I'm really trying to shed the dark notes of the previous New, but I'm failing.
I mean, Lilly sends me this:
Jerry Van Dyke Trying to Retire
BENTON, Ark. (AP)
The 70-year-old brother of Dick Van Dyke is trying to retire, says daughter Jerri, who runs Jerry Van Dyke's Soda Shoppe in Benton.
He plans to keep his ranch near Benton and his soda shop, which is decorated with posters, photographs and other memorabilia from his acting career, Jerri Van Dyke says. ...& 2 days later I can't think of any funny? He's got a little museum of JERRY VAN DYKE MEMOROBILIA! He named his daughter JERRI! Jerri, named after Dad, with last name DYKE! Bet she had an awesome time in high school!
All I know is that someday I WILL go to Benton, Arkansas.
I mean, the faux president is saying stuff like:
"This is good versus evil. These were evildoers. They have no justification for their actions. There is no religious justification. There is no political justification. The only motivation is evil."
...Like he's He-Dubya about to fight Skeletorladen. Gee, can you dumb that down just the eensiest bit further, George? Maybe say that Osama bomb-Laden poops his pants? While making fart noises & waggling your butt around?
"Plans for a disaster-themed restaurant with faux airliner wreckage and video clips of train wrecks have been scrapped because of the terrorist attacks two weeks ago."
'I pulled the plug on it,' developer Pat Turner said. 'I had still been working on it, but to even think of the concept now is inappropriate.'
NOW it's inappropriate?!
"The burning motor of the plane would have served as a fireplace...'Let's face it, the public needs to indulge their undeniable fascination with the destructive, erotic nature of crashing, colliding and exploding objects,' [their web site] says.
Turner said he plans to develop a 'more conventional' restaurant."
TURNER: "WELCOME to...T.G.I.PEDOPHILES! No, no, that's not it...DISCO AUSCHWITZ!! Oh, wait, they did that already...WAIT! I've got it! McTALIBANS!!"
...Or "For the first time, Bush suggested that the people of Afghanistan should rise up against the Taliban."
Interesting. Dadya made the same proclamation during the Gulf War. When the people of Iraq rose up against Saddam, Bush Sr did nothing. That "No-Fly Zone" that's been so zealously enforced for a decade was ignored, as Iraqi helicopter gunships wiped out the rebels. When they were done, THEN the USA enforced the Zone. Was there a deal cut there? We don't fight a house-to-house battle in Baghdad with the crack Revolutionary Guard to personally take out Saddam, while he gets to stay in power while destroying his main opposition?
Are there other deals being cut with Islamic hardliners we'll also never know about? Until, of course, like the deals we cut with Iran or Iraq or Afghanistan or bin Laden, we find out when they blow up in our faces?
I've been following Captain Ribman for many months. Reasonably funny as a comic strip (whereas most strips are painfully UNfunny, all the time, days upon months upon decades), but Ask Captain Ribman has some really funny stuff. And, so far, it's the only comic that's playing The Current Crisis for laffs!--even if that above-linked comic is the 1st in history to have a "I'm dumber than Dubya" punchline.
...And of course "Secretary of State Colin Powell said the Taliban could be spared - and perhaps even receive Western aid - if it hands over bin Laden and rips up the al-Qaida terrorism network.
'If they did that we wouldn't be worrying about whether they are the regime in power or not,' Powell said."
So...it's a WAR for FREEDOM, but if the most repressive regime in the world kisses our ass, they're FREE TO GO!
Handy survival tips, via Beckjord, Hanson & MacGillivray Security and Management Consultants (and the Psychoceramics ML):
Calls not from media are returned collect.
PASS COPIES TO FIVE OTHERS, WHO PASS THIS TO FIVE MORE, EACH, UNTIL WE COVER THE WORLD.
I keep hearing that Satire is now out, as we no longer live in the Age of Irony.
No. Satire is out because no one could make this shit up.
9/26Back to What's New, Old School. Thanks to suckass Readyhosting, I have to reupload (reREupload, if you count what Geocities destroyed) everything again.
Next: The Missing InExObs.
Sign of the Times: A transformer blew in a steak house in the Hartford Civic Center, so the police immediately sealed off every highway ramp into & out of the city during rush hour. A tiny city, I should point out, that has a population close to that the World Trade Center had. (If you look at the picture in the above link, you're looking at EVERY major building in the Hartford skyline. All 3 of them. That pointy thing to the right, almost totally obscured by smoke, is the Travelers Tower, 1 of America's 1st skyscrapers, built in 1911) The only "industry" in Hartford, CT is insurance, and that was pretty much driven into the ground on 9/11 without any direct attacks on Aetna or Travelers.
World Trade Center, Pentagon, then a Steak House in rundown downtown mall. Yeah, that follows. Only a bit later (before they said it was a blown transformer), I was helping a guy out to his car with his booze purchases when thunder bellowed across the sky. He jumped, & said "You never know what a loud noise means these days!"
WTC, Pentagon, Steak House, then a half-closed strip mall with a liquor store.
These days a loud noise means "shit your pants" I guess.
Replacing the InExObs took an evening, rather than the 2 weeks it took the 1st time. So all those are back. I haven't figured out how to FTP to the CD-R yet, which would reduce any future downtime to minutes.
An email from Karl suddenly jarred something long forgotten: His idea, way back in 8/98, to have a domain called "wtc-terrorist.org." It was to be a joke site, allegedly by terrorists, for terrorists. I came up with a couple of terrorist personal ads & a brief Martha Stewart parody. It never went anywhere. Which is just as well, as we're currently not in jail.
"Everything's changed!" they say, but besides the flags on the cars & "God Bless America" on the radio & the economy on the brink of collapse, I can't see yet exactly what has changed in anyone's thinking. Karl says: "I'm not holding an opinion on these events, because increasingly, it appears that the greater part of _no-one_ has changed from 9-11-01. We are all still safe and secure deep within boxes that we create. It shakes me with anger sometimes that someone didn't have a reasonable amount of their thoughts changed by the events."
9/29And so it begins.
Fascinating but upsetting page about so-called "frivolous" lawsuits. Yeah, that woman who sued McDonalds when she spilled coffee on herself shouldn't've opened the cup by pressing it between her knees, but when Ronald already had 700! complaints from people being burned by his coffee (including 3rd-degree burns) & simply ignored the problem...
