"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could
produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
(during a conversation about a free concert in town) Yeah, a few years
ago Boston used to give these free concerts on the Green. They'd have
big names, like whatshername, Nat King Cole's daughter--Natalie! It was
real nice. The crowds were real well-behaved, no one got rowdy or
ME: Yeah, normally those Natalie Cole fans get way out of hand! Stay away from the mosh pit when she starts doing "Unforgettable!"
RUDY: (laughing) OK, OK--touche!
That was the most entertaining thing that happened all 12 hours today until some blonde chickie got carded while trying to buy some beer from Big Rudy (who's a really nice & cool ex-gun-totin' postal inspector & Nam Vet who could rip my weed-like body apart like a fresh loaf of bread without breaking a sweat if he felt the need). "No-o-o-o, dear! Sorry, you're not getting anything from us, no-o-o-o!" Date of Birth: 1981. And where does she go but into a big van with huge tinted side windows, & a black guy & a white guy in the front seat with JOHN LAW encoded in their very DNA. 1 white! 1 black! 1 blonde! ENTRAPMENT SQUAD! (In Color!)
Which is pretty much the deal here. The town cops, bless their shiny badges, are gung-ho about busting underage drinkers & drunk drivers. No complaints here. I lost a good friend, a beautiful shining pair of 19-year-old blue eyes, to a drunk driver. He got a slap on the wrist, she got her skull cracked open. It happened in the next town over. He had a rich family's last name, & the cops in that town waited 3 HOURS before giving the drunk test. Meaning he was pretty much sober at the time. If it had happened here, he would have spent some time as the bitch of Butt-Bangin' Bruno like he deserved.
But it IS entrapment. What they're doing is sending in underage kids to try to buy booze, then sweeping in to bust the place if they do. The state Supreme Court refused to let the state government do it, as they were breaking the law by having minors buy. But THESE are no ordinary minors--they're POLICE EXPLORERS! (In Color!) which somehow skirts the legality issue. The kid has a wire, the van has a video camera. Our 2 stores are known as the town hard-asses as far as carding everybody goes, so this is no real worry to us. Not that that stopped me from calling our other store immediately...
And guess where the next stop was. The owner spotted this tinted-window van pulling up into the handicapped spot. He carded the guy himself (who was born in '80 but looked about 25). "You're not 21!" he cried, snapping the license away from the kid. "I'm calling the cops RIGHT NOW!" He hadn't even made it to the phone's speed dial when Officer Friendly (In Col--OK, I'll stop) ran in the door explaining that it was an undercover operation. "Re-e-e-eally?" asked the boss all doe-eyed in innocence.
The downside is we nailed them. Twice. They'll be back.
our visit from SUDS SQUAD! (In C...sorry! It's catching, it really is)
was no anomaly. SUDS (Stop Underage Drinker Sales--Look, I didn't
create the acronym, folks) hit 45 stores in 4 towns yesterday. 19
failed the pop quiz. Failed to the tune of a $700 fine & being
closed for 3 days. That'd put a crimp in my wallet, fer sure. 4 stores
sold the beer & bought the farm in our town. 2 of them were stores
that would've shocked me if they DIDN'T sell to minors, as that's their
reputation; but the other 2 were surprises. 2 didn't ask for ID (dumb;
I carded a guy before this thing happened because he looked about 28.
He was 36.). The other 2 looked at the ID & sold anyway. DUMBER!
These were IDs with real birthdates & "UNDER 21 UNTIL..." printed
on them. Kee-Rist.
We got mentioned, though not by name, as the store that took the kid's license away & called the cops. Blondie, who hit my store, was quoted in the paper. "It feels kind of good when they reject you. It's like, OK, they really do understand the law. They really do care." Gosh. Just like, warms your heart & stuff, you know?
