Week of 4/11/99:


Fridge Magnet Warning

OH NO! In the process of Seeing I also Touched!
I'm not facing jail time for this, am I?

In an odd stroke of synchronicity, on the same day I was purchasing this magnet in a dollar store in Vermont, a nice lady named ImpIosion sent me some Internet flotsam on the same subject...

Further examples of why the human race has
probably evolved as far as possible:

*** Actual label instructions on consumer goods ***

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dove soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we just 
kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

Inexplicable Link of the Week

"Tunnel vision is a trait driven into us from childhood."--Teenmania

The Beautiful State of Texas

Hmm, that's odd...They've changed the URL since I put it here.
You can find it here, but it was funnier when the gifs would load.

No, wait, now it's a few days later & the gifs are up. Man, this is a lot of work.
What are these people, humorless?

Okay, I give up, Oh Mighty Teenmania! Every time I linkest to thou, you change the URL. G*darn, am I this much of a threat? Naah...I'm overrating myself.
Still...The page scares me.

"With the eyes of the world looking on,
over 70,000 teenagers shamelessly declared that the
standard of this age can not and will not
dictate who they are and who they are to
become. Proclaimed by a resounding battle cry,
a revolution was born."
I must've missed the news that day.
"Shameless Teenagers with the eyes of the world looking on"
It's a PORN site!!

*okay*, it isn't. It just sounds like one. It's really deeply disturbing.
I mean, "deeply spiritual."
The upper left & lower right pictures indicate that God made man in the image of a mime.

I at least wish they'd left up the "job opportunites" page, where you discovered that you could be lucky enough to work full-time for them (in their Beautiful State of Texas minimum-security-prison-looking "campus") and YOU'D pay THEM for the privilege...
$600 a month, as I recall.

Objects from Previous Weeks

Objects from Previous Weeks

1999 Bill Young