31

"Oh, you headless chicken.
Can those poor teeth take so much kickin'?

But Dead Finks don't dress so well--No discrimination.
To be a zombie all the time requires such dedication."

--Brian Eno, "Dead Finks Don't Talk"

2/26

Another new New.
I remember when this thing actually was what was new on my page. Then it became random rantings, then recycled email, then the SHAWT, then a journal, then dead silence, & now a blog.

Not much in the way of new searches:

shift into drive lyrics
cosmetic testing pic monkey
why dogs sniff before shitting
making 1 liter bottle dolls
cb radio +president lincoln +manuals
What the hell's up with that last one? Not the car-type Lincoln, the $5-type Lincoln. I realize that most Americans have no concept of history, but you'd have to have an IQ of 4 score & 7 to think that they had CBs 150 years ago, & that the Smithsonian might have a copy of Abe's old manual. Maybe they have Washington's mood ring & James K. Polk's leisure suit, too.

Amy Conger sent me a weird ecard. Check out the site for more. I haven't looked much, but if this is typical, I will be.
Speaking of strange mail, Rich VL sends this music video. Less surreal than the Hattan thing, but also less tedious. Catchier tune, too. Obviously no one told this guy that it's impolite to point. I want that black coat-cloak thing!
Govynda found evidence of the explosive spread of a certain new meme.

While I'm listening to my beloved Brian Eno box set, take a look at the opera that inspired 1 of his albums. I own the CD of this same performance (it was part of my costume the Halloween that I went as a Commie). From the liner notes: "Icy winds howl through the woods, rustling branches & shaking the deep gulleys. Snowflakes dance in a hazy mist & the mountains are mantled in silver. The leader lifts his eyes to the distance..." Sounds poetic, but this is Red China, so the name of the tune is "We will wipe out the reactionaries." No mention in the text about flying around on wires a la "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," though it sure looks like the opera has plenty.

It's been a while since seanbaby updated, but it's worth the wait!

I found the perfect coffee mug at the SalvArmy: "I'd Rather Be Sleeping."

By God, this is funny! Jesus Christ Superstore. I hadn't finished laughing at the incredibly buff Buddha when I spotted the package for Allah.

Know what I hate? When whites say that there's no rascism in America. Like THEY'D know. But this is insane. OK, I stole that link from Ribbit! Which you should bookmark; it's all strange news stories.

Ah, yes, the WRATH thing continues anon. I really can't picture scrawny me punching ANYone in the face enough to make them fall down, on either the 2nd try or the hundredth. But that's why Gourd created tire irons. Apparently someone else dies tomorrow. Me, I hope. There's also a short character bio page. I liked the bit on my birthdate. Despite the spelinng.

Hey, I just noticed this! Compare the guy from the Chinese opera site with another guy:

...
Mutants of frightening eyebrow!!

2/27

How depressing. 1st Cruel Site of the Day takes away Jesus Christ Superstore as my next InExLink, now THIS. I AM NOT ALONE. Someone else came up with the idea of "inexplicable object of the week." Can't say the they stole the idea, as they started doing it only 7 weeks after I did. Horribly, 1 of the earliest is the Fart Bomb InExOb I did a while ago.
hey, WAIT! It's the guy who did the Wagner meets Space Ghost thing that was on The Sisto Files forever! Maybe he traced it back, & stole the Object idea from me? HMM--Apparently it just weeks ago that the page was called "The Item of the Week."
THAT'S okay. I just don't like thinking that my only viable web idea is unoriginal. Plus, I'm funnier.

SHATNER VOICE: "Who--stole--Miss USA's BRAIN?!"

2/28

I'm mad. I finally got a Snappy, so I can do video caps on the Ob. No one sells these things in actual STORES, of course, so I ordered it from Buy.com. OF COURSE the software's defective. So now I get to pay to get it replaced.


Thank Gourd.
The Shonen Knife ref & the "Next" buttons (that don't seem to work) are my suggestions. He was Cruel Site today, for his charming how-to on beating people up & getting away with it. What a boon to mankind. But that's good, as I now have no guilt about not using him as an InExLink (which, I've no doubt, was his whole reason in choosing me as a contestant).

