12/15

This has "All over the net in a day" written all over it, but here we go with Dean & Nigel Blend In! It's English, so between the funny stuff you get lines like "I told you all that powdered egg would make you fill your trolleys quicker than Dale Winton!!" Did you say--DALE WINTON'S TROLLEYS?! AHHH-HAHAHAHAAAAA!
WTF.
They also seem to be partial to making fun of very very old people, a thing I like. However, to paraphrase the Dead Kennedys, "Blend some drunken football thugs if you got real balls!"

OK, I just saw "GO" at Jessica's house. Thus, I am now an expert on Raves & Ecstasy. Pigdog, here I come!
Not really, but here's a weird link I swiped from them that 2 readers of this page will...enjoy. SAILOR SUMO SCOUTS, MAAAKE UP!

(apologies to Kitty):
No no no. I will not obsess on the election, I will not obsess...OK, I will one last time. The time now has to come to Move On, to Heal, to Unite.
For all America to hate that corporate sock-puppet Bushbaby's guts.

12/18

Just yesterday I thought that my days of being somebody's Hot Site of the Nanosecond had ended. Then today I find out that the cable channel TechTV (aka ZDTV) featured the InExOb in some way, shape or form. Their confusing schedule makes it look like it's being repeated at 5PMEST/9PMPST today, or maybe it isn't. Hard to tell. I'm guessing that it won't be repeated, as I only found out about it through an email from a guy who wants to sell me a VHS copy. A less than 10 minute copy. For $95. He claims to be a professional company, but I get the feeling he owns a satellite dish & a VCR.

On the plus side, I didn't get a single extra hit from TechTV. So it's prly like the LA Times mention...Nothing. Not that it still wouldn't be interesting to see my only TV mention.

Latest search queries: (and, no, I do not pick out the interesting ones & ignore the rest--there are only 1 per html file, and I just list the ones that've changed since last I looked)

pleather seat covers camaro  [DUDE!!]
buying iron giant merchandise
driving in the snow pics videos
combover pic
magritte pipe title
bang the teacher  [bet he was disappointed]
supermarket picturs  [or "where can I buy a spell checkr"]
"vibrator + hello kitty + buy"  [knew this one would turn up sooner or later]
"dawn wells naked"  [the all-time classic!]
dumpster serial  [??  Divers of the Lost Ark?]
start wars 3cpo  ["start" wars??]
cb sheme  ["sheme"?  When did THAT become a word??]
russ meyers movies  [KILL KILL!]
tv commercials smells air fresheners  [uhh...yeah, sure, I search for that, too]
arleen gordon  [she's famous, somewhere, maybe, umm, I guess]

12/20

I sneeringly wrote the guy who wants to sell me my 15 seconds of non-fame on TechTV:
"That seems kinda steep for a 10-minute tape. How does $5 sound? I'd be willing to pay the postage!"
To my surprise, he wrote back:
"Bill the Splut,
I would be willing to send the clip to you for $66.50, and we will pay the FedEx shipping. But let me know today, as I will be out of the office for a week starting tomorrow."
I don't know if he's counter-sneering (66.50? How did he come up with that figure?), or if I should write back "Okay...$7. And 3 Pokemon cards."

Yeah, yeah, I said No More Election Obsessing. But how can you fail to be pissed at this quote, regarding the Miami Herald's attempt to recount the votes on their own:
"How about, if you want to do this thing, we lock those ballots up until George Bush is not president, so nobody can go use these ballots to undermine his position, to undermine the position of this country, to throw this country into chaos. If you want to know, if historians want to know, fine. Know some day in the future. You don't need to know now because he is president now."
The quote is from John Gibson of Fox News. Fox News is run by Bush's cousin. Think that they'd have the same opinion of news involving Clinton's presidency?

Here's some fine reading, forwarded by KMDS.

12/22

I counter-offered the TechTV-seller "$7.75 & some Pokemon cards" but he hasn't written back.

Salon.com has an interesting mousepad.

