALERT THE FUCKIN' MEDIA! That's rarer than a nine-headed calf! Referring to Betsy BadThief, he said, "How come YOU always end up working with the crooks?!" I looked at him and tried not to laugh. I fully expect to explain the irony of his comment someday soon...
I'm sure we've all heard about Dumbya's visit to a factory to promote his "Ecomonomical Initiciative To End the Dividend Tax, So's the Money My Daddy's Friends Lost When I Destroyed the Stock Market Gets Replacified Package" was held in front of a really fake backdrop. The backdrop had fake-looking boxes stamped "MADE IN USA" stacked around him, while just offscreen was the warehouse's true contents, hundreds of boxes labeled "MADE IN CHINA." Here's an even better fake backdrop.
New from George Romano, Meow of the Dead: "ZOMBIES WANT BRAAAINS! MOUSEY BRAAAAAINS!" There's a good strategy for Zombies: If they were CUTE, you probably would get close enough to get your brains eaten.
The url says it all.
New Trick Lobster! Okay, I'm lying. The Poor Man reviews "the greatest movie of all time," and while Citizen Kane is mentioned, that ain't it.
A Something Awful Photoshop Phriday that's actually worth reading.
Cats remember their kittenhoods more than you'd think. Kill Kill, for example, will grab a mouthful of kibble when I fill her bowl, run 6 feet, drop the food on the floor and eat it. Then she'll go back to the bowl and finish eating. My assumption is that when her litter was weaned they were all fed from one bowl, and since she's always been a small cat her bigger siblings muscled her out of the way. But as she's always been a very smart and fast cat, she learned to grab at least a little bit of food before they did. She only does this when the bowl is completely empty, which is further evidence for my theory. And she's been doing it for 3&1/2 years...
I screwed up an aspect of her kittenhood, sad to say. As I was working 48 hours a week, with a 12-hour shift thrown in for bad measure, I decided to not let her sleep with me for fear she'd keep me awake all night. How stupid. I should've let her sleep with me and see if she did keep me up, rather than just assume that she would.
After a while, I let her sleep with me on days off, then all week. The irony is that I actually slept better with her in the bed. And, sadly, that she decided sleeping was such a treat that she simply stopped climbing into my lap for pets when she was awake. She literally stopped the day after her first night in bed with me.
Long-time readers of this drivel will remember Bagland, the Kitty Theme Park, and that I always say "long-time readers of this drivel" when we trip down memory lane. Bagland is largely ignored these days; Cardboard Boxland is all the rage. Possibly this is because it's closer to the computer, which is where I usually am and also from where the toy mice get thrown. Maybe it's just because she has a peculiar box fetish. She'll jump in a box no matter what size it is:
Farthest from here--6 feet away, maybe--is a bourbon box on its side. This is to stand on and cry for mouse combat, and also functions as a scratching post, so that one can tone her muscles before battle. Next is a Woodchuck cider box; this is a good place to lurk before attacking mice and also occasionally functions as a diner (it's where she takes the mouthful of kibble sometimes). Then there's the biggest box, the one which held my Road Warrior action figures from Canada. The shredded paper on the bottom makes for great bedding. Next is an old Genny Red 30 pack, the first box she took over when she arrived. It just doesn't get much use anymore, but it's there if she wants it. It was most famous as the Mope Box, where'd she'd go to pout when I'd go to work. She's over that phase now, ever since I started getting up a few minutes earlier to make sure she got all the attention I could give--If I can get her to purr, she won't mope when I leave.
Finally, we have the box that held a Road Warrior figure from a different part of Canada. This is all for sleeping. It's much, much smaller than the other boxes, not much bigger than her, actually. She loves to scrunch her face up against the side and snooze right by my feet. And there's a wonderful second use that I've just discovered--LapCat in a Box! (TM)
NEW from KillKillCo! The exciting NEW way to make any cat a LAP CAT! Just listen to these testimonials!
"I vas mit der using of der LapCat in a Box! (TM) for der kitty-cat, and all vas wunderbar! Then I vas mit der using for der tiger, und I'm guessing der box vas too small for der tiger, and der tiger got very mad und angry und also eating people's heads, so I say to you, don't be putting your tigers in der LapCat in a Box! (TM) Gott und Himmel, I vill be missing Siegfried." --Roy
Xoverboard calls this "the greatest drawing ever made in the history of comic art", and he may be right. Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, here's MONKEY FIGHT!
(Will look like crap in MSIE, if you haven't turned off that worthless "tools/internet options/advanced/multimedia/enable automatic image resizing" default)
"can you not see that your uncle is varied by your mall content": "This webpage celebrates the wonderful engrish subtitles featured in an asian bootleg DVD of Lord of The Rings - The Two Towers. What you see is exactly what appears on the TV screen. The first half of the movie has the most screengrabs, as there is more action than talking later on, and the subtitle writers eventually started getting the name of the characters right." Drag the mouse under each pic for the real dialogue. That's Solomon milon dish!