Oh yeah--the funny part of today. There wasn't any. Except maybe synchronistically running into Jessica & her mom at the grocery store where I went to deposit my check, & Jess' mom telling me she'd seen "Eraserhead" & "I'll bet you liked that weird movie!" Now I know I'm old...My friends have MOMS who've seen Eraserhead. I wonder if I know anybody who's Dad is gonna know more about Devo than "Whip-It."
Plus I saw something InEx-level funny at a diner KMDS, Scott, Jay & me went to before seeing a movie. But it'll have to wait for the InEx. Good thing I left my digital camera in the car! Too bad we didn't take my car...
So I'm taking a
delivery in the rear (HEY! I mean the rear of THE STORE, you pervert!).
The guy backs his truck towards the door & slams the dumpster so
hard it moves 6 feet back. He pulls forward & it tips forward onto
the ground with a BOOM. It now has an 8-foot-wide, 6-inch-deep dent in
it. I'm kinda slack-jawed at all this, then he exits the truck, walks
to the dumpster, & he says "This must be my lucky day!" He bends
over & picks something up. "I found a PEN!"
Umm...OK. The T in this particular SHAWT doesn't stand for Today, but Twelve years ago. It popped into my head for some reason. I still think it's funny, though. Definitely funnier than anything that DID happen Today, fer sure.
To Whomever decided to sign me up for the "Pimping Cupid" thing:
I will gut you like a pig when I find out who you are. Gut you like a FUCKING PIG, got that?
the gutting bit was a mite extreme. I'd been stewing in my own juices
for a couple hours before I wrote that. And it was based on what I
feared was happening, not what I knew happened. If Pimping
Cupid spammed every email address I put in it, then, yes, a gutting is
called for. But I have only circumstantial evidence that it did...So
lemme check (goes to ICQ).
OK. It was just as I feared...but there shall be no gutting. The fucker DID spam my address book, but I only got the email because Kitty got 1 too, & punched my name in. What a stupid "service." At least it was the same honest mistake I made, rather than someone doing it as a "joke." I'm glad that people who know me realize that Internet Romance is not a topic that brings a smile to my face anymore. But on to lighter stuff.
SHAWT 1: Do you have Bird's Eye? I'm not sure what it is. Some call it a wine, some call it a beer.
Some call the wind Maria, too. Me, I'd call it Frozen Peas.
SHAWT 2 tries to dump his dripping stinky empty beer cans at the front register. Jason tells him to "bring them to the back." "The back?" he asks. Yep. The Back. He brings them to the back of the store, walks past where the empties go into the back room, walks through the open back door into the back parking lot...
JASON: We should do like in "Forrest Gump," & put up a sign that says "Stop Here!"
Someone returned an empty beer bottle that I'd never seen before. It was imported from Poland, and was brewed by a company named "Pepee." Truth in advertising. Synchronistically, this is Bizarro's cartoon for today.
Why do they call it Memorial Day, when the whole purpose of it seems to be to get so drunk you can't remember anything?
Maybe it's in Memory of All Those (idiots) Who Have Died in the Stampede to Buy Beer at the Last Minute. Gourd Almighty, there sure were enough of them tonight. It was the worst last-minute-crush I've ever seen at the Boozeteria. We had 2 lines in the last half-hour, one of which stretched to Oregon, the other to Australia. Literally, in the sense that they reached to where we keep the wines from those areas, or 1/3 of the way back through a very long store. It was a constant 10-people-deep-each right up until closing. What the fuck? We're legally open a mere twelve hours, why wait till the last twenty minutes of an Officially Sanctioned Day to Get Plastered to shop? Did the full moon have something to do with it?
No, peoples is just stoopit. A coupla days ago, a guy (actually, Bag of Weed Man from the 1st SHAWT) was knocking on the door at 8:02 wanting entry. I showed my watch & he said "Man! I thought I had at least a minute!" What does his daily planner look like?
Nothing exciting happened today.
