"How smart is she? I dunno, I guess she's about average."
"Average? Hey, man, average is dumb!"--Harvey Pekar, American Splendor

12/9

(sound of static)

12/10

Well, I tried. The Geo editor was down all of last night. So, you get an extra 1 today.

This Alien being (well, she has a Resident Alien card, & seems like someone the MIB would be watching) came in for another nip of 100 proof scnapps. Rudy says, "Your boyfriend was just in here looking for you." She's astonished. "Looking for me in here?! Why?!" Cuzzzz...It's the 3rd time in 4 hours you've been in for a nip? He prly checked the gutter 1st, & seeing that it was empty, said "Well, she's not unconscious yet..."

I mentioned recently about the annoying Keep Asking the Same Question habit most people have. A variant on this is the Me Not Can Do Math question. A guy tells me he has $1.50 in empties as he buys box wine marked $7.99. "It comes to $6.97," I say. There's a pause of about 5 seconds, then he asks, "Did you take the empties off?" No, sales tax is something that they subtract now.

Woman by the sherry section: "How do I tell if it's sherry? Will it say so on the bottle?" Why, ye--I mean, no! This make look like an old 40-ounce bottle of 11/11 malt liquor, but it's *really* a fine Amontillado. Anyone who takes a sip & says "This tastes like damn tap water!" obviously has a most unsophisiticated palate. It's from that fine solera blend, The Emperor's New Sherry.

12/11

Ex-employee Blair came in today while the radio was playing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," which she began to sing along to. "I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus," I said, "and I haven't seen Dad all day."
BLAIR: Mommy told me not to go down into the basement cuz there's monsters down there!
ME: The woodchipper's wearing his aftershave.
B: I like the line about "hanging up your sock"--I dunno, it sounds dirty or something.
M: Santa's gonna stuff your sock tonight!
B: Your sock's been empty for too long; Santa will fill it.
M: Santa comes this time of year...
B: I know I can't top that!
M: I don't think I'd want you to.

Yep, tis the season. It took me almost 15 minutes to make what's usually a 5 minute drive today, & I was driving AWAY from the Mall (pretty much the only Mall-direction I want to drive). I saw many a car with trees tied to the roof. What a great holiday tradition: Kill a Tree for Jesus! No, wait, let's torture it 1st! We'll put hot lights & weighted hooks on it!
I don't believe in that. Instead of a tree farm, I go to a real farm & buy a cow. I cut off it's feet & hook it up to a life support system. I festively decorate it, then after New Year's, I throw it out on the curb for the garbageman to take to the dump. Merry Fuckin Christmas!

12/14

And how was your weekend? I went antiquing & bought some Sixtiesana, a pair of plaster Hippie statues. 1's a chick holding a sign that says "Join our Love-In," the other a slack-jawed mangy guy with glistening acid-burn-out eyeballs whose sign reads "What a Trip!" I have 1 of these made by the same company that's a goofy-looking werewolf, so the hippies were meant for kids. Sex & Drugs & Junior. The next day I went to the Salavation Army (sign on door: "PLEASE TAKE DONATIONS TO REAR OF STORE! THANK YOU!" INDEED, OLD BEAN! THAT WOULD BE RIPPING GOOD FUN, POKEY! GUN!") & found another 60s artifact--a Flying Fickle Finger of Fate Award. If that doesn't ring your chimes, look it up in your Funk & Wagnalls. I also bought a 60s kids LP that's prly gonna be the next InExOb despite not being grade-A material, as the 1 I saw last week photo'd poorly. Damn crappy digicamera.
I then went to Hell on Earth, Toys R Us at Xmas. Actually, it's hell any time of the year. "We run a drug- & competence-free surly workplace." I was in line for 10 minutes before it moved once, as the cashier needed 2 other people to scan the UPC of a damn sled. When the line did move, I didn't advance the apparently mandatory 1 step forward & a guy behind me asked "Are you in line?" Which is prly the single stupidest question I've ever been asked. What the hell else would I be doing standing in a line except STANDING IN A LINE? Like the Toys R Us cash register is some tourist mecca of scenic vistas. I'll send friends at home a postcard from the line: "Wish You Were Here. Instead Of Me."

SHAWT: ME: "Can I see your ID?" HIM: I don't have a driver's license, but...(hands me a prison ID) He was prly sent up the river for forging fake IDs.

12/15

A guy brought up a 6-pack of Sharp's non-alcoholic beer. Rudy pulls a bottle out to scan the UPC, & it's broken. "That's the 100% non-alcoholic 1," I say. Which isn't that funny, but at least it was quick.

