Week of 2/18/01:
Okay, that picture's a fake.
Akaiko Nozomi made it.
Our real Object this week is a 1948 SPAM cookbook called "253 Food Ideas by Hormel." And you're going to wish that it's a lie, too.
"Hunger is the best sauce," says the cookbook. Actually, you'd probably have to starve to the point where you'd eat your own foot before you'd chow down on any of these recipes.
"Cooking meals can be a chore...Or it can be a fresh, new challenge every day--a challenge to keep your children saying, 'Nobody can cook like Mom!'"
Picture yourself going to school, and opening your He-Man lunchbox (wait, it's 1948--It'd be a Harry S Tru-Man lunchbox) and finding that Mom had packed you a PB & S sandwich. Peanut Butter and SPAM. And pickles & "snappy mustard." I can picture you saying "Nobody can cook like Mom!" Through painful, broken sobs.
"Hormel ham creamed in buttercups" sounds like a line from a dirty limerick.
I'm guessing that "creamed" was 40s slang for "vomited."
Don't wait for a wedding to serve this shit! Use it to drive away unwanted roommates, or terrify small children!
Mmm, mmm! Brains a la Lecter, complete with gaping exit wounds oozing fresh pus! Have another slice, Clarice!
It's actually SPAM with "Spanish sauce" and jelly.
I include the next because if I don't show a picture, no one would believe that it exists.
It's always spelled SPAM in this cookbook. So not only did Hormel invent the name of the curse of email, they also invented typing in ALL CAPS. I think SueSpammers.org is going after the wrong people.
1 recipe calls for a whole chicken. That sounds pretty normal. The chicken looked a mite scrawny, which I assumed was because they weren't pumping chickens with steroids back then. But it had a funny color, too...
WHOLE CHICKEN, in the CAN.
It's 1948! These people have the Atom Bomb, but they haven't figured out that it's WRONG to put a chicken with the bones still in it in a CAN?
What's it packed in, rifle grease?
Of course, this cookbook also mentions that new-fangled invention, sliced bread. "Yeah, we thought we'd invent the jet engine before tackling the tricky problem of bread slicing."
Ahh, Rhino Anus with a side of Dysentery!
This kinda looks like a grade-school volcano for the Science Fair, but the kid had no papier mache or baking soda.
"I give you--DIARRHEA, East of Java!
KRAKATOA! I meant Krakatoa!"
There are far worse things in this world than SPAM...
1: DON'T EAT IT!
2: Keep a can of Hormel Tongue in your car, and when drivers flip you off, fling it out the window! Believe me, even a flaming sack of monkey crap is less traumatic than a can of TONGUES exploding through your windshield!
3: Hey, teen gals, ever have a date that's just a wee bit too horny? Ask him to close his eyes before kissing, then let him french one of THESE! (it's best to have a ride home ready first)
4: Fill your mouth with catchup and give a big tongue to your neighbor's dog. While his dog's chewing, pound on his window and point at the dog and your mouth while making horrified "MMMPH! MMMPH!!" noises.
5: Make a big bowl of Kraft Macaroni & Tongue! Yes, that recipe's in the book, too. And Hormel named it "Luscious." What, is that the tongue's idea of what itself tastes like?
6: Serve this...
JELLO MOLD WITH TONGUE!!
Drop it on the table and watch it wiggle and glimmer...watch the tongues lapping back and forth in their glistening prison...Clarice!!
What Hormel Tongue needs is a cute corporate mascot to appeal to the kids! Let's all sing the Magic Jingle!
"Who's your friend with the olive green eyes?
Who's the guy who's a dinner surprise?
Who's Wobbly, Who's Slimy,
Who has that special smell-o?"
"It's TONGUEY, the friendly specialty meat Jello!"
"Guh-lub! Hiii, kids! Tonguey can't get enough of the taste of tongue! How bout YOU? Guh-LUB!"
The orders for Tonguey merchandise will soon be pouring in!
INEXPLICABLE LINK OF THE WEEK
All Your Base Are Belong To Us
Objects from Previous Weeks
©2001 Bill Young