What's most interesting about the page is that those giant settlements aren't really Lotto for the winners. They're the only way to get through to a rapacious corporation that cares nothing about the human suffering & death their products cause, so long as the profits roll in. Hitting their bottom line is the only way to make them pay attention. "The jury also awarded Liebeck $2.7 million in punitive damages, which equals about two days of McDonald's coffee sales."
The really frivolous lawsuits, says the page, are businesses suing each other over nothing: "'Scott Paper's Canadian division sued Proctor & Gamble in 1995, alleging that Proctor & Gamble had misled consumers about the absorptive power of Bounty paper towels by advertising it as the 'quicker-picker-upper.'
"The product liability bill would not affect Scott Paper's case. But a lumberjack injured by a defective chainsaw while cutting down the tree used to make paper towels might be left without any legal recourse."
Dumbya gets the brilllliant idea to fund the anti-Taliban forces! Yeah, arm the people who hate the people in control of Afghanistan! Yeah, there's NO POSSIBLE WAY that THAT could blow up in our faces--literally--in 10, 20 years! Maybe we could have the superspies in the CIA fund & train some rich Saudi in terrorism! THAT IS SO SMART! A goes to B goes to...Nothing! There's NEVER a C!!
(Have CIA overthrow legitimate government of Iran, as we hate their neighbors the Soviets. When corrupt Shah of Iran is overthrown, leading to this interesting new invention Islamic Fundie Government, back Iraq to counter Iran. When Iraq subtly tells US ambassador that they're planning to invade Kuwait, tell Saddam it's none of our business if he does.
Fund Afghani "freedom fighters" to defeat Soviet Union. When Communism falls because of Soviet defeat in Afghanistan & Yugoslavia disintegrates because of Communism's fall, bomb Serbia & pretend that there's no connection.
Train bin Laden in terrorism. Give millions in aid to hateful Taliban just a few months ago.
In outrage over Iraq's invasion of Kuwait, kill 100,000 civilians in Gulf War, pretend there's no connection when WTC is destroyed.
Fund Afghani "freedom fighters," pretend that there will never be a C...)
Tom Tomorrow paraphrases the quote from the US Army in Viet Nam: "It was necessary to destroy the village in order to save it."
Now, LIGHTER STUFF!
Awoke at 230PM & accomplished nothing Sunday, unless the laundry counts. Fell horribly tired at 1030PM, & returned to bed.
Until 230AM. This is the 3rd week in a row this has happened on my days off. No idea why. I stayed up for awhile, then tried to sleep. Failing to sleep as dawn approached, I decided that I needed a little white sleeping pill. So I picked up Kill Kill & dumped her on the bed. She HATES being picked up, but instead of bolting, she laid down & snoozed, & with her company, eventually I did, too.
Sunny & mid-60s said the forecast, so I set the alarm & awoke to 100% clouds & low 50s. October! HATE YOU!
Went to the Salvation Army & bought a "Half Yard Of Ale." If you were around in the late 60s, this was a thing your parents might've had. It's a 1.5-foot-tall beer glass in a wooden holder. At least my parents had one, but it was sold at their garage sale before I could claim it. Now, for $2, I have my own! Which tempts me to drink a Yard Of Ale, but I suspect that that would only lead to a Day Of Puking.
I also found something that I needed, a pencil holder. Not that I realized that I needed it until I saw it!
Never forget how precious life is, or how quickly you can lose all that matters.
I don't know anything about sewing machines, but one with a built-in computer with stitch patterns makes sense!
Trust BIG!Lots to come up with this:
...They must've been out of Coleco Adams.
Gourd forbid you're serging a hem when Junior decides to plug "Pokemon" into the Game Boy. JUNIOR: "I got a high score!" MOM: "AAARRRGGHH! I STITCHED MY FINGERS TOGETHER!"
Another thing I bought a few weeks at the SalvArmy was "Brewsack." That sounds less pleasant everytime I say it. Brewsack, Brewsack, BREWSACK! (Note the 2nd picture!)
It's this Scottish thing I picked up. It's a sack. That you brew with. Brew beer. Seemed pretty simple (and cost $2.50, plus $3 of purified water from BIG!Lots). Heat some water, open & "discard the red hygiene seal," fill with hot water, then fill with cold water.
Of course, it was "VERY hot water, almost boiling," whatever that meant. Not 212 degrees F, but...what? 210F? 150F? I not-boiled the water in a spaghetti pot & planned to pour it into it with a funnel I made from a water bottle. The burner under the water began smoking, from something spilled on it. *sniff, sniff* The smell of burning cat hair!! She's not supposed to be up here! What does KK do when I'm not home?
Removing the Red Hygiene Seal turned out to be a problem. It was stuck in by whatever brew-goop was in the bag. How old is Brewsack? Uhh, don't know!
Dammit! It's almost impossible to pour the water into Brewsack! The opening's stuck with goop to the back of the bag! I throw the pot holders down to look more carefully.
You know how in the movies, when something small catches on fire, it makes this "FWOOMP" sound? Well, that's really the sound it does make, at least when you toss a "Chefasaurus" pot holder onto a burner that hasn't cooled down yet.
...And when you throw it in the sink, it goes "POOOF" when it goes out. I don't think that I've ever actually heard the sound effect "poof" in real life.
When I was a kid, my Mom once started a grease fire in the kitchen. She flipped out & began shrieking, but I immediately flung open the kitchen cabinet, grabbed a box of baking soda, & heroically flung it on the fire. As the baking soda was flying through the air, I thought--"Wait, is it baking SODA or baking POWDER you use?!"
It was baking soda. In retrospect, baking powder would've exploded like dry sawdust.
In a month, I'll let you know how Brewsack turned out.
A Yahoo Pick of the Week: "When I Am King." Words fail me.
10022001At closing time a guy started barking about "Dune coons." Geddit?? It's the new word for SAND NIGGERS! The owner laughed as if this was some great witticism. "We'll show them dune coons!" crowed the retard at this public validation of his high level of smartyness. "We'll put a bullet in each of their HEADS!" Since he was in his 40s and had a wobbling beer gut, by "us" he meant "not me." I walked out the door before I screamed "YEAH! That's what America's all about! The right to be a RASCIST SHITHEAD! Fat, alcoholic rascist shitheads who'd crap their pants full of their Big Macs if they EVER faced a gun! You cocksuckers will be the FIRST to cave in when hundreds of body bags a week start coming in from Afghanistan, and you finally 'GET' that YOUR kids are going to be drafted and DIE!"