I searched for "inexplicable object" last night, as I regularly do to see if there are any new links to my baby. Most of the results came back from links2go.com, which is this weird flow-chart of a page that has the Ob there, along with 100s of other sites without the slightest connection to it. I have no idea why this thing exists, or what use one's supposed to have for it. I found this, which is like a cross between the SHAWT & the InExOb if you steeped them in bile & gave them a mile-wide mean streak. 1 web award I don't want is Cruel Site of the Day. It's funny & well-written, but I dunno...I hope that I don't come across as that mean-spirited & cynical. When people call me a cynic, I always correct them: I'm sarcastic. Cynics think that there's no hope for humanity, sarcasts think that people can have their self-awareness raised & better natures revealed if you make fun of them enough.

12/16

This is going to take a while to type, as someone wants to play Battle the Old Sneaker Lace. It's my mom! Hahahaha! Just kidding, Mom! It's really kitty. Hahahaha! Just kidding, Kitty!

Yesterday a regular came in, a burly bearded guy who never smiles or talks, just buys his daily 6 of Busch Light. Me, I'd buy the 30 pack & come in every 5 days & save $6 by doing so, but I also wouldn't stomp all over some store's floor & carpets with workboots gooey with wet ink on the soles. It was like the Rubber Stamp of Bigfoot. It'll come out of the floor tiles when they're buffed (in 6 MONTHS), but the area carpets were ruined. Later another daily (or more) customer bought 2 pints of the same thing & requested 2 bags. Another costumer came in right after he left, & told he us that he sold pint #2 to a kid. I went outside, but it was too late to see it.
Today Mr Speechless came in. "Do you work in a print shop?" I asked. "No," he said, which was a moment like Big Chief saying "Juicy Fruit" in 1 Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. "I ask because someone tracked ink all over our store, I think it was you." He shook his head. Later, Corrupter of Minors came in to get *1* pint. Rudy confronted him, & he said "That must've been my sister!" No, you're easily differntiated from your sister due to your lack of breasts.
I'm working in an alcoholic Family Circle cartoon. "Who wrecked the carpet & sold to minors?" "NOT ME!"
Tues a drunk--& I mean currently--came in. Mike asked him if he wanted to use his charge card as "Debit or credit?" "Hah? Wha'? Wha' you mean?" "Debit or credit?" "Double or credit? Why you askin' me all theesh stoopit queshtions?" He continued to babble about stoopit queshtions as he stumbled out the door after we refused to sell to him. He should've come in today on Family Psychosis Day. If you drew a dotted line tracing his drunken stumbling, it would've looked like Billy walking the long way home. And of course, the next morning he would've resembled the family's dog, "Barfy."

12/17

The NOT ME! who didn't sell to a minor was in tonight, & I followed him out of the store, &--
Is it really necessary for me to finish this story?

The radio said that an elementary school was closing early due to "an odor problem."
We should've been so lucky. The 5-day roofing project enters week 4 on Mon. Along with the stench of molten tar, we had them directly above us whacking the ceiling with sledgehammers or something. It looked like they were taking OFF the roof they supposedly finished, which is Not A Good Sign. I looked up from the toilet to see the fire sprinkler waving under their mighty blows like a metronome set to "Techno". I decided to finish quick, before some fat roofer fell through & I became a story on News of the Weird under "Undignified Deaths."

Math for Dummies: SHAWT (indignant): How can 2 beers be $2? It's only 99 cents for 1!

12/21

The InExOb is a Yahoo! Pick of the YEAR, baby! IN YOUR FACE, WORLD WIDE WEB!! Of course, there are 23 others & that's just A-M. And it's grand to think that my greatest talent is an unmarketable skill.

Presented without comment, a 1-sided conversation from today: "I cut the top of my thumb clean off (indicates about 2 inches past the tip). Talk about blood! There was a long line at the emergency room last night, so I went home & waited till this morning. Remember when my wife came in last night & bought a pint of 100-proof schnapps? That was for me on the way to the emergency room. I got mad at the way she was driving, so I took the bandage off & did this (waves hand around). Blood everywhere, all over the windshield. The worst part is that I couldn't find the rest of the thumb! Maybe the dog ate it."

12/22

...And the same guy came in today. "I thought I'd do my wife a favor by cleaning out the fishtank," he said, "but I killed all the fish." Maybe they got sick after eating his thumb.

