"Monkey, Monkey, in the tree
How your thoughts are calling me!
They speak of banana, fruit of fruits,
The speak of tummy gas that makes you 'toots.'
Primate mighty, vizier of the vernal scope,
Be a righteous dude and score me dope!"
--William Andrew Young, Poet Laureate of Yamsylvania


To continue yesterday's Bad Writing theme...

Pac Man, oh Pac Man, bereft of a Ms,
If I was you I'd sure be pissed!
Yellow orb of eating dots,
I bets even you wants sex alots!
But pray what would happen next?
Banging Ms Pac Man, who gots no necks?
Would your babes like the angels sing?
Or wouldst they rather a pipe you bring?
Pac Man, oh Pac Man, t'wouldst be so wack
If you but not spawned Babies on Pac Crack!

Great genius VENTURA, your nimble mind
Is at least as smart as your behind!
You met with the Dalai Lama, mild sage of Tibet.
(Are we smelling embarassment yet?)
You spoke all that was on your mind,
WHOA! That ate up 'bout 5 seconds time.
Most wouldst question with sublimest tact
But you said "Ever see Caddyshack?"

I'm not a poet, but at least I know it!

I don't think that I mentioned this site about another bizarre writer I found last year via Book Happy: Harry Stephen Keeler. "A man is found strangled to death in the middle of a lawn, yet there are no footprints other than his own. Police suspect the 'Flying Strangler-Baby,' a killer midget who disguises himself as a baby and stalks victims by helicopter." I must know 10 guys that damn midget's strangled from his chopper.
In the tradition of the Bulwer-Lytton "Dark & Stormy Night" competition, don't miss this hilarious Imitate Keeler Contest!

This is the Iffy Lube. I'm a cop. What's it to you, you fat lady eating hot dog?
The magazines at the Iffy Lube were so old, under a copy of Newsweek with picturs of the 60s on the cover, I found 1890's adventure novels. It was as exciting as a walk in the woods questionaire with no questions, just that same old cbs+survivor+nude+pic.
Then they walked out. Our new teammates on our quest to find the Holy Grail, the Ne Plus Ultra, Dubya's colostomy bag.
He was the famous urban legend outback steak house himself, adam splat coleco. Short & squat, dark & drab, cinco and joke and chevy, Adam was the radiation giant mutant of Weird Law Enforcement. He'd solved the birdseye +embezzlement case while I was in short pants. Metaphorically speaking, of course; even as a baby my mother dressed me in 3-piece suits. While everyone from the FBI to the NYPD blamed the Birdseye case on that goofy roof job, he proved that they were just a ronald mcdonald imperialist picture seeing 1111 everywhere--It was really done by hot dog rat feces. This cop was so slick, his badge gleamed with a penis cut sheen.
With him was a tall blonde, all curves & cheekbones & legs. She was like the women you see in play boy pictchers, a butterfly net graphic catch that you wouldn't bring home to mama--In fact, you wouldn't even let her sing the mother's day song from outback steak house, as she'd shock even the song.
But something about her set off my doppler viper radar severe--The insane glint in her eyes, 1 blue, 1 grey. I knew who she was: armegeddon cam, the crazed "psychic" bred through the gallop clone wars at gero vita labs. Brilliant. Unstable. Hooters. I mean, hoot--hoo--Who expected her? Well, that's what I MEANT.
Armageddon said "for how long dose a aa battery work?"
JADH stopped pressing the stapler against his temples long enough to say "Depends how many times you stick the taser up your nose! I go through 3 packs a day!"
She fixed that weird gaze of hers on him. "canadian 20 dollar bill keep scan joke jpg hot!"
Adam whipped out a pocket tape recorder. "She's channeling again! She's getting a psychic message from the future, where some day we'll all live!"
Her eyes rolled back into her head, but in different directions. 1 went up, 1 went down. And it was as gross as that sounds.
She shook like a fleet bank ads tv quicktime on a bad internet connection. Her long blond hair waved like in that amoco alien picture. I feared that she was having a seizure, but it's not like I don't see JADH do crap like this 10 times a day before lunch.
She went as rigid as an abba fake, then crumpled against the wall, gasping for air like she'd spent all day buying futon cover in nyc. I stared at her like she was nuts.
Adam grabbed her by the shoulders, & said "This is the only thing that works!" then screamed "rgis sucks!!" at the top of his lungs.
Slowly, she returned to reality. Her mismatched eyes grew wide. "big static electricity machine! van heusen blimp!!"
"Holy stealing lunch cartoon! I--I don't understand!" stammered Adam.
I looked at JADH. He looked at me. He pulled his tongue off from the wall, 1 staple at a time. "Buh BE dooh!" he said.
"Still got a staple in your tongue," I said. "What JADH said was--But WE do!"
Adam looked at me expectantly. Kinda made me feel good to know that 2 lowly beat cops knew more than even this hotshot. "Doctor Static, the Sane Scientist! HE'S the 1 we need to speak to! Our next stop is his secret lab in friskies new malden. Should've known that Van Heusen & his Blimp Squads would be messed up in this." I turned to Arma, who was still ashen-faced from her little episode. "I got you wrong, lady, & I admit it. I took you for a nutcase. Dr Static--It's so obvious now. The man who's found the lost socks in all of America's dryers. I owe you an apology."
Like dusty roses, the ashes in her cheeks blushed slightly. She leaned over to me, placed a delicate porcelain hand on my chest, & seductively whispered. "dung beetle park clean up company dog!"
Adam Splat Coleco said, "Uh, actually, she IS nuts."


I seem to be getting less crazy searches (at least, not enough to work them into a story), so I guess we'll be doing that on Thurs or Fri now.
Someone found the Ob via this bizarre search. Look at the results (I'm #1!) and you tell me what he wanted to find. I sure as hell can't.

You prly figured out that I was quite impressed by "Memento." For once, my not being able to effectively review a movie works in my favor, as there's little I can say without giving it all away. If you're unfamiliar with it (not surprising, as it's slowly working its way around the country in limited engagements), it starts with the ending & works its way back to the start. "I have this condition," main character Leonard says. And says & says--He took some brain damage when his wife was murdered, & can't form any new memories. Every half-hour or so, his memory resets to zero. He tattoos important information on his body, & writes copious notes to himself, like "Shave Right Thigh." "Sammy didn't have a system," he says of another guy with the same condition.
I wondered how you could run a movie backwards in time (every scene ends with the beginning of the previous scene) & still have a surprising climax. Believe me, they pull it off! It starts with Leonard killing someone, & you instantly get that it's not about who killed his wife, but if he's killing the guy who's really responsible.
It'll be hard to find, but I don't think that video tapes of it will be any easier to come by (it's a small production, & it really only needs 1 viewing). It's confusing, but deliberately so, cuz you're put in Leonard's POV, & he has to figure out what's going on twice an hour. A theater helps you focus, just like he has to.
Must-see, at any rate.

Vegard Valberg of Norway sent me this link: Big Bertha Nation. It's...interesting. Vegard says "Trust me this is the most clueless site around, I have no idea what this guy is trying to say, but he has been posting it monthly to various newsgroups." I read this ...whatever it is, for an hour, even downloading 1 of the giant .zip files, & it's clearly about Something Important. Clearly. What that Important Something is, I'm lost. 1 .zip had a picture of a rickshaw, which I'm sure is The Most Important Of All.