Of course, I was still screaming about that internally when I got home. The Small White ran up purring, as always, & I forgot about it.
Until I remembered it again when I typed it here. YOU, rascist asshole, YOU should've died in the attacks!! NOT THEM.
But then I remembered this morning, when she crawled into bed by me, rolled on her back, pressed her paws against my arms & for half an hour made that comma-eyed cat face of purring ecstasy as she watched me sleep. Not sleeping herself, just purring & thinking that our lives were perfect & safe & unchangingly perfect & safe forever.
Yeah, rascist jerk, fight for your right to hate. I'll fight for my right as an American to not blindly hate.
But I'm the one who'll die free & thinking. And you'll be so happy to live safe & as a slave in a vanished America, an America that bears no relation to what it used to be.
A long, thoughtful article on why we REALLY DON'T NEED to lose our civil liberties to fight a war on terrorism. Why replace our rights when we can upgrade our technology? "Security can be improved in other ways, for example by preventing identity theft or replacing Microsoft products with well-engineered software, that greatly improve privacy. And many proposals for improved security, such as searching passengers' luggage properly, have a minimal effect on privacy relative to existing practices. The "trade-off" between security and civil liberties, therefore, is highly over-rated, and I am quite surprised by the speed with which many defenders of freedom have given up any effort to defend the core value of our society as a result of the terrorist attack."
A short, less-reasoned comment from Mr Bad: "This country isn't about me-too suckwads, flag-waving yahoos, and bomb-throwing asskissers. It's about dissent, freedom, and democracy. We need to tell these freaks that if they don't like America the way it is -- FREE -- they can go back to Nazi Asslandia and take their fucking straight-jackets with them." The link leads to a petition that I'd never heard of till now--They wanted 100,000 sigs by yesterday. But you can still sign it.
Why sign it? Another thing you haven't heard about: An innocent American Arab is thrown in jail without being charged or even allowed to speak to a lawyer for 2 weeks because 1) His name is like a hijacker's, assuming you SPELL IT WRONG, & 2) He booked a flight with Travelocity!!
Yeah, I know. Just a damn dune coon. Who the fuck cares? "When they came for the Arabs, I did nothing, as I wasn't an Arab..."
From Kirk, The Story of Nasubi. I think I would've made a weapon from my fingernails & killed the producer when I saw him, but I'm not Nasubi.
On a FUNNY note, from YABS comes the latest--and apparently final--installment in the saga of Brendan & Fern, writers of Batman fanfics--err, I mean, "Guerilla Attack Dramas."Brendan's 1st sentence of the story:
"We are the only animals with humor. We are so lucky!"
Reminding us that humor can get us through anything.
"What's So Funny?" The Connecticut Forum September 28, 2000
What's so interesting? 3 weeks ago they ran that exact same ad in the same paper on 9/12. The Advocate had enough time to put in a full-page memorial to the fallen of 9/11, but obviously they were too distracted (like everyone else) to tell the CT Forum that they might want to change the headline on their ad that day:
"Who got their jewelry?"
When asked if something funny could be said about 8,000 people dying in an earthquake.
"What's So Funny?" The Connecticut Forum September 28, 2000
I was thinking about just that when the same station began playing an ad I hadn't heard in 3 weeks. A really annoying ad with a guy sneering about how his parents always favored him over his younger brother. "When *I* graduated college, they got me an apartment in New York City! When *Jimmy* graduated, they remodeled the GARAGE!"
Why did the ad disappear for 3 weeks? Revised version:
"When *I* graduated college, they got me an apartment in the city!"
Huh? Wha?? What am I being "protected" from here? Am I supposed to pretend that New York City never existed?? They're editing movies & TV shows to make it seem like the WTC never existed, & removing songs like "Killing Me Softly" from radio playlists--the Lite Favorites station stopped playing the blandly inoffensive song "Crash & Burn" a few days after the Attacks. So as not to "remind" people of 9/11.
So what are all those flags for? Why does Lite Favorites play "God Bless America" on a pop station, & recite the Pledge of Allegiance on the hour? Am I supposed to NOT be reminded?! WTF?!
WHOOPS. "WTF" is only a letter away from "WTC." And that's 2 from "NYC." Never utter again any initials!
If you don't want to hear any non-"RAH! RAH! WAR is FUN!" news about WWIII, go back to watching Fox News & DON'T read this article by an ex-CIA agent once stationed in Pakistan, & why the CIA ain't gonna nail bin Laden: "A former senior Near East Division operative says, 'The CIA probably doesn't have a single truly qualified Arabic-speaking officer of Middle Eastern background who can play a believable Muslim fundamentalist who would volunteer to spend years of his life with shitty food and no women in the mountains of Afghanistan. For Christ's sake, most case officers live in the suburbs of Virginia. We don't do that kind of thing.' A younger case officer boils the problem down even further: 'Operations that include diarrhea as a way of life don't happen.'"
A year ago I said that if you wear glasses, get them from Sears. They fix 'em for free!
Then, they self-destructed. Last night, they got stepped on while I was gettin' down with my new wireless headphones. No-fault glasses insurance!
How weird that a jet full of Israelis could explode, & America--and its government--simply shrug it off.
"Yeah, off-course Ukranian missile. Pay no attention to that!" I haven't seen ONE news story asking "If it really was a Ukranian missile, WHY DID IT GO OFF COURSE? Was it deliberate?" They'd be analyzing this to its constituent molecules if the victims were Americans. Of course, I keep forgetting that dead foreigners aren't on par with dead Americans.
Chechnya? Where's that?