Winter is so worthy of hate, yet it never really bugs me. It used to, in the days or True Retail, when it meant Xmas, which meant a building crescendo of misery from Veterans' Day right up to the 24th. The Booze Biz is different; it all happens the week before the day. And while the lines are long, they move quick. Winter's not that big a deal anymore. It's cold, & I hate the cold, but cold comprises the time it takes to walk from the car. Sitting in a nice warm home, cat purring above me, snow covering the ground outside...mmmm. Womb-y! It helps to have an Xmas present in my tummy: Mom asked me what I wanted, & I said "Mom's home cookin'!" Her delicious spaghetti sauce, store-brand garlic breadsticks that I foolishly followed the directions to make (if it says "14 minutes minimum," it means 10 minutes in my oven...at least they weren't inedibly burnt). She gave me a huge box, transferred by sister Pat & her brood to my job. Little niece Cassie hid behind her mom's leg, shyly refusing to tell me something that she'd said on the way there. This is the same little girl that on Thanksgiving I'd complimented on her Power Puff girl bed theme, & who then got all Buttercup on my ass. The secret message turned out to be "I love Unca Bill very much," which led to several "Awwwww!"s from the customers listening. Cassie is so sweet.
KK is sweetness personified (felinified?). I took a pic of her snoozing above me on the upper level of her cat condo, but I ran out of batteries before I found the pic amongst the 30 on the digicam, so you'll have to make do with her at floor level.
It's bitterly cold & windy out there. Today's snow is whipping through the air. Me & little cat are nice & warm & happy. I kinda like winter these days.

12/23

For once the New is actually about a change to the page. I removed that embarassing link to those music reviews from the Summer of 97. This is now the only link to that bit of nostalgia:

12/25

You know what sucks? We all have to go to work tomorrow. In the British Empire, they get it off, too ("Boxing Day"). I've known this forever, but today my mother got me a Hubble telescope calendar which strangely lists all the extra holidays that they get in my fave foreign nation, New Zealand. They also get "Easter Monday" & 1 lamely named "The Day After New Year's Day." That'd be handy for those REALLY bad hangovers. I suppose there's a reason why the UK doesn't celebrate "The Queen's Birthday," but Australia & NZ do. And also why NZ celebrates it a week earlier than Australia does. Maybe it's not the Queen I'm thinking of.

The search engine requests are getting...odd.

bill young kill-kill [well, sure, but why would you search for that?]
faster pussycat kill kill pics [NELSON: HA HA!!]
xmas animation rude
ruptured belly button
girl-loving japan
dawn wells naked [this is the MAIN reason people find my index page]
vibrating belt -clip
[now come the really inexplicable ones]
al capone regularly seen these team's home games
where can i find groceries on christmas morning at 100 am
pics of skin layers
witch lick eyeballs
william faulkner rat cat dog cow -insults
armadillo fucking helmet cartoon

Boxing Day

This thing makes NO SENSE & is totally great! Potsie the Motion Picture, Parts One and Two!

As if the election wasn't enough, Bush might now rig the results of the Census.

12/27

Get the funny part of Bush v. Census thing? Now the Republicans say that the only accurate way to do the Census is by *manual recount*

SHAWT: A guy asks if he can pay by check. Given that he's mighty cheezy looking & a a check is just an IOU, I tell him that he needs a drivers licence & a credit card. "I don't have a credit card," he says. I helpfully added, "We also take ATM cards." His face brightened with renewed hope. "I can put it on my Blockbuster card?!"

1/1/1

I won't miss that crummy millennium.

The InExob that wouldn't stop updating has updated again. Hello Kitty condoms can be bought at Karen Maneater's Mall. They're not on the page, but I'll keep you posted when she writes back. Check out HK's bathroom, where you can find Hello Kitty DOUCHE. I'll bet it smells like bubblegum!

New Monday Thing: checking the Strange Search Requests. I wonder what these people think when they click on my pages.

used scamp trailers
occupied japan ashtray
gero vita labs
flying monkey photo
retail converse sneaker
sitar mp3 ghost in the shell
effect of bleach on string [too hi-tech & expensive an experiment to buy $2 of bleach & string & FIND OUT YOURSELF]
dawn wells naked free [now they're just getting cheap]
banning guys from wearing boxers
wrestling hoopee

"Wrestling Hoopee"??
I checked the Sisto stories, & found another bunch of people who ended up disappointed:

tommy hilfiger overalls jersey
sears door
winterfresh
animated bolts of lightning
jack sisto [You don't know jack, Sisto!]
dung beetles film