From Ribbit: Parents are suing someone over something retarded their kid did. Suing someone. Just "someone."

I haven't been given permission to link to this excellent work in progress, but I'm assuming that I CAN, but if I'm wrong I'm taking the link down right away, so read it while you can. It's on a subject dear to all our hearts, GONTERMAN! 1 2 3 4 5 Thanks, Jen White!! But thanks most of all to Yang, for making us laugh at life & love & stinky Gonterman again!


I've made repeated attempts to write something here over the last week, but every one has ended with me snarling at the screen & deleting my latest unreadable crap.
I'm in 1 of my "I hate the Web" phases again. Don't waste your time time looking here until, oh I dunno, Memorial Day. Maybe by then I'll be in a civil mood.


Well, I tell you people to go away, & you don't.

What you didn't see in that last post was the THREE times I added to it, nice & long, & Geoshitties ate it & spat it out each & every. NOT what I wanted to see when I'm debating the future of the InExOb ("future" as in--How soon does it end?). So everything, henceforth & forward, is being done in cheezy Notepad. I'll keep c'ing until Geo takes it, or until I just get so sick I give up.

And now some blogging.
You can open a School Board meeting with a Christian prayer cuz of Freedom of Religion, but "Freedom of Religion" only includes certain religions. Apparent crime: Praying loud enough for the Christians to hear?

Some of the people that Bush's heavily retarded "Faith Based Inititaves" crapola is getting resistance from are the right-wing Xtian religious nuts he thought would favor it. They can't use your tax money to convert people, & that's the whole reason they wanted it in the 1st place; &, if it ever happens, the Gummint has to give money to EVERY recognized religion--including the Hare Krishna, the Moonies, & even the hateful brain-washers of Scientology. Short Salon article on 1 of L. Ron's latest enemies: "I'm not a martyr; I just kick ass."

From Ribbit: "Attention, Connecticut Police! Semi-dangerous criminal has eluded our alert officers! The wily, cat-like subject somehow escaped Houdini-like using her ninja skills. She was last seen wearing leg shackles, & weighs 450lbs. Be aware, as subject may threaten our donuts."

If you people just read the null device, you wouldn't need me. The latest steals:
According to this, I'm 65% Internet Pure, 35% Corrupted. I have no idea what that even means.
A worshipper of Chthulhu in the Bush cabinet wants to end ALL taxation on corporations & pass the taxes onto consumers. "It would certainly make us more formidable if we had a simplification of this sort." That, & the human sacrificing.
And who, pray tell, is Bush giving $43M of your tax money to? The criminally insane, ultra-anti-American haters-of-everyone-not-exactly-like-them terrorists of the TALIBAN!
What happened to an all-black regiment stationed in Mississippi in 1943? 100s of them disappeared from Army payrolls despite never seeing combat. Unless they DID see combat--with armed rednecks & the US Army...

Ugh. I let the urls pile up for a coupla days, & they're all bad news. 1 thing I TRIED to post was the good news that InExOb Medal of Honor Winner Kirk Israel appears on this week's Slow Wave!
And there's a new Jen White Misting for you to read on the Sisto Page! No, I don't get a lot of the ReBoot refs either, but don't let that stop you.

Hokay, here goes--Let's see if this posts.


Ahh, you guys can read me like an ebook. I swear off the net for minutes at a time, don't I? In fact...here's the SHAWT!

I assume even you long-term readers have forgotten about that wonderfully white-trashy dude who used to come in the store with alarming frequency. This Legend of Our Time is the guy who:
Claimed he saw Cher nude back in the 70s in a rat-infested CT amusement park;
Tried to clean his girlfriend's aquarium by using bleach, ending up cleaning it of all the fish;
Cut off part of his thumb while making dinner drunk, so went to the emergency ward
...where he decided the line was too long, so he went to the liquor store (!!)
...where, after buying some 100 proof, got mad at the girlfriend, & took the bandage off his thumb & waved his arm around her car, spurting blood everywhere.
I'd forgotten, too.
Guess what! Months after his last appearance here (wherein he discussed his pending divorce at a very high level of decibels with words like "bitch!" & "cunt!" while nice old ladies looked very nervous), he came in today, pushing a grocery cart full of empty deposit cans. "HEY!" he shouted. "Do you know where Bill's Auto is in Tolland?" No, I mumble, putting away stock while thinking PLEASE DON'T TALK TO ME!
"It's a junkyard where I work now! The benefits are GREAT!"
As I'm thinking, No, don't tell me that you mean those depos--
He says "I found all these deposit cans in a junked car & they let me KEEP THEM!" He came up to the counter with his Natty Ice (note to Old School SHAWTers: it's the beer version of Bukoff), bragging about all the stuff he finds in junk cars that they let him KEEP! as part of their unbelievable benefit package. Tools! Motors! FOLDING GOLF CHAIRS!
I expected him to say "Yeah, & I found me a week-old Big Mac with only 2 bites from it! FREE LUNCH! And they let me sleep in an old junked van near the river where I can piss! And once, there was a corpse, & I got ALL the bastard's gold fillings!"
In a very odd sense...I'm glad he's back. I'm never glad when he's IN the store, but his overshares haven't the slightest glint of self-realization--He tells all these stories, never realizing that he's the butt of his own jokes.

I've gotten so out of the habit of SHAWTing that I forget to mention them when they occur. A few from previous days:

(points to bottle of margarita mix) "Does this have a flavor?" Would kinda ruin the point if it DIDN'T, wouldn't it?

The guy insisting that we'd "ALWAYS taken my college ID [with no birthdate] before!" wasn't as good as the guy that handed Jake a piece of cardboard with a cut-out picture taped to it, with Arizona information typed on it. Piece of CARDBOARD, TAPED picture, TYPED. His explanantion: "But I lost my Arizona ID! I can't drive all the way back there!"

I've been hearing radio ads at work for the Wethersfield Festival, something I've never heard of before. Like Jericho to the world, it's CT's oldest known town. Kinda sounded like an interesting thing to do on my 1st day of my upcoming vacation. Until I checked their site & saw that, nooo, it looked quite dull. Except for whatever the fuck THIS thing is. It looks like the Sanrio version of the Evil Venusian Radish-Monster from Roger Corman's "It Conquered The World," or the Sanrio version of something in Cthulhu's toilet.

How to Defeat GIJoe, based on a cartoon that I only watched for "product knowledge" back in my hateful Kay Bee Toys manager days. The pics are perfect, but the lines could be punched up a bit. My main memory of that cartoon was the episode I saw when Zartran's pink-punk-haired sister Zartranna or Zia Padora or whoever was backing towards the screen, & some bored & horny Korean animator gave her MAJOR plumber pants. I wonder how many current mid-20s guys have that memory as the 1st thing to which they furiously masturbated.


In retrospect, I'm sorry that as a jaded stoner teen I never followed the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon. Back in the day, Jerry stayed up all night, until he went sleep-crazy and started saying stuff like "Why am I a criminal? What we are doing here is great work. We've only had 557 days of peace in the last 17,000 years! Had they had telethons, we'd have peace, I'm sure!"
A WFMU DJ is, right now, attempting to break the world record of on-air-ness. "Am I still making sense?" he just asked, at 11PM Sat. "I could drop dead at any time." I think it started yesterday. When I first tuned in right here, he was claiming that he could make it through all of his old time slots, right through Weds morning. Thanks to WFMU champion Karl D' for telling me about this. He also says about Jonesy that "He may microsleep while songs play, but he might be so disorientated when he wakes he won't remember where he is. The fun will only build as Jones' hallucinations effect his broadcasting skills."