In this week's News of the Weird, under "New Celebrity Endorsements":
"A Taiwan distributing company began an advertising campaign for German-made space heaters, using a smiling Adolf Hitler character to "Declare War on the Cold Front"; a company representative said it was important to show the product as German-made and that he didn't think Taiwanese were very sensitive about Hitler (but the ads were pulled in November)." Huh.

Guy from the hair salon a few doors up: Did you see the fire truck & ambulance? 1 of our customers had a seizure!
ME: Didn't like his haircut?

I had a 50% off coupon for the Salvation Army that was about to expire, so I paid a visit. Didn't get what I was looking for (my 8 track player is dead! Oh woe!) but I did score mightily. Got a Tigger as a potential cat toy, but KK's disinterested. It's Tigger in name only. It really looks like an orange parapalegic hippo. The rest of my purchase was nostalgia. A tape of old toy TV ads (Mr Machine...I have the vaguest memory of that. I believe it had a catchy jingle; I know it was created as a protest against dehumanization, which is an odd theme for a toy), & this mint condition lamp (manufacture date: 091562)...it's cool. All wood & amazingly detailed; it's a baby in a cradle with teddy & cloth-filled comforter that rocks when you wind the music box; the winder is the reason I bought it--it's a white cat! Blissfully asleep on a lil kitty bed, which has a rug underneath, near a table with a lamp with a doily under it...They even painted boards on the "floor." Cost: $4.49. The woman ringing me up said, "This must've come in last night, cuz I would've bought it if I'd seen it."
And a Battlestar Galactica game. Remember that piece of space crap? I used to watch it to laugh at it, along with Buck Rogers. They were easy to mock, despite being utterly different Star Wars rips. Buck was goofy beyond belief (oh, yeah, it's the 25th Century & the main form of artisitic expression is Roller Disco). BG took itself as seriously as high opera, despite the helmets the heroes wore that were sphinx-head shaped. Cuz, ya know, the Pyramids weren't built by ancient Egyptians, but by alien Lorne Greenes. My fave part of the show was the way they constantly used the same 4 or 5 special effects they had every show. I always looked forward to the Look Inside the Evil Robot Cylon Cockpit (uhh...why would you staff your ships with a robot pilot & 2 robot copilots instead of making the SHIP a robot??). The robot at the top would say something like "By your command Imperious Leader, we shall now destroy the Humans!" & the 2 robots lower down would look at each other & NOD. "That's 1 smart Cylon, dude!" "No wonder he gets to sit up top!" Then they'd get destroyed. Shoulda kept their eyes on the road.
Hey, who would win in a fair fight? Boxie or Tweakie?

12/23

KK has a new water bowl. Toni bought a gift set of Courvosier that came with this giant metal ashtray that they call a "bottle coaster." For the truly sloppy drunk on your Xmas list. I'm surprised it doesn't come with a bib.

