INEXPLICABLE OBJECT OF THE WEEK

Week of 12/10/00:

WEEK 139

Talk About Pop Muzik

American cultural arbiters and corporate media whores MTV and Rolling Stone magazine recently released a bizarre list alleging to be
The Top 100 Pop Songs of All Time.
While I agree with them that Eminem, N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys are destined for musical immortality, I'll bet that if this list had come out 10 years ago it would've included 2 Live Crew, MC Hammer and Tiffany.

There's so much utter crap on that list that it could also function as the Worst Pop Songs of All Time. Here I present a few they missed:

THE BOTTOM DOZEN POP SONGS OF ALL TIME

12
Olivia Newton John, "Physical"

There was a period where the was no escape from this song. It was always on the radio. It was always played on the grocery store Muzak. It was blasted from passing cars. If you went to pee, your tinkle played the melody & the toilet flushed the tune. At the same time, The Human League released a song called "The Black Hit of Space," about a song that "Got to Number One/ Then entered minus figures...The Black Hit of Space/ Sucking in the Human Race/How can it stay at the top/ When it's swallowed all the shops?"
I always thought that it was about "Physical."

11
Eddie Murphy, "Party All The Time"

Why do actors want to be singers, & singers actors? For every Sinatra or Prince that's not-horrible on screen, there's a Tony Bennett (whose acting in "The Oscar" was so leaden he appeared to be the title character), or a Vanilla Ice in "Cool As Ice." Okay, so Vanilla Ice wasn't a singer either. In fact, I just changed my mind. Eddie Murphy was merely the anti-Shatner. William Shatner shrieking "MR TAMBOURINE MAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!" is a memory I couldn't remove without a pipe through my brain. Eddie just sounded like he was asthmatic, & ready to pass out halfway through every stanza. He also made the lyric sound like "My girl wants to potty all the time," like she had diarrhea.
No, let's make this

Vanilla Ice, "Ice Ice Baby"

The only thing that made the song an undeserved hit was the bit he ripped from "Under Pressure." "Oh no," said Mr Ice, "'Under Pressure' goes 'bow dow dow da dah dow dow,' mine goes 'bow dow dow da dah dow dow dow'." Uh huh. Obviously different.


10
"The Rolling Stones, "Under My Thumb"

I'd give Mick a fat lip, but someone beat me to it


People say, "You're either a Beatles fan, or a Stones fan." I would phrase it "You're either a Beatles fan, or a retard." If it came down to a battle of wits between the Beatles & the Stones, the Beatles could all leave except for Ringo & they'd still win. It wouldn't matter if it was a contest to build a rocket to Mars or finish a game of Candyland, they'd win. The Beatles are known for musical innovation; the Stones are known for Keith's blood transfusions. The only musically interesting thing the Stones ever did was the vibe part at the beginning of this song. So they made sure to make the lyrics a load of misogynistic slime just to cancel that out.


9
Celine Dion & Barbra Streisand, "Our Horrible Duet"


2 banshees from different generations of Utter Shit redefine the concept of "Duet." Here "Duet" means "Screaming Match." Half the lyrics are in English, but the rest are in Diva, a language where every word sounds like "HUWAUUGHAAAHHHAUUUGHHHOOOUUUUHHH!"
Best bit: When Babs sings "whisper" & Celine echoes "WHIIIIISPAAAAAUUGGHHHHOOUHHH!" at the top of her bottomless lungs.
Someone, please, maroon them on a rocky, fog-bound island, so that their melodic yowling can warn ships not to run aground on the reef.


8
Michael Bolton, "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay"


This is the musical equivalent of the TV-movie remake of "Casablanca," when the Bogart role was essayed by the Blonde Guy from "Starsky & Hutch." Did you know that Otis Redding died the day after he recorded that song? Maybe he had a vision of the future showing him Bolton's cover, & it killed him.
Tip to future singers: Before you try covering a Soul classic, try having some actual Soul of your own. Having a bowl of oatmeal like Michael Bolton sing this would be like having a heavy metal song performed by Pat Boone.


7
Pat Boone, "Holy Diver"


If you were a nice guy, you wouldn't've released THIS

Thought I was KIDDING, huh?!
Yes, Pat Boone recorded a CD of metal covers, including this Dio tune (the "holy diver," according to Dio's cover art, is a priest bound in chains being drowned while Satan watches).

Memorable for: Worst Concept Album Concept Ever; Pat's appearance on Space Ghost Coast to Coast trying to promote this thing (at 1 point Space Ghost says "It's fiber-licious" but, surprisingly, he's not talking about Pat's music), & a memory from the End of Days at Lechmere. This was a department store chain that I worked for as record dept manager when the CD came out. We'd been bought by Internationally Known Incompetent Fuckwads Montgomery Ward, a company so insanely stoopit that they allowed the ORDERING for the music dept to be done by the LABEL REPS. Do you think that MCA was going to encourage them to buy music that would sell, or crap that no one else could believe was even made?
Every Lechmere got 1 or 2 30-CD cases of this thing. We sold NONE. The pro-Boone/pro-Satan demographic turned out to be exceedingly low.

