Are you an American, planning to visit the far-off and exotic land men call CANADA?
Don't feel ashamed that you know nothing of this Land of Mystery and Enchantment to the North--
NO AMERICAN DOES!
Here we have assembled a collection of
FUN FACTS and USEFUL TIPS
to aid you with dealing with the inscrutable Canadians!
POUTINE is FRENCH FRIES with GRAVY & CHEESE from QUEBEC where they speak GERMAN!
SUMMER in CANADA is when it stops snowing and there it's called JULY!
Canadian bacon is called BACK BACON because it's BACON sent BACK from AMERICAN factories because it LOOKS FUNNY!
CANADA is entirely made of SNOW and ROAD SAND!
There is a SECRET STRIP MINE in NEW BRUNSWICK that was dug to MINE FISH! When it failed, the GOVERNMENT in ONTARIO pretended that it was a city named MONCTON! Amazingly, MOST CANADIANS believe that this "city" named "Moncton" actually exists!
Contrary to popular American belief, today nearly 3 out of 10 Canadian households have WORKING TOILETS!
The ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTIES are neither ROYAL nor CANADIAN nor MOUNTED ON A PLAQUE! They are actually SMALL LITHUANIAN APES trained to sniff out DRUG SMUGGLERS! They wear the BRIGHT RED UNIFORMS to FOOL DRUG SMUGGLERS into thinking that they are only EMBARASSED!
The worst drug in CANADA is the dreaded POUTINE!
MOUNTIES have BIG HATS because there's a BOTTLE OF MOLSONS in there!
It is ILLEGAL to own a GUN in Canada! However, you are REQUIRED to own a SNOWMOBILE and a HAT WITH WOOLY EARFLAPS under PAIN of DEATH!
CANADIAN MASS MURDERERS usually target ELK!
In both AMERICA and CANADA, a "bus" is a cheap form of public transport. However, in CANADA, it is also used to transport HORDES OF RABID BABOONS to the SLAUGHTERHOUSE to make POUTINE! Make sure you know which bus is which before boarding!
In CANADA, it is ILLEGAL to SET A PERSON ON FIRE, yet LEGAL to put that SAME FIRE OUT, which is the EXACT OPPOSITE of AMERICAN law!
CANADIANS don't have a PRESIDENT! They have a "PRIME RIB"!
In CANADA, the capitol is called "Ottawa" because "Washington DC" was already taken!
August Ninth, 1978, was the last time a Canadian got naked, EVEN IN THE SHOWER!
There's a city in SASKATCHEWAN named MOOSE JAW! Do you believe that shit? What's up with that anyway??
In CANADA it is illegal to own an SUV! Also a TV! Also, HOSPITALS cannot give you IVs! This is because CANADIANS HATE INITIALS!
When in Montreal, make friends by asking every passerby "Hey, Frenchy, where's the Eiffel Tower?"
Canadians do NOT pronounce "About" as if it were "Aboot"! In fact, the Canadian language DOES NOT HAVE THE WORD "ABOUT"! If a CANADIAN says "aboot," he probably means "a large shoe."
When dried in the sun, POUTINE makes a great DRIVEWAY SEALANT PATCH!
CANADIAN "TELLY" ("TV" to AMERICANS) contains 24 hours of programming without ANY ACTUAL ENTERTAINMENT!
It is ILLEGAL in Canada to use the letter "O" without putting a "U" after it! (As in "Colour" or "Poutine" or "Filthy Whoure")
In the 1680s FRANCE transported from Europe to Canada in small fragile ships with valiant crews EVERY LAST BIT OF DIRT NOW IN QUEBEC!
If you want to get the full attention of a waiter in MONTREAL, it's customary to speak in their native GERMAN and yell "Hey garcon whose tete is made of MERDE!" and throw a FORK at him. DO NOT THROW A SPOON--this is considered an insult!
Always remind Canadians that "If it weren't for AMERICA you'd all be speaking RUSSIAN!" even if it's not technically true or even insane.
If a Canadian complains about AMERICA, scream "Margaret Trudeau was a SLUT!" and smile triumphantly at his baffled silence.
The WOODCHUCK is a TERRESTRIAL DAY-ACTIVE ANIMAL, and a denizen of SNOWY CLIMES!