Though the guy with the dollar-bill-sized tattoo of a weeping, bleeding Crown-O-Thorned Jesus superimposed on a Puerto Rican flag on his shoulder should at least count for something. Maybe the "H" in "Jesus H Christ" stands for "Hector"?
Just the usual freak show at the job today. 1 of my least fave customers got cranky cuz I couldn't carry her Budweiser out to her car for her, as I was the only employee in the store at the time & I had to deal with another of my least faves, an old ditzy broad who always brings her empties in triple-knotted plastic bags but never knows how many she brought & refuses to open the bags herself, so I have to razor-knife them open & do it myself. And a mascara-blotched woman who sobbingly grabbed a Fruitopia & asked for a "pint of 100-proof Popov, *WAH*" The guy at the counter refused to sell to her, as hysterical public crying & 100-proof vodka are not 2 great tastes that taste great together (consider the legal ramifications after she guzzles the pint in 5 minutes in that emotional state, then wrecks car/kills husband/kills self, etc). "You're an ASS-HO-O-O-O-O-OOOOLE!" she screamed, getting excellent vibrato & sustain on the "hole." She left, instantly re-entered & yelled "WHERE'S YOUR BOSS?" He correctly IDs himself as The Owner, so she starts babbling about "My husband's an asshole & I want to get drunk! Why won't you let me??" Hmm, well-thought-out argument. Here's some grain alcohol on the house! Later, Sonny & Cher were playing on the oldies station the store radio & a regular starts in on how Cher is "hot" (BILL VOMITS!). He then claims "I saw Cher naked at Lake Compounce in the 70s!" Suuuuure you did. All the trendy jet-setting rock stars party down at a crummy Bristol, CT amusement park. Especially in the 70s, when Compounce was best known state-wide for the fact its only roller coaster was shut down by the state because it was going to collapse, & best known in my circle because 1 of my friends wasn't allowed to go there after a visit simply because his parents saw a frolicking rat there. Hey, that theme park in Orlando's got a rodent as a mascot, what's the prob here?! And Pinhead was back--you may remember him from a previous SHAWT: He always asks us if we have "any pins for [fill in name of upcoming holiday]." Soon as I sees him, I checked the calendar: Guess it'll be Flag Day & Father's Day. But he threw me for a loop, & asked for (read this as fast as you can to simulate his speaking voice) "Do you have any pins to commemorate the last basketball game of the year or to celebrate the birthdays of famous musicians of Pop?" No, but we had a guy who saw Famous Musician of Pop Cher in her birthday suit!
advantage of CT Liquor Store Manager over most retail jobs is that you
don't have to work much past 8PM. The downside is that if you close
every day you work like I do, there are about 4 weeks out of the year
that there's still sunlight when you leave.
We haven't quite hit those 4 weeks yet. But that didn't stop me from smearing on the Deep Woods Off! Skintastic & venturing into the--uhh, Shallow Woods behind the condo. It got darker a LOT quicker than I anticipated. As I was nearing home & hearth, I saw something small & white barreling down the path with an odd half-gallop, half-waddle. The sort of locomotion you'd see if Weebles could run. But Weebles can't, so this was Pepe Le Pew just starting his 3rd-shift job looking for a breakfast of yummy beetles & grubs. The cool thing about skunks is that they don't really want to hose you with stink juice. I slowed down & dragged my feet on the path to make my presence known, then walked ver-r-ry slowly towards him. He raised his tail, then turned tail into the brush, keeping his eyes & deadly weapon on me. Don't worry, buddy, I'm a loner people hate on sight, too.
SHAWT: Woman hands me a scratch lottery ticket. "I think it's a winner...?" "I'll run it through the machine." says me. The Automated Gambling Addicatron confirms her suspicion. "$4." I say. She's startled! "WHAT?! I owe you $4?!"
Yep, it's the new Punishment Lotto. Losers must be taught their lesson! Good thing you didn't win the grand prize, or I would've had to shoot you!