Have a listen to Pat's headbanging

Why come out of retirement just to offend the shriveled grannies who listened to your music 40 years ago? It'd be like George Martin limping out of the nursing home to release a CD of Beatles' songs recorded by tin-eared celebrities.


6
George Martin, "A Hard Day's Night"


The torture never stops, huh? If you've ever wanted to hear Jim Carrey slaughter "I Am the Walrus," or Sean Connery mumble his way through "In My Life," or Robin Williams try to sing ANYTHING, here's your cup of death.
The...highlight...is still Goldie Hawn's version of this song. "I should be sleeping like a log," she says, and adds a SNORE noise. No, Goldie, you should be "dying like a dog."

The 5th Wheel

"I was thinking, John--
Instead of you being the Walrus, it could be Jimmie J.J. Walker! Instead of 'Goob-goob-a-joob' he'd sing 'DY-NO-MIIITE!' John? John? Are you listening to me?"


5
Sugar Ray, "That Stupid Overplayed Song that Sounds Like They're Making It Up On The Spot & They're All Stoned & It Really Sucks."


I think that's the name.


4
"Dude look like a LAY-DAAY!! Dude look like a LAY-DAAY!!"


3
The Righteous Brothers, "Rock & Roll Heaven"


The King Dying On His Throne gif is from Minipops

This is the song where all the deceased 60s & 70s singers go to *HEAVEN* & form a band. Sort of like the Archies, except dead.
"If there's a Rock & Roll Heaven/You know we've got a hell of a band!"
Jimi Hendrix, Jim Croce & Bobby Darin in the same band would most definitely NOT be heaven. What would they play, "Is You Is Or Is You Not Bad Bad Leroy Brown the Knife"?
I thought rock music was inherently Satanic anyway. They should be in Rock & Roll Hell.
"Over there's Jimi, eternally choking on his own puke/There's a big fat psychotic Elvis, have you got a TV set he can shoot?"
Darin could sing, "Splish splash, I was takin' a bath/In a bottomless pit of my filth!"

The song also includes the dumbest line ever: "Remember 'Bad Bad Leroy Brown'? Jimmy touched us with that song." Ahh, yes, who could fail to be moved by a tender and touching ballad about the barroom knifing of a pimp.


2
That Guy, then 40 years later that Other Guy, "Last Kiss"


You know the one..."Oh where oh where can my baby be/ The Lord took her away from me."
The Lord is a BASTARD! He killed that guy's girlfriend! Then, he killed that other guy's girlfriend! Why isn't there a nationwide deityhunt going on for Him? Stop God before He kills again!

I'm really not so much against this song as I'm against the whole early-60s Dead Teenager Genre. So the blame really goes to the dork who decided to revive it. Hey, Goth is already filling that demographic need!

All Dead Teen Genre songs suck, including the originator, "Leader of the Pack":

    The Leader hits on the girl at the candy store. I guess that there was a neighborhood watch going on at the playground.

    The girl's friends at daycare ask her "By the way, where'd you meet him?" the day after he DIES. And she tells the whole story, instead of screaming "He's DEAD DEAD DEAD! Look at my poodle skirt! That's not a poodle, it's his ENTRAILS!"

    The sound of the Leader dying is supposed to be a crashing motorcycle, but the sound effect is more like a dump truck filled with scrap metal slamming into an M1 tank.

    "LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OUT!!!!"
    SPLAT!!
    HAHAHAHA!! That always makes me laff!!

And the Worst Pop Song of All Time is:


1
Dan Hill, "Sometimes When We Touch"


Mix me a Molotov!

NO, DAN! DON'T SHOW US! DON'T!!

I suppose that whiny, self-pitying neurotic co-dependents need love songs too, but why do I have to listen to it in line at the supermarket? "I want to hold you till I die," whimpers CthulHill, and I'd like to do just that. I'd be holding his neck.

If you want a sample of this atrocity, click here. Yes, it's a Real Audio file that sounds like an AM radio that's been thrown in a toilet. But that's fitting, I think.


HONORABLE MENTION:
Patrick MacNee and Honor Blackman, "Kinky Boots"


Extraordinary crimes against the people and the state

Reading the MTV Top 100, my reaction broke down like this:

    10% of the songs I would listen to if they came on the radio.
    10% I would switch stations if I could easily reach the radio dial.
    15% I would get up to change the station.
    20% I would jump over furniture and knock people down to change the station.
    20% I would change the station by hitting the radio with a fire axe.
    25% I would burn the radio station down.

"Kinky Boots" has a different feel. It doesn't invoke revulsion, but a blank-eyed stare of "They thought that this was a good idea??"

It's done by the pre-Mrs Peel Avengers, one of whom can barely sing, and one who doesn't try. The lyrics are intensely goofy, and about ...umm, some English boot crisis of the 60s. Near the end MacNee begins channeling spirit voices. It has a car-crash fascination to it.

Here's a Quicktime file you can hear.


INEXPLICABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

The Beatles: Best Band in the Marvel Universe


Objects from Previous Weeks

Objects from Previous Weeks



2000 Bill Young