"French Toast" is neither FRENCH nor TOAST nor involves Canada in ANY WAY!
EVERY HOCKEY FAN in Canada is TOTALLY GAY! If you don't believe me, walk up to one after his TEAM HAS LOST THE GAME and HE'S DRUNK, and say "I hear you and the Leafs are SO TOTALLY GAY!" If he beats you to a BLOODY PULP, that just PROVES IT!
CANADIANS have a GOVERNMENT-SPONSORED HEALTH CARE PLAN that WORKS!
The average American "Happy Meal" could feed a Canadian family of nine for a MONTH!
In Canada, GERBILS are called CARIBOU!
TORONTO is really in MICHIGAN!
What an AMERICAN calls a "TREE" a CANADIAN calls a "TREE"! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!?!
In an average month, a CANADIAN makes TEN TIMES what the average AMERICAN makes! However, they are paid in CANADIAN BEAVER PELTS, so in real terms they actually make LESS than their own BEAVERS do!
Every Canadian is given a radioactive MAPLE LEAF TATTOO right on their FOREHEAD so that the EVIL OVERLORDS in ONTARIO can TRACK them! But it's only visible if you're from ONTARIO!
If you go ANYWHERE in the WORLD and say "I'm from CANADA" instead of "I'm from AMERICA" you're 900% less likely to be KILLED!
Every fact AMERICANS know about CANADA was learned on the back of CEREAL BOXES! ALL American CEREAL BOXES are REQUIRED to include facts about CANADA! So if a CANADIAN asks you "What do you know about CANADA?" it is an acceptable response to say "You contain 190mg of SODIUM!"
AMERICANS should never go to CANADA during a FULL MOON, as 57% of the population are LYCANTHROPES!
In QUEBEC, where they speak GERMAN, "lycanthropes" are called "Loup Garoooooooooo!!" after the howling noise made by WOLFMEN! (or, as the Germans say, "L'Homme du Frommage")
In the wind-swept Atlantic Territories of the Atlantic, the dreaded lycanthropes are not wolves but the vicious FISH-MEN of NEWFOUNDLAND. In the cold light of the full moon, they turn into VICIOUS FISH, which just sort of flop around on the pier & die.
The province named NEWFOUNDLAND is named NEWFOUNDLAND because Canada LOST IT in the 1960s then found it again only a few months ago. Before that it was called LAND.
Know what's great fun? (or as the "Quebecois" or "German Canadiennes" say, "Le Grand Goof") Drop both a CANADIAN quarter and an AMERICAN quarter in traffic and see which one the locals will chase!
Avoid sewer gratings! There are fearsome creatures called POUTINE that live inside!
August 24th is called USA DAY in CANADA! On that day, all the local laws are replaced with AMERICAN LAWS! It is a joyous time when the streets run RED with BLOOD! Best to schedule your vacation visit for another day.
If you go to WINNEPEG, ask people if they know a GUY NAMED "CHUCK"! He owes me money.
CANADIANS are religious and worship CRUSTACIA the LOBSTER GOD!
Amazing as it sounds, CANADIANS DO NOT EAT THEIR YOUNG!!
CANADIANS eat AMERICAN YOUNG! Keep your children on a leash!
I saw a MONKEY once! It was SO KEWL!
It is called POUTINE because when they called it BROWN BLOBBY PILE no one would EAT IT!
NIAGARA FALLS IS A LIE! It's really a HUGE CANADIAN FAUCET.
NO CANADIAN ALIVE will dare tell you the secret of why the CANADIAN NICKEL has the QUEEN on one side and a BEAVER on the other!
Most CANADIANS are FRIENDLY and PLEASANT to SPEAK WITH.
CANADA is NOT part of AMERICA, it is part of NORTH AMERICA, which, like SOUTH AMERICA, means WE OWN IT ANYWAY!
Little know fact: NAFTA requires all CANADIANS to emigrate to GREENLAND in 2002 so AMERICA can bring in MEXICANS THAT WORK CHEAPER! So GET PACKIN', CANADA!!
And buy yourself a FLANNEL SOMBRERO, Pedro!
©2001 Bill Young