This part actually happened
yesterday: Guy comes up with 2 Heinekens & asks for a "nip" (the
airline bottle mini-size) of brandy. I pull 1 from the back of the row,
but he doesn't want that 1. "The ones in the front are fresher." Brandy
is actually made to last for years, so that's dumb in & of itself,
but I also tell him that we stock the nips from the back, so the ones
in the back would be "fresher." He thinks I'm trying to pass rancid
brandy off on him & insists on that front 1. Well, I think, at
least he bought those last 2 stragglers of Heineken. When I go to the
beer cooler, he's skipped the 2 stragglers in the front, & pulled 2
from the 6-pack behind them...So, the fresher brandy's in the front,
but the fresher beer's in the back.
There's a guy who's been in the store only twice in the 1&1/2 years I've worked there, but I clearly remember him. He is the only person I've ever seen who, when the 6-pack he wants is missing a beer or 2, pulls it out & then grabs what he needs from the pack behind it. Standard procedure is to completely rearrange the cooler so as to get that 6-pack in the back. That 5-pack is no longer virgin. Watching people juggle these things is bizarre. They'll hand it to a friend or hold 2 at once or put it on a different shelf blocking something else, making this extra work when all they need to do is grab 1 bottle. Today saw a new frontier in beer-juggling. The jerk put the evil pack of Satan on a shelf with about 1/4 inch of space on it, then closed the door really quick. The only thing holding it in was the pressure of the door. So if somebody opened it, SPLAT. I had to snake my scrawny arm in there & open the door enough to get a controlled fall & grab it in midair.
My fave is still last year, when the 6 in the front was missing 2 bottles.
SHAWT: Dammit! Don't you have any 6-packs of Bass?!
ME: There's 1 behind it.
SHAWT: Oh, yeah..(takes out the 1st 1) DAMMIT! That 1's missing 2 bottles, too! Don't you have any 6-packs here?!
ME: You could take 2 bottles from 1 & put it in the other...
A long pause ensued.
SHAWT: Oh. Yeah.
SHAWT: I hear the familiar CRASH sound of someone dumping a pile of loose change on the counter. Yep. It's Mr Do-You-Mind-Change Man. He always asks us that AFTER he builds Coin Mountain on the counter, so what he's really saying is "Well, tough shit if you do!" He gives me $5 in quarters, dimes & etc, then buys a $1.63 item with it. I give him $3 in singles back, & he hands 1 to me. "Can I have $1 in quarters?"
After 7 weeks, it happened. There was no SHAWT on Sat.
Nothing unusually funny happened, & while I still coulda gone off on the day-to-day annoyances (like the Spin & Glare, or The Wonderful Back-Room Where All One's Dreams Come True), but those'll have to wait. Saturday I had 5 hours in bed & 12 hours at work, & the rain-that-falls-up called Humidity pretty much sapped what little will I had left. Monday, the public radio announcer described it as a "beautiful mid-summer's day," apparently missing his own irony: It's not August, it's not even any KIND of Summer...Just felt that way. Plus, I'd been "coming down with Something" since Weds. With a 3-day weekend ahead of me, I didn't want to spend it sick in bed with a Something, so I decided to try this echinaecia stuff. Sat at 1030PM I became overwhelmingly tired & slept 13 hours. Sun same thing. Mon, in bed at 930 & 16 hours...It then struck me that this ecchanasthesia crap had an unforeseen side-effect. So I spent all weekend in bed anyway. (I was about to make a joke about "this'd be Kitty's dream vacation!" but it would actually be like any random 3 days in her life)
I saw the big deal Monday, the Star Wars thing,
at an afternoon matinee. Purt near froze to death, what with me in
shorts & short-sleeves & it being like 42 in there. When Lil'
Ani said buh-bye to Mommy Slave & 3-Creepio, I flashed back to the
1st time I saw this umm, quadrology. Same adobe room, same robot,
different Skywalker. 3CPO was getting immersed in the oil bath in
Episode 4/Movie 1, when a thunderstorm knocked out the power. A
universal groan emitted from the audience. The movie had been out less
than a week, & everyone at that matinee was there because of
word-of-mouth: Sci-Fi movies were SUPPOSED to suck back in '77. But
everyone who'd seen this one loved it...They gave us passes for another
showing, & I was back the next day. I'd only seen 20 minutes of the
movie, but there was no way I'd miss it. But what struck me at this
point in this movie was: It took him 22 years to make this?
