Week of 12/24/00:
The Day After Christmas
Is it just me, or does he look completely smashed and about 30 seconds away from tossing his cookies and milk all over eight tiny reindeer?
Twas the day after Christmas, and up at the Pole, All had been trashed by some drunken asshole. Empty bottles were strewn all over the place; It was clear that someone had gotten shit-faced. There in the snow lay a man clad all in red, Puking up sugar-plums and holding his head. With a coat caked with vomit and reeking of booze, Hung-over Santa now awoke from his snooze. Then from the toyshop arose such a ruckus, Santa heard the elves yelling "OH, FUCK US! That drunken old bastard has done it at last!" Santa tried to move, but just threw up the sash. "He works one day a year," he heard the elves roar, "He's too drunk to work the next 364! "We slave in his sweatshop to make all the toys, "While old fatso goes out and drinks with the boys!" With head-spinning nausea, memories came quick; The volume of drinking had left Santa sick. Delivering toys had created a thirst; Next year he won't visit Ed McMahon first! "Have CUERVO! Have SMIRNOFF!" Ed McMahon said, "Have JIM BEAM, have POPOV, have JOHN WALKER RED! "Chug some ICEHOUSE and twelve cans of HIGH LIFE! "Here's BREATH MINTS for when you return to the wife!" Santa tried to recall just what happened next, But it was all a blur; it left him quite vexed! He groggily saw an elf looking most pissed-- He feared that he would now learn what he had missed. "You crazy old drunk!" shouted Hermie the Elf. "If I were Santa, I'd be killing myself! "Want to know how you messed up Christmas last night?!" Santa knew that this story really would bite. "Want me to list the screw-ups, each one and all? "You gave Steven J. Hawking a basketball! "The wife of Hugh Grant got a trip to a whore! "A Best Acting Oscar you gave Pauly Shore!" "Drunk-driving your sled, you bobbed and you weaved, "Then sent David Duke's gifts straight to Tel Aviv! "You were so smashed on whiskey, sherry and port, "You gave Dubya Bush a gift-wrapped Supreme Court!" Then Hermie smirked, "Don't wanna reprimand ya, "But you gave Hanson to some guy from NAMBLA! "And PLEASE ask yourself next Christmas Eve's night, "'Who the hell wants the gift of Jerry Van Dyke?!'" "Remember London, and your visits there? "You stuck fruitcake in Prince Charles ears on a dare! "With your beer-goggles on, you drunken old bum, "Next morn you awoke to a naked Queen Mum!" "OH CHRIST!" screamed Santa, "My whole sex life is ruined! "I thought she was a beanbag chair made from a prune! "I need a long shower, I need it real quick!" Said Hermie, "Don't Drink and Give Presents, Saint Nick." "I've learned my lesson!" Santa said looking sour, "I'll not drink again! Ummm, at least not for hours." And true to his word, Santa boozed not that day; As he spent it all driving the Porcelain Sleigh!
INEXPLICABLE LINK OF THE WEEK
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©2000 Bill Young