"The Ranger's where flowing a leaded of break-ins."--Paul Lapansee, and David Gonterman
I've got 2 MSIE windows open & 5! Netscapes...Guess I should start a-bloggin'.
Yes, the above quote is from the Gontermania site. What a treasure trove! Of shit. I mean, look at that opening line from The Rangers of NIMH. 8 words, 4 mistakes. And it took 2 people to not catch them. Gontermania is the next InExLink; which is good, as Cruel Site found the mobster thing from yesterday.
New adition to J.Lilek's Interior Desecrators site. Last week he'd mentioned how quickly Yahoo had made it a pick of the week, & he wondered if Yahoo was regularly checking his page. Dunno, but the Ob gets multiple high-level Yahoo hits every week, so I wonder if they're checking ME for new additions.
Word Kill Kill knows: BUG! There was the 1st Teeny Moth of this year's Teeny Moth season perched in the bathtub. I said "BUG!" & KK made that weird, highly agitated "Where?!" sound she only makes when a bug-hunt's begun (it actually does sound like "WAAAiiir?!") She got it in record time. And ate it.
And, indeed, it is now Teeny Moth Season. 55 degrees today, after the longest-seeming freakin' winter in history. They're claiming that it'll be 75 on Monday--I'm still getting used to 45 as being warm.
The Oddball Comic of the Day (you DO have that bookmarked, right?) has been guest-hosted all week. It's not surprising that Gail "YABS" Simone has the funniest 1.
Ha. Ha. Ha. I guess it was Oddball's lil April Fool's joke, having the url point to the wrong place. Try here instead.
My new computer is on the way! And has been since 1AM Monday. Umm. I'm giving it another day, then I'm trying to find out exactly which UPS truck it's lying crushed in.
Swedish correspondent Veronica Karlsson has found a variant on the Amputee Wannabe InExLink...and there's even a webring!
Searchers Eat a Bug:
pokemon opening theme quicktime movie
outback onion coupon [yeah, I have lots of coupons here. here's 1 for cents-off at Gero-Vita]
gero vita scam [just yesterday I got ANOTHER flyer from my old friends at Gero-Vita. 1 of my old fave actors, James "The President's Analyst" Coburn, was their spokesman. He looked like an albino zombie. He must REALLY need the cash. Sad.]
fuhrer advertising new beetle ["It's NAZIRIFFIC!"]
free pic archive porn sitegeocitiescom [must be hard to make cogent searches with 1 hand]
skoal tobacco pictures [yeah, here's a pic of a pool of brown spit]
hello kitty 4-door van [I saw this while chatting with Kitty--"Ohmigod. I want to drive one cross-country," she said]
dawn wells nude [hmm, normally they only want to see her naked]
angel fish picturs [gotta have a picturs search! notably, this 1 found an old search from new2...soon, ALL my pages will be getting hits from people who can't spell]
different kinds of peppermint [uh, let's see: there's the pepper...and the mint. Thank You, & Goodnight.]
snowsuit fetish [ACK! this guy found an old search result, too! soon, I'll be the net's only source for "snowsuit fetishes"! whatever THAT is]
last supper clock and hallelujah
tu-pac illuminati conspiracy [yeahhhh....The ILLUMINATI killed Tu-Pac! We are SO LUCKY to live in an age where people see imaginary conspiracies everywhere, but don't care that the PRESIDENT was "elected" by one]
lick mommy's shoes [and thanks for the latest disgusting fetish]
cbs survivor questionaire
[PLEASE CHECK ONE:
A) Are you on the show Survivor?
B: Do you watch it?
If you checked either one, you have won our SPECIAL PRIZE:]
sudden explosive diarhhea
As Shonen Knife didn't sing: "Pookie Day, Pookie Day, it's a beautiful Pookie Day!"