Jonesy beat the world record, & he's STILL on the air!

How did I spend my Memorial Day? Defrosted the fridge with a hammer, somehow giving myself a gaping wound on my finger that I didn't notice until I was dripping blood. Did my laundry, & was met by a weird woman. Everything I said she parrotted before moving on to her next question, as I moved away quickly:
"Where do you live?" "20C." "20C? A new neighbor!" "I've been here 14 years." "14 years?..."
"You attract crazy ladies of all ages," said Kitty. Yeah, lucky me.

This is therapeutic. Don't beat around the bush--Beat Bush!

File this 1 under "Canada, American Ignorance of." "In one interview, Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee congratulated Canada for preserving its national igloo, which Mercer told him was an icy replica of the U.S. Capitol in Washington."

1 more reason why Canadians are cooler than Americans.

Dueling Bra-Balls: "It's a monument to the average American woman who is so strong, and yet no one talks about that," Duffy said. "She is solid in a very dense way, the way the ball is."

I've never participated in any online game, but Star Wars Galaxies looks tempting. I guess I'd have to be a bounty hunter, as that's the most antisocial occupation that I can think of.

Almost inevitably, here's the Prison Bitch Name Generator.

The Douglas Coupland Dictionary. Never read any of his stuff, but this is amusing.

Reviews of comic strips. I've been following this 1 since, umm, either it began or when it started archiving old columns. Not always hilarious, but well worth a weekly look.


OK, Sense of Duty posting for you regulars, rather than anything worth reporting.

VACATION!! begins after 8 hours of work tmw. Little Killsy has no idea, of course, that the joy of Mommy Don't Leave For Long is coming. It'll be a joy for us both.
My plans for vacation? Nearly none. Find a state park closer than Wolf Den (hour round trip) but less bug-infested than Gay City becomes in later summer. I do finallllly plan on doing the Kill Kill page. My hope for Java pop-ups of her pics prly won't happen (look at the old fridge magnet Ob to see how incompetently my last attempt came out); it'll most likely be clickable thumbnails.

From the null device: Short review of N. Gaiman's new book will interest you "Gaiman is God" people (all I've read is "Good Omens," a collaboration), but I'm sure as hell looking forward to Ask Alex Chiu!

I don't just hate cooking, I hate FOOD. When are those damned Jetsons food pills going to be invented, anyway? But eat I must, so I stopped at the only fast food place where I can actually consume the products, Roy Rogers. And I can put my OWN condiments on the damn burgers! Who the hell at those Inedible Places (Ronald, Burger King, I'm looking at YOU) decided that the STANDARD was ketchup AND mustard AND pickles, but NO LETTUCE?! (Of course, Wendy's puts MAYO on their burgers--hey, howza bout a big slice-o-LARD, too?) (Am I digressing? I think I'm digressing here)
At any rate, Roy Rogers, I'm in line, & a really old, stooped man stands behind me. RIGHT behind me, close enough that I can feel his breath on my ponytail. I can see his reflection in a plastic-covered poster to my side. He's rightontopofme. Like ugly on an ape, as they say. Creepy. So I take a step forward. He, of course, takes a step forward. I take another step. So does he. He could bump his nose on my shoulderblades if he were but an inch closer. Personal Space VIOLATION! I take another step forward, and so does he again! OLD MAN, PONY TAIL, BREATHING ON.
So I take the opposite strategy. I step backwards. He stumble-steps backwards, though he's still almost getting a piggyback ride from me. When the couple in front me gets their food, I step backwards again. Almost into him. I get my food, get my personally-chosen condiments, & look at him as I leave.
He looks exactly like Bloated Gas Pain Man! I guess I was lucky to be in front of him after all!

Burger King. Anyone else old enough to remember when they went head-to-head with Ronald with the kiddie character "Burger King"? He had magic powers, & the LAMEST collection of supporting characters. Why McD's would have their shakes pushed by Grimace, a huge fat slob with brain damage & purple skin that aped severe blood pressure symptoms, I dunno. But BK's answer was "Sir Shakes." He HAD the shakes. Uncontrollable shakes, like a Grand Mal seizure. He was...disturbing. He didn't last long as a corporate mascot, either. Maybe he developed Tourette's, & started screaming "I SHIT IN YOUR BURGERS!"

Drive-Thru has a couple of good links on the dumb movie Pearl Harbor, & the dumber reactions to this piece of hi-budget Hollywood schlock. This woman, with the awful hair & glasses, equates WWII as being on par with Japanese tourists being rude to her, & this guy's just nauseating. "A few years ago, at Gallagher's, I walked into a party thrown by Sony. The joint was packed with Japanese gentlemen. The date was Dec. 7. I made room for myself at the bar and said to all in earshot: 'No, no. You're not celebrating Pearl Harbor!' They were shocked, it hadn't occurred to them. The way they looked, if they had swords they would have fallen on them." Hey, fuckface, if you went into a Tokyo sushi bar on August 6th, would the word "Hiroshima" occur to you? Did those Sony workers personally attack Pearl Harbor? Did their grandparents? At least THEY were embarassed; if I'd been in your bar that night, I would've thrown you on a sword.
Of course, these are both from the NY tabloids, which are 1 step up from the Enquirer as reading material, & 2 steps up from used toilet paper. And Mitch at Drive-Thru makes the accurate point that anytime someone says "I'm not politically correct," what they really mean is "I'm unapologetically rascist."

MAN was I excited when I saw an InExOb referrer link from the Shonen Knife home page! (Uh-oh! Does that make me a Politically Correct Anti-American lover of the Dirty Japs??) But it just turned out to be 1 of those weird things my counter does, like the time I got a referral from an Australian online newspaper, & it was the same link I'd just sent KMDS on a Nick Cave article. He'd read that, then looked at my page, & I got a referral hit. I doan geddit.

I love Tom the Dancing Bug, but never more than when Mr Bolling does another Super Fun Pak Comix! I love Zippy the Pinhead, but never more than when Mr Griffith does another CT-specific ref! (Note: that link will vanish on Monday)

Sense of Duty or not--This 1 came out kinda good, I think.


At 7:51 at work, Dan said "9 more minutes till closing! You've got as many minutes left of work as you have DAYS of vacation!"

Good news! 1 of my fave pages, Jet Wolf's OSB, may be ENDING! It prly says something, or a lot, about my current opinion of the InExOb that I'd cheer that. Nothing wrong with getting a life, you know. And leaving the South. Not that I've been there more than a visit to Disney World. Once KMDS was talking about how he'd like to leave New England for a place where it's summer all year long, but "In the South you have to deal with hurricanes & tornados & shit." "Yeah," I said. "And Southerners."

I didn't even know that Jet & Mimi are doing a a comic strip based on their late-80s adolescences. Hilarious? No. Beautifully drawn, with true-to-life characters? Yep!

I backtracked another InExOb link. A worthy task sometimes, as that's how I found the null device, Drive-Thru, & Ribbit! This time it led to liquidgnome. The comments are funnier than the links! A new daily read for me.