I'm going to start a really crappy 60s cover band & call it The Dung Beatles. Our film debut will be "A Hard Day's Crap." Our 2nd film will be called "CRAP!" in which our drummer gets a dung-ball stuck on his finger. We'll have an embarassing TV special called "Magical Mystery Meat." Then will come our animated classic, "Post-Digested Submarine Sandwich." Finally, we'll have our concert film, "Let It Be a Ball of Dung."
"Hey, Dung,
Don't be afraid,
You were made to
Go out & roll dung.
Remember, to get it in a big ball
Then you can begin, to roll dung.
Roll dung, roll dung, roll dung, roll duuung!"
I think I'll ask George Martin to produce it. That last CD of his sure was a load of shit.

Ahh, Ye Goode Olde Dayes. "High resolution...in 8 colors!"

1/2

James Lileks has a big pile of newness on his page! Hoo-Rah! Kinda looks like he put it up in a major rush; there be typos galore, & the Lance Lawson section in the comics has terribly screwed coding. Prly cuz he discovered that he was a Yahoo! Pick of the Year today, & did it really quick. Bet that it's all fixed as soon as you read this.
*siiigh* I was a Yahoo! Pick of the Year, once...HEY BUDDY! SPARE SOME CHANGE? No? God Bless You!

There has been an update to the other Ob that continually updates, Uncle Joe's Mint Balls: Uncle Joe's Balls, The Song.

There would be national outrage from Republicans over this New Hampshire House member who's PRO cop-killing, except he's--uhh--Republican. After running as a Democrat or Libertarian. Before you can say "he finally found a party dumb enough to elect him," he says...

After the election, Alciere went online and said he was elected by a "bunch
of fat, stupid, ugly old ladies that watch soap operas, play bingo, read
tabloids and don't know the metric system." 
"The same lamebrains who vote for politicians who are WRONG finally voted
for one who is RIGHT," he wrote.

1/3

Had a lovely phone chat with Jessica when I got home tonight, as Kill Kill stared. Stared with those huge pupil eyes that cats get when confronted with reality warps. "Mommy is talking to someone who's not me! Is the black plastic thing she's talking into a new daughter?!" Jess is all enthusiastic about giving me my Xmas gifts...There are some potential InExes in there, she says. Since this is the same woman who gave me the Godzilla lip balm (loved by Yahoo) & the Testicle Fridge Magnets (loved by Brazil), I have high hopes. Even if those aren't great, Jesus Fuckin A, you shoulda seed what arrived in the inexob@c4.com mailbox today! Eventually you will, but...Jesus Fuckin A. "My 1st Baby Organ." Sure, you can have fun with a dopey name like that, but the actual Ob...JFA.
KK finally decided that she'd had enough of me talking to this new competition, & jumped up & started attacking the phone cord. Jess started talking to Kills, which suddenly calmed her down. "Oh, it's Auntie Jess!" she seemed to think, as she laid down & purred.

The Badtz Maru condoms are $10 for a SIX PACK! 2 more than the InExOb had! "You'll be the life of the party!" promised Karen. If I can find 6 women with odd sexual preferences, I will! I hope that they like pancake mix, since I got that too. And an HK rice bowl for KK's IAMS. $6 postage, which isn't bad, as it was a buck for my air mail stamp. The condoms aren't on her page, but you can email her about them.

1/7

The visit with Jessie never happened. A coworker gave me a 24-hour bug, & the 24 hours overlapped the planned visit. I suffered through work, called Jess to say I wouldn't be over, then an hour later got a call from KMDS asking if I wanted to see "Traffic." Hell yeah, as I was the 1 who originally suggested it, but--No, not that night. So I got to blow off 2 friends in 1 day! Thanks to generous amounts of echanaciea, I was able to get rid of it. But a little too late to have any fun.

Here's a bit of trivia: The 12 Days of Xmas follow Xmas, not precede it. I know this from listening to the Catholic Archdiocese of Hartford radio station. It amusingly plays actual Muzak, the type of elevator music you haven't heard in elevators since the early 80s. But, being oh-so religious, they follow the strict dogma of the 12 REAL days of Xmas, & play no Xmas music until Xmas Day itself. Then they switch to a 100% Xmas music format for the next 12 days. They're still playing "White Christmas" today, a week into January...