There's more I want to put here, but the computer & the server are being hateful bastards. The Snappy was enough frustration for 1 night.

3/1

Oh, it's Thurs, right? That means I have to update. Chris Isaak, Hawaii, and YOU! (this is the unending Geo banner ad here in the page editor. OH BOY! Chris Fuckin Isaak! Had a hit since "Wicked Game," Chris? No? Well...Get the hell out of my Hawaiian getaway then, asswipe.
Funny how "Hawain" looks less like a word than the more impossible "Hawaiian."

Searching, but not finding:

hormel vienna sausages pics [guh-LUBB! sez Tonguey!]
buckland hills mall ugly [ahh, a local!  & it SURE IS, pardner!!]
maryland fake id template [like you'll find that on the page of a guy who SELLS BOOZE for a living]
marlon brando picturs [picturEs!!  picturEs!!]
aircraft carrier animated gif [hey, it's Marlon Brando floating on his back!  No, wait--It's an aircraft carrier]
wife trying new bikini pic
[Today, on Narrowly Focused Sexual Obsessions, we have Wife Trying on New Bikini guy, and...]
prairie dog balls gif [...THIS freak!]
[And the search of the moment is...]
plastic bubble infection picture [the latest 45 from the LIME GIRLS!
KITTIES!! Uhh, nothing special. Except for the KITTIES!!

3/5

I guess I should update, given those 135 hits this got last hour. From 1 guy in Weehawken. Using Netscape 6, of course.

Oh, BTW, the World Ended today. At least that's what you would've thought, if you shopped anywhere in CT on Sat. This really horrible storm was going to drop a WHOLE MILE of snow today. The Governor banned tractor-trailers from the highways last night. It pissed freezing rain instead. Of course, on Sat the panic-buyers were out in force everywhere. Buying milk & bread appeases Blombo the Snow God, & so he will let you live--THIS TIME.
The Booze Place did a Sat's business, with a Mon's worth added in (note to non-booze-selling laypeople: That's a HELL of a lot of business). And, they just could've bought it today. Now they say tomorrow is when the World Ends. "They" also keep saying that it's the worst storm in:

    A: 100 Years
    B: 50 Years
    C: 23 Years
Of course, 8 years ago we had what "they" called "The Storm of the Century." But we're in a new century now, so I guess we're due.

I have memories of the Storm of '78. Mom & Dad forgot to buy milk & bread, & we ate the dog. Good thing we had the dog; Little Sister was starting to look IncrEdible.
Actually, I have no memory of it. It left 3 feet of snow the day after I flew to college in Ohio, me seeing Oberlin the day after they'd been hit with 2 feet. (Oops, I just gave away my age, didn't I? No, I'm really only 25! I was a child prodigy! A toddler prodigy, in fact!) OK, I'm not. But I'm STILL YOUNGER THAN MIKEY! Who sent this banner ad that made me LOL!!!

Speaking of that most foul & squalid of all decades, the 70s, Our Boy Lileks has a huge pile of 70s Hell-Decor. You pups & kittens that weren't around then & think that the 70s were COOL cuz of That 70s Show--you're wrong. Would you WANT to live in a world so insane that people thought that it was cool to CARPET the WALLS, like a padded cell? As James says: "Most of the Institute is a labor of love. This site is a labor of hate. A hate that burns like your knees burn after youíve slid a yard on a harsh synthetic rug. A hate Iíve nourished and stoked for decades. I came of age in the 70s, and there were few crueler things you could inflict on a person." I don't remember people living in rooms like this, but that's cuz very few people can afford to replace all their furniture at once. Usually, Bad 70s Crap crept in on little rat's feet, a few earth-toned bits at a time. A giant green ceramic ashtray here, a macrame plant-holder there, then those sofas with the cushions that shot out from under you when you sat on them...

