INEXPLICABLE OBJECT OF THE WEEK


Week of 10/24/99:

WEEK 80

FASTER, JONNY KATZ! KILL! KILL!
A Play in Four Acts

ACT ONE

(Scene: The Katz Household)

JONNY: Uh, Mom...Mr Fluffernutter's had...an accident.

MRS KATZ: What?! AGAIN?! Jonny, this is the fifth hamster of yours that's died this week! There's something seriously wrong here, little mister, something seriously wrong!

JONNY (nervously): Uhh....

MRS KATZ: ...meaning, it's obvious that the pet store is selling defective merchandise! I'm not buying any more small animals from them!

JONNY: W-what?? N-no more little friends--to give as "gifts"?! But then--without the gifts--They will be back--!

DARK DEMONIC VOICES IN JONNY'S HEAD: HA! HA! HA! Jonny, where are our GIFTS?! We need GIFTS, Jonny!

JONNY: N-nooo! Mommy took my little friends away! Get out of my head! Can't I just go back to burning ants with a magnifying glass?

VOICES: Have you looked in Daddy's sock drawer lately?

JONNY: WOW! A couple of 9-mm Glocks! With 22-round magazines and no trigger locks!

VOICES: HA! HA! HA!

ACT TWO

(Scene: Kip Kinkel Grade School, the next day)

JONNY: Hey, Brillo Head! You're head's like...uhh...Brillo! Now, I kill you!

BOBBY: JESUS FKING CHRIST! I'VE BEEN SHOT!!

JONNY: AWWWE-SOME! I'm never going back to hamsters again!

JESSICA: Wow! Thrill-killing is NEAT-O! Let's play "Natural Born Killers" and go on a cross-playground shooting spree!

ACT THREE

(Scene: St Vitus Children's Hospital, 18 months of intense physical therapy later)

BOBBY: Isn't this great?! They had to remove my right lung and amputate my legs, but after 18 months of intense physical therapy, I can move my arms THIS much!!
Gee, I wonder what happened to Jonny, after they tried him as an adult?...

ACT FOUR

(Scene: Tim Allen Maximum Security Prison)

BIG OTTO: "Jonny," huh? Well, forget that! From now on your name is BITCH!!

VOICES: HA! HA! HA!

THE END

Remember:
Invisible Ink Guns don't kill people.
Real guns do.


Inexplicable Links of the Week

And Moses spaketh: You knowest, I didst not have mine head screweth on right during that Sixth Commandment. Tis overuled by the Second Amendment. BRINGEST UNTO ME A BLOOD SACRIFICE!
Preferably five, from four different American ethnic groups.


What, you need more proof Ameri-duh is a fucked-up country?


Objects from Previous Weeks

Objects from Previous Weeks


1999 Bill Young