Roger Ebert comparing the WWII Memorial crammed through Congress with "Pearl Harbor": "As the memorial is to the Mall, the movie is to Pearl Harbor--a garish, expensive, tasteless exercise appealing to the lowest common denominator."

The background story behind the MST3K classic, "Manos, The Hands of Fate": "'We had a spring-wound 16-millimeter Bell & Howell,' said Bob. 'Now, the maximum wind of the Bell & Howell was 32 seconds, so that was the maximum length of any shot.'
...which explains away one of the film's first mysteries: why a lengthy driving montage is patched together from a series of choppy takes."
The HTML has page breaks in the middle of sentences--Maybe it was done by Torgo.

StarChaser on yesterday's rant: "Not everybody who says 'I'm not politically correct' is a racist. I am neither. I dislike 'hyphen-Americans', people who are proud of 'being from' a country they've never seen and would hate if they were there. I don't dislike black people or any of the others just because they're black. I don't dislike handicapped people because they're handicapped, but I hate someone insisting that I say 'handicapable' or worse, 'differently enabled'. That's just stupid."
Good points all. What I SHOULD have said was "CONSERVATIVES who say they're not PC..." That seems to be their latest excuse/justification for rascism. I actually predicted that years ago--anytime the pendulum swings too far to 1 side, it swings back to the opposite even harder. And as to my personal PCness, I'm a guy who uses the word "retard" with astonishing frequency...

I remember a customer a month ago asking me "What's your nationality?"
"No, where're your PARENTS from?"
(getting annoyed) "I mean, where are your ANCESTORS from?!"
I gave up & said "Scotland & Ireland," but I wish I'd thought quick enough to say "The African savannah, about 4 million years ago." Or "The Big Bang, along with everything else."
Wait, I evolved from the mammal-like reptiles of the Late Permian Era! I'm a Synapsid-American!


Vacation is vacation, even if so far it's nothing spectacular. I didn't have any plans for yesterday, but I did today--this year's 1st visit to Wolf Den State Park. The forecast said "Mostly Cloudy," & I guess that if it's 98% overcast, the sky mostly has clouds in it. A bit cool, a strong wind, & the fact that the place was a mudpile after all the recent rain ended that visit. It takes 35 minutes to get there, & I was back in the car after 20. Bummer. I went to a nearby antique store that's been good to me in the past (it's where I found Sodomy the Lawn Gnome), but it wasn't good to me today. There was an old Golden Book featuring Dick Tracy. Not the comic strip, but the embarassing 1962 TV cartoon. It was beyond belief when they actually resurrected this crap back when Warren Beatty's Dick Tracy movie came out a decade ago. The book totally aped the cartoon--Tracy is on the cover, but only on the very 1st & last pages. This was the same as the cartoon, which took limited animation to new depths. Know how Hanna-Barbera gave all their animals collars & ties but no shirts? That was so they didn't have to draw a new body in every frame, just the head. In this thing, they had Tracy talking into his 2-Way Wrist Radio, which he held up over his mouth so that they didn't even have to draw his lips moving! And he only appeared in his own cartoon at the very beginning & end. Otherwise, he just gave assignments to his "comical" teammates. Talk about un-PC! 1 was Go-Go Gomez, a sombreroed, idiot-grinning Mexican with an outrageous "Si senor" accent; another was Joe Jitsu, a buck-toothed, glasses-wearing Dirty Jap. I mean that; he was drawn in that rascist WWII style & of course said "Ah so!" & "So solly!" a lot. Why anybody thought that this would air in the 90s without protest is beyond me.

There was an addition to this week's Non-Ob--an InExLink, which is here if you missed it. It came courtesy of Patrick in France. That links to his blog, which is written in amusingly fractured English (which is still better than my French, of course!). I'm already in double-debt to him for introducing me to Scurvy Boy. Sounds like a groupie for the Lime Girls, but the guy is so funny. I've only just started paging through his archives. So far, this is the funniest, but I'll bet that I think that only cuz I haven't read that far.

The whole Nepal massacre thing keeps getting weirder...
...Good thing Christians are so normal...
...and their governments so enlightened!

Back in the very 1st New, I screamed "DERMABRASION! The big bucks medical practice of 2017!" Guess I was wrong.

I got a referrer hit from this page. Funny if just for the url!

I went to Oberlin College, the most liberal place on Earth. I loved it; it was the exact opposite of high school: Intellectuals were the norm, & the jocks were the losers. And I do mean LOSERS. I remember the 1 football game I went to. A player in the end zone, with no other player near him, took a step forward & immediately fell on his ass. I only went to see the marching band, which included several of my friends. Those from the Conservatory played classical instruments, while the rest of them played...less conventional ones. My roomie Andy asked me what he should play, & I suggested a toy machine gun from the local Ben Franklin.
The 1st song they played at half-time: The National Anthem. Of Indonesia. 2nd: "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the then-nearly-unknown Ramones. 3rd: Beethoven's 5th. It was absolutely hysterical at this point, as this was when you realized that every song was a raucous, off-key version of the Indonesian National Anthem...
Andy's 1st dorm was Zechiel, the Jock Dorm. He ended up there as it was the only place with an opening left. It was also the only place where you could get your wallet stolen (as happened to me). My best buddy Becky Mendez glued a big piece of brown paper to the wall of our floor of our dorm Barrows for us to scribble on. Cartoonist Bill did many funny drawings, including 1 of a slope-skulled caveman named "Zekanthropus" after Zechiel's "Zekes." It lasted a day before someone kicked it off the wall.
I was lucky. Someone made a joke in Oberlin's school paper this year, & got the shit kicked out of him by Zekes. The jocks were mad that they were portrayed as violent buffoons, & this was their way of proving they weren't. And they almost got away with it!!

"does someone already sell bums on ebay?" asked Jeremy.
"Fuck you." I said.
"How about cellular phone covers garfield the cat? I've got like ten."
"You're a regular talking kermit doll today, you know that? Shut the fuck up; I'm trying to concentrate here."
"Hey, some of us have ambition. Some of us know how to make some extra cash online. Remember how much I got for my war angel picturs, or those nerf gun replacement parts?"

I turned, looked him dead in the eyes, then emptied a dozen rounds from my TEC-9 directly into his chest.

Jeremy flailed backwards and crashed to the ground. He moaned painfully, "You...bastard...This is my favorite shirt!" He stood up. "Look at it! Bullet holes! Those never come out!"
"So go to the back of the blimp and get a new one." I said. That's 1 of the perks in working for Van Heusen. Free clothes.
Of course, that's also 1 of the perks at McDonalds.

"This was my lucky shirt, you asshole! A new 1 won't...UNGH!" He grunted, & flexed his chest. "...Won't...UNGH...be the same--ARRGH!"

12 bullets popped out of his chest to rattle on the blimp's floor. He opened his ruined shirt. "Look at my chest! It's gonna be all purple tomorrow!"

That's another perk--the bulletproof skin. A kind of breathable Kevlar-polymer weave. I could give you the details, but remembering the time I had my entire skin replaced isn't 1 of my favorites. Hurts like hell, all over, for months. Pays for itself the 1st time you get shot, though. "I DID tell you to shut up about your damn eBay career."

