Week of 1/23/00:
Guardian Angels Watch Over Me & My Toilet Paper
This ad was in last week's Stop & Shop flyer...Ahh, memories...
In '92 I was unemployed for a lo-o-o-ong time. There was but nought to do, save watch cartoons on TV. It really annoyed me that as I flipped through the channels to find them, 1 desperate-for-cash independent station had started showing the dreaded 700 Club. '92 was an election year, and 1 candidate was 700's dark lord, Pat Robertson. Sure, I woulda voted for him if he was just honest enough to run for Ayatollah of the Theocracy, just like I woulda voted for Pat Buchanan if he ran for Fuehrer, or Perot if he went for Big Chief Nutball. It filled me with cranky animosity that the Club was basically a legal fund-raising/propaganda drive for Pat, and the Hell-On-Earth Fundamentalist government he would create if elected.
He'd send America back to the 50s, and I mean the 1650s.
Then 1 day I'm sittin' on the toilet, and something that periodically bugged me whilst thereupon placed came front & center to my mind. What is that symbol embossed on "Angel Soft" toilet tissue? Ohhh, goes I--It's some kind of stylized angel! Man, Georgia Pacific's gonna get some deranged hate mail over that!
HEY--Why not from me?
Dear George Pacific; I am on a limited buget and must buy what I can when its on sail. So recently I was buy your Angel Soft toilet paper brand name. Imagine if you can my shock to discover the paper actally had pictures of Angels up on it!! I angryly am refusing to wipe myself with pictures of Our Lord Gods servants!! I supose next you will be putting picturs of Pat robertson up on them!! Or our gloryous American flag and calling them "The Stars And Wipes"!! I am suggesting you not and instead put pictures of Bill Rodham Clinton and [here I tried to think of some really nonthreatening stuff that somewhere, somehow, some senile wobble-brain might still find offensive] Canada draft dodgers and the Muppets on them!! That would make us haters of Satan happy and cleaned!! I hope you will be responding to my charges!! Yours most sinserely, Will Young
I kept the incoherence restrained just enough that the customer service people would:
They responded as I thought they would--A letter of apology with some 50 cents off coupons, as if that would inspire Crazy Guy to but the TP of Satan. Of course, that's just what I did: Waited till Edwards had Angel Soft mega-packs on sale for $1.50, then went in with a triple coupon...I had free toilet paper for 3 years.
(note: I went to Stop & Shop this week to buy a roll for the InExOb, and discovered that the paper no longer has the pattern! The apologetic letter described the pattern as a "bow," but maybe I was on to some derango mindset, and was only one of a holy mountain of psychoChristian complaints of people thinking they were being "Wiped By An Angel.")
Man, I was so proud of that "Muppets" crack--The Muppets are totally inoffensive, but I knew, out there somewhere, there were crazed, bitter old men who thought Sesame Street was the work of Lucifer.
About 2 months later the religious right--with Pat Robertson at the helm--declared that Bert & Ernie were really meant to be a gay couple, and that the evil PBS deliberately put them on Sesame Street to warp young minds.
Gay sock puppets?! Felt with ping pong ball eyes has sexual orientation? And who would want sex with a sock puppet, anyhoo? You know you'll never get anything but a hand job.
Jesus Is Back! At Last!
Maybe now we can find out what toilet paper he uses!
©2000 Bill Young