I still have to say that Bush's puppeteers are doing a good job, sending the 10th Mountain in 1st. Here's an article on more not-stupid strategies for the War (Summary: Don't act like pig-headed Americans!), interesting if for nothing more than else than "a bizarre talk given by Jeff "Skunk" Baxter before a group of military policymeisters, defense contractors, and Defense Department employees a few days after the attack. Weeks before September 11, the Potomac Institute for Policy Studies, a Pentagon-friendly think tank, had asked Baxter, who was a lead guitarist for the Doobie Brothers and Steely Dan and a music-technology wiz before fashioning himself into a military-technology expert, to present the case for a national missile defense. After the World Trace Center and Pentagon attacks, Baxter -- with his droopy mustache and old-guy pony tail -- was still happy to do so. He argued that in the post-9/11 world, missile defense remains 'imperative' because China still could intimidate the United States by threatening to launch one or more of its two dozen or so nuclear missiles. Beijing, he claimed, would not be deterred by a U.S. counterstrike: 'If we launch a nuclear attack against China -- all we do is solve their housing crisis.'" DUDE! Wouldn't their houses be like, radioactive 'n' shit? That is so like...what's the word...you know, man, that word? Uhh...I forgot what we were talking about. Hey, don't hog ALL the Fritos, Skunk!
I don't have a flag--or flags--on my car, but if having one on yours makes you feel better, that's fine. The week after the attack, when regular newspaper advertisers expressed their shock & sorrow--I mean, what other reaction could you have? (Besides pig-headed American Kill'emAll(TM)) But I'm actually pissed about the postcard I got from HomeScan.
HomeScan is this consumer panel I've been on since '92. You get a little UPC scanner, you scan what you buy, send the info to them, & they send you points that you can redeem for free stuff. So far, I have a Dustbuster, a vacuum cleaner that I don't use as it leaves Kill Kill terrified for hours, & just a week ago, wireless headphones. Obviously, it would NOT take 9 years of working to be able to buy those things, but more like a week. But it amuses me to think how I'm throwing off their database simply by being truthful in what I buy. (Which is different than what I do with those grocery store cards. Every time you swipe them, they compile your shopping habits & sell the data. I have 2 grocery cards, both of which I found dropped on the floor of the liquor store. They must wonder why someone buys cat food from a store 10 miles away, when their database says the card owner doesn't have a cat anyway...)
The postcard, sent 3 WEEKS after the attacks, assures us HomeScanners that "As America unites to heal the wounds of our nation, we want you to know that ACNielsen is here, and remains strong."
Whoa, now THERE'S a big ole load offen my shoulders! Terrorists will NEVER destroy our NIELSEN RATINGS SYSTEM! The WTC towers may have been toppled, but "Friends" will never topple from the top of the RATINGS!
Their address is in New York, but the town is "Syosset." I'm really sure that that is not 1 of the 5 boroughs. Maybe they got agitated calls from morons who also think that Niagra Falls is in Queens. But I guess that if your main job is a TV ratings service, morons are your main customers.
Jessica dropped by the store today to buy a bottle of wine.
It's prly all those years of men, who've never had a Platonic female friend of their own, refusing to believe that I COULD be a Platonic friend to a truly jaw-droppingly gorgeous woman that I'm so unaware of her actual looks most of the time. I don't see this "hot babe" when I look at her, but just "my best bud." Usually.
But her hospital office job doesn't require jeans & t-shirts like her old liquor store job (The boxes here are amazingly filthy; the cheaper bottles of wine frequently are covered with a green dust--Why green? Cuz that ain't no dust, it's MOLD SPORES). But in her current office job she dresses to the nines every day. And that's when I remember that, yes, she is on the supermodel level.
Today made me remember the time a coupla summers ago when we went to Real Art Ways (a gallery/cinema place that's had many a mention here). As it was summer & we were seeing a movie, Jess both had her glasses on & was wearing tasteful shorts & a tight shirt (uh, due to her basic body design, any shirt on Jessie is going to be tight by default, if you get my gist). The manager of this non-profit arts org, Will, was as always at the door greeting people. Every time I've gone with KMDS or some other male, the greeting was eye contact & a nod. Not this time! As soon as we walked in, he looked at her, he looked at me, he looked at her, he looked at me--standard male reaction to us in public, really. Then he rushed over. We were looking at the gallery to see if it was open, & Will was all over us. Gushing words he was, asking if we'd seen the latest gallery exhibit, cuz, you know, we SHOULD, yak yak yak. We're going after the movie, I said, mentally scratching my head over what THAT was all about.
After the movie (the 1 with the international ads, such as that classic where a Dutch family starts grooving to a song with the lyric "I wanna fuck you in the ass," with the end title "Do You Want To Learn English?"), we went to the gallery. Jess didn't notice, but I saw Will twist his head off at the neck when we walked in. He was talking with another couple, but kept an eye on us the whole time we were there.
Eventually he started shadowing us. Jess wasn't aware of this, but I was, & it was starting to creep me out. Finally we went into the screening room, which was showing a film loop of a little boy puffing on a cigarette. Jess, who had just quit smoking mainly to not set a bad example for her young daughter, reacted to the medium & not the message. "I don't like this," she said with a grimly set jaw. "I don't like this at all."
Then Will said "What don't you like about it?" which made Jess almost jump out of skin. We mumbled some...stuff...or something, & left.
The next time I went--with KMDS & Jay--I got the same eye contact & cursory nod from Will that I'd always gotten. I thought about that when I got home--Why was it different that time with Jessica?
He looked at her, looked at me. Then decided "TROPHY GIRLFRIEND! There's no WAY a woman like THAT would be around a guy like HIM unless--He's Rich! I smell a DONATION!"
I used to get weirded out by male reactions to Jess & Bill in public. I've since learned that they can be *quite* entertaining. They're the equivalent of using found store cards. Perception is NOT reality!
10/6Here's a new one. I'm updating cuz I'M BORED.
I worked in the Small Store today. There was a discussion of What Else, the War. I was surprised that the 10th-grade dropout actually agreed with me that it's going to be long, ugly, and bloody. Of course, he also thinks that "The only war where people died for this country was the Revolutionary War. Every other war has been us dying for other countries!" I'd put the Civil War & the War of 1812 as other battles for national survival, but I decided to keep it simple & mention that we REALLY needed to fight in World War II. "I dunno, " he said, "They sank that cruise ship the Housatonic just to drag us into it!"
That was World War ONE, I pointed out, and it was the Lusitania (the Housatonic is a river in western CT). He also mentioned the "French & American War," while the other guy working said that "The Spanish-American War was good, cuz we got California & Texas out of it!" And that guy's a college student!
