Week of 3/11/01:
In 1951, this is as close to the opposite sex you could legally get before marriage.
I can imagine the boner this kid has right now. But it's 1951! What can he do about it?
Hopefully, this isn't the first ad in the magazine he saw.
One of the cover stories is titled inside the magazine "Noted Deep-Sea Diver Explores Treacherous Jungle Eutopia."
I expected it to be subtitled "Sweats to Death in Diving Suit; Magazine Editor Wishes They'd Invent The Spell Checker."
I assume that a "Eutopia" is just like a regular Utopia, except all treacherous & jungly & stuff. Although it sounds to me more like a bankrupt dot-com.
I'm only interested in one side of the next picture, but I had to include both sides in order to prove that I'm not making up the caption.
Oh boy, what a honey of a game that freakin' Aim-A-Slinky is. Just look at the childlike joy on the kid's face. What he really wanted was his own ATOMIC LAB! "But Da-a-ad!" he whines, "Jimmy across the street already has his own weapons grade plutonium!"
And what's the perfect match for the Oppenheimer Jr Atomic Lab?
Your own Geiger Counter!!
"Wow, Mom! You've taken 600 Roentgens from my leaky Hasbro Atom Smasher! Guess I won't be getting a baby brother after all!"
Hey, clowns were even scarier 50 years ago than they are today!
The kids look gleeful, but that's only because they've had a hit off of Crackheadio the Clown's comical novelty pipe.
Now here's knowledge that you take to the fucking bank.
Someday your home will be invaded by a horde of deadly hogs, and you'll be cursing yourself that your only protection is your pet pit viper. Better invest in a hog-eating hungry, hungry hippo instead.
If you're wondering why a frog would need to wear swim fins, read #1 in the Fantastic Offer. Personally, I wonder why he's wearing a catcher's mitt.
Note the clenched fist and the gleam of madness in Frankie's eyes...
"THANK YOU for the double amputation, filthy human! Let Frankie teach you the supreme sport of spearfishing--PERSONALLY!
There's nothing quite like an Xmas gift of a candy bar to tell someone "I'm dimly aware of your existence as a human being"!
"Oh, THANKS, Mrs Jones! I only lug 40 pounds of mail here using my anti-ergonomically-designed backpack every day! Hey, I got you a gift too! I personally soaked all your mail in the post office urinal, and changed your name on all your magazine subscriptions to 'Cross-Eyed Bitch'!"
How appetizing. Are the bow-tied droolers looking at the pan, or the chef's crotch?
If you're wondering how to make Nutburgers, here's step one:
Moral of today's object: In 50 years, everything we're doing today will look stupid.
INEXPLICABLE LINK OF WEEK
Actually, things from 25 years ago look pretty stupid already.
Objects from Previous Weeks
©2001 Bill Young