Bad Movies! I love 'em, & my love predates MST3K to the days before cable, when you could watch the New York stations here in central CT if you stayed up really late. That's how I 1st saw Robot Monster, Fire Maidens From Outer Space, & The History of Mankind. I mention it now, as El Snardo sent me an email about his 1st viewing of Plan 9 From Outer Space. In the off-chance you're unfamiliar with the movie, an invading armada of 2 aliens tries to conquer the Earth by raising an army of exactly 3 dead guys. Our weak minds will be so shocked by the 3 walking dead guys that all our governments will crumble! Umm, that's such a lame Plan that I can only ask: And what was Plan 8? "We will approach the homes of world leaders at night, then ring their doorbells--& run away! The mild irritation will drive them--INSANE!" Plan 10 no doubt involved flaming sacks of dog poopie.

The email coincidentally fell on the same day as Ebert's Worst Movie of the Year show, so it got me thinking on the subject. I found a page that's amusing in a crass way. Crass enough that it makes Seanbaby look like Oscar Wilde, with typos & fractured grammar galore. But he does review Megaforce effectively. If crassly. I laughed at this typical line: "There's a scene with Hunter and Zara skydiving that's supposed to be romantic. I had to Fast forward through it. I usually don't do that when viewing a movie. but this was like having a fat man sit on your head and fart." Effective simile.
Megaforce is a BAD bad movie, ie, full of dull spots & horribly painful "comic relief." To quote that review again, "nothing in this movie was funny. It ain't funny now, and it wasn't in 1983." I would go farther & say that in 126,000 BC, the year that both fire & jokes were discovered, & the joke was a Cro Magnon shoving a Neanderthal into a pile of mastodon dung--It wouldn't've been funny then, either.
That review misses a few important points about Megaforce. 1 is that this Invincible Army dresses in Spandex jumpsuits. Their leader has a bouffy 80s blow-dried do, a full beard, & a sweatband on top of the Spandex, so he looks exactly like a Bee Gee. The movie defies the Rag-Tag Group of Misfit Underdogs cliche, but does it in the only way that's worse: Telling us that Megaforce is not only armed with the world's most hi-tech weaponry (jeeps that fire rockets, actually), but that it's unbeatable. So it'd be like the Gulf War: Over in an instant, or the Rag-Tag Group of Misfits movie with the Rich Preppies as the heroes. PLUS we're repeatedly told that they outnumber the Bad Guys, AND they stage a surprise attack from the rear. How is that suspenseful? I know that you don't go to a 007 movie thinking that Bond'll lose, but the idea is to have fun of the way there. This is like announcing at the beginning of a Die Hard film that Bruce Willis has magic powers, then having the climax being him effortlessly Wishing the villians into the Cornfield like that Twilight Zone episode. The part of the movie that really amazed me was the ending--No, not the flying motorcycle, but the fact that after 90 minutes of being constantly reminded that Megafarce has the world's most advanced technology, they ABANDON IT IN THE ENEMY'S COUNTRY & FLY AWAY. Did we deliberatly leave a few thousand unused cruise missiles in Iraq when we left??
On the other hand, I really wish I'd bought a couple of those Megaforce Hot Wheels cars back when they were 4/$1 in my Kay Bee Toys days.

I am now inspired to watch a Good Bad Movie. I think it'll be "They Saved Hitler's Brain." And face & neck & when the effects really get sucky, his shoulders. This, in turn, will prly inspire me to go off on that flick tomorrow.

"Mein--Mein Fuhrer! There's been a change of plans!!"--Evil Nazi Dude's last words before exploding

1/8

Well, I won't be going off on TSH'sBrain. After searching, I remembered that my parents have my copy of it, which also has Plan 9 on it. I'm sure at this point, it's been either lost or taped over. Bummer.

I did find an old copy of "It Came From Hollywood." This was a gourdsend back in the days when VCRs were considered hi-tiech luxury items, & tapes were very rare. It was a compilation of bad movies you'd never have seen any other way, but it also was a very bad movie itself. The producers decided to have Celebrity Hosts spouting unfunny MST3Kish non-quips. Were Gilda Radner & John Akroyd considered funny once? Not by me, ever. And certainly not when speaking the lame lines they're given here. A hot babe in a bikini is captured by aliens, & even Akroyd, notoriously unchoosy in his scripts, reads the bad line "And this chick went on to become Miss Uranus, 1965" with the pronunciation as yer-ANN-us, not the screamingly funny Your-Anus. The only ones who come out of this unscathed are Cheech & Chong, but I remember seeing this a few years back & almost all their scenes were cut. Those scenes showed DRUG USE! Just them puffing on a joint, of course, but DRUG USE! IS! BAD! Still, the movie was my 1st chance to see Ed Wood in action, even if only briefly.