I said "Not as good as the War Against the Superhuman Monkey Robots!" That's when we freed the slaves!
Cap'n Wacky is back, & actually wrings some comedy out of the new Hollywood PC over 9/11: "Upcoming 'The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers' to be retitled 'The Lord of the Rings: Hobbit Goes Bananas.'" I wouldn't be surprised if they did rename the 2nd movie if it was coming out right now, even if Barad Dur & Isengard are as unlike the WTC as could be hobbitly possible.
Yes, yes, I knew the names of the towers off the top of my head. Does that make me a geek? Yes! Or take Cap'n Wacky's Geek Test. Unfortunately, they're not big enough geeks themselves to make the test interactive. You have to write your answers down! ON PAPER!! Are these people INSANE?!
Burger King sure takes their slogan "Flame-broiled, not Fried" pretty seriously.
It's that video that bin Laden released right after the attack that worries me. I'm sure he was waiting for our retaliation before launching Part Two, & every news agency in the world might've just unwittingly broadcast the signal telling his terror cells to launch it.
Something I've hesitated to say here for weeks is what I thought of after that story I wrote about an A-bomb going off near the Nuclear Sub Base. No doubt, Part Two is as carefully planned as Part One. Given the way each attack has been bigger than the last doesn't fill me with hope. Maybe it'll be a wave of attacks all over the country & the world. Maybe he does have a Bomb.
If he does (and even this athiest is praying to God that he doesn't), it would be very hard to get it into the USA now. So he would've brought it in before the 9/11 attacks--maybe months or years before. And it's sitting somewhere just waiting to be armed & detonated. But where? Maybe built into the side of a building! But, no, you'd need a construction project so big, so long, & so chaotic that no one would question a couple of trucks putting something into a wall, with security keypads & locks that might go unnoticed.
Big, long, & chaotic?
Holy shit. The Big Dig.
Maybe its my NewEnglandocentric viewpoint that made me think of it. If you don't know what is, it's one of the hugest civil engineering projects in world history--They're going to solve Boston's traffic problems by putting the roads under the city in a giant tunnel. If you exploded a nuke in there, the city wouldn't just explode, but then IMplode. The Dig came to mind first, but I guess every major city has a subway system...
Man, I hope he doesn't have a Bomb stolen from the ex-Soviets by the Russian Mafia, or given to him by some of his best buddies in nuclear-armed Pakistan. I also really wish that I'd never thought of this...
correction: Star Chaser informs me that "that video by beardieboy was sent in BEFORE the bombs started." So hopefully it wasn't a signal. (Unless he was getting impatient, & wanted to jumpstart his little Armageddon) (GAH! I'm so worried sick that I'm now SICK of WORRYING!!)
Find of the Day: A copy of "THE TICK: Mighty Blue Justice!" It's like a sourcebook for the Tick Universe. Cover price: $12. SalvArmy price: 33 cents. "I says, 'Surf's up Space Ponies! I'm makin' gravy without the lumps!'"--The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight, baby!!
Wasn't there supposed to be some live action Tick TV show this season? Did it get cancelled already?
Accomplishment of the Day: Replacing the window that fell. There was a severe thunderstorm a coupla months ago. I awoke to find that the removable storm window had removed itself at some point. It was dangling by only one corner; if it'd not snagged, it would've slid down the awning...gable...whatever the hell you call the slanty part of the house that overhangs the garage. My downstairs neighbors never park their car in their empty garage, not even during t-storms, so the window would've gone straight through their back windshield. Kill Kill greeted me as always, but ran away in fear when I took the window inside. She'd prly been right next to it when it went down. After I left it propped up in a corner, she did that slow tip-toe thing cats do when they're sneaking up on something scary (like a vacuum cleaner that's been turned off). She also did the "tentative sniff" & "bat at it with your paw without touching it" things.
The temps are supposed to drop into the 20s tonight, so after 3 months I can't leave the screen up any more. As soon as I picked the window up, KK went running. Even after 3 months, she remembers a scary thing.
I received an offer from this place to be a columnist. "You'd have total freedom over whatever content you choose to post, and deadlines are self-imposed. It would be great to have you on board." Well, no deadlines sounds good. But I dunno. Some of these people write much better than I ever will, and I don't know what to write about. The editor likes my writing, but I don't know how much he's read. It got a lot more serious in here in the last month. (So serious it's getting on my nerves; see goofiness below) But I'll think about it.
Space Ghost's Dream Girl Merril Markoe goes to a psychic::
"The Tourist on the WTC" faked photo: The next "All Your Base"?
"Columbus Day," I grumbled. I'd forgotten that people other than government workers get the day off, and the grocery store was packed. The fire alarm went off. Interestingly, nobody freaked out. A woman with an 18-month-old girl passed me, explaining to her child "That's the alarm. That means you have to stay in the cart." Hopefully, she was just using it as an excuse to keep the kid from rampaging through the english muffins, & not expecting to have to bolt if it turned out to be serious.
It was a bakery fire, said the cashier, though his tone didn't indicate that that was unusual.
Near the entrance was a sign listing available jobs. "Bakery" was one. Maybe they're the grocery store equivalent of Spinal Tap drummers.
Notice something since 9/11? Dubya's been point man, while Cheney's been sequestered in a series of "secure locations" ever since. So who's Shari Lewis & who's the expendable Lambchop in this relationship?
I wonder what the Secure Location is like. It's prly like the Batcave! "Activate the DickComputer!" says Dick as he slides down the Dickpole--Well, they'd prly not let him name it that, or let him slide down it. Don't need no cardiac events now. "Ready the Dickfibulator!"
Maybe they're working on all sorts of devices down there. Maybe they're genetically altering swine into Flying Stealth Pigs, which will sneak into the Taliban camps & plant big sloppy kisses on them. "Oh no, UNCLEAN!" the Fundies will scream, reaching for their toothpaste without realizing that the Flying Stealth Pigs replaced their Crest with deviled ham spread! "OH NO! I will be martyred and go to Heaven, but my lips and mouth will go to Heck! I'll be lucky if even a dozen virgins let me bang them!" Then they discover that the Flying Stealth Pigs replaced their underwear with briefs made of pigskin!