From Mr Lilek's newspaper is this bit from their blog:
"I've received at least three e-mails from people mentioning this link and telling me that the No. 1 song on your birthday can be considered your personal theme song, supposedly setting the tone for your life." And I make fun of people who believe in astrology! Even those moronic Kabalarians would have trouble swallowing that load. Isn't a song #1 generally for WEEKS? So, like astrology, there can only be millions of people born on the same day with identical lives. RIGHT. I guess my life's been determined by "Venus" by "Frankie Avalone" (sic). So I'm a female love goddess. OH YEAH! Worship my boobies, mortals! Though I admit that my childhood crush on Annette Funicello was 2nd only to Dawn Wells...

"Lookin' for an answer..."

orko sound bites [no, Orko himself bites!]
vegan fake steak recipe
halloween pics drag [yeah, they go on FOREVER]
yukon jack font
mohawk gel
mcdonalds mascot pre 1960 [it was a guy with unclogged arteries]
abercrombie on a horse boy fitch picture site [wtf?  Is Jerry Lewis with the SEARCHING for the THING on the WEB, NICE LAYDEE?!]
japan robot animist [NOT anime.  NOT "Japanese Animist."  This is
someone who worships the spirits that live in GIANT ROBOTS]
[And the weird sexual fetish of the moment IS...]
cartoon dollies naked
I checked a few dozen of the old InExes to see what turned up. Oddly, they found what they were looking for, like "Hello Kitty Condoms." Why you'd be searching for a "blinking crucifix" in the 1st place is another matter. 1 person found a Dubya ref by searching for "village idiot presidency monkey."
I was interested to see that I'm the #1 result for "Toastmaster hospitality tray," as that's 1 of my particularly fave Obs. Most of the other results were eBay listings, selling the trays for DIRT. I want 1! A new search engine called "Searchopolis" found most of the rest. This rates with Lycos as the most useless engine ever, as it finds words instead of phrases. Here is their description of 1 of the sites: "aardvark aardwolf aaron aaronic ab ab extra ab initio ab intra ab ovo ab- aba abaca aback abacus abaft abalone abandon abandoned abase abash abate abatement abatis abattoir abaxial abbacy abbasid abbatial abbe abbess abbevillian abbey abbot abbrevia..." I suppose that if it had gone on long enough, it would've turned up "Avalone."

Maybe this storm really is gonna be a bad mo'fo. The freezing rain turned to corn-flaked size snow a coupla hours ago. The radar shows a big orange thing, right over Vernon! ORANGE THING, NOOOOO!! I have no milk or bread! And Kill Kill's looking at me all hungry-like!

3/7

PHEWW! They plowed the driveway before Kill Kill ate more than 3 of my fingers!

The Storm of the Century or Quadricentury or Whatever was the Storm They Couldn't Predict Shit About. The panic buying of Sat led to no real storm which led to panic buying MONDAY. Which, when no real storm hit Tues, led to no real business. We opened 4 hours late & closed 2 hours early. Everyone was told of this awful bad storm, so there would be no after-work rush, as no one had gone to work in the 1st place. In the last hour, I totaled up the profits & found that the owners had made just enough to pay me. Meaning we were taking a loss on the utilities, so we closed. Highlight of the day: A desperate phone call begging me for "a big favor! PLEEEEASE tell me that Big Lots is open!" There's yer priorities.
After locking the door, turning off all the lights & approaching the door in my coat, I knew I was in trouble. There was a woman staring at the door as if she could make the store open by mental energy. "Wishing made Tinkerbell come back to life! CLAP IF YOU BELIEVE IN BUKOFF!" Sorry, I said, but we only had 4 customers in the last hour. "It woulda been 5!" she slurred. Yep, she was drunk. I noticed then that she was wearing a dress & was walking in the 15 degree windchill. Without a coat, which proved she was quite drunk. So I would'nt've served her anyway.

Woman gets some amount less than the $395 million she wanted for being bonked on the coconut by a giant Cat in the Hat.

As a collector of weird Xmas songs, this is 1 of the weirdest. Not 1 of the best, but certainly 1 of the weirdest.

3/8

The name says it: BushWatch. Speaking of whom, the Washington Post has an editorial comparing 2 faith-based initiatives.

Dang, but I WUV Tom the Dancing Bug!