For once the long-term weather forecast was right--A week ago they said 75 & gorgeous for today, & by Gourd, were they right. Actually, this morning they changed the forecast to "low 60s & partly cloudy," so they got it wrong at the last minute. Yesterday it was 50 & raining; today I put on shorts for the 1st time in 6 months & went to a state park. Nothing green, but crystal blue sky & temps so sweet I wanted to cry or sing or dance like a Gonterman (btw...Those .txt fanfics of his are REAL hard to get through, ain't they? I make it halfway through, & my brain starts to whine "Hey, eyeballs! Why are you doing this to me?!"). I wandered for 1.5 hours before spotting another Hu-Man. Unfortunately, I then spotted several Hu-Mans, & half of them were YELLING at each OTHER or their big smelly dumb DOGS. "SIMON!" shrieked this 1 woman to her pooch repeatedly, despite the fact that Simon was right next to her & doing nothing bad. Bah, people.
I went to the oddly named Gay City state park, where I hadn't been in 5 months. I went on my vacation week last year & loved it; went a month later & hated it. It was now July, & Gay City is a mesh of brooks around a very large pond & thus an excellent mid-summer incubator for insect life. I wore some OFF! so the bugs didn't bite me. No, the same bugs just kept repeatedly landing on me. I guess a horsefly's brain resets to zero every second. "Food! Land on it! Oh no, OFF! Fly away! Hey, Food! Land on it! Oh no, OFF! Fly away! Hey, food..!" Little insectile life this time of year, though I did hear some rustling in the leaves & saw a trio of garter snakes a yard away from my feet. 2 froze & stared at me for the more than 5 minutes I stood there. The 3rd squiggled all around, even moving close to me at 1 point, & never stopping. 1 of those snakes is prly not going to survive long...
It was actually interesting to go there without any greenery, as I saw things I'd never noticed before, like a 2-story chimney BBQ thing. Just out there in the middle of the woods, all Stonehengey. Odd.
Then, after a whole week of waiting--NEW POOKIE! Sony VAIO, 800mz, 64meg RAM, 30gig HD, CD-RW, & a bunch of other stuff that I don't know how to use cuz the manuals on the C drive! I hate that! Oh yeah, & preloaded with MacAfee virus scan which told me on booting that my free trial was over. And Windows ME, which I've heard enough Bad Things about to have already started calling it "Windows FuckME." So far so good, though.
I'm startled at how fast this is--& I mean on the Net. I always thought that it was my old 56K modem, but's that's what I've got now. Hitting "back" from the search results page happened so quickly I literally didn't see it. Speaking of which...
CATEGORY: Old search requests that are now getting their own requests:
free maine fake id template
easy to make cartoon dollies [what ARE these 'cartoon dollies' people keep looking for?]
free pic archive porn sitegeocitiescom [where IS this "sitegeocitiescom"?]
CATEGORY: Spell it Wrong, & They Will Come:
picturs of space war
piks of ferrari [WaterPik's fastest model!]
celebreties voicemail [yeah, celebrities post their voicemail on Geocities sites. I've got Russell Crowe's right here...]
CATEGORY: Random Words
michelob ad laundry
recipes canape made with english muffins
check below for your request [??]
fuck +religion +pic +jesus [so...it's a pic of Jesus yelling "FUCK RELIGION!" & storming out of his Dad's house to become a Chippendale dancer? pic of Jesus getting it on with Mary Magdalene? or are you just sick of pics of religious Jesuses? in that case, don't search for them; you'll just get angrier]
lore sjoberg country music [it's the Brunching Shuttlecocks Line Dance! YEE-HAW!]
fake dawn wells porn [umm, you're not going to find any REAL Dawn Wells porn out there, Moulty]
[geddit? Moulty? he had 1 hand!]
eily porn [uhh...Eily. Eily Eily Eily. this is what, again? mispelling of Elle MacPherson, or Mos Eisley? Hey, give me some Walrus Head, ha ha! or...EELY? EWWW! Eel Porn! EWWW!]
And the most random collections of words today IS...
denmark bleach swamp
Here's a pair of links I came across a while ago, & keep forgetting to post.
Cardhouse's Pixbarn. InExOb gets many a click via Cardhouse, but never actually looked at the page. Starts slow, but gets into definite Inexplicia later on. If that's what "kiss testing" results in, they're can't be a lot of kiss-testers still alive.