And that's when the GIANT ROBOT GORILLAS attack! They have the strength of 500 regular gorillas, give or take 5%, and that's not normal gorillas, gentle & eating fruit in the jungle & picking nats off each other type gorillas, but Hollywoood ANGRY-STYLE gorillas! They'd be like Sigourney Weaver in "Gorillas in the Mist" crossed with Sigourney Weaver in "Aliens II"! It'll be called "Operation: Gorillas That Are Pissed and Beat You with Their Fists!" No, too long. How about "Operation: Infinite Monkeys"?
Possibly I shouldn't've read that Tick book before writing this.
I keep forgetting to say this: Remember on 10/3 when I said that the Lite Favorites station had stopped running promos for their Joan Rivers comedy laff-fest? The day after the free weekly paper ran their back-fixed ad removing her joke about thousands dying, they began running the ads featuring her voice again.
Sample joke: "Who here exercises? Well, if God had wanted me to bend over, He'd put diamonds on the floor!"
If God ever wants me to have sex again, He'll stop putting the image of Joan Rivers bending over in my mind.
Still don't know what to say to Ink19, although "Maybe, leaning to no" is today's reaction. I've pretty much given up the illusion that there will ever be any new content on this domain besides the News. And putting this there means NO new content here.
And it's just...weird. I know that there's about 50 people who read this regularly, but I still pretend that I'm writing to myself to keep from getting self-conscious. That wouldn't work with a big ole "DISCUSS" button at the end of everything I write, now would it?
10/10They changed the Joan Rivers ad again today. And no longer do the tickets "start at $30," they're now "only $30 dollars each." (Note: while I've always hated Rivers, the profits for the concert go to breast cancer research, so it's for a good cause). How the hell many people saw that one print ad, anyway? It wasn't so much bad taste as bad timing.
I live halfway between NYC & Boston, near the coast, 3 hours from the Canadian border, & 40 miles from that mass of nuclear bombs & atomic power plants that makes up the Sub Base. I had a nightmare about me & Kill Kill dying from radiation poisoning last night, with me being forced to choose between watching her die, or ending her suffering the hard way. I woke up quick.
But they didn't attack Disney World. Or Broadway. Or a frickin' Joan Rivers concert. If the bullet has your name on it, it's got your name on it. Do you know that every time you get in a car, there's a 1 in 5,000 chance you'll die in an auto accident? That doesn't mean that the 5,000th time that you do, you're instantly dead. It's also 4,999 to 1 against every single time you're in a car, so that odds are you'll live to die of old age.
OK, I'm not exactly sure what I'm getting at here. Live your life. Enjoy it. Do stuff. Go to the freakin' Joan Rivers concert. Be an Israeli, in that you remember that no matter how scary life is, you ain't dead yet.
Not funny bit from the Onion: "Responding to the threats facing America's free democratic system, White House officials called upon Americans to stop exercising their democratic freedoms Monday." Not funny, as it's what's really happening.
Michael Moore will prly be the next to go, if he keeps reminding us to THINK as we bomb.
Plot within a Plot. Makes some interesting points--How DID the WTC get destroyed by 2 planes when it was designed to withstand aircraft impacts? Were there bombs already in the Towers?--Then, in typical paranoid fashion, undercuts it by blaming it on...A New Mexico building company cleaning up the wreckage. Or possibly Bill Clinton!
It makes you wonder if there's a plot WITHIN the plot within the plot, making crazy claims like this so as to co-opt any legitimate questioning. Then, you question whether that TOO is a plot, & then just fucking go nuts & start blaming it on the CIA-controlled squirrels on your roof.
If Taliban planes were dropping packets of something on America with a smiling man on the cover patting his stomach & instructions in Pathan, would you eat it?That nightmare I had made me do 2 things: One was think about packing a box with food & water & cat food & litter & other important stuff, in case KK & I have to leave really quickly. Of course, everyone else would be fleeing too. I guess I'd rather die at home than in a traffic jam.
More superpets-comics-related levity: Gone & Forgotten seems to be updating more frequently than never, with a funny page on Superboy & Krypto.
And "The Final Marvel Comic", which sadly seems to be among the last of Gail's brilliance we'll see for a while.
I wonder if I come across on this page lately as someone typing with shaking hands, trembling over the uncertain future nonstop.
No, this page is my version of worry beads. I put it all here, go on my merry way, and you get the sweaty distillation. Bill's fears? You're soaking in it!
Like everyone else, I just go day to day, waiting for the next shoe to drop. Bomb, shoe, whatever. Shoes on a millipede.
They stopped running that latest Joan Rivers ad today. Possibly the bomb shelter refs seemed less apropos with the FBI saying how there could be an attack this weekend.
They've narrowed down the potential attack site to "America" or "Not America," but almost certainly "On the planet Earth." And said "Don't panic." Thanks, guys! I feel minty fresh already!
I must type slowly, as bloated am I now. Bought a box of Rice-A-Roni at--all together now!--BIG!LOTS! & mixed in some ground turkey (no, real turkey, not ground Jerry Van Dy--oh. Saw that coming, did you?). Reading the instructions, I note that it has 45% of my daily sodium, per serving. And I ate a serving & a half. I may volunteer to go to Afghanistan, since I'm like 2 servings away from bulletproof arteries.
There's not been much to laugh about in the news, but I did yesterday when Dubya said that we had air supremacy over Afghanistan, & some Taliban big shot said NO, you don't, because "American planes fly too high." Yeah, fly at baseball bat level & THEN we'll see who's boss!
I guess that we control the parts only above 10,000 feet or something. The Taliban may have something here, if they can convince the bombs to not pass through that part of the air.
I know that I'm supposed to be pretending that a month ago Dumbya went from slack-jawed corporate sock-puppet to the mighty defender against evil, He-Bush, but his main superpower continues to be hypocrisy. The FAA head of security has quit because, as Bush was having his cabinet members fly on commercial flights to "prove that air travel was safe," he was ordered to pull sky marshals from flights deemed more at risk & put them on the planes the cabinet is flying on.
Note how every airport in the country opened very quickly--except Ron Reagan, the one the Government uses most? And when it did open, it was with tightest security in the country. Untold numbers of brave American volunteers will die in the War, but the people in charge of that War are making very sure who won't.