Latest wacky search requests:

video store closing classified
dali exhibit breasts
canadian tire leak proof seen on tv
cartoon picture of fork
+barbie+refill+kit+download
sit and spin sexual slang
girl story hip boots sex fishing

Check out Kill Kill's LP cover career! (top left & just below--dead ringers for her as a teeny kitten & today. That 2nd 1 has the exact same expression that KK gets when I pick her up; I wonder if the woman held that cat longer than 5 seconds, which is K's limit)

1/9

This Just In: "An Illinois woman is suing a McDonald's owner, Wal-Mart, a cup maker and her own mother over spilled coffee she says was too hot." Why stop there? GOD made coffee beans, ya know! "The suit also accuses Reed's mother of negligence, saying Carol Sanders 'owed a duty of care for the safety of others riding in her vehicle.'" (I'd love to visit that family's next Xmas gathering!) Hey lady, how about learning how to hold a fucking cup yourself? Then she'd have to sue herself.
What were her horrible injuries? A scar on her ankle. And how many millions will that little scar be worth?
I'm reminded of a news item a few years ago. A black kid went into a clothing store & was accused by a security guard of stealing the shirt he was wearing. He was forced to take it off, & came back the next day with his receipt, proving he bought it. He won a million dollar settlement. OK, he was clearly a victim of rascism, but if that same guard had pulled his gun & BLOWN THE KID'S HEAD OFF, the guard would've served 7-10 years & then been released from prison in order to make room for mandatorily-sentenced pot smokers. The kid's family would've received no money. Why is life in America so cheap, but hurt feelings so valuable?

This, on the other hand, is funny: "Police are looking for a woman who delivered brownies laced with marijuana to a fire station, making 11 firefighters ill." "The incident came on the heels of Mayor Dave Miller's call to implement a zero-tolerance drug policy for city employees." Right On, sister! (but I hope your house doesn't catch fire)

There was an update to the Ob. Nothing major, just that my assumption that "CE" was the name of the company that made The Baby Organ of Doom. It's the European Union's version UL, just an approval stamp. I didn't figure this out myself, of course. Here's my reply to the guys that did, with their amusing comments:

There's Only 1 Thing Wrong With The Baby Organ--
--IT'S ALIVE!
Well, that, and it's also safe for the EEC.  Which is wronger.
I fixed the reference, even though you guys *ruined my only joke!*
Umm, actually, I just rephrased it.  I don't know much about law, but it's not
technically illegal if you simply leave out information, right?  I'd have to be
grilled on the stand by Matlock or Callista Flockheart or something then, right?
 Am I right??

Roger Hylton:
It is found on many toys sold in
Europe, so I don't think it has anything to do with identifying the manufacturer
who
probably is Satan himself.

Mark Ortlieb:
It certifies that the product is safe for
use by the intended demographic, though looking at the thing I can't
see how that can be at least from a psychological standpoint!

Tim Beeber:
I'm sure a manufacturer cannot simply slap that logo on their 
box without submitting their product to testing or at least inspction.  And 
that this person/group actually went through the process of approving not 
only fart bombs, but a baby organ as well.  No doubt many other 
inexplicable objects come through that office, some worse than what weve 
seen here.  And this office has to subject each item to testing, with a 
straight face, to determine if there is a health or safety problem:

"Nope, no health or safety problems with these fart bombs, Hans."

"Yeah, and the Baby Organ is fine, too, Jean-Claude"


Thanks for the advice!  You guys are now the new legal team for the InExOb. 
Since I'll probably get sued some day over 1 of them anyway.
I wonder what's taking Mattel so long to find the "Barbie & Her
Friends" LP InExOb.  Maybe they're just embarassed.

Kill Kill was going "ack ow!" just now. I reached down to pet her. She liked it for a few seconds, then walked away. "Why do you walk away from affection?" I asked. "Who does that??"
Oh, yeah, THAT guy. But I meant besides me.