I said 2, but I can't find the other 1.
Star Chaser sent me an url: "I pity the foo' who don't water T, & place his head in a bright, well-ventilated area!"
It's funny that he should send me an eBay url minutes after I had a wonderful Grinchy idea for the Ob involving eBay aBuse. And no, you won't want to bid on it.
Oh, so THIS is what they mean when they say "Your server is behind a firewall"!
A while back I had a link TO a story...aBOUT the MissUniversePageantbeing...hosted...BY....WILLiam SHATner. Here's a story about the host. "Shatner told a story about taking his kids trick-or-treating. Naturally, he dressed in costume, donning not one but two Kirk masks.
They'd open the door, and there I was,' Shatner said. 'I'd take off the first mask, and it was Captain Kirk! And I'd take off the second mask -- and it was Captain Kirk!'
Somewhere within this joke lies the meaning of Shatner."
I had a LOT worse than having having glue poured on me happen to me when I was in school--Where's MY $600K?!
I mentioned last week about having a cold. I got it from 1 of the owners, who claims to have gotten it from his dog. I'm not so sure about that, but it was the weirdest cold I've ever had--I'd feel OK at night, then awaken at dawn feeling like hell. After a few hours I'd feel OK again, just cough a lot & get laryngitis. I'd go to bed, then awaken at dawn feeling like hell again, repeat as necessary. And it lasted a week. I finally shed it yesterday. While playing with KK, she sneezed 4 times--has she got the dog/human/kitty cold now? I'm keeping an eye on her, but I don't think so. But I'll tell you this: the Small White even sneezes cute. "chiff! chiff!"
Well. NewPookie lasted exactly TWO WHOLE DAYS before it died. I wasn't doing nuthin'! I was writing here, in fact, after several fatal errors in both MSIE & Netscape caused them to be shut down. Then, everything went blue. Blue with tiny, funny script at the top. I did the alt-ctrl-del dance of Windows Magic, & nothing happened, so I reached for the reset button. There wasn't 1. So I just turned it off, turned it on, got the same screen with the gibberish at the top, hit c-a-del, when it didn't work, turned it off, then turned it on....like 10 times. Goodbye to you, shitty VAIO. Back to stupid buy.com from whence thou came, foul demon!
No wonder buy.com has such an easy return policy. Everything they sell COMES BACK.
So I guess I should get a 2nd HD, so when I *have* to reformat C, I don't lose everything? Anyone with the slightest tech knowledge wanna confirm or deny my village idiot 1st impression?
From Brien Saputo: "Are you just happy to see me, or is that...Oh. Wait. That it is."
The 101 Dumbest Moments in e-Business History. "In its prospectus, Buy.com unveils history's most elegant business model: 'We sell a substantial portion of our products at very low prices. As a result, we have extremely low and sometimes negative gross margins on our product sales'."
Coke is accused of having its logo read an anti-Islamic statement when held in a mirror & read backwards. If you say "Dumb Moslems!" only a few years ago Snapple sales were hurt when some people decided that the ship on their bottle of iced tea was really a slave ship, & the circled K on the label stood for...KKK! Of course, the "slaves" on the ship were dressed as Indians, & dropping boxes of tea into the harbor of Colonial Boston...is this ringing a bell yet? "Boston Tea Party" kinda bell? And the circled K means "Kosher."
The guy who did the weird Pokemon Shockwave has a whole site now. He claims to be 15 years old. The sequel to his big hit was disappointing, at least up to the part where the sound went dead & it crashed MSIE. Don't tell me how it ends!
The corporate mass media luv-fest for Bush continues. Yeah, we didn't apologize to China! We said "we're sorry," but that's not apologizing! Yeah, the spy plane crew is home, but China still has the plane! Nice job, Bushbaby! Maybe they got to keep the plane as payment for us not admitting that we DID violate their airspace? Sure, it was that chow-mein-eating pilot that wrecked it. Hurt our po' lil AWACS plane so bad that no one on board was hurt, & it flew 70 miles without a problem, past easier landing areas. Oh, & that hotshot Chinaman, he died, which just PROVES he did it deliberately. Like how a sports car deliberately rams tractor trailers on the highway. We accidentally bombed their embassy in Serbia, too. Amazing that the only CIA-planned bombing mission of the whole war hit a building that every map said was the Chinese embassy, & it was SO accidental that we sent a cruise missile directly into the room where Chinese spies were relaying military info to the Serbs.