"Be Inspired": a pre-911 ad with text that'll creep you right out.lighter
After enough refs to it on Funny Paper, I started reading "Gasoline Alley" this week. I also read "Dick Tracy," so it was weirdly amusing when he put in a recurring guest appearance. The lady with her blouse falling off's rich uncle was killed, & tomorrow we find out who the beneficiary of his will was: The slimy lawyer? The butler? The mansion full of Kill Kill lookalikes?
I'm hoping it's the cats. "But Detective Tracy! What makes you think that it was murder?"
"Something found in the victim's throat--THIS!" (dramatic music sting as Tracy holds up plastic trash bag with the hugest hairball ever in it)
The heater for my waterbed has tanked. That's bad, as it gets cold at night now, & cold waterbeds suck away your body warmth, rather than reflect it. So I tucked a blanket under me. But it's a twin-size blanket on a king-sized bed, so the part where Kill Kill sleeps near my face isn't covered. That's good. It seems to have halted that new nocturnal mommy-stomping I mentioned yesterday. She sleeps now about waist-high. That's also good, as whenever she uses me as a pillow I have have happy, goofy dreams involving her (last night had something to do with our car being tailgated by a Jack Russell terrier puppy that somehow learned how to drive a ride-on mower). Apparently she has a problem when she sees the back of my head, but doesn't care either way if she snoozes by my crotch or by my ass.
I'm suddenly curious as to what's in the trunk of my car.
No, I didn't see some swarthy guy sneaking in with a big bag marked "ANTHRAX." I was thinking about how I was yesterday thinking about thoughts about putting a survival kit in the car. I put what was in the trunk in a beer box today, so that the trunk contents would slide around that aforementioned trunk less. But now I'm curious as to what exactly is in this "survival kit." Let's see...
The box itself is Czechvar beer. This is a new import we have from the Czech Republic (duh). It's slogan is "Nothing's changed but the name." ??? No, they don't tell you what the name was, rendering the slogan inscrutable. Maybe it was named "Delicious Thirst-Quenching Beve
GAHH!!! KILL KILL!! You okay, honey?
I forgot to mention that what inspired me to look at the new beer box in the trunk was the OLD beer box in the trunk, which I'd brought up earlier tonight. KK jumped into it when I brought it up, so I gave her a sky-car ride in it on my shoulder, so that she could sniff & stare at the parts of the house that are at 10,000 feet to her mind. Then I put it on the kitty condo. Then she jumped out, or sorta out, & kitten & kaboodle hit the floor just now. She's okay. Cuz she's SUPERKILLS!
And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.
Maybe it was named "Delicious Thirst-Quenching Beverage of Niceness" in Czech which was translated as "Battery-Acid-Laced Baby Blood with EXTRA COOTIES!" by mistake. So they reduced it to "Czechvar," which only means "Extra Cooties" in English.
We have the roadside "Egermency! Everyone to get from street!" box my mother gave me 20 years ago (points to anyone that can nail that quote without using a search engine--saying "MST3K used it!" doesn't count). Said maternally-expected roadside egermency has yet to occur, and the flares are prly inert by now, but let's crack it open. KK's given it a good all-over sniff, so it must be OK.
Can't really give that much of a passing grade. But there's also a plastic tote bag in the trunk. I think most of it dates from my response to that winter day in '97 when AAA left me to almost freeze to death in a parking lot. Let's check...
Express train a-comin'!
Sore throat, weak legs--yep, Express train-style cold coming. Gonna smash me right flat by this time tomorrow. Better gulp some echanaciea & cross my fingers.
Unless it's ANTHRAX!
But I've always thought that their version of Joe Jackson's "Time" was to die for!
The band's lead singer says "This isn't the kind of exposure we want or need. It's as though it's 1937 and I'm a bandleader named Freddie Hitler."
"People keep coming up to me and saying, 'Hey, wouldn't it be funny if you got anthrax?' I'm like, 'Oh, that'd be hilarious.' " But he isn't taking any chances. On Monday, his girlfriend's mom went to her doctor and picked up some Cipro, an antibiotic used to treat anthrax. Ian vowed: "I will not die an ironic death."
A terrorist attack that's killed one? OBL would spray a contagious disease in Grand Central Station at rush hour. I'm siding with the theory that it's some damn lone nut/s. Maybe the Tylenol Killer has come out of his 20-year retirement.
Survival kit ideas: One comes from Ben Wilhelm, aka Zorba the Hutt, from Oberlin (where I also went to college...briefly):
" Bill (aka THOUGHTVIPER! The person who introduced me to Luna+Boulder collective. Even though he probably doesn't know it unless Luna told him.) wants to know people would put in a survival kit.
Well, what else? Survival!
no, seriously. hmmmm. *thinks* some sort of energy bars, because they keep forever. Knife is good, so's flashlight. uhm . . . err . . .
survival for *what*? For my car crashing? For my *bike* crashing?
Okay, now I remember why I don't have a survival kit - because any place I'd be that I could possibly use it, I wouldn't have it :P"
No, I didn't know about my page's connection to him & Luna. Still not as good as its connection betwixt Govynda & Baltimorerain, which makes me smile every time I think about it. Here's Vynnie's contribution:
we're supposed to have emergency kits by now? fuck!
::rummages through a desk drawer::
umm...okay...think i got it...
bottle of nyquil box of kleenex 7 pixy stix nailclippers discman/headphones/cds purple feather pen and poetry book (because i'm still writing, dammit) i-zone camera neosporin and band-aids (because as clumsy as i am, i'll need them) glue beaten-up paperback copy of "she's come undone"oh, yeah, and maybe a bottle of water and some canned food of if i have room. but not spam. i'm not that hungry."
And me? Uhh, I wanted to think up a funny list, but didn't get anywhere. A serious one would include a lot of stuff on the above lists, especially Vyn's listing of a journal (though I hope to not follow Monty's example).
I forgot that I have the "U.S. Army Survival Manual," "Survive Safely Anywhere: The SAS [British version of the Green Berets] Survival Manual" & "The Worst Case Survival Handbook." These have actual really-true survival kits in them. But I'll type that up tomorrow.
Right now, got an express train scheduled to run me over.
I seem to have avoided the cold, mainly by sleeping till 330PM today.Luna:
"okay, a survival kit. yeah. I can make a kit to survive from that's small & efficient
uh, this is assuming I can do anything that's efficient
uh, I'm taking japanese. I need to learn to do things in a small efficient manner.