Great Idea, Idiot Execution. Make your own paper doll of yourself online! 2 choices: Goth or Not. Yeah, just like the real world, Goth or Not. But just try finding a ponytail. Or odangos. Hell, try finding clothing you actually wear. At least there are black sorta-Converses & a cat (but not a WHITE cat, which should be the default). I'll bet that other permutations of this site turn up soon. Maybe they'll give you a head size besides "macrocephalic."

1/15

Around midnight Sat I felt a scratchy throat, so I popped some echanecia & went to bed. I slept till 3PM, did the InExOb, went back to bed at 530, slept till 930, went to bed at 1AM, slept till noon. 30 hours sleep in 36 hours. I've been up for 3 hours, & all I want to do is go BACK to bed.
I had lots of crazy dreams, but I can't remember anything except the end of the last 1, when a family reunion turned out to disguised H.A.R.M. agents, so I blew myself & them up with a spy-bomb (why, yes, I bought No One Lives Forever last week). There were happy Kill Kill dreams too, which I always have when she uses me as a pillow. Something about the current KK & the 6-week-old kitten KK existing at the same time. Recent KK dreams: 1)Me going to pick her up for the 1st time, & finding a room full of dozens of identical white kittens. Oh No! I despaired. How am I to know which is the real KK? Of course, 1 kitten ran out of the crowd squeaking happily. Hooray! 2)KK in bed with me; she's wearing a dress. She walks towards me on her hind legs like a person, then magically is transformed into a human toddler of her current age. "You really ARE my daughter!" I say, just before she changes back. That's not weird, is it?

You've prly guessed that Jess & I exchanged Xmas gifts. Along with the 50s magnets, she gave me 1 of a wind-up robot, which was cool as I own that particular wind-up! More dream strangeness: The day before we got together, I dreamt that I was in a store that had some old PeeWee Herman toys. They had 2 left, & I thought, 1 for me, 1 for Jess! (No, I don't believe in precognitive dream mumbo-jumbo. You can't read a book that hasn't been written, so precognition requires a deterministic universe & the abandonment of free will. That's our Philosophy Moment for today) KK got a pastel catnip mouse that she just loves. We watched KMDS' Xmas gift; he reads this page sometimes so I won't say more than that it's a VERY odd movie. For someone who's never seen MST3K, Jess can riff with the pros.
She not only looks like a fashion model, she dresses like 1. As soon as she opened the door, I thought "WHAT is with those awful pants?!" It took me an hour to figure out that she was wearing jammies under her sweater.

Within 48 hours of each other, 2 witnesses to the TechTV feature on the Ob have come forth! 1 is someone at the Slashdotty geeknews, the other is Govynda's buddy Fluxxie. They showed Sodomy the lawn gnome, Barbie & Her Friends, Putz stain remover, Kamikaze Attack, the Ceramic Toilet Art & the Animal Crackers. Apparently all they did was SHOW them; they didn't read any of my comments. Which is the point of the page. No wonder I didn't see any extra hits. Fluxxie reports that the woman introducing the segment was incapable of pronouncing the word "inexplicable."

Funny shit at seanbaby. Only he could write an article connecting the new surreality TV show Temptation Island & a book on converting the retarded to Jesus in Nazi-occupied Holland.

Oh my god. If Corrie ten Boom's insane moral from a make-believe story is accurate, two retarded
           people wrestling in a church might have started a World War. Which would be a lot funnier if that
           wasn't the exact reason for all the conflict still going on in the Middle East today, or if ninety percent of
           this planet's people weren't living their lives based on insane morals from make-believe stories. I'm not
           saying everyone in the world is a retard, even though now that I've stopped watching TV, I CAN.

Whoops! Almost forgot that it's Search Request Day:

slutbucket
marcel duchamp stereoscopic
fascist fashion
dragon court hack
miller high life monkeys
skintastic tattoo
brainy smurf jpg
outback steakhouse urine [hopefully, they weren't looking for a menu]
family circle cartoon  [who'd search for that?  NOT ME!]
buy kid's valentines packs  [sorry, we specialize in steakhouse urine here]
britney spears cartoon dollies [steak...house...urine!  not SHIT]
forklift picturs
when was james k polk's birthday [get him a forklift pictur!]