Back 22 years ago, I came up with the term "Star Wars Syndrome" to describe a Hollywood trait. Every time a movie/TV show breaks the "what-works" rules, everybody in La-La Land falls over themselves trying to make the exact clone of the original, while missing the whole reason that the original WAS so special. After Star Wars, a movie with good writing, exciting direction, & likable actors made its mint, Hollywood carefully scrutinzed it & said: "People want movies with special effects set in space!!" NO, they want good writing, exciting direction, & likable actors. Instead, we got such well-loved classics as "The Black Hole" & "Krull." Now, they've made this.
Not that it sucked, mind you; like cotton candy or casual sex, it's fun while it's happening, but when it's done, you're left with nothing. I guess I wanted Star Wars, but got Return of the Jedi instead; not a mythic adventure but a reeeally long toy ad. I had long, involved conversations after all of the 1st 3 (though the Jedi 1 was full of what-the-hells & creatively fatal uses for Ewoks). I just kinda scratched my head after PM.
James Lileks pointed out something yesterday (I'd give you the url, but he's changed his rant already) that I thought only I'd noticed: There's 2 movies here, an exciting, entertaining CGI movie, & a drab & dull Human Being movie. Every so often they'd kind of wander the screen together, to the human's loss. In fact, I'd go so far to say that Lucas had NOTHING to do with the good parts. The CGI characters are in constant motion, doing all sorts of "business," while the humans just stand there with facial expressions indicating mild gas discomfort. The most fitting image of the human movie was Queen Ladeedada's Kabuki makeup.
Now, I hated Zsa-Zsa GaBinks everytime he opened his Babble-Me-Elmo mouth, but when he'd shut up, I couldn't stop looking at him. Note the scene when they 1st visit Coruscant--our boring heroes meet Senator Patheticitane as some ceremonial honor guard, a la the stoic Buckingham Palace Guards, forms up behind them. Jar Jar shoves his face into the guard's, then waggles his fingers at him, trying to get a reaction. Maybe you missed this; it was in the background while the pivotal action of humans grunting hello at each other took place in the foreground. Or the scene when they enter Anakin's hut as the sandstorm starts--the humans troop in with "Well, here we are walking into the Anakin's Hut set on the soundstage," while Jub-Jub shakes sand from his ears, then picks some more out with his finger..like he'd JUST LEFT A SANDSTORM. Now, why do the humans NEVER do anything like this, but the CGIs always do? Because 1 movie was NOT directed by Lucas.
Here's another example: Queen Armadillo is leading her weiner commandos on the raid on the palace. After using their Batmanesque Fizzy Lifting Guns (good thing they packed those), a window explodes. A pause, then a coupla weiners stroll out & kinda loiter. The rest of this crack squad (squad on crack?) shuffles out after them. This is not how you film an action sequence. This is how you leave the shuttle bus at the mall, to make the life-or-death decision: Food Court 1st, or Parade of Shoes?
Now imagine that same scene if it'd been done CGI: a few frames after the window exploded, the characters would burst through as glass still flew through the air, & they'd be running with guns at the ready. But that movie would've been made by the CGI crew.