Americans always like to say "All politicians lie!" Yet they always believe them when they do.
Disco disco disco, big teeth people want to riot,
Cuz rumpleminze ads say they need a low cholestorol diet.
+inky +clyde +pinky +blinky +move + like a disco man,
Each wants to shake his specially lined can.
civil rights picturs want to volunteer fire scholarly,
Let their htmhell blink tag search for +lyric +"celine dion" +"immortality"!
Disco disco disco, check below for your request & burn burn burn!
sandal or sandals or sabot or sabots jules verne!
Disco disco disco, fake pictures of crabs demand an adagio for strings in platoon explanation;
Their kit-kat clocks blue rock the whole dawn wells nude nation!
The aaa trash collection of vienna pictchers of car crashes
Discos while the attilla the hun birthdate in their mind flashes!
Disco disco disco, it is so complimentary,
That disco disco someone looked to me for a big penis size documentary!
WOW. A diary someone found in the street, written by a very intelligent young woman who happens to be a heroin addict. No beginning, no end, no plot--it's a diary. But...Well, just read it. And wonder where Adrianna is now, & where she'd be if she hadn't taken that 1 wrong path in her life, the 1 of heroin...
I told you that you didn't want to bid on my eBay auction! I'll send you as much reconstituted tuna you want for FREE!
My father was named William F Young, whereas I'm named William A. When I was a kid, people who didn't know this would call me "Bill Jr." My unsucessful fling with internet romance was with a woman named Amy. I got a letter hand-addressed to "William A. Jr & Amy Young." WTF?! I opened it up, & was from an insurance agent wanting Bill & Amy to buy a policy for our new baby. What, am I getting mail from Alternate Realities now?!
(no, Young is a common surname, & it was addressed to the condo's street number with no unit number--I've lived here 14 years, & have had the same postman the whole time, so he just stuck it in the mailbox of that Bill Young guy)
I got an email from a guy named Gary Howarth asking if he could use some of the old pics from the InExOb. Why? I asked. "I recently started up a web site simply to stick a banner on it. Not what most people do. I did it because there is a web site that promises free immortality to who ever brings them 40 hits in a certain amount of time, it's a really funny site. http://www.alexchiu.com." Boy, nobody looks at those links at the bottom of the Archive, do they? Of course, it's for the good cause of Immortality, so I said yes. Looking at Mr Chiu's site, I see that there's a new article about him.
The Ob received a hit from someone searching for "toilet shit." Out of 52,000 pages, I'm number 10! The funny part is right below my result, where Alta Vista promises that you can "Find toilet shit and millions of other cool items at eBay!" Like "shitted tuna"!
I just now got an email from an InExOb fan calling herself "katgirl" regarding last week's personal ad, titled "Klingon Love": "i wanted to write and mention something you may have missed--this guy is from west palm beach. *west palm beach*, i tell you. this man voted for pat buchanan by mistake, i'm willing to bet. this man makes the whole chad thing vastly easier to believe."
You've prly picked up on the fact that I have a low opinion of America's latest get-rich-quick idea, get maimed doing something incredibly stupid & then sue somebody you claim inspired you, ie, the TV show "Jackass." Hey...the show's called JACKASS! Why would that make you want to imitate it? seanbaby says his piece on it: "Moving Jackass to later at night really is a brilliant idea until you realize there's no national bedtime for retards. Stupid people stay up late too. The real
solution is one that Canada came up with years ago -- massive slaughter. You
see, once Canada got socialized medicine, they had a tough decision to make. Did all regular citizens
want to pitch in to repair idiots, or did they want to bulldoze them all into a pit of exploding acid? They
actually decided the best idea was to move all the fire, scissors, and stairs out of their country. Now
when children want to hurt themselves to impress their televisions, their only chance is to stand by an
igloo until they're hit by lightning. And you can't sue weather, at least not until you move to America."