OK, Kill Kill fans...The Pookie has been buggy of late. If the hard drive crashes, the only things I'd lose that I'd really miss would be my KK pics. I was dragging my feet about uploading them, as it meant Photoshopping them 1st. Wait--No, it doesn't! I can do that after I upload them, but I sure as hell can't if they've been destroyed! So I'm going to upload every KK pic I can find over the next few days. You can poke through them if you want, but some are unfocused & meant to be resized or used as link pics or backgrounds. And an awful lot are pretty boring. At 1st I took lots of Cute Kitten pics, then Silly Cat pics, & most of those are what've already been seen here. Then I realized that what I would really miss when KK's gone is the day-to-day stuff--Her sleeping, looking out the window, or purring on the floor. There's a lot of those little moments.
There's also a lot of crap on the carpets. It's all paper that Kay's shredded. Vacuuming has become an exercise in futility here.

"...Tryin' hard to find..."

dawn wells bikini
cholestorol explained [we don't explain here.  We deconstruct]
buying a lucy peanuts costume
b29 super fortress shot down [don't look at me, it was shot down when I got here!]
vibrating belt -clip [again??]
governor rowland stops trailers [note: this happened 2 days ago, & they expect links already.
Instead, they got the Governor fighting Robin Rodan]
how to spike your hair into a mohawk [just jump in the shower!  if you're a CAT]
bush+george+daddykins [aww, cute!]
king cobra babies [aww, cuter & less dangerous!]
otters mutant ["Wolverine fights Sabretooth's vacation replacement!
And gets his head smashed on Otterface's belly with a rock!  Aww, otters are CUTE!]
[and the most inexplicable request IS...]
blender and denmark and 3d [something is rotten in the blenders of Denmark--
and they're COMIN' RIGHT ATCHA IN 3D!]
3/12

Karl of the Scary Orange Head shows that the meme has infected the mainstream.

A guy at work wanted my url, which of course is extremely long. "But I can just search for Thoughtviper, right?" Yep, I said. Then got home & thought...Well, I guess you can. Better check. Know what's weird? Finding yourself plagiarized on some bb ("Y'all"). Weirder? Having someone else catch the plagiarizing. Weirdest? Having it be Luna's pal Kiru.

Luna's my dream girl! Last night literally. I had 1 of my hyperdetailed dreams. Some people dream in color, I dream in Imax.
Seems me, Luna & Kitty were sharing a vacation apartment on the beach (this is odd, as usually my dreams are populated solely by people my brain invents, with the exception of Kill Kill & Alison Plumley, my Unrequited Love from high school--why she always turns up after all these years, I dunno). For some reason our "vacation" included me & Luna doing the apartment's payroll. We suspected a co-worker of embezzlement. I told the apt owner of this, & he seemed mad at me. I went back to my room to find that it'd disappeared. Then the whole floor moved like an elevator into an upper tier. I was trapped in some bizarre TV studio. 100s of monitors showed sitcoms, all involving freakish alien lifeforms. The jokes were awful, but the director & a cameraman were on the floor laughing. That's when I realized that they were ALIENS! The shows weren't sitcoms with aliens, they were sitcoms FOR aliens, & only they got the jokes! Earth had an X-Files type pact with the aliens of the galaxy: Don't destroy us, & we'll send you our number 1 export, Hollywood Crap (just like how American TV dominates the world). I was free to move around, but I couldn't escape to warn the world that 1 invincible alien race REALLY HATED SITCOMS, & was coming to destroy us. The TV people (including the apt landlord) kept "unintentionally" leaving keys out, leaving me alone near doors marked Exit, etc. I knew that they were testing me to see if I tried to escape, so I kept pointing out their "mistakes." Soon, they trusted me to the point were I had a job with them, & I met their evil CEO. I gained her trust enough to convince her to walk into a TV screen that actually was a dimensional portal. Her immediate flunkies reluctantly decided to follow her. This freed me from the TV station to save the world! Free of their influence, the landlord lost all knowledge of the secret TV station on his roof. And Kits & Luna did NOTHING to help me! Some dream warriors they are!