12/28

Xmas Eve was not as bad as usual. With Xmas on a Sat, many people had it as a day off rather than a half-day, so the chaos was spread out in an orderly line. The + side of liquor retail over other retail is that it isn't a building crescendo of craziness between Tgiving & Xmas; all the business is the week before & almost entirely the eve of. The - side is that when Xmas is over, the worst is yet to come. New Years we make only slightly less in sales, but get a 150% increase in the number of people. Every holiday is an excuse to drink, but NYears has no other justification for its existence. It would be fine with me if the world ended on Y1.999K & spared me the Eve. Screw Y2K, I never leave the house on any NYears, it's dangerous enough already. Hey, have you noticed 1 thing no one seems to be mentioning about Y2K? It's not gonna happen at midnight, but at noon, when 1/1/00 hits New Zealand. If the hi-tech nations of NZ, Australia & Japan fare well, so will the rest of the Industrialized West. Of course, the only real worry is anything west of Japan...The Chinese government's Y2K plan is literally to use abacuses. And Russia...in the West, an obsolete computer is in your basement with a box of 5&1/4 "Zork" games. Over there, it's running a nuke power plant using 5&1/4 "Zork" games.
Some lucky guy got to spend Xmas Eve in jail because of me. Earlier, a woman who works at the grocery store next door came in to buy a gift for her boss: 100 proof Rumpleminze. "He'll have a glass or 2 with us," she said. Uh, I hope not--that stuff you take a shot from, then put the bottle down. They closed a coupla hours earlier than us, & near our closing time a customer came in reporting a van in their employee parking area. The driver was flashing his lights while flooring it in park so long that it threw a piston & enginey fluids gushed out. The perfect drunk driver: 1 with a vehicle that won't move. But he could still stumble out in traffic & ruin someone else's Xmas by becoming a bug on their windshield. I'm sure I actually did the guy a favor. He may have awakened Xmas morn wishing he was dead, but at least he wasn't.
Xmas weekend was uneventful & utterly enjoyed. Just dinner with the family. My Xmas bonus: $500. My mom's Xmas bonus from the library: a box of macaroni & cheese. No ironic subtext, just a boss who's that clueless. At least it was Annie's & not the 4/$1 store brand.
Xmas was followed by something that has never happened in all my 15 years of retail: BOXING DAY OFF! I spent Sun blissfully lounging with computer & kitten, & ended it with the unexpected pleasure of a preview of The Brak Show (if you don't know who Brak is, you be LOSER! Go to the Sisto part of the site & get acquainted).
Mon Jess & I exchanged gifts. She gave me the VHS of Iron Giant, a gift so perfect that I'd already bought it. I gave her a Talking Singing Humming Kermit doll (she has this Kermit thing goin' on). However, we were originally supposed to give our gifts Thurs, so Kermie sat in my car trunk for 5 days--5 days when the temp never broke freezing. He mainly worked, but when he hummed, it really sounded a lot more like gargling. If you eat flies, I would hope you would use mouthwash.
When I logged on, I had the surprise of seeing my name in print. Here's my festive Yuletide tale. Uh, if you've ever read through all of the News, you've read it already. I changed 2 sentences. But they only announced the contest very late Weds for a story themed "A cryogenicist's 1st Xmas at the head-freezing lab"--I mean, how many reanimated head stories can any 1 writer be expected to put out? I tried to expand it, even going to Pigdog's own literal well of inspiration (ie, the influence of expensive alcohol, in this case Cuervo 1800 & Chartreuse), but...

(Hitler story as posted)
"There the surveillance tape ends," said the shadowed man. "We can only expect the worst."
The shadowed man looked at each member of the Team in turn. Highly-trained and vengeance-crazed Israeli commandos, led by the experienced withered heads of cryogenically reconstituted Big Deuce vets placed on cyborg monkey bodies. And the Big Man himself.
"Ho ho fuckin' ho! That one-nutted bastard blew me from the sky in '44 while I was delivering toys to Nuremburg! Goddamn 88 took out 5 of the reindeer! Ho ho ho! Let's see him try that again! Ho ho h-"
"Shut the fuck up with the bowl full of jelly already," snarled the head of Moshe Dayan as his laser-sighted eyepatch put a red dot on Saint Nick's forehead. He held up one day's worth of oil in his robotic hand. "That fuhrer fucker's gonna get deep-fried like a latke for 8 days!"
"WAH-HOOO!" yelled the heads of Sgt Fury and his Howler Monkey Commandos.
"LET'S ROLL, RUDOLPH!" said Santa. Eight tiny genetically enhanced death-deer pulled a jolly red C130 off the runway as he cried, "Now, Smasher! Now, Disembowler!, Now Lancer and Violence! On, Cutthroat! On, Vito!, On, Donner Party and Son of Sam! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Let's kill the fucks! Kill the fucks!! Kill the fucks all!"

I think we can all agree that that was the texbook def of Going Nowhere Slow.

Maybe next year Lutherian can submit. Here's part of his reaction to me getting beat out by a crappy drawing of a squirrel:

"Ah, look, Mein Fuhrer's brain ees growing hair again!" 

(Disturbed silence) 

"Nein, Pieter.  Zat ees mold."

12/29

Of course, on the OTHER hand, if there're any Y2K problems in New Zealand or Japan before the clocks turn here, we'll get 12 hours of rumor-fed mass hysteria the likes of which we've never seen..."We need ta loot us some necessary survival goods, Clem!" "Hawt diggity, Luke! You get the pork rinds, I'll rustle us up the BUKOFF!" Maybe I will bring a shotgun to work.

Oh boy, such joy! A couple with a garbage bag full of empties. That's the worst; all the rancid beer stays unevaporated inside & if it's left long enough to ferment, it gets as mildewed & moldy as Mein Fuhrer's brain. I can smell the stink of their bag from half the store away. That's some ripe beer, by cracky! As I'm sorting them out by vendor I find the culprit: 1 still half full of beer. I dump it out in the sink.
It's not beer. It's vomit.
"Hey, can you take this reeking puke-filled bottle in your enclosed car during Winter to the store for me?" "What, do you think I'm crazy?!" "I'll let you keep the nickel." "HOT DAMN! You gots yerself a DEAL, Clem!"