Okay, so I'd pack:
a blank notebook & a hell of a lot of new mechanical pencils, plus lead a cd player, lots of batteries, and whatever CDs are being spun out by use at the time a hello kitty cellphone a pink twisty straw flashlight fruit drops like from grave of the fireflies a first aid kit pink handled scissors ribbon, tons of yo yo radiohead hoodie fluffy slippers my kitty toilet paper manga collec--uh -- this isn't very small and efficient, is it? I'd end up carrying luggage, wouldn't I?
Well, somebody did do it. There's prly a survival kit in that aforementioned US Army Survival Book, but it's so boring that I don't want to search through it to find it. The book is boring because it's a reprint of an Army manual, meaning it's dry as dust & accompanied by bland, gray drawings. Even the cover is ugly, just the flag over a camouflage background (given the printing date of 1991, it was prly hastily put out to make a buck during the Gulf War).
Survive Safely Anywhere, now this is a book! It's nicely laid-out, lavishly illustrated in full color, has plenty of little factoids spread throughout it. It's a coffee table book.
Random factoid: Always cook polar bear meat, as it contains the trichinosis worm. "NEVER eat polar bear liver which can have lethal concentrations of vitamin A." See? You're smarter already.
This book would be in my kit. There are illustrations of edible, poisonous and medicinal plants & mushrooms and instructions on how to make stone axes & igloos. It begins with a survival kit:Use a "2oz tobacco tin" as a case. I assume (the book is veddy British) that they mean like an Altoids or Sucrets box. If it's this size, you can carry it everywhere, all the time (a habit the book recommends)
Candle. "Shave square for packing. If made of tallow, it is also fat to eat in an emergency."
Flint. "Invest in a processed flint with a saw striker."
Magnifying glass. "Can start a fire from direct sunshine."
Needles and thread. "Choose strong thread and wrap it around the needles."
Fish hooks and line. "Include as much line as possible, it will also be useful for catching birds."
Beta Light. "A light-emitting crystal, only the size of a small coin but ideal for map reading at night and a useful fishing lure."
Snare Wire. "Brass wire, 2-3 feet should do. Save for snares, but could also solve many survival problems."
Flexible saw. "Can be used to cut even quite large trees."
Medical kit. Aspirin, Immodium, tetracycline, Bendadryl, water-sterilizing tablets, anti-malaria tablets, potassium pomegranate ("Add to water and mix until water becomes bright pink to sterilize it, deeper pink to make an antiseptic and to a full red to treat fungal diseases such as athlete's foot." I'm supposed to drink athlete's food medicine?)
Surgical blades. "At least 2 scalpels of different sizes. A handle can be made from wood when required."
Plasters. Band-Aids, in this country.
Condom. "This makes a good water-bag--holding 2 pints."
...And that's just what you carry in your pocket every day. He suggests also a "survival pouch" that you can grab at any time & affix to your belt. "The pouch should be made of waterproof material and be large enough to take a mess tin."
Fuel. "Solid fuel tablets in their own stove container."
Torch. "Use to chase away Frankenstein's monster, or investigate dungeons looking for treasure." Not really. "Flashlight," he means. A MagLite, really.
Flares. "Red and green miniflares and a discharger no bigger than a fountain pen."
Marker panels. "A strip of flourescent material about 1x6ft used to attract attention. Pack to stop other materials in the pouch from rattling."
Matches. Yeah, he's big on matches. "As many as possible in a waterproof container."
Brew kit. Here we see the English POV in a sentence that I've quoted many times: "There is nothing like a brew-up to restore morale! Pack tea powder and sachets of milk and sugar. Tea quenches the thirst--coffee aggravates it!"
Food. "Tubes of lard are available." Also, beef jerky & chocolate, and "salt MUST be included--better still, an electrolite powder which contains salt, vitamins, and other minerals that the body requires."
Survival bag. "A 7x2ft polythene bag is a lifesaver in the cold."
A knife. "REMEMBER You are only as sharp as your knife." He goes on for a page and a half about knives. He recommends 2, 1 with a wooden handle ("causes less blisters") to go in the pack, and a parang, a freakin' machete, to be worn on your belt.
So there's the professional's viewpoint. I assume that I'd have to add cat food & litter & a "cat harness," a leash for cats. KK would hate it at 1st, but when there was no gas to find for the car, we'd have to use it. I'd lose my home & everything in it before I'd lose her.
I'd also take a notebook & some pens, but I'd also take mementos to remind me of a world lost. Photos, though I only have a few. I'd prly take a few floppies of digital KK pics & the CDR this site is saved on. I might never get to see what's on them again, but at least they'd be with me.
I could go on & on about one of my favorite movies, "The Road Warrior," but I'll just touch on 1 aspect. Set after the collapse of civilization, Max, "a burnt-out shell of a man" since the deaths of his wife and baby, tries to survive. He's so emotionally dead that his only companion is a dog that he's refused to actually name. Throughout the movie, we see people holding on to little mementos from the past--Papagallo's hourglass, a barbarian with a half a pair of novelty dice (a pair of dice would be useful, in that you could shoot craps when you're bored, but only 1?), Humungous' gun in the fancy presentation case.
Early in the movie, Max finds a corpse. Clutched in its hands are the workings of a music box. In a great bit of acting by Mel Gibson, Max turns the handle on it. It plays "Happy Birthday." Max starts to slightly smile, remembering the times he's heard the song. Then the smile fades. He remembers that those birthdays are gone, and so are the people he loved. A look of infinite sadness crosses his face, before it turns cold again & unfeeling again. Then he puts the music box into his pocket. You'd think that he'd throw it away. But he still has the spark of humanity left in him, and the movie is about him recovering that.
It's also about lots of cars crashing!
Updates: "Egermency! Everyone to get from street!" is from "The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!"
Czechvar beer's weird slogan, "Only the name's been changed," exists because they were forced to change their name to be able to sell beer in this country. Their original name is "Budvar." Budweiser sued them, so they couldn't use it here. Budweiser stole their own name from Budvar in the 1st place! It's so cool to live in a country owned by giant corporations!
Also from Luna's LJ, "does anyone wanna marry me?"
On the subject of Rice-A-Roni's sodium, Star Chaser says "Only 45 percent? Try these..."