In the end, Steven Jobs-Jobs (GEDDIT? Computer joke!!) was less irritating than Darth Diapers. He had less Future Darth Vader written all over him than The Missing Olsen Triplet (perhaps this resemblance will explained when they get to the Clone Wars). Actually, I can't say I liked ANY of the humans. I liked ALL of the humans in SW. Biggest disappointment: Darth Dull--uhh, Maul. Stranglin' Darthy V was EVIL, this guy has a "Kick Me" sign on him. He did nothing to establish himself as anything but a future Kay-Bee toy, dressed not in an unforgettable black knight/Nazi helmet/walking iron lung costume, but in a makeup kit you could buy at Spencer's Gifts. Shoulda called him "Darth Mall."
And WHAT is with these NAMES? Darth Maul, Darth Sidious? Who's next, Darth Asshole? Just look at these names & ask yourself, At some point were Teletubbies involved in the creative process?: Qui-Gon? Dumb. Jar Jar? Dumber. Naboo? Dumbest. "Hello to you, I'm from Naboo, boop-oop-a-do!" Mace Windu? You just keep your mace from my window, you'll smash it! (Didja know that both mace & maul are types of medieval head-smashing things? Look for Episode II to feature Konk Cinderblock) Not that Grand Moff Tarkin was anything sane ("I'll be the Grandest Moff of them all!"), but if Lucas had the same pipe in his head naming SW folks 22 years ago, the 3 main characters might've been called Balk Shinglebutter, Pawn Shoppo, & Princess Ramalamadingdong. Maybe Space Ghost wasn't so far off when he called Mark Hamill "Duke Fartknocker."
And the plot...What the hell were the Roly-Poly Fish-Heads invading for, exactly? Something about taxes? Oh, I guess this must be the "groundwork for future episodes" every review mentioned. Yeah, next time Darth Yahooserious comes to town, he's gonna raise the mill rate! At least I lived to see an action movie in which 1 of the most exciting plot points was a Senate vote of no confidence. The Italian Government--IN SPAAAACE! And exactly how does 1 get *elected* Queen? Given that she's like 14 years old, what's the voting age, 2? The most suprising thing about the plot was how everyone who saw the movie would say "I won't give away any spoilers!" Spoil WHAT? There weren't any. Even the Dead Guy was no surprise. You know someone's gonna die, so do the math: Can't be anyone still alive in SW, can't be the ones there for little kid/ little female audience identification. Who does that leave? Mace Windu, tripping & impaling himself on Yoda's stick of the walking for legs bad, hmm?
I dunno. I'll see it again--hell, I saw Jedi twice in the theaters, too--but it'll be to drink up the CGI, like the 3 ETs in the Senate chamber. Most of the above picking on the movie was done after I'd seen it, not during. That's a good sign; it means the movie's engaging enough that you don't notice it until after it's over (I've never had anyone say, "I noticed that, too!" when I've pointed out to them that in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indy takes a 100-mile-long trip on the OUTSIDE of a submarine & doesn't drown, just doesn't look very happy about it). Though the Force-Field Question did start bugging me during the movie. They're sort've like the Gun-as-Lockpick phenomenon of SW; if you want an open door to close, shoot the lock. If you want a closed door to open, shoot the lock. Try this with your garage door opener & a 12-gauge sometime...Force Fields/Deflector Screens are like that in this movie, too: What the plot wants dictates how they work. So, the Gungan 1 keeps water out, so effectively that King-Dong & Obi-Wannabe come through it dry, but it lets made-of-90%-water humans to pass through. You'd think all that would make it would be a pile of Qui-bones. Then the Gungans have this other field that that lasers won't go through, but, again, you can walk through if you're a Battle Droid (I hope those things were the Galactic equivalent of 2/$10 at Wal-Mart--Stormtroopers could've taken How Not To Hit Things & Stand Motionless Waiting to Get Light-Sabered lessons from them). So...if the Droids had brought Gatling Guns & shot bullets, they could've nailed the Gungans? And if the field does block out energy, umm, wasn't the whole THING about the Droids that they were getting broadcast power from the No-It's-Not-At-All-Like-The-Death Star ship? And WHAT was with that Walls-O'-Pinkness revolving door during the climatic light saber duel? Clearly, it was just there to isolate Qui-Gonedaddyo from Obi-Weiner, but why not just have Biggie Mauls just push a button? I mean, what actual FUNCTION outside of duels to the death did those thing have? Does your house have a series of automatic doors between the bedroom & bathroom? I hope not. I ain't walking on your carpet if it does.