Remember that movie from a few years ago, "The Program"? It had a scene where the characters show their machismo by lying down in traffic. They had to cut the scene when retards laid down in traffic & got, wonder of wonders, RUN OVER. Of course, half the movies coming out of Hollywood have heroes that shoot people. How come I can't shoot someone & then sue Schwarzenegger?
I'm coming up with a show of my own: "Hey, Retard! Send Bill All Your Money!" If they're inspired to copy the program, fine. And if they sue, I'll be able to afford it. But they won't be able to sue, as they'll be poor! Have I got a brilliant idea here, or what!
Speaking of retards...Searches:
statistic plastic bag [??]
plastic 2 liter bottle photo coke [damn, don't search, go to coke.com]
100 cartoon dollies [what are these cartoon dollies already?! "You take 1 down & pass it all around--99 cartoon dollies in the statistic plastic bag"]
mailing list end of the world global warming overpopulation
monkey brain salad [either a food you won't find me eating, or they want chimps to listen to Emerson Lake & Palmer]
why do they put lemon in corona beer [dunno, as they put limes in Corona. There are many reasons for the lime: 1)To hide the fact Corona tastes like freakin Miller High Life, but costs twice as much; 2) To wash away the taste of the monkey brain salad; 3)It's the SCURVIEST!! Yay, Lime Girls!
And the search I least wanted to read IS:
giant dildos horse dog for sale
"Bowl of Soup Morphs into NINJA ASSASSAIN!" Note that it's from good ol' Accoutrements.
This may look like something from the Onion, but it's very real. Check the 1st link at the bottom of the page for details. Yes, this is in the UK, but before you say "It can't happen here"..."[Secret Service] Agent Gail Linkins, who supervises the Mobile office, described it as 'very, very routine.'" Routine. That's comforting.
Magic: The Withering.
Tiny transparent baby spider, no bigger than a period on this page, just rapelled on a gossamer thread past my monitor. I wouldn't've noticed him any other way, except from monitor contrast. He's...somewhere now. Hopefully not in the beer I'm drinking. Live, little spider! Find a corner to eat the bugs, but be subtle, or the Small White may find you. KK does not grasp the concept of "ecological niche."
I bid too late on this: The perfect gift for the Linux-using pyromaniac on your list!
Logan Steel's billboard is back. They now can spell "steel," they no longer list how much steel you can buy in steel-buying codewords, so now they use up billboard space telling you about their website. And it's exactly as interesting as a wholesale steel dealer's site would be. Once you've stopped giggling at the dopey clip-art of Jack Hammer realizing "I ain't g-g-g-gonna have no k-k-k-kids if I k-k-k-keep doing th-th-this!" click on a category & read it. NO, read it, or confess to killing the Kennedys! Read them ALL! OK, ready to confess now?
They're also an equal opportunity employer of hunchbacks.
This is the City. I'm a cop. I search here.
"dermabrasion+cons!" said my partner angrily. "These con men will do anything! They ripped off some poor pierced Starbucks employee who wanted to get a real job!"
"Told him it was dermabrasion, but they just used white-out, right?" I asked the question like it wasn't a question. My voice didn't go up at the end. I'm a cop. My voice never goes up. Not mine. Not my cop voice.
"Wow, Joe, how did you know!" asked my partner at the top of his lungs, while beating a suspect in someone else's casefile. My partner's my diametrically opposed opposite. That's how they team cops, you know. I'm calm, he's hot-headed. He stabs them, I slab them. That's how it works. That slob Detective Stallone, he got teamed with his own mother. It's a funny world.
"Bet he used that same dermabrasion con on that guy with the worst combover. Where he tattooed hair. Tattooed a combover, not a real hair-looking tattoo." I said in a voice that could've come from a mummy. Because I'm the calm one. Not a real mummy, I mean. Real mummy's don't talk. They just go "UNNNGGHH!!!!" while killing your entire family in front of your eyes.