12/30

So, a crazy man goes after a Beatle. 1 Beatle dies, the other 1 lives. Why? Cuz George Harrison was lucky enough to be living in England, & got stabbed with a knife. John Lennon was in America & faced a large-caliber handgun. But I'm sure that Charlton Heston will still claim that gun control is worthless, while fondling a Big Gun & trying not to think about his withered old penis. How many people in that Tampa hotel would've died if the killer only had a knife?

1/4

Hey, I haven't put anything here all millenium!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!! I don't want to hear the M Word for another thousand years! At 1st, it just amused me that people could be so dumb as to think that this is a new century (uh, DUH, why would it be called "the 20th Century" if it had no years starting with 2?), now I just pray that everyone thinks it, so I don't have to be pummeled with this crap at the end of THIS year. I can't turn on the radio without some quipster saying "It's the 1st Tuesday of the millenium!" What, am I going to get to hear "It's the 1st September 28th of the millenium" in 9 months? Gourd, please tell me that I'll never hear that damned Kenny G Auld Lang Tripe song again. The radio enthused maybe 5 minutes over it on NYear's Eve. "Play it for your kids or grandkids in 10 or 20 years." They'll say in amazement, "There was a time when people thought Kenny G DIDN'T suck?! And you thought the most important events of the century included OJ Simpson & Princess Di? 'My name is Ellen & I'm gay'? Who the hell was SHE? She was as important as World War Two to you?! MAN, Grampa & Grandma, the 20th century was LAME!" (OK, they won't say "lame," but "zardblog," or some futuristic word that means lame). 2000 is JUST A NUMBER. This discourse on the reality of Year Zero was in the local paper's Speak Out section:

As far as I am
concerned, one second after
midnight in the year zero we
were in the first century,
regardless of what the numbers
say. Same as one minute after
midnight, you are in a new day.
The new day does not start at 1
o�clock, does it now?

I had a Y2K bug. In my body. Woke up feeling fine, then 2 hours later though, Man, I feel all light-headed all of a sudden. 15 minutes later I was puking. Kill Kill was staring at my sweating, teary-eyed face with what I hope was daughterly concern but was most likely "Hey, here's something I haven't seen before!" It went more-or-less away in 24 hours, but 1 of the owners had it too, so I guess I'm not the only non-compliant person around.

The SHAWTs continue to be the idiot roofing company. Yes, they still haven't finished after 6 weeks. Today the loudest car alarm I've ever heard went off--no, wait, it's our burgalur alarm! Freakin' idjit roofers left a big HOLE in the roof & when it rained buckets outside, it rained them inside, right over the fusebox & the alarm controls. We had 2 visits from the cops, since I couldn't get the damned thing to shut up. Every so often it'd quit on its own account, then start rrrright back up again. Then the power to the keypad went out, so when the alarm wasn't blasting, it was whining the No Power shriek. KRISTEN: I fell like I just came from a concert & my ears are ringing! ME: The band must've been--The Alarm!

1/5

A regular comes in (how regular? 5 times in 7 hours today) looking for a nip (nip? the shot-sized airline bottle). HIM: You don't have any Leroux 100 proof?
ME: No, we're all out.
HIM: Do you have any in back?
ME: No, nothing in back (while thinking: SHHHYEAH, we have this special warehouse in the back just for the thumb-sized nips. It's 2 feet tall & staffed by pixies with magic Matchbox forklifts)
HIM: Yer killin' me! Why don't you have any?! Yer killin' me!
ME: (thinking: no, actually, it's the 100-proof nips you drink like Hawaiian Punch all day that are killing you) We haven't restocked since the holiday is all.
(time passes)
HIM: Do you have any Leroux 100s?
ME: (slowly & deliberately) Noooo.
HIM: Are their any in back?
ME: (much slower & more deliberately) Nooo, there isn't anything in back (thinking: except for a bunch of magic pixies laffin' their teeny asses off at you).
HIM: You said that you were gonna restock!!
ME: That was 20 MINUTES AGO!

1/6

Paper or plastic? Kill Kill doesn't care; it's a toy either way. So after unpacking the groceries, I just toss the bags on the floor for her to romp upon. The other plus side is that if I need a bag, there's always 1 handy...Last night, I had to put the rest of the chicken away, & grabbed a bag at my feet.