For those of you who miss Sisto stories--all none of you--I went off a bit on the Monkey Fight picture on Neg's page last night. Actually contains no Sisto.
I've discovered that my multiple email addresses of the last 2 months have confused people. It's thoughtviper#fastmail#fm now. Yes, ".fm." I don't know if that stands for "fastmail" or "formosa" or "fothermucker."
If there's one advantage to working in the DumpStore, it's
...Oh, yeah, there's a BIG!Lots in the plaza. Wow, that's a major-ass advantage.
$8 of crap from Jerry van Dyke means 2 bags of stuff. Some Arizona iced tea, some memo pads (PDA? What's that for? It's called "pencil and paper" in my world), a CD titled Music from the Monster Movies that I picked up for $2.99, but only because the first 5 tracks are Godzilla. Obviously a cash-in on that REALLY REALLY successful
DorkenBruckenheimer Godzilla flick that no one saw. Including me, and I've seen every Big G movie and even have copies of copies of most of the recent Japanese Godzillas. One video gave you the real feel of going to the movies in Japan, as some guy smuggled his videocam into the theater and simply filmed the screen. So there's people talking or getting up to get popcorn, probably popcorn flavored with wasabe and buttered with squid ink in an Afro Ken cup, being Japan and all, and washed down with a big frothy glass of Pocari Sweat. And what a cash-in it was--Anyone careful enough to read the label would realize that they didn't actually record the theme from the Bruckeheimer's 1998 Fraudzilla, they just redid the old Japanese versions. And got the names of those wrong--It's Godzilla Vs. Monster Zero, not Godzilla and the Three-Headed Monster! Calling Star Hunter Nebula M! (Who were those guys, anyway? They were always sending monsters to fight Godzilla, but why? I mean, what'd Tokyo ever do to YOU, Star Hunter Nebula M?!)
Back in the day, I had a Japanese tape of Godzilla soundtracks, and I used to put the Godzilla Vs. Monster Zero theme on mix tapes, retitled as "Godzilla Vs The Horribly Flatulent Brass Section."
If the CD wasn't enough of a joke, they use 3 cuts of classical music used in monster movies, and Windows Media Player identifies the CD as Music From the Monster Movies...And the Superheroes, meaning that it was once a lot longer than 42 minutes.
Today was the first day in almost 3 weeks that the temperature got above freezing--or even within 10 degrees of freezing--So of course we were all making jokes about how this is "beach weather." But only Jerry Van Dyke would use 39 degrees F as an excuse to set up a front endcap of suntan lotion, and another endcap of Fourth of July picnic accessories.
I bought some cat stuff. Some catnip, and danged if the midget wasn't poking her head everywhere the second I opened the door. Kill Kill sniffed the bags, ran out the door, ran back in, sniffed the bags again. It's a SEALED bag of nip in a bag full of other crap, but she still knew it was there. I put the bags on the floor and she dug the bag right out.
CHRIST. Boy, did you know that Bach's Partita No. 3 was featured in The Hunger? Me neither, but DAMN the guy playing it on this CD needs about 15 more years of training at Violin PolyTechnic Institute before he should consider his playing worthy of even a BIG!Lots CD.
I also got some "gliders," party-favor toys that I thought KK might find some fun with before she ripped them to shreds. The party these things are at is gonna be a bust. They aren't "gliders." If you throw them, as if they were gliders, they glide in a nose-dive to the floor. But they have a notch at the front of the "cockpit" that's clearly there so that they can be launched by a rubber band. "Rubber Band Not Included" it doesn't say. Ponytail elastics work okay to launch them. KK hasn't made up her mind about them yet. She watches their flight with intense interest and trepidation, but hasn't chased one yet. Too out of her experience, I guess--maybe too big for her to think of them as play-prey.
The wings are cardboard, but the bodies of the gliders are plastic. Nice attention to detail: Rivets on the sides, a pilot (head) wearing an oxygen mask, and the glider identified as an "F-86" on the front. F-86? That dates the original template to the Korean War. 50 years ago! And still being made. The first kids to play with these gliders are in the AARP now...
And what's Kill Kill playing with right now? An old ponytail elastic that she's battled from the bathroom to the dining room. The classic toys are always the best!
And BIG!Lots had one of those things that you only find there: Osbournes socks. Little Ozzies and Sharons knitted into them. And me with the scanner not working...
How to Defend Yourself from Armed Robbery: Look to The News! Umm, I'm unclear as to why I'm listed, even if I'm at the bottom. Maybe it was that crazy guy I wrote about last Summer, GI Pudding Pop as I called him. But I guess there's a problem with the search engine when it has as its "Top Ten Searches: stun gun | pepper spray | mace | taser | knives | hidden camera| security | alarm | safes | epson ink cartridge"
WOO! Now THERE'S an Ninja skill! Exactly how do you disable an attacker with an Epson ink cartridge? Make him pay full retail for the refills?