Remind me to tell you the mummy story sometime.
"We should do a stakeout," I said, "with a camera."
"NO, fuck webcams sitegeocitiescom!! We have enough female gangster costume pics!" he shrieked, as he plunged his head into a pile of thumbtacks as deep as your arm, but less deep than the depth of his head. He's my diametrically opposed opposite, by the way. Like when Chuck Norris got paired with that kindergartner, or was that Burt Reynolds? My partner's name is "jason argonauts dennis hopper media". Cruel parents. Make you crazy every time. No one gives a kid a name like that, unless they're on drugs. Bad drugs. But all drugs are bad. Except for whatever the police psychologist has been giving me. I felt an emotion last week, so I asked him to tone it down. Gave me a pill. My house burned down with my kids inside. Or something. Good stuff, what he gave me. Let's me do my job.
"Stop eating those push-pins," I said to J.A.D.H. Media. "Did marijuana stunt your growth? We have a case to work on." JADH stopped stapling his face long enough to grunt a few ballads from the age of science to himself as we left.
We reached the stakeout position. It was outside a restaurant called the Steak Out. I found that grimly amusing. I also find the Simpsons grimly amusing, as well as Garfield. You wouldn't steal any lasagna on my beat, pussy.
No more time for deep inner musings, I thought, as our suspect stumbled out of the steakhouse stakeout, making robot jerky movements as he went. "Grab your flashlight versa-pak, JADH. We're entering manhood."
quicktimecats purring could be heard as we entered the alleyway behind the restaurant, especially near the seafood dumpster. "That fishy smell remind you of anything?" JADH whispered, as he stuck swordfish bones under his fingernails. "Stop doing that, they're dirty bones." I advised. "And, yeah. It reminds me of that foul, fishy, very hot criminal temptress, tastychick hawaii!"
"The last time we crossed paths with that hot hot hot but fishily Hawaiian mama, she was smuggling supermodel colostomy samples!" muttered JADH as he rolled in broken glass.
I shuddered. Or would have, if I hadn't had my shuddering nerve ends severed years ago. Supermodel colostomy bags were the latest sick, sick, sick, strangely erotic fetish to hit this sick, sick, sick town since that sick, sick Britney Spears in her undies fetish, the one where I carefully accumulated thousands of pieces of evidence, including dozens of pairs of her panties that I found in her laundry & now keep in carefully ziplocked bags in a secret part of my house. No, I ain't saying where!
The suspect moved jerkily & robotically close enough that we could interrogate him.
"Stop jumping on his throat, JADH. It makes it harder to interrogate him." I read the suspect his rights, Miranda & also the Last as he wasn't breathing very well (I'm a cop & a fully ordained minister in a correspondance church). I found a bloody scrap of paper in his pocket, but fortunately the blood was still fresh & also coming out of his nose.
I folded the paper & put it into my pocket. "It's worse than I thought."
JADH stopped fingerprinting the suspect by placing the perp's hand on an ink pad & jumping up & down on it while the fingers made crunching noises. "What? Worse than stealing Kathy Ireland's colosotomy samples?! What did that paper say?"
"george w bush + colostomy," I intoned. "George W Bush's colostomy."
JADH picked up a pair of garbage can lids, & began smashing them against his temples like cymbals. "NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO! Dubya FRIEND to JADH! NOOO!"
"I know, I know," I said. "But this is the big time. We're gonna save your hero--and illegitimate father."
"Save...Dah-Dah?" whimpered JADH as he strangled a garbage rat. "Yes," I said as soothingly as one can say with my mortuary monotone. "Now, JADH, he sit in squad car like a good bad cop, right?"
He left. The streetlights cast shadows in the alley like swaths of spilled ink, the streetlights blared light on the pools of slime & blood like they were rivers of putrid diamonds. When no one was near, I climbed on a dumpster & looked to the smoggy sky that reflected the streetlights back down. This was the big one. This was the case that would get me out of this 2-bit town, the case that would get me my own nationally syndicated TV show.
I looked to the skies & screamed, "HOT DANG I FEEL MINTY FRESH!!!"