"That's not worth shooting me right in my best shirt over!" Jeremy stomped angrily to the Shirt Cargo Hold in the back of the VHB (Van Heusen Blimp) homer drool picture.
One thing that's not a perk is that Van Heusen lets his 6-year-old grandson name the blimps.

The VHB Homer Drool Picture was our top of the line model. So hi-tech that it sounds like something out of a bad time travel movie. Fucker can lift a million pounds of weight, & that lets us pack it with state of the art stealth tech. Liquid crystal mylar surface that disperses light, making us literally invisible to the eye; advanced ECM devices that make us nonexistant to radar; a frame of wiring that jams our communications to everyone but us.
It also crashes when it gets windy. Hell, it's a blimp. This futurama giant flies at a top speed of 65MPH. It crashes slow. Last time we crashed, I had time to finish my lunch of marlboro roundup contest chili made from recipes joy philbin peaches before parachuting away.

Right now we were 10,000 feet above city of malden towing, a garage not far from sheme restaurant. Close to the laboratory. The lab of Dr Static, the Sane Scientist.
Word was that some cops were on our tail. Beat 'em to the punch, we thought. A blimp squad is more powerful than even a turkish shaving men pubic army. And that's damn powerful. We make them look like an army of linda blair on conan o'brian show wearing miniskirts boots, sneaker gay converses, & a sexy chicken costume.

"HEY!" yelled Jeremy from behind me. I turned & was shot in the head.

"OW! ASSHOLE!" I yelled.
"die yuppie scum!" he laughed. "That's what you get for wrecking my shirt!"
"Yeah, but the FACE?! No one can see your chest! You know that I bruise like a grape! I oughtta beat you till your working snot ids snort! And you know, that new shirt? Totally looks like you're wearing an undercover fat suit!"
He looked at himself in the parakeet training mirror. "Does not. I look as hot as a men at work estevez photo."
"Fuck you," I said for the 100th time today. "Stop acting like you just got a hand job +connecticut! We've got some cops to kill."
"Yeah, big deal. Like killing's something unusual for us. It's our damn day job." I reloaded my TEC-9 while he yakked. "But it won't be my day job for long if I keep getting the money I'm getting from eBay! You wouldn't believe how much I got for those pics of girl who pooped her shorts!"
"With the weird shit that people search for? Yes I would, Jeremy, yes I would."

We parachuted from the blimp. Dr Static's lab lay below us. A cop car was parked in front...
I like it when things work out this easy.


Hey, there's 41K here! Sometime in the last month Geocities removed their 30K cap on text files. What the cap is now, I dunno. I think I'll keep the News around 50K, which should load quickly enough. 30K? How'd they hit on that number?

Karl asked me if I'd like to come up to Boston to see an art exhibit "that depicts magic mushrooms and some things that cross between cute anime stylistics and John Carpenter's The Thing."
I told him that I had to pass, as the only reason I was able to find my way to Boston the last time I went was cuz I brought a native guide. And I STILL got lost!
Perfect example of my inability to remain unlost came just today. How many times have I hiked in Gay City this year? I still took a wrong turn on my standard path. Ahh, but I knew where it would come out--by the gas line. Sure enough, I was right. But apparently there's more than 1 gas line, as I was out of the park & into a meadow with giant electrical towers. I eventually ended up in Zone N1. That's what the sign said on the 8-foot-tall chain link fence, topped with barbed wire. On the other side a van with tinted windows was parked. I decided it would be better to not uncover Blofeld's secret base & followed the path back.
Hey, wait, I've got more than 30K to play with here--I don't have to type "cuz" for "because" anymore!

From Kirk Israel's page, here's a fascinating (though long) look at a Christian minister who was formerly a drug-addicted Satanist funded by the Illuminati. Actually, he lied about that. He lied about every single thing in his life, in fact, and got away with it. For 25 years!

Here's another with his own take on reality, on how George Washington wasn't the 1st President: "When Pahys was asked why Washington was promoted over Hanson, he had an answer.
'It's all money,' he said, rubbing his fingers together, as though feeling dollar bills. 'They all got paid off.'"

Another tears-in-the-eyes-funny article from Gail at CBR! If you haven't been following the sporadic saga of Fern & Brendan, it's only slightly funnier if you have, so go to it! And WHY CAN'T I BE THIS FUNNY?!

Here's an interesting post to the Psychoceramics ML. He's from the Russian Federation, so excuse the less-than-perfect English (which is still heads above the grammar & spelling in your average American chat room)

I'm a new member of Psychoceramics list and want to tell you about the New
Chronology Group in Russia. Maybe, you haven't heard about it.
                              NEW CHRONOLOGY
                                        "What has hit is history,
                                        And what is mist is mystery"
Anatoly Fomenko, a Doctor of Math, an Academician of the Russian Academy of
Sciences, winner of a number of the State Prizes has his own view on history.
History is forged, he thinks.
1. Fomenko's predecessor
Russian revolutionist of nationalist trend (populists movement) Nikolay
Morosov (1854-1946) served a long time (1882-1905) in prison after a number of
murderous assaults on Alexander II. In prison he had enough time to think
about history. He stated, there was no ancient world of Rome and Greece:
Ceasars and Demosphens were thought out by the monks (during what we call the
Middle Ages). In short, in Morosov's opinion the monks had a litterature game.
Like J.R.R. Tolkien. Because it's really very strange to imagine that the
Roman grandeur turned into ruins, and was succeded by the hordes, retarded
from Rome in their development for a thousand years. (Another crackpot theory
to explain this is that usage of plumbum water-pipes in Rome made the
population degenerate). In the Stalin's Russia Morosov was made an Academician
2.Math and narrative sources
Fomenko began with a content-analysis of the narrative sources. For example,
comparing lists of periods of reign of Russian czars, Bysantine emprors, Roman
emperors and Jewish kings in the Bible, he found they are very similar. I
haven't this Fomenko's table at hand right now, but it looks like:

Russian Czar n 1 reigned 4 years           Roman Emperor n 1 reigned 5 years
Czar n 2 reigned 16 years                       Emperor n 2 reigned 16 years
Czar n 3 reigned 1 year                             Emperor n 3 reigned 1 year
Czar n 4 reigned 10 years                          Emperor n 4 reigned 9 years

