Week of 4/2/00:
100% CANADIAN CONTENT
Canada is a country that has brought the world The Kids in the Hall and SCTV
and a nickel that has the Queen of England on the front
and the Queen's royal beaver on the back.
So, naturally it's a place where the inexplicable falls like the snow Americans think Canadians get every July.
Our Canadian Correspondent Gordon Kennedy submits these Great White Northern Objects.
I offer you the glory that is Grenache. It's hard to see, but the first two ingredients listed are sugar and hydrogenated vegetable oil. I can't see anyone eating this nowadays; the design on the label seems to support this theory. I can't think of anything that could look more authentically retro. Wasn't Grenache the name for a failed McDonald's Mascot, the less healthy and hyperactive brother of Grimace? Hmmm...As I remember, it was the main character in the Quebec-made Xmas cartoon, "How The Grenache Stole Christmas."
Retro or not, WHY would you market your 100% sugar product with a picture of a little kid who's dangerously obese, obviously wired, and just damn toothless?
If they made McDonald's mascots this way, they would be along the lines of "Mayor McFibulator the Clogged Artery" or "HyperHemo the Blood Pressure Geyser."
Of course, after spreading pure refined sugar on your toast, you'd better brush...
The topic is: Hygiene for the Lazy Person. When we produce items that are as "diposable" as this, it must make the job of whatever future archeologists try to decipher our culture that much more confusing. Our toothbrushes will last forever, but the things which define us most are printed on paper loaded with acid and media which just may be unreadable (magnetic media, cd's, etc etc). "According to our research, the North Americans had very clean teeth and were obsessed with round shiny disks - possibly a decoration or form of currency. They apparently didn't know anything about the causes of cancer; they wouldn't have loaded up their soil and food with all those chemicals if they did."Why stop here? You could save even more time if you could eat while you brushed! Why not Arm & Hammer & Cheez Whiz CheddarMint Toothpaste & Spray Cheese? And make the toothbrush out of a Slim Jim!
One Hell of a Real Audio song
Who won The Inexplicable Party's Vice Presidential nomination?
KILL KILL BY A LANDSLIDE!
"Uh, what do you think you're doing there?"
Kill Kill: "STOP THAT! The world's press is waiting for our press conference! Would you please just sto--
Oh. Hello Mr Rather, Mr Brokaw, Mr Koppel..."
Sodomy:"Hey there Teddy! That hair of yours looks like a woodchuck I used to date! Why doncha come a little closer so's I can take a better look, heh heh!"
Objects from Previous Weeks
©2000 Bill Young