Week of 12/10/00:
Talk About Pop Muzik
There's so much utter crap on that list that it could also function as the Worst Pop Songs of All Time. Here I present a few they missed:
Olivia Newton John, "Physical"
People say, "You're either a Beatles fan, or a Stones fan." I would phrase it "You're either a Beatles fan, or a retard." If it came down to a battle of wits between the Beatles & the Stones, the Beatles could all leave except for Ringo & they'd still win. It wouldn't matter if it was a contest to build a rocket to Mars or finish a game of Candyland, they'd win. The Beatles are known for musical innovation; the Stones are known for Keith's blood transfusions. The only musically interesting thing the Stones ever did was the vibe part at the beginning of this song. So they made sure to make the lyrics a load of misogynistic slime just to cancel that out.
Thought I was KIDDING, huh?!
Yes, Pat Boone recorded a CD of metal covers, including this Dio tune (the "holy diver," according to Dio's cover art, is a priest bound in chains being drowned while Satan watches).
Memorable for: Worst Concept Album Concept Ever; Pat's appearance on Space Ghost Coast to Coast trying to promote this thing (at 1 point Space Ghost says "It's fiber-licious" but, surprisingly, he's not talking about Pat's music), & a memory from the End of Days at Lechmere. This was a department store chain that I worked for as record dept manager when the CD came out. We'd been bought by Internationally Known Incompetent Fuckwads Montgomery Ward, a company so insanely stoopit that they allowed the ORDERING for the music dept to be done by the LABEL REPS. Do you think that MCA was going to encourage them to buy music that would sell, or crap that no one else could believe was even made?
Every Lechmere got 1 or 2 30-CD cases of this thing. We sold NONE. The pro-Boone/pro-Satan demographic turned out to be exceedingly low.
Have a listen to Pat's headbanging
Why come out of retirement just to offend the shriveled grannies who listened to your music 40 years ago? It'd be like George Martin limping out of the nursing home to release a CD of Beatles' songs recorded by tin-eared celebrities.
"I was thinking, John--
Instead of you being the Walrus, it could be Jimmie J.J. Walker! Instead of 'Goob-goob-a-joob' he'd sing 'DY-NO-MIIITE!' John? John? Are you listening to me?"
This is the song where all the
deceased 60s & 70s singers go to *HEAVEN* & form a band. Sort of like the Archies, except dead.
"If there's a Rock & Roll Heaven/You know we've got a hell of a band!"
Jimi Hendrix, Jim Croce & Bobby Darin in the same band would most definitely NOT be heaven. What would they play, "Is You Is Or Is You Not Bad Bad Leroy Brown the Knife"?
I thought rock music was inherently Satanic anyway. They should be in Rock & Roll Hell.
"Over there's Jimi, eternally choking on his own puke/There's a big fat psychotic Elvis, have you got a TV set he can shoot?"
Darin could sing, "Splish splash, I was takin' a bath/In a bottomless pit of my filth!"
The song also includes the dumbest line ever: "Remember 'Bad Bad Leroy Brown'? Jimmy touched us with that song." Ahh, yes, who could fail to be moved by a tender and touching ballad about the barroom knifing of a pimp.
I'm really not so much against this song as I'm against the whole early-60s Dead Teenager Genre. So the blame really goes to the dork who decided to revive it. Hey, Goth is already filling that demographic need!
All Dead Teen Genre songs suck, including the originator, "Leader of the Pack":
The girl's friends at daycare ask her "By the way, where'd you meet him?" the day after he DIES. And she tells the whole story, instead of screaming "He's DEAD DEAD DEAD! Look at my poodle skirt! That's not a poodle, it's his ENTRAILS!"
The sound of the Leader dying is supposed to be a crashing motorcycle, but the sound effect is more like a dump truck filled with scrap metal slamming into an M1 tank.
"LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OUT!!!!"
HAHAHAHA!! That always makes me laff!!
Dan Hill, "Sometimes When We Touch"
NO, DAN! DON'T SHOW US! DON'T!!
I suppose that whiny, self-pitying neurotic co-dependents need love songs too, but why do I have to listen to it in line at the supermarket? "I want to hold you till I die," whimpers CthulHill, and I'd like to do just that. I'd be holding his neck.
If you want a sample of this atrocity, click here. Yes, it's a Real Audio file that sounds like an AM radio that's been thrown in a toilet. But that's fitting, I think.
Reading the MTV Top 100, my reaction broke down like this:
"Kinky Boots" has a different feel. It doesn't invoke revulsion, but a blank-eyed stare of "They thought that this was a good idea??"
It's done by the pre-Mrs Peel Avengers, one of whom can barely sing, and one who doesn't try. The lyrics are intensely goofy, and about ...umm, some English boot crisis of the 60s. Near the end MacNee begins channeling spirit voices. It has a car-crash fascination to it.
Here's a Quicktime file you can hear.
INEXPLICABLE LINK OF THE WEEK
The Beatles: Best Band in the Marvel Universe
Objects from Previous Weeks
©2000 Bill Young