...And such successions are very long. Fomenko says persons from the row 1 are
the same as in the row 2. Basing on such data and on the idea of permanent
progress of technologies, Fomenko says, some events in history have been
described 2 or more times.
For example, in his opinion, Jesus is Pope Gregory VII, Dante is Vergil's
contemporary... That's why events, having 1000 years between them, are so
similar... Yes, in Famenko's opinion, history of 18, 19 and 20 century isright.
3. Why
History was written in the Middle Ages. The chronology was written by Skaliger
and Petavius in XVI century. Later scientists ascribed all their finds to this
chronology scale. All the events are real, but the scale is wrong. For
example, the ancient Rome and Greece are described at least twice - first, as
Rome&Greece, and second, as Europe in the late Middle Ages and in the
Renaissance.Why is history forged? There are 2 possibilities:
1. For political purposes (now we see how history manuals of the Republics of
the former USSR are re-written),
2. Because of misunderstandings. For example, Arab kalifs had names meant "the
righteos" (ar-Rashid), "the victorous" (an-Nasir) and so on. When one reads a
chronicle - in Fomenko's opinion - one can traslate something like: "The
victorous prince conquered the lands of the just prince and killed him in the
battle at the waterfall city". In translation to Greek the names can change to
Nicephorus (victorous) and Justinian (just), and the name of the city would
change... Well, this example I have fabricated right now to explain the idea,
but still such misunderstandings are possible.
4. Some of Fomenko's descoveries I like most
Yes, they are really interesting and nobody has paid attention to them before.
Maybe, Fomenko's explanations are strange, but who has other explanations?
1. Look at the pictures with the Magi coming to Bythleem. Usually one of them
is depicted as a woman. Fomenko thinks she is Russian princess Olga, the
grand-mother of Vladimir, who christianized Russia (IX century AD).
2. In some medieval Vienna maps St Stephan cathedral has a crescent instead of
a cross. Fomenko thinks, Islam and Christianity was the same till XVI century.
4. It's known, reading the Bible was banned for the laymen in the Middle Ages.
Fomenko says, the ban was invented later, to explain why people didn't read
it. He thinks, the Bible was completed in the 16 century and some passages in
it describe Russian history.
5. In a map in Encyclopaedia Britannica, published in 1771, Russia is divided
into two parts: Russia with the capital in St Petersburg and Tartaria
Moscovita with the capital in Tobolsk (Syberia). Tartaria is the largest
country of the world, according to Britannica. Russia is very small. In
Fomenko's opinion, about 1775 Tartaria was conquered by the Russian czars of
Western origin, and lost its territories in America. Well, he says, US fought
not with the UK or Indians, but with Tartaria. After Tartaria's fall, US
declared its independence.
6. In St Petersburg there is a granite sphinx from Egypt. The other sphinges,
left in Egypt are in rather worse condition, than this. Fomenko's scool claims
it has better polishing and was created in XVIII century AD...
Also, it's known in Germany there are many houses said to be more than 500
years old. And they are collapsing now. In the same time, the houses built in
the 19 century, when the tech scills were higher are in the same conditions.
Fomenko says, the dates are false. There is no buildings older than 500 years.
7. Fomenko critisizes radio-nuclyd way of dating the occurences and other
methods. He, being a mathematician, knows physics better than me, so I won't
explain, how he does it. Also he claims that Al-Magest catalogue ascribed to
Ptolemeus (II century AD) was created not earlier XII century, because
positions of the stars change. Well, astronomy is very close to math and I
cannot explain it also. :)
5. My conclusion
Fomenko's books on History are best-sellers in Russia nowdays. Some of them
even print in official Universty's or Academy's publishing houses. There is an
opinion, President Putin wants to make Fomenko's theory an official version of
history. I don't think so, because Putin isn't Napoleon.
I like Fomenko's books. Why? Well, first of all, he asks pretty questions.
Second: no matter how crackpot it seems, history begins changing into a
science with its laws and formulas.
Third, I think his theory is very useful for Russian democracy, because
it hampers the attempts to make Russian history the basis of ideology of a
certain kind, of Russian chauvinism/imperialism.
People who study Russian history in Russia - what political views do they
have, you think? Usually, anti-Western, nationalist, even anti-semitic, they
trust in the World's conspiracy against Russia and have a deep passion to the
Military Forces. University entrants with other views choose a different
department. Such crazy theories as Fomenko's hamper using history for
chauvinist propaganda.

PS. If somebody is interested, I can tell more about this and answer
questions, though not at once, because now I'm trying hard to earn money :)

Rashid Alimov, student of Oriental history, StPetersburg Uni
(Republican Dalek from Wisconsin voice) "DeConTamInAte! DE-CON-TAM-IN-AAATE!!"


Now we're past 50K. I think I'm going to keep writing here until I hit 75K. Now I'm just curious as to how long Geo'll let a file run. Within reason, of course. I'll stop at 100K max.

Drop an H-bomb on your house. I used my condo as ground zero, & both locations of my employers in the next town were damaged. Not vaporized like I was, but the fallout map showed that they'd be dead within hours anyway. I dropped 25 megatons on the central CT city of New Britain, & it basically flattened the whole state.

I hope whoever donated that old oil painting to the Goodwill never reads this article...

Ebert on the Quote-Whores. I'm surprised that he doesn't mention how he himself was quoted for "Little Nicky": "It's the best film Adam Sandler's done so far...!" I read that review, & the rest of the sentence was "...but WHY does he always insult the audience's intelligence?!" He also admitted that "the best film Sandler's done" isn't really a compliment.

My list of things to do on vacation hasn't gotten any shorter. The KK page remains unstarted, the long email I got from Lilly is unanswered, there's no new HD in the Pookie, & even the dishes haven't been done. My hope to find a state park less buggy than Gay City, but closer than Wolf Den, that I did do. And there isn't 1. And so if it seems like the only thing I'm writing about is trips to the woods--Well, that basically IS all I've been doing.

The 3 weeks of almost unending rain we had thankfully chose to end late Sunday night, as the vacation started. But the bug season was sent into hyperdrive; yesterday in the woods, there were a few. Today I must've killed 20 of this same damn fly. I don't know what it wanted from me--instead of biting, it just flew right in front of my nose. Then I clap my hands, flick its corpse away, & a minute later there's another. Nice life cycle you got there, fly.
I went exploring at Gay City today, taking the wrong turn I couldn't pursue yesterday (The only day of my vacation with a time frame, & that's when I get lost...). I really didn't want to explore the Mystery of Zone N1, as Cobra Commander might be hiding in there & shoot me with lasers that always miss, so I went the opposite direction. The gas line I found yesterday ran parallel to the meadow with the powerlines, & the powerlines had a long & barely used dirt road alongside them. I figured that there was a way across the narrow band of woods between the 2. I was right, but it wasn't that narrow. Maybe I still was in the park? A hawk cried as I was let out by the powerlines, which audibly crackled & buzzed a 100 feet above me like they were something from Dr Static's lab. I saw a pile of white objects that looked like seashells. All the trails have periodic snake holes, and these were snake eggs. Did they all hatch? Uhh, they'd prly hatch inside the hole then, wouldn't they? And be busted from the inside, not smashed in from the outside. Do hawks eat snake eggs? Most likely crows. I'd take a snake nest over crows, as it's not like you see snakes flying over your car & pooping while skreeking CAW CAW! Crows are loud & stupid & greedy & thus too much like humans for me to like them.
The path under the electrical towers led to more woods--In fact, I think that it led to a whole new park. Whispered in the mists of legend (& also on the map at the park) was a Blue Trail to another park. I'd never found it by following the Blue Trail, & that was because (NOT cuz!) it was a different Blue Trail. It led past a pond to a busy road. I got across without dying (obviously) & found a metal, padlocked gate bordered with barbed wire. Zone M1, perhaps? I could easily step over a low part of the fence. There was no "Private Property" sign, but if it was just that, well, there's nothing that I respect more than privacy. I found an alternate way in. But it was a "park" in the grassy lawn sense, which is boring. I found a 10-foot manmade waterfall on the way back, then a natural 1, 25 feet high. No Niagara's worth of water, but still very beautiful.
I followed the trail up to the point where it forked in 1 direction, with the other marked with a "CT DEP LAND Pesticide Testing Area" sign with "no trespassing" handwritten on it. OK, this ISN'T personal property, it's State Land, which, as a taxpayer, means I OWN it. The "no trespassing" part is for people from other states. Actually, I wanted to see if this was the connector to the other Blue Trail, which also ends with that sign.
I came out near Zone N1.
So that's what it's for! I'd noticed yesterday some odd piles of dried-up husks of something, & 1 pile of something that looked like rotting fruit, right in the middle of the trail. But who'd dump a few pounds of fruit in the middle of nowhere? The DEP testing its pesticides, that's who. Testing them right next to a state park. That has a beach for swimming.