I still remember being shocked when Obi-Wan died in SW. I kinda shrugged "Oh, well" when Qui-Yawn bought the moisture farm. OOPS! Was that a spoiler? Well, maybe they shouldn't've put tracks on the soundtrack CD titled "Qui-Gon's Noble End" or "Qui-Gon's Funeral." I mean, they could've disguised it with different names. How about "Qui-Gon's Nice Ass" or "Throw Another Jedi on the Barbie"?
May the Force, which is a bunch of little bugs, be with your Bloodstream.
Sign of a True Wine Connoisseur: (holding up a 1.5 liter bottle of Gallo White Zinfandel) How's the alcohol content with this? Will I have to drink the whole bottle to get a buzz?
So, uhh, this guy comes in, and he's sooo stupid that he...he...Umm.
Sorry. It was that rarest of days today, the Day that Just Flies By. Just the usual dumbocity, nothing worth writing home/posting to the net about. Maybe if Jessica had held true to her promise & paid me a visit, things woulda been different. Instead, I got a phone call asking "May I please speak to William Young?" The serious voice was perfectly disguised except for a very slight, almost imperceptible tone-shift in the last word...If this is Jess, I thought, she can't keep a straight face to save herself, so I'll say nothing for 1 second, & she'll explode in laughter.
I guessed right.
(pointing back & forth between the register I'm standing at &
the 1 8 feet away): Are you here, or there? "Why, I'm Dr Wizard the
Quantum Mechanic! Hey, all you cool quantum cats & Schroedinger's
kitties, I'm here AND there at THE SAME TIME!"
After a freakin MONTH of trying to coordinate the schedules of a guy who works until 8PM & a gal who has to get up for work at 430AM, Jessica & I finally got to see each other outside of my current/her old job. She phones or visits me there 2 or 3 times a week, but we can never focus our attention on each other, what with the bumbling boozers stumbling about. We tossed a coupla pints at the brew pub & babbled for 3 hours straight. It was our usual all-over-the-map kinda conversation, shifting from serious to goofy in alternate sentences, or playing Love Therapist to each other's romantic misadventures of late. We talked about the weirdness of me getting a friendly public hug from a drop-dead gorgeous but utterly platonic best gal-pal, & seeing male strangers look at her in despair or me in hatred--Yeah, dude, I guess the wedding's off! Maybe you should've learned her name before registering the silverware pattern. I told her the bittersweet tale of Bill & Becky at Oberlin, which oddly hadn't come up in the 2 years we've been buds. And Jess related SHAWTs from her job at the hospital...Prly only Jess & I can have these conversations while eating.
Hospital SHAWT #1: I have my husband's specimen for the lab. (pulls out brown paper lunch bag, with her husband's name on it) Jess reads the paperwork...She's brought a bag of his diarrhea. You know, if someone's stealing your lunch from the work fridge, this'd be just the weapon you'd need, especially if they're stealing your refried beans. Our waitress appeared at our table as we were discussing HOW one gets a squirts specimen: Zip-Lock Bag? Coke bottle up the wazoo? Bounty, the quicker picker-upper?
Hospital SHAWT #2: (plunks jar on the admittance counter) Here's my sperm sample.
She says people DO THAT there, get their sperm sample at home, then it all dies, then they have to go to the hospital bathroom &..generate..a new 1.
And I complain when people bring empty beer cans to the front register.
oops no K leftinNew6!next,New7