I went antiquing yesterday. All I found was a 1976 MAD magazine, but it had their parody of the movie my 2nd cousin Tom McGuane wrote, "The Missouri Breaks"! "Don't tell your friends the ending of this latest Western epic making the rounds, or they'll know you sat through it all, wondering when...The Misery Breaks" JACK NICHOLSON: You killed one of my PALS...an' now I'm gonna kill YOU!! MARLON BRANDO (nude in bathtub): No, you won't! It's against the law! JN: Killin' KILLERS isn't against the law...! MB: No, but killin' WHALES is!!
Wow. Even 25 years ago, they were making "Marlon Brando is Fat" jokes.

"...But it's like trying to find gold in a silver mine..."

food + pic + pack + microwave [+ thing + to + fro + ding + dong +...]
sat waffer cards ["Would monsieur like an after dinner sat?  It's only waffer-thin!"]
nana visitor great body butt [butt NUTHIN!  that Star Trek babe's got a great body, PERIOD!]
low cholestorol diet [that's how Nana maintains her great body!]
pics 40 of old english 800 malt [low cholestorol, & if you get Nana drunk enough, you might get in her DS9 jumpsuit!]
free pic normale tits [normale? does that rhyme with tamale?  or mean "no male tits," meaning "- Marlon Brando"?
Nana has WAY ABOVE NORMAL tits!]
genetic smart bombs pics [we will drop these to make the Klingons find Nana unsexy, leaving her great body for us HUMANS!]
futurama naked pictures [NO!  no naked cartoon cyclops chix! ONLY naked NANA!  NO EXCEPTIONS!!]
dawn wells naked [ok, 1 exception.  2, if you count Alison Plumley]
shawt de tutti shawt [stop distracting me from thoughts of naked babes!]
mud shrip story
(Beverly Hillbillies music)
Lemme tell y'all a story bought a shrip named Mud,
A poor mountaineer that looks like Elmer Fudd.
Then 1 day he was shootin' at some food,
And then found a pic of Nana V. nude!
Trek hottie!
Bajoran bootie!
BUTT, that is!
The next thing you know, ole Mud's a horny shrip,
Beatin' off to Nana at a furious clip,
Surfin' the web for pics 1-handed, oh,
He lost his boner when he saw nude Brando!"
I don't normally quote whole news articles, but this is an even more random collection of words than any of the search requests:
SAMSULA, Fla. (March 12, 2001 9:51 a.m. EST http://www.nandotimes.com)
Wrestling aficionados may be used to ringside spectacles, but even the
most seasoned fans here were taken aback recently when a skydiver landed
on a beer vendor during the annual ladies' coleslaw wrestling event. 

Sherri Lee, 37, was carrying a tray of beer in a makeshift arena where
women wrestle in a pit of coleslaw, unaware that skydiver Clarence Swimm
was descending. 

Swimm, 56, an independent professional parachutist hired by the Cabbage
Patch bar, inadvertently landed on top of Lee. 

"I didn't even see her. It wasn't my fault," said Swimm, clearly shaken. 

Lee was hospitalized in serious but stable condition after her escape from
the nosh-pit Wednesday. 

She was one of several people injured during Bike Week, an annual
celebration of motorcycles and leather.

And more leather.  And horny coleslaw.  And pre-pubescent wrestling and stupid redneck drunken retards eating tuna
with trained monkeys with dildos on fire doing dogs with naked Nana Visitor & her seXXXy shrip butt.  In a Radio Shack!
I added some words, or did you notice? It'll be interesting to see what searches find THAT over the months...

3/19

I put "Updates every Mon & Thurs" on this last week, & haven't updated since.

Vote in the 1999 MiSTing Awards! If you're unsure who to vote for, here's a hint: It begins with "J" and ends in "e" and has "en Whit" in the middle. And rhymes with "Jen White." If you feel guilty about stuffing the ballot boxes...Look who's "Prezdent." Just pretend you're InJustice Scalia.

Tin Foil Hats enter the 21st Century. Only the dog seems to think it'll work.