Well, their damn pesticides sure didn't work on the damn flies in the woods back. I think that tomorrow will be my last visit to GC till Fall. I plan to lather up with Off! & take the Grand Tour, my regular path & this new loop to the waterfalls. Should take over 3 hours, unless I bail early from the bugs.


Since I was only attacked by bugs in 1 small part of the park, maybe I killed the rest yesterday.

For Kitty, what Diet Coke looks like in Japan. Ummm...Like Diet Coke in the USA. Check out some of the others--Buzz, Qoo, Love Body, Water Salad (?), Georgia (coffee soda!), & Cal-King. I wish there was a better pic of that 1. It looks like a little kid with a crown & a cape.

Along with the comedy in this week's Funny Paper is this bizarre bit about the just-deceased creator of Dennis the Menace, prly the blandest strip this side of Family Circus:

    It started as obviously as we could have imagined: Mrs. Ketcham stormed in on would-be gag man Mr. K. one day in 1950, announcing that their irrepressible 4-year-old, Dennis, had trashed his bedroom. "Your son," she said, "is a menace." Bingo. A half-century of material from one ruined naptime. Hank never needed to leave the house again.

    Except he did leave the house. As the strip stayed in that domestic moment--pipe-smoking Dad (who looked just like Ketcham), pretty young Mom, five-and-a-half-year-old Dennis--with that perfect hep mid-'50s linework, Ketcham's real life beggared the bleakest existential fiction. While Alice Mitchell cheerfully cooked and mopped up after her boy, Alice Ketcham separated from her husband and died of a drug overdose in 1959. The Ketchams retreated to Switzerland. When the real Dennis, grown out of his overalls, struggled with his lessons, Ketcham shipped him off to boarding school in the States. The cartoonist stayed in exile for 20 years, studying the Sears catalog to see what the changing America looked like--and, according to The New York Times, accepting a CIA commission to spy on the Soviets during a cultural-exchange visit. We are not making this up.

    Nor this: Dennis went to 'Nam with the Marines. He came back with post-traumatic stress disorder, and was estranged from his father. "He's living in the East somewhere doing his own thing," the Times quoted Ketcham as saying. "That's just a chapter that was a short one that closed, which unfortunately happens in some families."

The Human Race(TM): Now In Our 50,000th Year of Causing Mass Extinctions!

The Happiest Place on Earth is sued into giving the guys in the Mickey suits clean underwear. "Some workers had complained about getting pubic lice and scabies." I guess that DisneyWorld has more characters than Sebastian that're crabs!

Nando.com is noted more for its terseness than anything; here's an uncharacteristic story via AP about a collector of 78s: "His wife is gone. By most standards, he's alone. But in his basement, folks long dead are singing...Here, yesterday is not past and gone. It's loudly, vibrantly alive. Everything's Okeh."


HA! Almost all my regular blog reads had the Disney Soiled Undies link today, when *I* had it YESTERDAY!
Big Whoop. I don't even consider this a blog, just recommended reading for the handfull that visit here daily.

They all beat me to today's long-awaited Alex Chiu slashdot interview (hey, I was asleep in bed). Quite tame really, except at the end when he starts yelling about China. Earlier, a guy tears him a new 1 over Alex's "science" & he chooses to say virtually nothing.
Ah, but as a longtime Chiu Affiliate (owner of TWO sets of Eternal Life, foot AND ring), Alex let me know about this:
"my new forum where you can chat about science, philosophy,and religion." Now THIS is prime Chui-ocity! Someone says "I would like to believe, but unfortunately, I am a scientists and therefore I disallow myself to believe in such 'miracles'." & Alex hits him with the force he held back in slashdot:

"You are a scientist? You sound more like a walking dictionary to me. You believe in what has already been accomplished. You believe in TV, in nuclear bomb, in radio, and light bulb. But for some reason, physical immortality is something you cannot believe. Why? I wonder......

Maybe because this immortality ring is a new invention. That's why you cannot accept it. You are not a scientist. You are more of a walking dictionary. A copy cat. You cannot invent. You can only wait until white folks come up with some incredible invention to open up your eyes first. Then you copy their technology and improve the existing technology. Like the Japanese. They're so proud of making good cars. But they fail to realize that they didn't invent the cars. The Germans did. Without all these shocking technologies from the western society, Japanese would still be carrying samurai swords. They be spending time improving their sword blades. I am not a person who can be proud just because I copied from other people. I go out there to invent what I want. I invent what is not currently existing. So who is the real scientist here? You or me? Thank God you don't represent all asians."

There's also the poster that goes on very little about the Immortality Device, but lathers over Dubya & "subliminals" that you can see if you watch MTV with the sound off.

From someone who was involved in the retail end of video games for quite a while (1983-87; 90-97), this history of video games is interesting. Pong! Imagic! The 5200! The 3DO! Game Genie! Virutal Boy! HA HA HA, Virtual Boy!! Joe Lieberman's stupid rating stickers that we had to stick on all our games! I put the "17+" sticker on an Olsen Twins video as a joke, & a Concerned Parent questioned me if this was suitable for her kids...

You Get To Burning. Kitty is an amazing writer.

My favorite Lieberman quote from the campaign (BTW--I've never liked that guy) Is "Freedom of religion does not mean freedom from religion!"
Of course it does! That's why shit like this happens in Ameriduh more than you'd think: "One of Rev. Bill's favorite stories from this period is about how he tried to help an acquaintance kick a heroin habit. He secretly filled the junkie's syringe with battery acid and then warned him not to shoot up. The junkie did anyway and died. Former SRF members say Rev. Bill told them the death illustrated the mercy and judgment of God--as well as that of Rev. Bill himself."


Hey, you can't say that I didn't warn you.


This is funny. Wow, huge archive too...Guess I should check the rest out.

Back to work tmw, BAH. An extra BAH for the fact I spend the whole week in The Big Store. Why, what'd I do?? (the last time this happened, I got demoted to the tune of a $100 a week paycut--Why? I put a bottle of wine in the wrong spot. No, I'm not exaggerating) I hope that A) it's nothing to worry about; & B) temporary! (the demotion lasted a whole 2 weeks--but it did have a big hand in launching that ill-starred Internet Romance of mine) I'm sure no one who works in that store is upset about me being there, as I'm being replaced in The Small Store by The Asshole. I've yet to meet a single person in the 3 years I've been there that hasn't hated the guy. Not "disliked," HATED. He's a total loser but thinks he's the kewlest thing ever (lived with his mom till age 30; walked to work for years because he destroyed his car by never changing the oil, then never fixed it), is sure that he's smarter than everybody in the world (dropped out of high school in 9th grade, never got a GED), lazy (tells everyone else to do his work for him while he leans on boxes), & stinky. Literally. He's an alcoholic (takes a beer & 2 nips of tequila for the 5 minute drive home; once brought beer to drink on the way to a wine tasting), so he has that side effect of heavy drinking, chronic diarrhea. he's in the bathroom 4-6 times in an 8-hour shift. In fact, last Saturday someone had to cover the Small Store because he SHIT HIS PANTS. And this is the guy they're trusting with a million dollar business.
Oh yeah, I saw the security tape & he also steals booze to hide his alcoholism.
Another thing that sucks about this is that instead of the easily-ignored oldies station, I'll have to listen to Lite 100.5, the All-Bolton/Dion/Joel/Stewart/Crap station. Here's an article on a very similiarly-formatted station. Worth it just for the Carol Lay illustration.