1/7

A line 4 deep forms at the register, so I go up to help ring. "I can help the next person in line," I say, looking at Person #2. Person #4 immediately muscles her way to my register. She's wearing 1 of those braided over the shoulder keychain straps that have the same phrase printed on them over & over. Hers is "WWJD?" I guess Jesus would elbow some old lady out of the way so He could buy the cheap vodka he needed to get Him in the I'm-gonna-heal-me-up-some-lepers mood.

1/8

I pulled into the parking lot at 7:55AM & there were 3 cars there waiting for me to open the store, including 1 in the fire lane with the engine running. The 2nd guy I rang up said "I got you working before you could even get your coat off!" without any apparnet realization of just how he pathetic was.
Actually, there were 4 cars in the lot, but 1's been there for 3 weeks. It's a 20 year old Civic that's been abandoned there. Ugly 70s beige, with rust spots & dents & rivets circling the enite body where the chrome trim had been ripped off. Fave points: 2 stickers on it. 1 says "If you value your life as much as I value my car, you won't touch it." I value my life enough not to abandon it in a parking lot, thenk yew. The other (truly showing the car's age) is a NO red circle/slash over "55." This car couldn't drive 55 if you pushed it into the Grand Canyon.

1/11

Kill Kill's at the vet overnight getting fixed ("I didn't know she was broke!" ba-dum-bum!), so I finally can write the SHAWT in peace, without some little white cat attacking my slippers, crying for cat treats or for me to play with her, jumping on the counter knocking things over, using the door frame or my knees as a scratching post, or otherwise being a general nuisance.

Man. This sucks.

After dropping her off at the (to me) ungodly hour of 8AM, I went erranding & when I got home, I abruptly realized that there wasn't going to be any tiny body squeezing through the door like cat-flavored toothpaste as I opened it. They said that I could call after 1 to check on her, & I made it as far as 1:05. After a decade of living alone, that lil critter's become this essential after 6 months? Guess so. She'll be back tmw. Yay!!

Uneventful weekend, but this being a Tues, Guess Friggin What, you get it in detail. Sun, did nothing. Hung out with cat & dowloaded MP3s from Napster, the latest Coolest Thing Ever. Mon went shopping for...uhh, nothing. I exchanged Jess' Xmas gift of a duplicate Iron Giant video for a b-day present for Kitsplut (Sorry, Kits, you'll have to wait for Biskie to bring it up in 10 days). Figured that since I was near the Mall I should get rid of that merchandise credit for Filenes from Xmas 98 by buying a belt & a badly needed wallet. Both were on sale; change from my $54 credit: 30 CENTS. Which should explain why it took me so long to cash them in...
Yes, it's time once again for Bill Reviews Movies You'll Never See. Literally, as I'm sure they won't make it to video: RAW had this series of short films made for 1/1/2000 via some French film festival. So you'll never see the very entertaining Book of Life (Jesus returns for Judgement Day in modern New York--Mary Magdalene played by PJ Harvey). On the plus side, you'll never have to see the aptly-named The Hole. There's a hole in this guy's floor to the apartment below. That's IT for 90 hideous minutes. KMDS & I have seen a lot of bad movies, but, my gourd, this is at the top of my list of Suck City.

Tonight I was 1 touch-tone away on the police phone menu from calling them down to take out the trash, a guy who refused to leave the store after being repeatedly--ENDLESSLY--told that we weren't going to sell to someone whose "ID" consisted of a work ID & a temp license from the Borough of Queens 80 miles away. He spoke little English beyond "fuck." He was brave enough to stand up to Kristen (an 18-yr-old girl), who was scared she'd lose her job after telling this skank to "Get out of my freaking face!" (Owner's quote on hearing the story: "I don't give a FUCK about a person like that! I don't care if I spit in his face & say 'Get the FUCK out of my store'!"--Ahh, the pleasures of working for Human Beings & not Faceless Corporations, where they believe the customer is always right, even if he's only as evolved as a dung beetle that can dress itself)

*CRASH* SHAWT practically runs to the register, frightened that I'm going to make her pay for the 4.99 bottle of wine she just broke. "Did I do that?" No, Urkel, the bottle committed suicide at the thought of being touched by your lips. Just as I would.

Potential employee: Girl who stood at the front of the store & shrieked "HOW OLD DO Y'ALL HAFTA BE TO WORK HERE?!" Obviously good communication skilz, but we'll pass. She was still better than the girl who applied to me at the toy store while wearing a button that said "Fuck Off & Die." Yer a people person, we like that!

Wow, all that typing done in record time!
(pause)
WAAAHHHH!!! I want my Kill Kill!!!!

(new15 begins tmw)