3/20

Spri-i-i-innngggg...!

Hooray for the Vernal Equinox! Amazingly, the weather actually IS Springlike. I went for a walk in the woods today, which i haven't done since Anti-Election Day almost 6 freakin' months ago. It wasn't an easy walk, not with 3 inches of Slurpee still on the ground. And all the frozen dog poop. It was disspiriting to see so few trees with buds on them, but I was encouraged to find that the 1st true sign of Spring was there: baby skunk cabbages. In 6 weeks, all will be green, & there'll finally be birdsong other than damned skreaking crows. Can't waaaait.
Of course, tomorrow begins another 36-hour-long Nor'Easter.

Faster, Hello Kitty! Kill! Kill! If Kitsplut & Luna were in a Tarantino film, this is what they'd be packing. Maybe Govynda too, as she has an HK watch. But what would they be doing, smuggling limes & cherries & bootleg A.A. Milne books?

Faster, Kill Kill! Kill! Kill! I gave her a roll of cheap toilet paper to play with (how cheap? BIG LOTS!). I now eternally walk with TP stuck to my feet. Oh well, whatever makes her happy.

Want another KK shot? DUUUDE! Like the acid is so totally kickin' in! (No Photoshopping here, I have these prismy things in my windows)

How long has it been since I last saw KMDS? Put it this way: We exchanged Xmas gifts Sat. He's up to his neck in learning to be a Windows NT Admin, so socialization has been off his list. "I on page 75," he said of his 6th & final textbook. "Only 400 pages to go."
I got a sweet Princess Mononoke PVC ...thing. Action figure? Statue? I dunno, it's just cool. I had to put it on the turntable, so that it won't end up being a scratching post like my Iron Giant Animated Bank did. He got 2 Connie Francis LPs, a Jonathon Winters LP, a "Tony Spumoni" LP (Kevin's Italian), a pair of Alex Chiu Eternal Life rings, & The Turkish Wizard of Oz. Real mindfuck of a movie. It's almost a scene-for-scene ripoff of the 1939 MGM flick, but with production values measured in the negative numbers. The Wizard is a freaking skull on a tablecloth. They show his departure in the balloon by simply moving the camera down to make it look like he's rising (which he doesn't). Oz is a dollhouse in the long shots, & filmed in some Turkish ruins in the near shots. And there are no flying monkeys, just guys in Roman Empire uniforms. There is, however, a scene where the characters fight cavemen. Cavemen who have a go-go dancer among them.

"It's like tryin' to drink whiskey, from a bottle of wine":

frakes kool aid (huh?)
outback urine steak  (what??)
dad war shot groin (where?)
adam and eve fig leaves pic
inny belly button
sergio valez (who?)
pubescent skipper (which?)
yes i am a rocket scientist shirt (oh, no you ain't)
topless women hugging pictures ("Oh, picture!  I love you as much as I love my toplessness!")
bigget cock in the world (John Ashcroft?  No, wait, that'd be BIGOT cock)
missourri trailer trash (DOREEN! [only Kitty's gonna get that ref])
And the search of the moment is...
japan bush barf drug

3/21

Doncha love it when you put a bunch of CDs in the player, hit Random, & it immediately goes to your fave song out of all of them? (in this case, "The Last Human" by Tylervision)

Now...Let's get BLOGGY!

From Ribbit: "Although the paper handgun posed no immediate threat..." Ameriduh: Zero Tolerance for fake guns, 100% tolerance for the ones with bullets.

Bush to America: "You need more poison in your diet."

These are funny.

So are these.

Thanks to Karl for the page of the Star Wars guy with WAAAY too much time on his hands. This one's amusing.

I went to the same store that I found the Lucy Ozone book & found 1 in the same series! No Lucy drawings, thought it's written by O. Spurgeon English . There's a name that explains why he's authoring "Emotional problems of growing up." (how bad was his given name that Spurgeon seemed better?) May not be InExable, but for 25 cents it's worth it for this pic: "Just an algebra problem for most--An emotional problem for Bill." If this Bill were that Bill, I'd be more worried about my lycanthropy.


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