A rather extreme solution to global warming--altering the Earth's orbit around the Sun. Sure, there are risks: It might "sterilise the biosphere most effectively, at least to the level of bacteria." But it's worth it if it still lets us drive SUVs!

I hit up a few tag sales over the weekend. The only thing I bought was a '50s Mexican Cha Cha LP. Now THIS is a record cover! Outside of the words "Cha Cha Cha," this is the whole cover.
I also bought 3 LPs & a 45 at the SalvArmy--nothing that'd excite you; they were ones my parents owned back in the 60s that I beat to death as a kid, & here they were, in perfect shape. Total cost, with tax: 68 cents. As if the deal wasn't sweet enough, I was told to take a free stuffed animal with my purchase. I found--COOKIE PUSS! You're either now blinking "Huh?" or going "AAAHHH!! The horrible voice & gargoyle-like face of TOM CARVEL! FUDGIE THE WHALE!! That stupid Santa with the forked hat, that was simply Fudgie the Whale decorated different!!"

That's CP in the middle, with Fudgie to the left & Santa to the right.
A guy's (prank) letter to Cookie Puss.

Only in Ameriduh: Wheezy schlock-rock group the Eagles drops copyright infringement lawsuit against the eagles. The kind that fly.


The Job Thing was no big deal. The Beer Cooler Monkey at the main store wants to go part-time, so I'm the new Monkey. So...same pay & bennies, less responsibility, no cashiering, less dealing with SHAWTs, & 15 minutes a day cut off of my round-trip travel time? I guess I can do this. Even if I do have to listen to the gourd damn Lite Favorites station.
They said I may be in the Small Store once a week. I assume that this would be to do computer work, or to cover when a certain someone needs to have his diapers changed.

From Vynnie:

    i read that article about the light radio station. i know that program! it's "delilah (sp?) after dark"! we used to call that show and request horridly sappy love songs and make up stories to tell "delilah"! like one time we requested "wind beneath my wings" and i told her it was for my girlfriend whose arms and legs were blown off in a botched military operation and pretended to cry. if she wasn't pretending to care, then i really feel sorry for her.

    i wonder how many people call her show and make shit up. it seems to work. and it's fun.

    adieu. i must tend to my armless, legless, wind-beneath-my-wings invisible girlfriend.

(Scene: 1960s Japan, badly dubbed)
SIMPLE JAPANESE PEASANT: Ahh! Here I find the store where I am buying my. Quail eggs! For eating!
SIMPLE SHOPKEEPER (bows, moves mouth 1 syllable): Hello, George.
GEORGE (bows, moves mouth 1 syllable): Howdy, Sven! (pats stomach) I am needing eggs for that I may cook them for eating into my tummy! Ha ha ha!
SVEN: HA HA HA H--(scowls) HMM!
SVEN: You...have...moneywithwhichtopayforthese, thefinestquaileggsinallthe. Prefecture?
GEORGE: Huh? What? Money? Pay?
SVEN: Yes indeedy doody, for many have been the times. YOU--have STIFFED. Me! I--WHAT?! HUH?!
(sfx: KABOOM! KABOOM!) (everything shakes, as if in an earthquake. Or as if the camera's being wiggled)
GEORGE: HUH? WHAT? The ground shakes under my simple peasant feet!
(sfx: a horrible ROAR!!!)
(abrupt cut to Raymond Burr on a completely different set) BURR: Yes, I see!
COMMANDER of the JAPANESE DEFENSE FORCE GENERAL SMITH: Hi! I am in command of TASK FORCE: KILL THEGIANTLIZARD! Alarm all the jets on wires! They must stream into the air futilely! As they are swatted like flies! Our many jets from the skies!
GEORGE: General! You are a poet, but don't spray it, say it!
GENERAL (scowls): HMMM!
(sfx: more KABOOMing footstomps)
GENERAL: Ready, toy tanks! Be on the guard of your lives, fakey helicopters! Prepare to engage in the combat that will the most destructive in all of the history of giant monsters jumping up & down on Mt Fuji, infantry wearing little white gloves!
SVEN: My shop, my humble shop of quail-egg-retailing! Woe is my head, WOE!
GENERAL: HMMM! (looks offscreen)
BURR (totally different set again): May I suggest, General Smith, that you shoot at Godzilla?
GENERAL: God Bless America, if all who come from that land are as smart as you, Raymond Burr! (into huge walkie-talkie) All troops! SHOOT AT GODZILLA, as Raymond Burr suggested just now into. My ears!
(Cute little kid KENNY runs into view)
KENNY: Nooooo! Don't shoot Godzilla! He is the friend of children all over the world & also Japaaaan!
GENERAL: HA HA HA! To think that Godzilla would be a friend! HA HA HA! That is SO not funny, Kenny! Be a good boy who wears little short pants & go play with your sister who is of your family!
JANE: I'm his sister, though a decade older & also kinda hot! I so apologize for being the only woman in this movie!
KENNY: NOOO! Shoot not Godzilla, he brings many good things. To Japaaaaan!
GENERAL: Now is not the time for long-winded speeches in defense of Godzilla, now that we must stop talking & begin the utter destruction of this awful beast without further ado or pause! HMMM! Ready all weapons for the firing on the monster!
(The massed armies of Japan prepare to get their asses handed to them AGAIN by a giant monster. All weapons point up the street from the quail egg shop)
SVEN: Oh, my shop! It will be crushed like the very eggs it sells I'm telling you right now!
KABOOM! KABOOM! KA-rattlerattlerattle...
(The soldiers lower their weapons as a tiny can rolls down the street)
BURR: Yes, I see!
(the can comes to a rest by Kenny's feet) KENNY: SEE? Godzilla has brought JOY to all Japan, yaaaaayyyy!
GENERAL: Why--this not Godzilla! It is a CAN!! (everyone nods sagely at his wisdom) A can of--GODZILLA BRAND CANNED MEAT!
Takara spokeswoman YOKO WATANABE: "People can eat Godzilla and become energetic and powerful. It's got dreams mixed in with fun! It's like Popeye and his can of spinach!"
EVERYONE: HA HA HA! Kenny, you are right!
KENNY: And created from the deadly radiation of the ATOMIC BOMB!
YOKO: Let's...leave that out of this, shall we, Kenny? Why don't we all eat some Rodan Meat!
KENNY: If you read that link, it calls it "RADON Meat"!!
YOKO: That...is...a...MISPRINT! Why, look at this! GODZILLA EGGS! They're really--QUAIL EGGS!
SVEN: Why, I could sell them from my shop! I shall be richer than. My wildest dreams of richness!
GEORGE (rubbing stomach): Then may I buy some with which to eat?
SVEN: I won't be rich--if I sell to deadbeats like YOU!
(Everyone laughs hysterically; George is so despondent over his public humiliation that he leaves town & is never seen again)